[Yep, double (almost triple) update.
Enjoy!]
"Hey." I walk into the big cabin and look around. From all four, two walls are just big pieces of glass attached to the cement on the other two walls.
Dr. Samina looks approximately fourty years old, and I feel comfortable with the wrinkles around her brown eyes creasing with the wide smile. I sit down as she gestures me to take a seat and smile back. Her jeans and kurta make her look thirty, and the bun in which her thin but shiny hair is tied reminds me of Azaan's mother.
I look at her desk and see a picture of what looks like a ten year old boy. I smile at it. Pakistani mums are just so comfortable to be around.
Her skin is loose and warm, and I don't think I'll be afraid of telling her anything. She looks exactly what she is supposed to look like. A psychologist.
She tells me a bit about herself and starts asking me if there is any main problem or I came for counselling, she calls me funny because not everyone writes 'I want a Pakistani counselor' in a form and I smile, telling her that it'll be easier for me to open up since Pakistani women know more about the culture and I won't have to explain much or hide anything.
"Can we like, go to that bed thing?" I point towards the couch. "Because this doesn't look dramatic and I want it to be dramatic so I get in that emotional mood that makes me want to confess, you know."
She laughs and walks me to it after the basic questions.
The next week, I walk in the same office again and this time, instead of telling her the whole story, I vent out that Azaan smelt like Kylie when he came home.
Three days later, I confess to her that I've never tried to speak to him after that sneezing day. He did, but only twice and after seeing no good response from my side, he gave up as well and looks quite satisfied with his life.
But two weeks later he talks to me and when I tell him that I need just a bit of more time, he calls my brother to help us solve this because he's tired of trying.
It doesn't get solved. I just cry and cry and they tell me to calm down but it all ends up with, "I promise, one more month and I'll be fine."
Azaan goes out of town for a business conference and I have to live in his mansion for a week.
On the first day, I pretend being sick and don't eat anything. The rest of the days, I can't be impolite and have to eat with his family. I purge it all out by vomiting.
One day, I'm scrolling for relationship tips on Pinterest, and in the evening I try to make use of one tip. I sit down with Palwasha and bhabhi and try to learn more about Azaan.
And when I learn that Azaan rejected many proposals before me, and that I'm the first girl he has ever liked, I see it all clear.
He thought I'm stupid and it would be easier for him to lie to me and to hide his relationship.
Azaan comes back that night and we spend the night in his mansion. For the first time in so long, we stay in the same room, but I choose the couch and he just groans at me.
And I thank God that he doesn't love me, otherwise he'd try harder and ask me what the problem is and I wouldn't know how to explain. But he is clearly much happier without me. I see him smile more often now.
Weeks just go by and there comes my birthday week.
I wait for Azaan to go to the washroom so I can modify the date.
He might have taken a general look of his calendar and he might remember that it's this month. I slide in his room and to not get him suspicious, I change the date to a week later.
Azaan comes out of the washroom wearing his white embroidered salwar kameez and gets confused when he sees me sitting on the bed.
I get up to go to my room when he holds my hand and checks my forehead. "Why are you wearing a sweater?" He asks but I just leave the room.
After two days, Neeti, Samia and Ramsha, all call me, saying that they'll miss celebrating my birthday in Neeti's house like we did every year. They ask me what Azaan and I have planned and I just laugh.
After making up a beautiful fake plan, and having them convinced and excited, I cut the call. Then I call back and tell them I was lying, confess the reality of our relationship to them and tell them all to promise me that they won't tell Azaan anything about my birthday, and they, in return, take a promise that I will celebrate my birthday with them like every year.
As much as I hate it, I have to show a thumbs up to their plan.
It's been almost four months since bhabhi's miscarriage and I haven't been out of the house since then, except for going to the gym somedays or to Dr. Samina.
I changed my gym after Ramsha called Azaan, and I haven't met any of my friends since that day.
~~~
I meet Abeer. I don't find genuineness in him and that's surprising, because I usually melt over everything but even his thousands of apologies don't convince me.
But just to make it a fair game and not feel as low as I am feeling, I call Abeer and we meet in a restaurant.
There, he apologises even more and I don't talk about the past. I tell him that I have forgiven him and after spending a nice time, when he offers being just friends, I accept his offer.
~~~
On my birthday, at 12AM, when my phone is chirping with birthday wishes, I look out of the window and just think about how horrible life is getting no matter what I do.
Nothing is getting sorted.
Six months into this strict diet and extreme workout sessions yet nothing is paying off. My size is just increasing and I'm just looking more and more horrible everyday.
My hair is falling a lot, I've got two pimples on my face right now and I'm getting more medical complications, like irregular periods and even worse, constipation.
It's all just getting so worse and I can't tell anyone about the embarrassing parts except for Dr. Samina, and that too because she asked the exact symptoms by herself.
The last time I went to Dr. Samina was two weeks ago. Yesterday I called her to lie to her that I feel better on my own now. I told her that Azaan and I have sorted it all out and thanked her for everything.
Although she didn't quite buy it, I did the payments and ended the contract.
I think I realised that it was just useless. She listened to my problems and I am really grateful for that, but I'm tired. All I want to do is to lie on bed all day long.
I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.
I really like Dr. Samina, and I know it's her job to keep me away from the negative mindset I've developed, but I hate her lying to me.
And I told her in the beginning itself that I didn't want her advices, I just wanted her to listen to me because I felt lonely, but she keeps telling me that I need to talk to my doctor and giving me relationship tips.
I feel a bit disinterested in that topic. I don't want to hear her, I want to talk and make her hear me because I feel like I'm holding so much inside of me.
And even though I thought I had a lot of things to say and no one to listen to me, when I met Dr. Samina, I realised I had nothing to put in words. I'm holding so much inside but nothing of it can be put into words. In every session I said the same things:
I hate how fat I'm getting.
I wish Kylie dies.
When will Azaan start loving me?
When she mentioned that she wanted me to bring Azaan with me if I could, my heart stopped. I wondered if she would call Azaan and disclose everything I've said to her, but she read my face and told me that she'd keep it all confidential until I allowed her.
I think she might have judged yesterday that I was not being able to trust her after that talk.
Bhai came home two weeks ago. Azaan and he watched soccer and our silence explained very well that we hadn't sorted out much.
This whole time, we have had no fights and I think Azaan forgot that I'm still behaving different. We still share kisses once in a while, and sometimes, he playfully smacks my bottom while I make dinner.
But he's too busy in his work to ask me if anything's wrong and I'm too busy overthinking to tell him that everything's wrong.
Before leaving, bhai told me to stop getting upset at petty things and told him to stop upsetting his cute little sister.
I playfully raised a brow and tilted my head at Azaan after he closed the door, telling him to listen to bhai, and we almost made out but before he put his hands on my waist to kiss me better, I stepped away telling him that I had to go sleep early.
~~~
I hear a knock on the door and lazily get out of bed. I shout 'coming' in a groggy voice that comes from not speaking the whole day and just laying on the bed.
Shit, man. I haven't showered in three days and the last thing I want is Azaan to dislike me even more because of my body odor.
I get out after taking a shower and see my three best friends out, talking to Azaan.
My eyebrows draw together as I smile to them and ask what reminded them of me. They all sigh and look at each other, rolling their eyes, then remind me that we were supposed to have a night out.
I groan when Samia raises her brow reminding me of the secret of my birthday party and I look at the clock hanging on the wall. It's 8PM.
"You okay with us taking your beautiful wife out for the night?" I hear Samia asking Azaan while I make the effort to push myself to my room to get ready.
Beautiful, yeah right.
I look at my closet and I don't know what to wear. I have no loose party outfits.
I just wear a pink sweater with white jeans and walk out. They all stare at me and then give each other some assuring looks. I'm sure they decide that they'll stop in the way to buy me something.
And that's what happens, we all leave and stop at a mall.
After they insist a lot, I tell them that I'll only go with them if they let me stay in this.
When they stop the car again, it's not in front of Neeti's house. It's in front of Catherine's.
There's not just the four of us. Every single friend of ours is there, including Abeer. I told them about him.
It's a party that involves wine and couples and all the stuff that I do not want to be a part of.
They take me in after we agree that I'll go home right after the clock strikes twelve. They laugh and make a Cinderella joke but we head inside and I start awkwardly socializing.
In a corner, I don't know why, but I burst out into tears, feeling extremely low.
I don't feel like I'm supposed to be in here. I feel like I belong somewhere else. Somewhere far away. Specially, away from Azaan.
He doesn't care. I've gone three months without conversing properly and he just doesn't care at all.
And I feel like I'm just burdening him by pushing myself over him. He doesn't need to care. He isn't supposed to care. Why would he care for you, Sawera?
Dr. Samina told me to talk to him and I sat in the study for a while. He even stopped working and asked me what was wrong but I just got nervous and left. This isn't his job.
Someone nudges my arm and I wipe my tears before looking. Cade. He has a drink in his hands. "Hey? Don't cry, Sawera. What's wrong?" He asks, concerned. "Come, here, wash your face first." He drags me to the washroom before I can even speak.
"Cade, I'll walk by myself."
Cade isn't a good guy, I discover. He tries to console me initially, but slowly takes advantage of my vulnerability and starts touching my waist and getting closer, I try to stop him and he covers my mouth when I shout for help. I try my best to stop him and hit him on the head with the toothbrush tin. That doesn't work well, it makes him furious and his hand lands on my cheek.
I scream my friends' names but the music is too loud for them to hear.
As he forces his hands down my pants, I push him away with all the force I can muster, but it seems impossible. I haven't had any single thing but water since the morning and I feel dizzy.
My head hits the basin in an attempt to push him away and I suddenly see everything going black.
I see Merritt coming in the washroom and I blink to gain some consciousness. "Help me!" I yell and look at how her eyes go round before she opens the door and screams the hell out of her lungs.
Cade lets go of me and runs to stop her but the music stops before he can.
And I rush out to stop the news from spreading. Neeti manages it well. She tells everyone to go home and doesn't announce the reason why the party is being stopped before having the cake cut.
After there's only us four friends, Cade and Neeti's Boyfriend, Austin; I tell them what happened. I request them not to call the police, because I'm afraid the matter will spread and Azaan will get to know.
Austin has already given him a hard blow and I don't care if he's forgiven.
They leave him after I request with tears, all scared of what will happen if Azaan gets to know about it. Cade is probably going to get murdered.
On my way home, I pray Merritt to not talk about it.
I go home in a devastated condition, denying Neeti's offer to lend me a lift. I also warn them all to not tell anything to Azaan.
Once at home, I rush inside my bedroom as I hear Azaan's footsteps. Once inside, I lock the door and when he knocks, I tell him that I'm tired, which is true, but I also tell him that I'm about to sleep. That's false. I'm not able to sleep the whole night.
I cry the whole night and decide to tell him, first thing in the morning. I wake up and cry in the shower as well and I know the only way I can get rid of this crying is telling him but when I get out, Azaan is gone.
I go jogging and come home exhausted. I wash myself, lay on the sofa and fall asleep in there, thinking about it all. I wake up later in the afternoon, feeling Azaan's fingers on my cheeks.
His hand reaches up to my forehead and in a worried tone, he asks why it's bruised.
I take a sharp breath, not ready to form the night in words. I tell him I fell in the bathroom because I was sleepy.
Sasha makes him dinner and I wait for the right time to tell him. I decide that the right time is when he's working, so he isn't paying much attention and it's easier to utter it out.
When he goes to the study room, I follow him confusing him. He asks me if everything's right and then talks about last night. I tell him that I came home early because I wasn't in the mood of staying the night, it was just my friends insisting.
He smiles an 'okay' and starts working. After a while, when he's busy, I start the conversation but he stops me telling me that he's working on something important. I nod and wait for a while, then start speaking again. He puts his files down, sighing and asks if I can just give him five minutes and wait outside until he's done.
I nod and turn on the TV. After exactly five minutes, when he comes outside, I tell him that I've forgotten what I wanted to say and I'm feeling sleepy. I go to bed and lay there thinking why I didn't tell him.
Maybe he wouldn't even care.
I realise I was afraid, but later at 3AM I realise that I'm not going to be able to sleep peacefully without telling it to him. So I knock on his door and he opens it.
I stutter, "Woh- m-mujhe neend nahin aa rahi-"
He cuts me and opens the door, "-Toh yahaan aa ke so jaao."
I get furious on how he doesn't even let me speak. I inhale, trying to keep my anger in. "Yes, I stutter and that's annoying but Azaan, let me fucking complete my sentence." I silently inhale again, deeper, "Stop trying to get rid of me." I say it as calmly as I can, but the expression of a slight shock on his face makes me cry.
He's taken aback at the way I burst. My tears take my voice away, so I can't speak more but I really hate and it furies me more that he's taken aback. After doing it all, when he's getting the human reaction from me, he's taken aback.
I go to my room and warn him to not knock and create a fuss. I lie on my bed and cry out loud.
After a lot of crying, I write him a letter. Even knowing that he doesn't care, I want to tell him, because it's his right and I'll never be able to sleep if I don't.
I cut the birthday part and rewrite telling him that my friends took me on a party I didn't know about.
When I get out, he's sitting in the living room and watches me go to his study. I grab an envelope and put the letter in it.
While handing him the letter, I tell him to please not get enraged because I'm already really tired and I don't have a single bit of energy to calm him down.
He takes it from me and I keep my head hung low and keep sobbing.
After a lot of silence, he speaks, trying to sound as relaxed as possible. "How dare he? Who is he?" He pauses, trying not to sound enraged. "What's his name? Does he not know who he misbehaved with?"
I just sigh and close my eyes. "It doesn't matter."
He stops himself from cursing and shouts that if he finds that man by himself he'll kill him, so I better tell him, he might spare him alive.
I chuckle. "Why would you kill that man, to satisfy your ego?" I finally look at him and I quickly see the whole fire diminishing from his eyes and becoming water.
"Sawera? That man hurt you. How can I-"
"-If it is so, then you deserve worse. Do you not realise that you hurt me every day? Every minute?"
I try to leave but when his hands hold my arms and ask me if there's anything to be talked, tears stain my cheeks and I know I've never cried so much but so silently.
"The talking time is gone, Azaan. It was gone long ago." I take my leave.
I lie on my bed and instantly regret everything I said. I know I should go and apologise and tell him that I didn't mean any of it, because I really didn't, I just don't know what happened, maybe that party incident has me stressed more than I can handle. But I don't go to him. I can't handle anything. I'll most probably worsen the situation.
But I don't want him to stay stressed, which being a good human being, is going to be his first reaction to the incident.
'I didn't mean any of it, Azaan, Wallahi. I don't know why I said that. You know how dramatic I can be, right? I'm sorry.' I write in a piece of paper, then fold it and go out.
He's sitting on the sofa, in the dark, and I can't hear anything but I know he's crying. So I hand him the piece of paper and kiss his cheek before leaving.
[Vote, comment & share.]