Pink and red balloons.
Haunting music playing.
Green eyes filled with regret.
Blue eyes filled with amusement and hate.
Mr. Gerard asking if I am alright.
Silence.
Camera phones.
Pain.
Gasping, I sat up in bed and clutched my chest as I tried and failed to calm myself down. The memories of that horrible night began to melt away from my half awake mind as I reached feebly for my cellphone to check the time.
6:14am
My phone all but laughed at me. I didn't have to be at work until noon today and yet here I was...up earlier than the birds.
It was still dark, the light of the sun just slowly brimming this side of the world to get us up and out of our beds to take on the new day. It was a beautiful sort of twilight outside, my fingers peaking between the blinds beside my mattress to get a good look at it.
My violin called to me from the other room, my hands itching to play but...something in me was telling me not to. It was like my body craved the feel of the instrument but nothing in me actually wanted to play it. I didn't quite understand it...it made me feel...out of control of myself.
I'd been feeling out of control for a while now.
I liked my day to day. Everything was anticipated...everything had a specific order to it but as of late things had clearly been shaken up a bit.
Shaken...and diced...and shredded.
The conversation from just the day before with Kira was on instant replay in the back of my mind.
I had to admit, I empathized with her to a certain extent.
I couldn't imagine what her pain must have been with all of that going on with her dad. Unfortunately for me, I was as much to blame for the loss of contact as she was. I'd been a brat and an emotional wreck that first year after graduating and of course Kira would pull away. Not everyone was up for the task of dealing with me back then...I couldn't completely blame her for backing off.
However...I could blame her for choosing to repeatedly see the guy I'd been in love with and who I'd had my heart destroyed by. Yet, she was still seeing him now...even after everything.
I flopped back onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling...not for the first time. It was always like this after one of my nightmares.
The pained look in Harry's eyes after I'd told him I'd wished I'd never met him and never let him in flicked across my mind's eye and tugged at the poorly put together organ in my chest.
Had I meant that? Had I actually meant it?
I couldn't say. Even now I knew if he really begged, if he really begged me for my forgiveness that I'd do it. I'd do it so easily despite not wanting to.
He'd abandoned me and now he was hooking up with my former best friend but I'd still let it go if he really asked it of me.
She saved me from myself.
I huffed, tossing an arm over my eyes as my heart rate accelerated. What was I supposed to do now? Was I just supposed to forgive her because he'd asked me to? Because he'd been the one to make the first move? I didn't owe him anything. I didn't owe her anything either. They were both willingly choosing to be together.
I'm still hopelessly in love with you.
That long haired boy is still waiting for you.
"Bullshit." I muttered to myself, flipping onto my side and staring at my phone, the face dark once again. My chest constricted and I had to take in a deep breath to keep myself from getting emotional.
I could not cry about this. I wouldn't, not anymore.
If I let myself cry again I don't think I could ever stop. This kind of pain was like a never ending drain that would greedily consume my tears and never want them to end. I needed to remain calm.
But there they were...those sneaky memories.
The scrunch of his nose. The strum of his guitar. His hair between my fingers. The smell of him on my skin. The way we'd danced in the studio. The way we'd lied together underneath the stars.
I'll never hurt you again Josie I swear it...cross my heart.
My throat clamped shut as tears began to pool in my eyes.
But he had...and he'd done more than hurt me...
He'd ripped apart my soul.
~~~~~
"So...how was your day?"
Derek's voice broke through the dead silence that had filled the apartment long after I'd come home after my shift. I'd been restless all day and completely unfocused. Holly didn't seem to mind but I did. I hated that this was all still effecting me so much.
"You know how my day was...just look at me." I pointed to my face halfheartedly and let my arm drop back down against the couch cushion. Derek had allowed me a decent amount of time to decompress once I'd walked through the entryway. He'd only eyed me warily from his spot on the couch, his fluffy robe wrapped tightly around his waist, as I'd dropped my purse and keys onto the kitchen counter and dragged myself over to him where I'd unceremoniously flopped down burying my head in my hands before falling backwards into the soft cushions.
"So I'm going to assume that talk with Kira yesterday went about as well as we'd expected." I nodded, my eyes glued to the television although I had no idea what I was watching.
"Yup." My mouth popped the last "p" and my eyes just zoned out, far too many things running through my mind.
"Give me the spark notes version?"
I took in a deep and audible breath before turning my eyes to Derek's brown ones. He was trying not to look eager for information but the slight tapping of his pinky finger against the arm of the couch gave him away.
"Well...she said that they ran into each other a year ago and then six months ago they met up and then basically opened up to each other about their shit and....you can guess the rest," Derek blanched, pretending to throw up or gag and I just nodded before continuing, "she said he still has feelings for me, in so many words. She also said they haven't slept together since the day we ran into each other in the park." Derek's eyes went wide at the last bit and looked like he was about to have a heart attack.
"Wow."
"Mhmm." I hummed and went back to staring at the television, the activity on the screen not really sticking with me. Derek seemed to think on the information I'd given him before he turned to face me fully.
"Well...I guess now would not be a good time to tell you that Vogue is having their party this weekend and Kira might be there?" My eyes snapped to his and just observed, no clear emotion on my face and Derek was obviously nervous by that.
"What?" I asked, my tone rigid and flat but my gaze did not falter from his. He cleared his throat and shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.
"Well...she got to shoot for Vogue a little while ago...so she might be invited I'm not sure though. I haven't checked the guest list."
"What if Harry goes with her?"
We both went quiet at that. I knew the Vogue party was this weekend but the idea that Kira, and potentially Harry, would be there made my skin itch.
"Well...there is that I suppose. You could bring a date?" Derek offered and I just rolled my eyes, sinking further into the cushions of the couch and praying it would just swallow me whole.
"Please don't make me go." I groaned and my best friend just waved his hand at me dramatically.
"Oh you're going and you should bring a date. You don't have to but it would be better than going alone. Reed will be with me and we all know how much you love being our third wheel." I hated being their third wheel.
"This seems...like something I shouldn't do." I turned my focus back to Derek who was looking down his nose at me like he was disappointed.
"Where's that evil kitty I adore so much? I do miss her and her ferociousness." He was saying this on purpose to get a rise out of me. He knew I didn't like being whiny. He knew I didn't like seeming weak. He knew exactly what he was doing right now.
This seemed like a terrible idea. The worst possible idea but...he was right. I was hung up in my head about how these two people, who had meant so much to me at one point, could just dismiss my feelings. It might do me some good to go out and have a good time for once. I never went out and partied anymore. Besides... the Vogue parties were always a good time when I did decide to go.
I deserved a little bit of fun.
"Who the hell am I going to convince to go out with me?" I asked exasperated and Derek's face lit up with a triumphant grin.
"Uh...Edward?"
"No, fuck that guy he didn't even show up to our date." I bit back, standing up abruptly from the couch and walking towards the fridge to get something to drink.
"Okay, okay! Hmm...," when I began to head back to the couch with a glass of water in hand, Derek was drumming his fingers against his chin until I sat back down, "what about....that girl that offered you private lessons?"
My blood pressure rose.
"Amelia?" I squeaked out, a blush rising to my cheeks. He couldn't be serious.
"Sure, if that's her name. You said she was a hottie so...ask her and while you're at it...sign up for a private lesson or two."
"And you say I was the evil one...I'm not going to use her." I immediately gulped down my water, surprisingly parched all of a sudden. Amelia had seemed nice but I had never intended to actually call her about the ballet lessons. My ankle ached just thinking about it.
"But isn't that what you do these days? Use men and women to get over Mr. Still Needs a Bath?" I sputtered, almost choking on the water in my throat, and reached over to smack Derek on whatever part of him I could get my hands on but he scrambled away from the couch with a shit eating grin on his face.
"I'm not wrong! Just call her! You'll thank me later!" and just like that he disappeared to the safety of his bedroom and I was left there wondering if this was about to be a terrible mistake.
I couldn't lie, there was something humming just under the surface of my skin that was practically begging to go out and have a good time. Things had been so awful lately and I was tired of being upset and angry. If Kira happened to be at the Vogue party and she happened to bring Harry with her...it might be a good idea to have someone on my arm to keep me distracted.
It might be nice to spend the evening with someone who seemed genuinely kind. I could be honest with Amelia and tell her that it didn't have to be an official date or anything and to be fair...I didn't even know if she was into women...it could just be as friends but Kira and Harry, were they to be there, would be none the wiser.
It was with the possibility of having a fun evening for a change buzzing through me that I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and dialed the number saved under her contact. It rang four times before she answered.
"Ah, boxer girl! You ready for that lesson?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's Note:
Oooooooooooooooop
What do we think will happen next chapter?
I'm sure you all have theories. I wonder who will guess right >:)
You all were still wondering what happened at that Valentine's Day dance.....right???
*cackles maniacally*
-Balletclutz