Christmas break is supposed to be a happy time. Two weeks off from work, getting to see my friends and family... I love this time of year. The decorations, the hot coco, taking walks in the snow. I love all of it. This year is different, though. When I pull up in from of Shaughna's place for New Year, I'm exhausted.
Nathan kept his promise and he and Elise picked me up at my place when they went to the police to file a report and press charges against Trevor. Of course, Nathan and I had to act like I was only there because I was the one who found the drawing and because I'm Rose's teacher. Not that Elise would have noticed anything. She was totally out of it, trembling the entire time. I had to give a statement and luckily, the police and the people from Child Protective Services made us feel like they took our allegations very seriously.
The headmaster and John filed a report as well, including all the notes I'd made about every single fit Rose had thrown, and every conversation I'd had with her. Thank God I'm an overachiever and I keep files on everything concerning the kids.
I left for my hometown after a few days to celebrate Christmas with my parents. Nathan called me the day after to tell me what had gone down over there. A child psychologist had talked to Rose and it turned out that Trevor had indeed put his hands under her skirt and that he'd threatened to kill her mother if she ever told anyone. He'd only put his hands in her underwear a few times, but that felt like a strange thing to be relieved about. It could have been worse, but I still wanted to cut off his dick. Luckily, he'd never had enough time to do more, since Elise only left them alone in a room together when she cooked dinner or took a shower. He'd never spent the night at their place and he'd never gone anywhere with Rose without Elise.
The best news was that Trevor was, in fact, in jail right now. Not because of what he'd done to Rose, but because the police had searched his place and found enough child porn on his computer to put him away for a long time. Nathan and Elise were still gonna fight to get him convicted for what he did to Rose as well, but at least he was behind bars already, awaiting his official sentence.
Nathan was shaken up, of course. Elise didn't want to be alone, so she was living with Nathan at his house. That pretty much meant that Rose had both of her parents under one roof again. I couldn't help but wonder what that was like for all of them. It must be nice for Rose to have so much support and to not have to see Trevor anymore, but I was selfishly hoping that this wouldn't bring Nathan and Elise closer together.
Once I was brought up to speed, Nathan and I didn't communicate anymore. When New Year's Eve arrives and I drive from my parents' house to Shaughna's, I haven't talked to him in days. Part of me feels like I may as well face facts. Our relationship has barely even started and it's over already. After one date.
I can't even blame him. Everything that happened must have put things in perspective for him. Rose is his number one priority, as she should be. I am an unwanted distraction from his family. And even though he and Elise are divorced, she needs him right now and she's the mother of his kid. There is no place for me in his life. He'd been trying to tell me this from the moment we met. I should have listened.
So... there I am. In front of Shaughna's apartment, trying to slap a smile on my face. It's New Year's Eve after all. We're gonna dress up and go out. And while I'm not planning on getting drunk, I can sure use a drink right now.
Shaughna greets me at the door with two glasses of champagne. It's like that girl can read my mind. She's in a robe and her hair is in a cute disarray. It's gonna take at least an hour before she'll be ready, whereas I only need to shimmy into my dress and slap on some make-up.
"Girl, we need to find you a man," Shaughna tell me when she picks up on my foul mood. "Someone hot."
"Shaugna..." I sigh. "I don't want someone new. Not even for a one-night stand. I just want Nathan. And if I can't have him, then I just want to be on my own."
She sips her champagne before the answers. "And you're sure he's a good guy? He's not gonna hurt you?"
"I told you that you don't have to worry about that." She knows about everything that happened, every single little thing. I called her after finding out about Trevor, in the middle of the night, and she had listened and judged. Not in a bad way, but she had judged every single person that had messed up. Michael Thompson, Trevor, and she even had a few bad words to say about Annabel for making me think that she'd been dating Nathan. She did ask me every time we talked if I was sure I wanted to go down this route, still not convinced that she trusted that Nathan wasn't just some thug.
"Then call him and tell him."
I almost choke on my drink when she says that. When I'm done coughing, I finally manage to get out some words. "Call him?"
"Yeah, call him. Tell him you like him and want him and want to keep dating him." She smiles at my shock. "Car, you're one of the most honest people I know. From what you told me he likes that about you. Why not just tell him?"
"I already told him all those things. And yet I haven't heard from him all week."
"Car..." She grunts and gulps down the rest of the booze. "I love you, but you're dumb as hell. He's living with his ex and his kid right now, all of them going through some major trauma. And sure, you told him before everything went down that you like him, but I think he could use a reminder. How is he supposed to know you're not totally wigging out over all the intense adult issues he's going through right now?"
Is she right? Do I need to make a move to let him know that nothing has changed? Surely he already knows that, right? Then again, I have no idea how he feels. I assume he's done with me, but he hasn't actually told me that to my face or even over the phone.
"Good girl," Shaughna laughs when I take out my phone.
I take a deep breath before tapping his name and putting the phone to my ear. It rings eight times before he finally picks up, sounding flustered.
"Yeah?"
Not the response I hoped for. "Erm... it's me."
"Oh." He sounds confused, like he hadn't checked his screen before picking up. "Is everything okay?"
This is not going the way I wanted to at all. "I'm fine. I just wanted to talk to you."
"Now is not a good time," he says briskly.
"Oh, are you with Elise?"
"Yes."
Fuck. He can't talk to me right now. I should have known better than to just call him without texting first. What if Elise had seen my name light up on his screen? That would totally screw up my life. And his. I'm being an idiot.
"Sorry," I say, getting ready to say goodbye.
Before I can, Shaughna pulls the phone from my hand. "Hi, this is Caroline's best friend," she says, pushing me off of her so I can't stop her. "And she likes you. A lot. She's amazing, as I'm sure you know. We're going out tonight and if you don't want her to hook up with the hottest guy at the party, I suggest you call her back sooner rather than later and talk to her. She has a lot of things to say to you and I think you should hear them." She nods at his response and hangs up with a smirk.
"Shaughna!" I can't believe she just did that. What the fuck was Nathan supposed to think now? There is no way I am hooking up with anyone. This is the kind of stuff you pull when you're sixteen and want the quarterback to notice you. How is this something an adult would do? Nathan will certainly think twice about our relationship now, if there even is one anymore.
"He said that he will call you back." Shaughna pours both of us some more champagne. "That means you have some time to figure out what you want to tell him. Are you gonna play it cool or confess your undying love for him?"
I roll my eyes at her. "Something in between, I guess."
When she's busy with her hair and make-up, I message Nathan. I just can't wait around for him to call me back. I'm not hooking up with anyone. I pause, wondering what else I can say. There's no rush to call me back. Focus on Rose.
I refuse to be the girl that waits by the phone all night, so I get into my dress and do my make-up as well. I deserve a night of fun and God knows I need a distraction from everything that went down the past couple of months. I moved away to start my life over, but I guess you can't run from yourself, now can you? Not that I hate myself, but I never seem to just find a guy and have an easy relationship that actually works out. Drama follows me around wherever I go, apparently.
We're almost out the door when Shaughna turns to me and fidgets with her keys.
"Spit it out," I tell her. She's nervous and Shaughna almost never gets nervous.
"I was thinking..." She hesitates. "We could just go the club to celebrate this godawful year being over, but my friends – your friends – are actually at..."
"Yeah, at...?"
"At Dshawn's."
"Oh, sure, let's go." Why is she being so weird about this? A party at Dshawn's place sounds great. He was famous for his parties back in college. I met Danny at one of his parties. I'd even helped host a few of them back when I'd been dating Dshawn. It would be great to revisit the past. Preferably without Danny there, of course. From what Shaughna has told me, those two are definitely not talking to each other anymore after what Danny did to me, so I don't think he will show up tonight.
"Erm..." Shaughna looks like she's about to puke and she keeps playing with her keys. Hell, she doesn't even look me in the eye. "I have to tell you something."
"You like Dshawn."
Her head snaps up and she looks at me in utter shock. "Oh my God, did he tell you?"
"Tell me what?" It has been clear to me that she likes him ever since I saw them kiss. Shaughna would never kiss an ex of mine if she didn't have some type of feelings for him, not even when she's drunk. And she's been talking about him a lot. Too much, really.
"We erm..."
"Oh," I realize, a little surprised that I didn't figure this out sooner. "You slept with him."
"I'm so sorry!" She groans and pulls a shaking hand through her hair. "I should have told you right away. Well, I shouldn't even have done it without talking to you first. It's just..."
"You like him." It's not a question, I can see it in her eyes.
"Yeah, I do. And I don't know how that happened or when it happened or why or..." She keeps rambling on and on about how awful she feels. I rarely see Shaughna act like this. She hooks up with a lot of guys and she even proudly calls herself a slut sometimes. She had an intense relationship back when she was 18 with a guy that was totally wrong for her and it's like she's been afraid to love again after that relationship crashed and burned. I don't think she even truly liked someone after that. For her to get this flustered over Dshawn is a great thing. And after everything I went through the past months, it just doesn't seem important that he's technically my ex and that he's supposed to off limits to her. I don't want him like that, so what right do I have to tell her not to go for what she wants? Life is too short to worry about such unimportant things.
"Go for it," I tell her, cutting into her rambling speech.
"Really?" Her face is red, even through the thick coat of make-up. "Aren't you mad at me?"
"Of course not." I hug her, laughing at how relieved she is. "He's a good guy. And you're the best friend ever. I think it's great."
She squeals into my ear, making we wince. She's back to her regular peppy self in no-time and we get into the uber she called, arriving at Dshawn's place to find that the entire apartment complex he lives in is apparently in on the party. All doors are open and there are people everywhere, sitting on the stairs and the sidewalk. Yeah, it's a good thing he lives downtown where the noisy bars are, because this would not go over well in the neighborhood Shaughna lives in. Or my parents. Or me, for that matter. I smile when I try to imagine Annabel and Mr. Galf at this party.
"Come on," Shaughna pulls me up the stairs, bumping into a couple that's making out there. "Let's find our host."
Dshawn is easy to spot, since he's always the life of the party. He's standing on top of a table, yelling at a few of his friends who are doing shots. The moment he spots us, he grins and waves us over. We make our way through the crowd, greeting a few people I know from back in college. Dshawn hops down and puts an arm around both of us.
"My girls are here!" he yells and his friends cheer.
"I told her," Shaughna says, almost jumping out of her skin in excitement.
"Oh shit." Dshawn drops his arms and turns to face me, eyes wide. "I'm so sorry, Car, it just-"
"She's okay with it!" Shaughna says, not able to contain herself. That girl is firecracker. She's also a little buzzed from drinking most of the champagne herself since I didn't want to be drunk before arriving to the party.
"Really?" Dshawn grins and puts his arm back around her.
It's strange to actually see the two of them together, but in a good way. I hope he likes her as much as he likes her. If this crashes down on Shaughna, I'm afraid she won't let her guard down again for years, just like last time.
A guy I vaguely remember from back in the day shows up with shots for all of us and I throw mine back, hissing at it burns down my esophagus. Dshawn laughs at me and downs his with ease. That guy can drink anyone under the table.
Someone turns up the stereo and everyone cheers, starting to dance like crazy. I'm not buzzed enough to go completely crazy, but I sway to the music and watch the others jump around in a frenzy. Shaughna and Dshawn share a cute little kiss, probably not wanting to get into it with me watching. Honestly, I truly don't care. I know that not that long ago I was in bed with him, but there truly isn't a single body part that still wants Dshawn in any way, shape or form. He's my friend and I'd like him to stay my friend. That's it.
We dance for over an hour and with people bringing me shots, I do end up with a nice buzz. I know how to pace myself and I'm the only one here who drinks water now and then to stay hydrated, but I do feel rather tipsy after a while. Not that anyone is going to notice while they're all drunk or high or both. I head outside for a little bit and talk to some old college friends.
When I check my phone, I see that it's almost midnight. The New Year will start in about ten minutes and here I am, outside of a party. I'm having fun and it's a great night, but I would much rather be with Nathan, snuggled against him on the couch.
I don't have any missed calls and that hurts. No messages either. Soon doesn't mean shit, apparently. I grunt and head back in, not wanting to be out on the street when the ball drops. We all count down together, holding up our glasses and cheering when it's midnight. There's a drunk guy who wants to stick his tongue down my throat very much, but I push him off the moment he grabs me, not in the mood for this tonight. I don't need to kiss anyone at midnight.
I know I'm weak for doing it, but I look back down at my phone and see that I have a message from Nathan.
Come outside.
I frown and tap Shaughna's shoulder. She breaks away from Dshawn for a moment and smirks when she sees the message. She winks at me and gives me a shove toward the door. Part of me knows that this message can only mean one thing, but I find it hard to believe that Nathan would be here. He lives three hours from here, he's got a kid to take care of and an ex-wife in shambles. Besides, this is definitely not his scene. Why the hell would he be here?