Travis point of view
I am sitting on the balcony of my house in Corfu and island close to the coast of mainland Greece. Albania is nice and close providing opportunity for those quick get aways but not as often as I would like. Corfu is ideal for the kind of lifestyle I like to live you get all the benefits of island living however all the city pleasures are available in the island's busy city centre of Kerkyra. A regular ferry connection to mainland Greece means that my lifestyle here is extremely comfortable as I can access easily my material needs.
My white stone villa overlooks the beautiful crystal clear blue waters of the Ionian Sea. I find it impossible to believe that I could ever tire of the pristine vista laid out before me. The weather is always beautiful and I take every opportunity to feel the sun on my bare skin. Today is no different enjoying the sun on my shirtless back as I paint one of my favourite views.
Your probably wondering what I am doing in the Greek Islands when the family business is going through such turmoil. Especially strange I suppose for someone who is the son and heir of the family business and a father who is adamant that I will succeed him. He didn't ask me if I wanted that particular responsibility or even check in to see if there was another direction I would like to take. I was just told me that was the way it had to happen. But my sister has always been more interested in that stuff than me but that didn't seem to matter a lot to father. In the early days I did try and get him to see my viewpoint because I felt so bad for Bella. Why couldn't he just bend a little? Bella was bending over backwards to please him and wasn't getting any recognition. It was no use at all he just dug his heels in further if I tried to raise the topic. It was a dark time for me and there were times that I questioned whether I wanted to be here at all. In an instant my life changed and my family dynamic just didn't matter to me anymore.
My villa is my secret, nobody knows about it – family or friends. It is my safe place, my haven, the one place in the world that I can truly be me. No expectations, no pressures just peace and privacy. I have been so discrete in buying this place that there isn't any way to trace the purchase back to me. Unfortunately I need to drop off of the radar quite a bit. The down side is that my need for secrecy has led to assumptions being made about me and they haven't formed a hold a high opinion of me. They think I am unreliable and selfish. Too bad. I am rather sad about my relationship with Bella though it has created a strain that was never there before. I know she will always be there for me but I also know she is not impressed by my lack of commitment to the family business. She isn't in the place where she can see just how much damage is being done to the family because of fathers' need to control every dam thing, that is the glaring difference between us. Father says jump and Bella says how high? I have learned to give nothing and then nothing is expected of me and I am then free to be me.
I never planned to become the black sheep of the family it just happened that way. Trust me had there been an alternative I would have happily taken it. I have paid a high price for my freedom. In the early days I was happy to play the role of the dutiful son; resigned to my destiny. That was before my first year at Brown University. My world was literally turned upside down as the universe delivered to me a delightful and totally unexpected gift. My plans for my future quickly abandoned the moment as soon as I set eyes on a miracle of nature Kosta, a beautiful Greek boy studying at the university on a student exchange visa.
My sexuality had always been my secret. I knew I was gay, always did but also knew it wasn't something that I couldn't talk about with my father. He wielded enough control over my life I wasn't about to give him any more power than he already had. I wouldn't share my secret with the family. So I decided not to pursue any long term relationships. I'd hadn't met anyone that tempted me to become serious enough to put myself and if the hormones got too out of control I would engage in a discreet one night stand. They usually left me feeling less than satisfied so my life was pretty much celibate by choice.
That was until Kosta Barlos walked into my life and claimed my heart from the first moment I set eyes on him. My heart literally skipped a beat and I am convinced should anything ever happen to him my heart would stop beating. I knew right from the beginning that this would be serious and we would need to be creative in finding a way to share our time together without my father interfering.
. Kosta Barlos now twenty four and practices law. He is good at whatever he puts his mind to. Yes I am extremely attracted to his intelligence, his personality and if I am to be honest it doesn't hurt that he is so good looking he puts Greek gods to shame. Jet black hair always immaculate slicked back with gel, eyes the same crystal blue of the Ionian sea, chiseled jaw, olive complexion, smooth skin and a naturally athletic build which he doesn't have to work at but he chooses to. Every inch of his body is a chiseled masterpiece.
Truly beautiful inside and out there is not a nasty bone in his body. I had no experience of sharing space with someone so loving, caring and devoid of ego. His patience has proven to me time and time again. If the roles were reversed I am not certain that I could have put up with as much as he has in this relationship. Kosta comes from a loving supportive family who are open about and accepting of his sexuality. They have accepted me as a member of their family and I have never felt so loved and included. His home life is the total opposite of mine and even though it is something which is difficult for him to comprehend he has been totally supportive of my lack of readiness to come out to my family. To stick to this decision has been hard for me as well. To be so much in love and not be able to share your joy with your family is heartbreaking. It also means there are many times when Kosta and I can't be together because of the need to be secretive,
So here on this island I am free to be me. I can paint without criticism that I am wasting my time and energy. My work is being sold on commission at a local art boutique in the city and I have been commissioned for some significant pieces for some of the expats who occupy the impressive ocean side mansions. Unfortunately I have had to use a pseudonym so I can keep it on the quiet and not risk my family getting wind of it.
Gentle kisses feather the nape of my neck and tingles race through my body. No one can make me feel this way. I don't have to turn to see who it is his touch is all I need. I turn to face the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and hopefully one day start a family with.
"Early minute? What a lovely surprise"
I plant a welcome home kiss on his cheek wanting to hug him but I needed to clean some paint off first. I start cleaning the brushes that I have been working with as I have finished for the day. Kosta is the only interruption that I happily will stop painting for. The sense that there is something more to this coming home early today and rather than excited anticipation I have the beginnings of apprehension curling in my gut.
He lowers himself gracefully onto the cane peacock chair, his favourite chair on the balcony. I don't waste the chance to study his face trying to find the clues which will answer the question forming inside of me. His eyes have shadows beneath them and his olive skin looks quite pale. Instantly I feel concern – is he getting sick? Has he been working too hard? There are other clues telling me that all is not well with him. His usually perfectly groomed hair tousled not in the same sexy way that it is after we make love but in the way it does when he has been working late on a case, worrying while he rakes his hands through his hair. Is he stressed? Is something wrong at work? Is there a problem with his family? All questions I could ask directly and he would answer but something is holding me back and I am painfully aware that the ball of apprehension in the pit of my stomach is definitely growing. I decide to take the safe option. Not risking finding out my worst fears are true any earlier than I have to. Yes, I am the master of avoidance, obvious isn't it, that's how I ended up her in the first place.
"Good old avoid the uncomfortable at any cost me!"
I shake my head in an effort to interrupt my personal pity party and give my full attention to Kosta.
"Why home so early?"
I tilt my head to side waiting for him to answer me
He answers and I can see by his body language that he is struggling. I hate to see him hurting like this no matter who is at fault.
"Travis I came home early because we need to talk."
The apprehension is now rolling around in my stomach. A wave of nausea sweeps over me as I feel like my safe world is about to be shaken right up. I wait. I'm not sure if it is because I am being a considerate partner or because of the need to protect myself from what I fear am resorting to delaying tactics. My gut is telling me that I'm about to hear something I really don't want to. I know it must be important because Kosta seems to be struggling to start. I can't bear to see him so torn. I swallow hard. My concern for this man is more important than anything I can imagine; He has to be my priority.
"You know you can tell me anything babe but you're worrying me what's wrong?"
Kosta rakes his hands throw his hair, I was right he is worried about something. I try to focus on him. The last thing I need to be doing is to imagine all the possible scenarios containing all my worst fears.
God I can't breathe! Is he trying to dump me?
His lips are moving. I have something to focus on other than the hell I am creating in my head. Focusing intensely I don't wish to miss a word that is coming out of this beautiful humans mouth.
Kostas' eyes are glistening and he looks close to tears. I can clearly see that this is very difficult for him.
"Travis you are the man of my dreams. I had to cross continents to find you and I would do it again and again if I had to. You are my world. I have been incredibly patient because I love you so much but things have to change. Honey I hate to do this but I had hoped if I gave you the space that you would arrive at this place of your own accord. You have been a very important part of my life for six years and all I want to do is grow old with you. Nobody else but you. When we first got together we talked about coming out to your family and you said you needed time. Six years Travis and nothing has changed with your family. Don't get me wrong we have built a beautiful life here but it is not a full life. It can't be as long as I am your dirty little secret. There are so many things we don't get to share or do because you can't own who you are/who we are. We want to become parents but how can we? They will never know their extended family and they will have to adapt to a father who is only there part time. This isn't healthy for you or me and it needs to change."
Kosta slumps back in the chair as if the effort sapped him of all his energy. Tears glisten on his lashes threatening to spill down his face. It hurts like hell to see hurting like this especially in the love of my life.
I take in a shaky breath. I too feel like crying. Overwhelmed by the outpouring of pain which he has been brave enough to share with and also ashamed that it is me that has bought this pain to his door. I can't blame him for feeling this way. I have taken advantage of his good nature not intentionally but I have just the same. I'm very lucky that he looks at me with love and not bitterness. He is right I have been promising that I would tell my family for six years and I keep breaking that promise. I realise now that I haven't because it is easier to disappoint loving, kind, patient Kosta than face the fear I have of my father's reaction. I feel like shit. Kosta deserves so much better. He is right it is half a life. There is so much more that we could be doing but we can't because I refuse to grow up and be the man that Kosta deserves. How can I talk about bringing children into the world when I am ashamed of the love that will raise them?
I seriously have nothing to worry about should my father disown me. Financially I am independent and have the means to sustain a comfortable life style. One of us will need to be a stay at home parent. My painting can be done when I want so that makes me the obvious choice. Frankly I would love to be a hands on father, the kind of father I wish my father had been. I don't want my children growing up feeling life they are not good enough and need to lie about who they are. I am not acting like a man who deserves to consider fatherhood let alone become one. More importantly I have acted like a man that deserves to be loved in the way Kosta has loved me – unconditionally with his whole self. I am feeling shittier by the minute.
I have been a coward. Bella and mum will support me no matter what just as they have my entire life. I love them completely and it is time that I offer them the respect they deserve and share my truth. Just like Kosta they deserve all of me. Lies have created distance between us and that is my responsibility to fix. Kosta deserves better than this, I deserve better than this.
"God I hope that I haven't blown it!"
Tears of apology fill my eyes. I feel sick at how lost he looks what it is worse I know it was me that did this to him. It is time for me to the man he believes me to be. If he still wants me I will step up and tell my family everything. No more lies.
I cross the balcony dropping to my knees and circle my hands around his.
"Forgive me please Kosta I never meant to make you feel this way. You are nobody's dirty secret. You are my reason for living. The only joy that I have and you deserve so much better than this. I have avoided telling my family not because of my shame but because of my weakness. My father intimidates me and I just realised that it was easier to let you down than face my father. I love you with all my heart please believe never in a million years would I do anything to hurt you intentionally. That doesn't change the fact that I have been thoughtless, selfish and taken advantage of your good nature. I wouldn't blame you if you walk away but I am begging you for a chance to make this right. I need you more than my father's acceptance and I am sorry it has taken so long for me to truly see that." Tears roll down my face. I want him to hold me and tell me that I haven't thrown away the only thing that truly matters in my life. I am rigid with fear.
He stands up and at the same time pulls me a standing position. My shame is so great and my fear so high I can't bring myself to look into his eyes. I'm afraid of what I will see there. Kosta senses this and places a finger under my chin tilting my face so I have no choice to look into his eyes. The relief is immediate.
"I never wanted to force you into anything Travis. I had hoped with time that you would be able to overcome your resistance and sort this out. For whatever reason or reasons you haven't been able to. I don't hate you for it but there are two of us in this relationship and my needs are equally important. We are not college kids anymore. We are grown ups and I want our relationship to be grown up. It was kind of sexy and fun to be a secret to start with but it isn't anymore. Not for me anyway. I want to be in your life completely. I want to meet your family. I want to do all of the normal things that couples do. I don't want to be relegated to the shadows any longer. We talk about having a family but that would be so selfish of us should we do that with the way things stand. With you bouncing between Greece and the States we don't get enough time together. If it is not enough time for me, it will certainly not enough time for our children. I'm tired of sneaking around. I have reached my limit. I can't handle it anymore. My family loves and accepts you. They keep asking when they will meet your family and the constant excuses confuse them. I'm tired of playing games." A single tear slides down his cheek. My heart shatters.
"I can make this right, please let me." I search his face to see if there is hope there. A second chance? Tears flowing freely he nods. Relief floods my mind and body. I bury my face in his chest loving the manly smell that is Kosta. I look up at him and he leans in as we give and receive the most gentle of kisses. We will be Ok. I kiss his tear stained face and wipe them with gentle fingers. I never want to be responsible for making him cry again.
He is so dam classy. No screaming, no name calling and no threats. He speaks from the heart and with nothing but respect. His loves me unconditionally and I am inspired to return that love in a way that I have never have before. I am filled with pride that such a high quality human being wants to be with me, still loves me. Wants to grow old with me. It is time.
"No more lies, I promise. I will book a flight today and head back to the states. My father, my family, the whole freakin' world is about to meet the real me. The lies stop now. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me. You are so brave. It couldn't have been easy and I love that you love me enough to hold me accountable. You help me to grow and I want to be the best version of myself for you. God I love you."
Kosta kisses my forehead rubbing his thumb over my cheek.
"I love you too and I will never stop loving you. Thank you."
His lips lock with mine. His passion has a new intensity leaving me with no doubt that we are on the edge of something significant. I better not blow this. His kiss leaves me with no doubt of his love and an understanding that if I can't own who I am he will love me from a distance. I answer his passion hoping that he can feel the level of my commitment to make this right. I can do this for him and for us. I will face my family so I can finally have my happily ever after. In the meantime I am taking this man to bed so I can commit every inch of his body to memory to give me the strength I will need to face my father. Kosta follows me to the bedroom.