Today was the day, thought (y/n), waking up the following morning. They were safe now, and nobody was following them, so the day would be relatively calm and peaceful: an earthbending lesson in the morning and afternoon, a remembering session in the evening. Still, (y/n) was nervous. She'd had moderate success with air since joining Aang, but despite her recent improvements, her skills at waterbending were pretty much non-existent. And so, with earth being the opposite element for Air Nomads, she expected herself and Aang to struggle, a lot.
Aang was a lot more excited about it than she was. "Can you believe it? After all that time searching for a teacher, I'm finally learning earthbending!" he shouted excitedly, waking Sokka up. "And this place, it's perfect, don't you think? Sokka? Oh, you're still sleeping, huh? Sorry."
(y/n) liked seeing Aang so enthusiastic, and hoped he'd remain that way even if he ended up finding earthbending hard. Though, maybe he wouldn't? – thought (y/n), – he was the Avatar, after all.
(y/n) got out of her sleeping bag and was just about to go talk to him when the ground shook. Toph's tent exploded, slabs of rock flying in every direction, and when the dust cleared, she spoke.
"Good morning, earthbending students!"
"Good morning, Sifu Toph," said Aang and (y/n), and bowed.
"Hey, you two never called me Sifu Katara!"
Aang turned to look at Katara, scratching the back of his head. "Well, if you think I should..."
Suddenly, Sokka sat up, grumbling at the noise.
"Sorry, Snoozles," said Toph, "We'll do our earthbending as quietly as we can."
A second later, Sokka was flying through the air, an earth pillar having launched him up from underneath his sleeping bag. When he landed, he hopped away, grumbling incoherent complaints at Toph before leaving the area completely.
"So what move are you going to teach me first?" asked Aang excitedly. "Rock-a-lanche?" He demonstrated, clenching his fist and bringing his arm down like a hammer. "The Trembler? Or, maybe I could learn to make a whirlpool out of land!"
Toph put a hand on Aang's chest to calm him down. "Let's start with 'move a rock'."
"Sounds good, sounds good!"
And so, they moved to a more suitable area and began.
"The key to earthbending is your stance," explained Toph. "You've got to be steady and strong. Rock is a stubborn element. If you're going to move it, you've got to be like a rock yourself."
"Like a rock. Got it," said Aang, and (y/n) nodded. It seemed simple enough in theory, she thought, but of course it would be very different in practice.
"Good," said Toph. "Now the actual motion of this one is pretty simple." She demonstrated, slamming the rock against the canyon wall. "Okay, you ready to give it a try? Aang, you first."
"I'm ready," he said. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the rock. The rock didn't budge. Instead, Aang flew backwards into Appa.
"(y/n), you try," instructed Toph. (y/n) narrowed her eyes, concentrating on the rock. Aang hadn't managed so there was no way it would actually work, she thought, but everyone had to start somewhere. So, remembering what Toph had done, she repeated the move. The rock flew into the wall, smashing instantly.
________________
By the time morning came the next day, Zuko had calmed down. It had been stupid of him to lose control over his emotions like that, especially when Azula could have come back and attacked at any moment – and of course Uncle wouldn't die from a small blast like that. Still, as much as he could push away the guilt, he couldn't ignore how worried he was for his uncle, right until the minute he finally opened his eyes.
Zuko noticed it immediately.
"Uncle... You were unconscious," he said. "Azula did this to you. It was a surprise attack."
"Somehow, that's not so surprising," Iroh groaned.
Zuko handed Iroh some tea. "I hope I made it the way you like it," he said.
Iroh took a sip. "Good. That was very... uh... bracing."
Zuko pretended not to notice how Iroh secretly threw the tea out behind his shoulder. There were more important things to think about now, anyway.
"So, Uncle, I've been thinking," he began. "It's only a matter of time before I run into Azula again. I'm going to need to know more advanced firebending if I want to stand a chance against her. I know what you're going to say," he added – "she's my sister and I should be trying to get along with her..."
"No, she's crazy, and she needs to go down. It's time to resume your training."
Zuko was glad Iroh understood and was willing to help. Now that he was officially enemies with his sister, he needed to be able to defend himself. And defend Uncle, he thought, but Uncle didn't need to know that much.
________________
Back at the canyon, the earthbending lesson continued, everyone examining Aang's rock that still hadn't moved an inch.
"I don't understand what went wrong," said Katara. "He did it exactly the way you and (y/n) did."
"Maybe there's another way..." suggested Aang. "What if I came at the boulder from another angle?"
"No. That's the problem. You've got to stop thinking like an airbender. There's no different angle, no clever solution, no trickety-trick that's going to move that rock. You've got to face it head on. And when I say head on, I mean like this!" Toph jumped and destroyed the rock with her head.
"Whoa!" gasped Aang.
Toph went off to have a talk with Katara, and as they were gone, Aang stared down at the pieces of his shattered rock and tried once more to make them move. Meanwhile, (y/n) watched him in surprise. She still couldn't believe it. It had taken her weeks to make even the tiniest wave with waterbending, so how had she just...? Well, she'd think about that later, she decided, seeing Toph come back from her talk.
"All right, you two, see those rocks over there? Pick those up, one each – the bigger, the better!"
And so, the lesson started again: trying not to fall while carrying heavy rocks as pillars rose out of the ground, smashing rocks while blindfolded, juggling rocks while standing on wobbly stilts. It definitely wasn't by any definition easy, and by the time the next break came around, (y/n) was tired from all the physical strain, but as for the actual bending part... Well, these were only beginner exercises, she thought, but even so, she wasn't having any difficulty at all.
"(y/n), maybe you should go do your own thing while I catch Twinkle Toes here up to speed," Toph said as the lesson was about to begin once more. "I'll find you when he gets the hang of it."
(y/n) nodded, thanking Toph and going off to sit next to Katara. She would rest for a little longer, and then maybe... Maybe she'd do some waterbending practice. She didn't want to waste one of the rare days reserved for training, after all.
________________
"Lightning is a pure form of firebending, without aggression" explained Iroh. "It is not fueled by rage or emotion the way other firebending is. Some call lightning the cold-blooded fire. It is precise and deadly, like Azula. To perform the technique requires peace of mind."
"I see," said Zuko. "That's why we're drinking tea, to calm the mind."
"Oh yeah, good point! I mean, yes."
For once, Zuko concentrated hard on what his uncle was telling him. If he could really learn to bend lightning the way Azula could... Well then, he might finally stand a chance.
When they were outside, Iroh continued his explanation.
"There is energy all around us. The energy is both yin and yang. Positive energy and negative energy. Only a select few firebenders can separate these energies. This creates an imbalance. The energy wants to restore balance, and in the moment the positive and negative energy come crashing back together, you provide release and guidance, creating lightning."
He stepped forward and demonstrated, the world briefly turning white as lightning erupted from his hand, shooting away into the distance. Zuko looked on, focused – in a minute, he thought, he would do the same. He was ready.
"Remember, once you separate the energy, you do not command it. You are simply its humble guide. Breathe first."
Listening to his uncle, Zuko took a deep breath. Trying to copy Iroh's previous moves, he took aim at some rocks in front of him, and shot. The ground in front of him exploded. Zuko flew back, right to where Iroh was standing, and watched as a cloud of smoke rose from the place where lighting was meant to have been. He'd gotten it wrong, and Iroh shook his head in disappointment.
________________
Katara watched as Aang kept struggling through his earthbending exercises, and she was beginning to get a little worried. Toph insisted on taking him outside of his comfort zone – giving him a push, rather than the gentle nudge Aang usually responded to so well – and Katara hoped Aang wouldn't get hurt. She would have spoken to Toph about it, but the times she did try, Aang's exercises only got harder, so now, he was forced to stop a boulder rolling towards him from a hill, with his bare hands, blindfolded. Things really were not going well.
"Hey, Katara!" (y/n)'s voice interrupted her thoughts, and she looked away from Aang.
"Hmm?"
"Since I'm free for this afternoon, I think, do you want to go practice waterbending?"
"Umm..." Katara hesitated, glancing at Aang to make sure he wasn't hurt. Relieved to find that he was completely safe – getting told off by Toph but not crushed by a rock, at least – she agreed to practice with (y/n). So, a few minutes later, they stood knee-deep in a pond, and (y/n) was once again doing the warm-up exercises before they could begin for real. Since (y/n) knew the warm-up off by heart and Katara didn't need to instruct her, she took a minute to think.
Aang was struggling with earthbending, and Toph was getting annoyed at him for now, but she'd come around eventually, and Aang would learn. He was quick to pick things up, after all – and he was a very talented waterbending student. (y/n), on the other hand... Whereas before, Katara had thought that (y/n) was just not a fast learner, which was why she struggled with water and would eventually struggle with earth, that was... clearly not the case. Earth came easy. Water didn't. Why? – And Katara wanted to slap herself for not realising sooner. Now that she thought about it, it seemed so obvious that it would have ended up this way. In fact, she thought, it would be much stranger if it hadn't.
"Katara? Should I try the same move as last time again? Maybe I've had another sudden boost since then?" asked (y/n) hopefully.
"Oh, um, sure. Go ahead."
But (y/n) didn't make much more progress than last time, and Katara suppressed a sigh. Before, she'd hoped that there was just some fundamental aspect of waterbending that (y/n) wasn't getting, but eventually, she'd understand it and everything would go much smoother. But now... Well, unless (y/n) had a sudden 180-degree shift in personality, progress would remain stuck at a snail's pace for a while yet.
"Katara, am I doing this right?"
"What?" Katara looked up, once again realizing how distracted she was. "Oh, um, yeah. Continue."
But even so, Katara found it hard to focus. When she watched (y/n) go through the motions, her gaze drifted to the look on (y/n)'s face. It had been calm, happy even, when they'd just started the session, but now, (y/n) clearly had something on her mind – a question that worried her more and more every time the water came splashing back down from the small height she'd managed to raise it.
Another few minutes later, (y/n) looked back up at Katara, and though she tried to hide it, Katara could see that she was more worried than ever.
"Is there something distracting you?" (y/n) asked. "I'm sorry, I know it must be annoying to keep doing the same thing with me over and over..."
"No, it's not that at all!" Katara exclaimed, but both of them knew she was lying.
"I won't be offended or anything. It frustrates me too... I should be able to do this, and I don't know why I can't..."
But (y/n) did know the exact reason why she couldn't, and Katara could tell. It was just that she couldn't accept it.
"Don't worry about it. If I seem distracted today, it's just because I'm too worried about Aang to concentrate on training."
"Yeah... I hope he's doing alright," said (y/n) nervously.
The lesson ended there. (y/n) went off to gather food for the evening, and soon after, Aang came to Katara to practice waterbending.
________________
Several more attempts to generate lightning failed, and Zuko was beginning to get frustrated. After all this practice, he should have been able to do it, and Azula made it look so easy, so why?
"Why can't I do it?" he burst out in frustration. "Instead of lightning it keeps exploding in my face... like everything always does."
Iroh's reply came solemn and quiet, and brought Zuko no closer to an answer. "I was afraid this might happen. You will not be able to master lightning until you have dealt with the turmoil inside you."
"What turmoil?"
"Zuko, you must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away."
Zuko had no idea what his uncle was talking about.
"But I don't feel any shame at all. I'm as proud as ever."
And he wasn't ashamed, he thought, not anymore, not now that he knew who he was. He was the Prince of the Fire Nation! – he should be proud! – he thought, and he didn't know why those words didn't make him feel any better, or where the sour taste in his mouth suddenly came from.
"Prince Zuko," began Iroh, "Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."
"Well, my life has been nothing but humbling lately."
"I have another idea," said Iroh. "I will teach you a firebending move that even Azula doesn't know, because I made it up myself."
Zuko smiled. Yeah, he thought, that was better. Even if Uncle didn't always understand, he still knew what to say – and he was thankful that they wouldn't have to talk about pride and shame anymore, at least.
He listened intently as Iroh explained the move. The technique he was about to learn was taken from waterbending, which he supposed was interesting, because the only thing he knew about other styles of bending came from his fights with the Avatar. At school, and then at the private bending lessons his father had insisted on him having when it turned out he wasn't as skilled as his sister, he'd only ever learned about sudden, direct movements – lots of punches and kicks, and lots of anger to fuel it. The other nations have inferior forms of bending that aren't worth discussing, he remembered his teacher saying once – simple, primitive, and weak. Well, after fighting the Avatar, he learned that they were anything but weak, and, judging by how much he was struggling with lightning, they weren't simple or primitive, either.
"It is the combination of the four elements in one person that makes the Avatar so powerful," his uncle said, and Zuko wondered how, if one element was hard enough, someone could possibly master four. Azula probably could have, if it was her instead of that boy – but he pushed that thought down – she wasn't invincible, and he was going to defeat her.
"If you let the energy in your own body flow, the lightning will follow it," Iroh said, before explaining the pathways that energy took in the body. Zuko listened intently, then copied his uncle's movements, focusing on the way his chi flowed.
"Can you feel your own chi flowing in, down, up, and out?" Iroh asked.
"I think so," Zuko replied. He wasn't sure if he was really feeling it, or just convincing himself.
"Come on," said Iroh, noticing Zuko's slight uncertainly – "You've got to feel the flow."
And so, Zuko kept going, until –
"Excellent! You've got it!" exclaimed Iroh.
Zuko smiled. He'd done it. He'd actually done it – finally, something he could use to take Azula down. Something that made him feel like, compared to her, he still meant something.
"Great," he said – and for the first time in years, he felt feelings of accomplishment related to his bending. "I'm ready to try it with real lightning!"
Iroh looked at him, shocked. "What, are you crazy? Lightning is very dangerous?"
What?
"I thought that was the point! You teaching me to protect myself from it!" – Because, he thought, what use was his knowledge of the technique if he never even got the chance to use it?
"Yeah! But I'm not going to shoot lightning at you! If you're lucky, you will never have to use this technique at all!"
What the – why all the training, then and why –
...
Oh. – he thought, – that was it. Of course, that was it – Uncle didn't believe he could do it. He'd never been as good as Azula, so of course Uncle assumed that if she couldn't redirect lightning, then neither could he. It had been that, all along. Nobody, not even Uncle, believed in him. Well, he thought – he would prove them wrong, all of them.
"Well, if you won't help me," he said, mounting his ostrich horse, "I'll find my own lightning."
With that, he rode away.
________________
Evening was approaching fast, and while (y/n) had collected all the fruits and berries she could find from the area around them – which wasn't much, given the rocky landscape – Aang, Katara and Sokka still hadn't returned. So, (y/n) had gone to find them, and, to her surprise, Katara was still at the pond, practicing with Aang. As she came closer, she heard a bit of their conversation.
"I know, I know, I know, I know! I get it, alright? I need to face it head on like a rock, but I just can't do it. I don't know why I can't, but I can't."
"Aang, if fire and water are opposites," said Katara, "then what's the opposite of air?"
"I guess it's earth..."
"That's why it's so difficult for you to get this. You're working with your natural opposite. But you'll figure it out. I know you will."
"Thanks, Katara. That explains –" Suddenly, he stopped. "Wait. Wait, no, that doesn't explain anything. Katara, what about (y/n)?"
Still in the bushes, (y/n) stopped. They'd mentioned her. Wrong as she knew it was to intrude like this, she couldn't help herself, so, as quietly as she could, she settled down and listened in.
"(y/n) can do it, right?" Aang continued – "She had no problem with anything we did today, but she's an Air Nomad like me! Surely if it was about natural opposites, she should have struggled as much as I did?"
Katara's next words came out hesitant and awkward, a voice reserved for uncomfortable secrets and unspoken truths.
"(y/n) is..." she paused. "(y/n) is different."
"What do you mean? I guess she doesn't always act like an Air Nomad, but she still is, right? And that's what matters."
"Aang... I'm... I'm not so sure about that. I mean, she is an Air Nomad, but bending is more than just where you're born. It's about your approach to things, how you solve problems, your... personality. And (y/n)... well, her approach to bending, and to most other things is..."
"I get it," Aang sighed dejectedly. "You're saying she has the approach of a firebender."
"Yeah. That's what I mean. I didn't really think much about it before, but it's why water is so difficult for her. And why she could earthbend today, no problem... Not that it makes her a bad person or anything! Just..." she sighed. "Yeah."
"Yeah," repeated Aang. "That's what I was gonna say last night as well. It's not that I have a problem with it, it's just..."
"Don't worry about it. I understand."
Drying their clothes, Aang and Katara left the pond, and walked back in the direction of their camp.
(y/n) remained in the bushes, a cold, uncomfortable dread paralyzing her entire body. What they'd said – no, it couldn't be true – but then, the question that had been troubling her all afternoon – why had earthbending gone so well for her? – suddenly, the answer was there and it all made sense. No, they just got the wrong idea – but then again, it's not like any of this was news to her, not really. Shut windows had never meant the soldiers were gone, closed eyes hadn't made the crimes disappear, and repressed thoughts didn't erase the past, and it was time she realized that. It had only been two and a half years – thirty months – not much, in the grand scheme of things – and yet, those thirty months were all she knew. She hated that country – every awful bit of it – and yet, it had been so, so stupid of her to think it wouldn't leave its mark. Of course it had. Of course, these disgusting ideas had wormed their way inside her head somehow, despite all her effort to keep them out, and now she was paying the price. She should have been more careful. Should have kept them out, no matter how difficult it might have been. But she hadn't, and now... And now...
And now, – no! – said a little voice inside her head – no, it doesn't have to be this way, you still have a chance!
A chance? What – what chance? – What –
But...
Yes. That was it, of course she had one, how could she have forgotten? Her memories. If only she could just remember those lost twelve years of her life! – then, everything would be so much easier, and those thirty months would be nothing in comparison. Yeah, that's right, she thought, comforting herself, all she had to do was remember. A tinge of panic rose up within her at the thought – nothing she'd tried before with Aang had succeeded – so what would she do now? – contact Roku – the voice spoke again. He'll know what to do – and (y/n) felt a little calmer. That was it – there was still hope left – she just had to meditate, or get knocked out – whatever happened first, and then, everything would sort itself out and she would be an Air Nomad again. So, she finally moved from her spot in the bushes, and started walking deeper into the forest. She had a little time before the sun set, anyway. She could meditate a little, and who knew... maybe it would work?
________________
Night had fallen, and Zuko found his way to the top of a mountain. A storm was raging in the sky – sheets of rain poured down onto him, cold winds stinging his wet face, and he didn't care about any of it. Fine then. Let the rain pour, let the sky tremble, let it strike him and let it hurt. It was fine now. He could take it.
"You've always thrown everything you could at me!" he yelled at the storm. "Well, I can take it, and now I can give it back!"
No response, except the never-ending splashes of rain.
"Come on, strike me! You've never held back before!"
Still, nothing, and he hated this. Why couldn't life just hit him, with all it had, like it always had done in the past? He just wanted to do this, to prove he could succeed for once, so he could prove he was more than the banished prince, more than a failure, that there was at least something in the world he was capable of! He'd take anything, no matter how dangerous, no matter how much it hurt, because anything would be better than pushing down the constant shame, pretending it didn't exist but it was right there. It really was shame – he felt it in the pouring of the rain, heard it in the thunder of the sky – and Uncle had been right – and he was probably right about everything else, too – Zuko couldn't redirect lightning because what could he do? – who was he? – a failure that didn't matter compared to his sister, was completely powerless against her; couldn't even protect his own uncle.
He'd always said that struggles had made him strong, he thought. Because at least all the suffering would have meant something, it wasn't all for nothing – he was getting the strength out of it that he desperately needed! – but now... This whole time, who was he kidding? The rain battered his face, and lightning struck everywhere but here, and he felt small, so pathetically small against the mountains and the sky, and he was weaker than ever – and it would all be so much simpler if the lightning struck him now! Could he actually redirect it if it did? – he thought, and he didn't know, and he didn't care. He screamed, frustration reaching the clouds in his voice, and the sky remained silent as ever, because of course it did. And where did that leave him? Lost, alone, screaming at the world – and what was he doing there? – it wouldn't fix him now, wouldn't give him the purpose he desperately needed. No rules or directions to follow to block out the thoughts – what was he meant to do with all of this now?
Constant struggles, all his life. Constantly trying to overcome them – getting Azula away from him, getting rid of Zhao, capturing the Avatar. Always a problem to face, an enemy to fight and it wasn't easy, but it was so much simpler than this. And who was he meant to fight now? This stupid, unresponsive sky? The world? Himself? He didn't know, and he wished someone would just tell him because he didn't think he could take this for much longer. So why couldn't life just throw another hardship at him? – give him an enemy to beat up, a problem with a straightforward solution, some kind of direction – anything! – and he would do it.
But no. The rain was dying down now, and the sky lit up for the last time, and them the storm was gone and all that remained was the bitter cold.
There was no direction left. He would have to make his own path. Solve his own problems, do what he wanted – and he didn't know what that was. All he knew was that the world had given up on him, just like Father had, and he was lost, and alone, and he was such a failure.
________________
Excuse the POV change y'all.
I sat under a tree, surrounded by nature and peace and I couldn't calm down. Breathing was difficult, my heart was racing, and over and over I reminded myself – this is not the end. You still have a chance. You still have your memories.
Twelve years' worth of memories had to count for something, right? Things I'd lived through in my youngest and most impressionable years – I'd just get them all back and become a pacifist monk like Aang, right? It had to be like that, because if not –
I didn't want to think about the if not. I shouldn't be thinking at all. I should be meditating. – And would it even work? Would Roku even know – I needed him to know, because what would I do if he didn't – it'll be fine. Just calm down and it will all be fine.
I don't know how long I spent trying to meditate, but my thoughts raced and so did my heart and it didn't work. I opened my eyes and the sun was setting – I needed to go back! – but I couldn't bring myself to move. It's now or never – and I wished I could just forget.
The rock came suddenly. Probably a practice move of Toph's or Aang's, I didn't know, but what I did know was that a rock was flying towards me – not huge but enough to hurt – and then I was in pain and falling to the ground and then, finally, everything went black.
The next thing I saw before me was the lake, the trees, the yellow sky, and I had made it. I was there, in the spirit world, and now, I had to find Roku.
"Hello?" I yelled, "Roku, I really need to speak to you!"
After a minute, I heard the rustle of leaves in the distance, and I knew he was close. Before he'd even fully made it out of the trees, I began.
"So, I'm sorry to come here all of a sudden, but I really need your help."
"Ah, (y/n)... What's troubling you?"
"Well, you see..." My words came out very urgent and fast, bordering on incoherence. "Remember how, when I woke up from my coma, I didn't remember anything? All I knew of my past came from a letter I found on my bed. And I guess I didn't mind that much back then, but it's suddenly become very important to me to get all the memories back, so..." I slowed down. "Please, Roku, could you help me?"
He paused, taking a deep breath before replying. When he spoke, his voice was gentle and soft. "(y/n)... why do you need the memories now?"
"Because I do! Please, if you know anything, I..." I stopped. Clearly, he did know something. And it seemed like, unless I answered his question properly, he wouldn't tell me. I tried again: "The thing is... uh... back when I was twelve and younger, I was... a much better person than I am today. And I want to go back to that, I want to be the person I was again. Because... I don't like what I've become."
"What do you mean?" he asked, and I really wished he hadn't said that, because I didn't know how to answer without saying it outright, and I didn't want to do that. Saying the words out loud just made everything seem more real.
"Well, you know..." I took a deep breath. "I was a pacifist, and I was calmer, and I wasn't so quick to jump into things, and I was just... a lot nicer. And now... I can't be that now."
He paused. "How do you know that is how you used to be?"
"Because I was an Air Nomad! And that's just the culture... I mean yeah, there are variations with personality, but generally, I probably would have been like that, right? I would have been a much better person!"
"Do you believe your culture defines how good of a person you are?"
"Well, uh... If you put it like that... no?... yes – maybe?" He'd phrased it in such a way that I had no idea how to answer. It sounded so wrong – but then my circumstances – no, but yes, but – I didn't know! – and then, without thinking, I burst out: " Well, Air Nomad culture didn't lead the world into a century-long war!"
There was a long pause, and I looked down at the lake. The fish didn't calm me down this time. Eventually, he spoke:
"You're afraid that you've been shaped by the Fire Nation."
I winced. Hearing it out loud meant the words had more weight, made them real, and there was no escape from the uncomfortable truth. Very slowly, still not lowering my eyes from the lake, I nodded.
"I see. I myself don't like what my nation has become. The past three Fire Lords have destroyed the world, and for that, I can never forgive them..." he paused. "Even so, that doesn't mean the whole country is bad and beyond redemption. I may be angry, I may be disappointed... yet, I will never be ashamed of my country. (y/n)... I think you need to realize the same."
"What?" I looked up at him. "I mean, good for you for not being blinded by patriotism or whatever, but what does that have to do with me?"
"(y/n), it is your country, too."
"What?" I froze. "What, no, what do you – unless? Do you mean – I'm not an – but I thought – I must be!" My legs were beginning to shake, and I sat down, my breathing coming our faster than ever.
"I don't mean that. Yes, you are an Air Nomad by birth. But there is more to identity than that. It is not only how your are born that matters, but the beliefs and values with which you are raised. Both of those things make you into who you are. And you were raised in the Fire Nation."
For a moment, the fear was gone, replaced with frustration. "Yes, but only for a couple years! I still have twelve years of Air Nomad memories! I'll remember and then those thirty months won't even matter, so stop trying to convince me to 'accept myself' or whatever, because that Fire Nation person you envision isn't me!"
I took a deep breath. I hadn't meant to say all that – it probably came off as rude, and I really didn't want to offend Roku. "Sorry, I just..." I whispered weakly. "I just want my memories. Please. That's... that's all I ask."
Another long pause, and I could swear even the birds had stopped singing.
And then – "I'm sorry, (y/n). I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but... They're gone. If you haven't remembered them by now, you never will. The memories are gone, and they're not coming back.
The blood in my body froze in an instant, and I could barely move. Breath hitching in my throat, I slowly turned my head around to look at him. "What?" I whispered, though I didn't know if any sounds actually left my mouth.
"I'm sorry, (y/n)."
"W-what?" I repeated, because no. No way, no way, no way, this couldn't be real. They had to still be there, they had to – I couldn't have just... lost them forever – no, no no no no no no no! – no, there had to be a way, he had to be wrong, I couldn't – what did that – what was I – no, no way no no no!
"I..." I started, my voice hoarse, but no words made their way out. "I'm... But..." And I knew what I wanted to say, and there was no point denying it anymore, and I couldn't bear to say the words out loud.
Roku spoke for me. "You don't want to act the way that you do anymore, because you learned it from the Fire Nation."
I didn't say anything, and I wished he wouldn't either – and I hated how he knew what I was thinking because if he didn't – if I hadn't been knocked out by that stupid rock, I could have spent the rest of my days in blissful ignorance – and I wouldn't have to hear those awful words. But no – and on top of that, my memories were gone – I'd changed and there was no going back and I didn't know who I'd become, didn't know and I hated it, except I did know – just say it already – and I didn't want to but – just admit it – and... I couldn't. No, no way –
"No way," I said, my voice a weak whisper. "I'm just... I'm just making this up, right? This is all a bad dream. Or... it's just my insecurities talking. Maybe I... maybe I act like an Air Nomad and it's just me... worrying too much? Maybe that's all? Please... tell me that's... that's all..."
"(y/n)... Think back to your bending lessons. What is the element you have the most trouble with?"
"Water..." I whispered – "But! That doesn't have to mean anything, I mean, I'm sure there's another explanation and –"
"Though it is a good indication, there is one other way to tell for certain."
"Oh?" Suddenly, my eyes lit up. Hope came flooding back, even though I knew I should hold on for a little longer – it was too early to feel any hope, he hadn't even spoken – but still, maybe, maybe it wasn't all so bad, maybe there was still a chance.
"After you woke up... What was the first element you manifested?"
The... first...
Oh.
The first.
No.
The library, all those books filled with lies and propaganda, all those feelings of despair and rage and the burning table. And there it was. Irrefutable evidence.
"...Fire." I could barely hear myself speak as I said it. "It was fire. But then – it makes no sense, I was born –"
And I knew I was wrong, I knew I was desperate and scrambling for the slightest bit of proof, but I couldn't stop.
"You need to accept it, (y/n)," he said, the words sounding authoritative and sinister through my fear. "There's nothing wrong with you. You just... are. Air runs in your blood, but fire runs in your spirit."
No, no no no – Yes.
"Goodbye," he said, his voice suddenly distant and quiet, and everything was once again black.
I woke up.
I wished I hadn't.
________________
Minutes passed, minutes as long as hours and maybe it was hours, because the sky was completely black. The grass was soft beneath my hands, and I breathed slowly, taking in the cool night air. I could hear it – gentle as it rustled through the trees and the grass, sweeping up leaves and dropping them down to the dirt. It whispered to me, called to me, fragments of the conversation washing over me.
I'd let this happen. It was my fault, and I should have known better, and I'd let this happen. That awful country, responsible for the death of my people – could I even call them my people anymore? – responsible for the death of my parents, and of countless other lives and... I'd become one of them.
How could I have sat there as that life carried on around me, passively taking it all in? Sure, I had resisted the propaganda, knew better than to listen to the politics – but everything else? What about everything else? – I'd let them change me.
I could have been a different person. A calm, kind, peaceful person, someone who would rather suffer for the rest of their life before they even thought about hurting someone. And that person had been me, once. I'd had it, and then it had all slipped away. And who was I now? What kind of monster had they made me into? I made me into?
I wished it had never happened. I wished I'd stayed in the Air Temple, asleep forever, lost between the living and the dead. But I was awake. I had to deal with this. Had to deal with me. And that was absolutely unbearable.
My breathing quickened, and I could barely feel the breeze on my cheeks.
What was I? Apparently, an idiot. An unbelievably huge one, who should have known better, but I didn't – Heartless, incompetent, pathetic.
I couldn't feel the night air at all, and the rustling noises of leaves and forest creatures vanished.
If I'd just remained in the Air Temple, maybe I'd be miserable and lost and alone, but I would be a good person, with a clear conscience. But no... I had to come with my parents – ruin their lives and Azula had been right – if only they hadn't taken me back, Azula wouldn't have come to the house, wouldn't have seen, wouldn't have told – they would still be alive.
Was there anything in this world I was good for?
I'd given Aang false hope. Katara wasted her time on me every day, teaching me things I would never learn. And what had I done for them – had I helped them in any way? – no, I hadn't, I'd just gone and used their kindness, and they knew and they were too nice to tell me the truth, too nice to upset me and they were the kindest people in the world and I didn't deserve them.
I didn't deserve them. They should just leave me. I should just stay here, among the wind and the trees I could no longer tell were there – and they'd be happier, wouldn't have to deal with the constant reminder of the people that had hurt them all so badly.
It really was my country. Full of ignorant, sadistic, lying pieces of shit and I fit right in.
The wind was back, and it was warm. I closed my eyes, blinking out the tears.
Took a deep breath.
Opened them.
And of course, I'd done it again.
Yellow, orange, red, hot, detestable, violent, disgusting, the trees around where I sat lit up like giant candles, burning branches crumbling to the ground, and of course – here it was, more and more irrefutable evidence – because everything else wasn't enough – more proof because the world knew it and wanted me to know it too – wanted it burned into the trees and the landscape and into me – wanted me to know it and to suffer, and I wanted to scream. Why this? Why me? – And why did it have to be fire, stupid fucking fire that destroyed every beautiful thing in its path – why couldn't I have created a tornado or a whirlpool or an avalanche – anything but this! – but it was here, the spark was there and now it was burning and it wouldn't stop – and why fire? – for the exact reason that Aang's first choice was air – listen to what Roku told you, don't be such a fucking idiot, you know it, accept it – this is you now. This is who I was, and I wished I wasn't like this, wished I wasn't me, wished I wasn't.
"(y/n)!" came a voice that I didn't hear until it was practically a scream. "(y/n), what on earth is going on, are you alright – (y/n)!"
I lay down, staring up into the flames and the sky. Maybe it would be better if they never found me.
"(y/n), come on, you could get hurt! Please just come out and whatever it is, we can talk about it!"
I wanted to come out, wanted to go to my friends and then we'd eat and I would sleep and tomorrow, we'd be flying off on Appa and I could pretend none of this ever happened.
"(y/n), please... We're worried about you!"
I couldn't move. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop the tears or the flames, and I hated it all.
"(y/n)!"
And then, suddenly, the flames around me disappeared and I was soaked. Freezing water poured onto me, and I sat up, the shock momentarily pushing out all other thoughts.
"What the –"
"(y/n)! What happened here? You could have hurt yourself!" Katara ran towards me, followed by the others.
"I-I... I just... I'm sorry..."
"(y/n), just tell us what happened," said Sokka.
"I... The memories, they're... they're gone."
"What! (y/n), what do you mean?"
"They're gone and they're not coming back, Roku told me, and I... I'm so sorry I'm... like this, I... Aang, I'm sorry."
"She realized," Katara whispered at the others, and they nodded.
"Hey, look, it's not like you're personally responsible for the war!" said Sokka. "And your parents – weren't they also –"
"That's different!" I interrupted. "They're the exception, and they're nothing like the others!"
"Well, can't you also be an exception?" Toph asked.
I looked down. I didn't know what to say to that except that no, I couldn't.
"I'm sorry I have to be like this. I wish I could be different. I wish I could change –"
Wait. I could change. If I tried really hard, tried to act as peaceful as possible –
"(y/n), you're fine as you are. You're being way too hard on yourself," said Katara.
"And it's okay if you can't remember," said Aang. "You're not a bad person."
But I was a bad person. And I would try to change that – push down every strong emotion, try not to think about Azula, and I would definitely never, ever firebend again.
"I'm sorry you had to deal with... that," I said, gesturing towards the trees. "But you won't ever have to again. Ever."
Katara sounded concerned as she asked me, "What do you mean?"
"I won't be the person I was anymore. I'm going to change. I'll try my best, I promise."
"Change? – in what way?" asked Aang.
"For the better." I offered him a weak smile, and started heading off towards my tent. I was exhausted, and I hoped that in my sleep, I would dream about anything other than this. If I couldn't be a different person through my memories, then I'd just have to force the fire out of me.
I had to.
I had no other choice.
(a/n): ... and now everyone unsubscribes. DGSGKSKG sorry not sorry for this chapter: we're not having an edgy forgotten past as well as an edgy present! There's only so much that my soul can take 😪 Which sounds strange coming from the girl that just wrote a long ass mental breakdown, but... Anywayzzz, thus begins (y/n)'s highkey angsty, highkey beefy, HIGHKEY irrational identity crisis!! ✌ <3 Seey'all! :)