SCHOOL STARTING UP again after winter break was a nonevent. The cold of December had turned into rain in January, and I found myself soaking wet before I even made it into the school.
Sebastian and I hadn't spoken since that day with his parents, nearly a whole week ago. He wasn't at school since we'd returned on Monday and I couldn't help but be worried for him. My subconscious kept reminding me that's that's exactly what he broke up with me for: caring too much.
"Where is Ash?" Robyn asked as she swallowed a sip from Devin's thermos of hot chocolate.
We were sitting in the cafeteria at Sebastian's signature table. I knew he hadn't told anyone else about what happened between us and I certainly didn't want to rehash all the details to my only friends.
"'Dunno," Hunter mumbles, resting an arm around my shoulders. "He's known to go off the grid, though. Braylen, do you know where he is?"
I take a deep breath, trying to ignore Devin's eyes boring into me. Did he know? "I'm not sure. It's not like I'm his babysitter, or something."
Everyone's expressions change and I grab my backpack quickly, storming out of the cafeteria before they can ask questions or I can cry, or something.
€
I go to classes and take diligent notes, but I might as well have been asleep for what I retained. The week passes by until Friday finally hits and the empty hole in my chest has taken over my entire body.
Sebastian hasn't returned to school yet.
I'm walking out of school to find my bike; Robyn had already left without me. We weren't fighting exactly, but I knew she was angry with me for not opening up to her and shutting her out. I didn't mind riding alone too much anyways.
I unhook the lock on my bike when I hear the sound of soft laughter. It's coming from the wall opposite the bike racks, down a short alleyway.
I lock my bike back up and follow the noises, sticking my hands into my pockets. The sound leads me to a corner where I find a group of kids smoking pot, huddled together to keep warm. They laugh again as their eyes take me in. "Braylen Adams," Cora says, stepping out from behind a boy. She walks up to me, all swagger. "Haven't seen you since the waltz practice. What's up?"
I blush and weigh my options. The empty part of my heart aches. "I'm here to smoke," I say with about as much conviction as I can manage.
Cora grins and the rest of the people cheer loudly. "Nice to see we're corrupting you, Adams," a boy named Jackson says. He walks up to me and hands me the blunt he'd been using. I look at him and then Cora before I glance back at the thing. Then, I bring it to my lips and inhale the smoke, blowing it out a second later. "You're pretty good at that."
I smile softly, wishing for my brain to shut off already. "Thought everyone hated you. For being..."
"Gay?" she whispers back, eyes twinkling. "These guys will do anything for a good supply. That's me. Fake friends in exchange for pot. Good deal, no?"
She takes a hit and then hands it back to me. "Doesn't sound like it," I mumble and then inhale the thing again. I can feel it's effects now, numbing my entire body.
"Yeah, well. I'm not sure I value the opinion of the guy hooking up with Sebastian Grey," she retorts.
I balk, nearly dropping the blunt. "W-what?" I stammer. My brain suddenly felt too fuzzy. Why did I even come over here?
"Relax. Nobody else knows. I'm just not an idiot, Braylen," she responds. "Well. Is he any good?"
I swallow hard, looking away from her. "How did you know?"
Cora chuckles. "You could hardly keep your eyes off of him when we danced. You two haven't pranked each other since senior year started and he practically looks at you like you're heaven on earth. Like I said, I'm not an idiot."
"You can't tell anybody," I whisper. She crosses me and leans against the wall, running a hand through her cropped hair. "I'm not out, Cora. I don't even know what I am. Please."
"Relax," she mumbles. "I wouldn't do that to you. I told you. I like you. You remind me of me."
I raise an eyebrow and walk over to her, handing her the blunt. "How?" Cora's eyes twinkle as she takes another hit from it, chuckling humorlessly.
She blows out the smoke near my face and I resist the urge to run away from the devastatingly familiar scent. "You and me. Always falling for the people that are the 100% wrong for us."
I bite my lip, wanting to argue but knowing that our relationship wasn't strong enough at this point to do so. "Who is it for you?"
Cora sighs. "Remember the day we waltzed? You were looking at Sebastian and I was trying my hardest not to look at—"
"Nyla," I finish, the bubbly girl Sebastian had asked to dance that very same day coming to mine. "Why's she wrong for you?" I ask, words starting to slur a bit. I take another hit anyways.
Cora shrugs her shoulders. "She's straight, I'm obviously not. And even if she was like me...we wouldn't work. She's too good for me. I'd break her heart."
"What's with that?" I hiss, glaring at her. "You a-and him thinking that people like Nyla and I are just so destructible. That we're so breakable that you guys need to run far away from us before we care too much. It's bull."
Cora shakes her head. "You don't get it."
"No, I don't. If you love somebody why would you ever run away?"
She looks over at me, eyes glossing over. "I don't know you and Sebastian's situation but I know that boy cares about you, Braylen. I don't think he's pushing you away because he doesn't love you. I think he's pushing you away because he does."
I don't have anything to say after that and she doesn't try to force words out of me. Instead we watch the group of high kids stumble over themselves, laughing and smiling without a care in the world. I felt my mind becoming foggier and foggier until I was laughing along with the group. Sebastian was still eating away at my brain, but I couldn't be bothered to care anymore.
"Yo, who is that?" Richie, a boy with long hair and too many piercings asks. We all follow his gaze to the figure walking toward us, clearly furious.
I laugh again, waving my hand. "Heyo!"
Devin appears in front of me, face confused and slightly angry. "What are you doing?"
I shrug, reaching over to grab the blunt from Jackson. I take a hit and Devin sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Unbelievable," he mumbles. "I gotta babysit you, too? Come on."
He grabs my forearm causing me to drop the marijuana onto the ground. The group groans at the sight and I join them after a second long pause. "Oh, shut up," Devin hisses. "Adams, let's go."
I bring my hand up in mock salute. "Sir, yes, sir."
Devin sighs and loops an arm around my waist, supporting me as we walk. "I thought you didn't do stuff like this," he says, looking down at me. "You're supposed to be the responsible one."
I chuckle. "It's my day off."
Pretty soon I feel Devin's hands pulling me into his car, strapping up my seatbelt. I grab his wrist, frowning. "Wait, my bike."
"One problem at a time, Braylen," he mumbles. "You can pick it up tomorrow."
"Why did you walk over there to get me?" I ask as he climbs into the drivers seat, quickly pulling out of school.
"I'm all for a smoke once in a while, but seriously? Getting high right outside of school? You're not like them, Braylen. You're better than that." He looks over at my annoyed expression and takes a deep breath. "I know those kids; they're dangerous, okay? I'm just trying to protect you."
"You know, I'm really tired of people trying to protect me!" I shout, silencing Devin.
He looks over at me, eyes wide. "What's going on? You're being weird and Sebastian's MIA. Are you two okay?"
I bite my bottom lip as I feel all the emotions I'd worked so hard to suppress creep back up on me. "We broke up, Devin."
"What? Why?" Devin asks.
"He's trying to keep me safe." I say the words like they taste bad coming out of my mouth. "That's what he claims, anyways. I think he's just freaked because I told him I loved him."
"And he didn't say it back," Devin says matter of factly. It wasn't even a question. I nod once. "So what? You're trying to prove a point by doing this that he can't control you?"
I wince at the harshness in his tone. "No, I just—I think about him all the time, Devin. For one day, for one minute, I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to stop hurting, stop thinking, stop loving him."
Devin looks over at me again. "How'd that work out for you?" he asks.
I sigh deeply as Devin pulls up in front of my house, parking in my driveway. "Thanks for the ride," I mumble, going to open the door.
"Listen," he starts and I turn back to look at him. "Sebastian loves you."
I raise an eyebrow. "He said that?"
"He didn't have to," Devin counters. He licks his lips once, glancing around. "Do you know what happened to his father?"
I make a gesture with my hands. "Sebastian mentioned he committed suicide once. He doesn't talk about him too much."
"Ash is the one who found him," Devin murmurs. "Combination of alcohol and drugs and a letter. Telling him how much he loved him and how he just couldn't get away from the demons that followed him around. He was six."
My face contorts. "That's awful."
"Sebastian has spent eleven years mad at his dad, mad at the world," Devin continues. "He thought what his dad did was selfish. That he couldn't have really loved him if he left him so easily. But what Sebastian hasn't realized yet is that there was nothing easy about leaving him behind. There was nothing easy about Ash leaving you."
I shake my head, trying to think clearly. "He doesn't believe in love, Devin. He told me so before we even started dating."
"Everybody believes in something, Braylen," Devin argues softly. "Even if he doesn't believe in love, he believes in you."
I swallow hard. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Devin asks. He looks confused.
I chuckle softly. "For making you pick me up. And for all of the things I've thought about you. I was wrong. You're a good friend to Sebastian. I think you always have been."
Devin shrugs. "I'm not perfect. Neither is he."
I smile softly at him and mumble a goodbye. I grab my backpack and keys and rush to the door, hoping the smell of weed on me wouldn't be too strong.
When I push open the door, my jaw immediately drops.
A boy, no older than me, stands up from the couch with a wary smile. Oba is tense beside him, both of them drinking from cups of tea. He has cropped black hair and deep brown eyes and seems to be an athlete, based on his build.
"Hi," the boy breathes, gripping his mug tightly in his hand. "I, um, didn't know when you'd be home."
I can only stare at the boy who'd seemed to have jumped out of pictures, out of Instagram and Facebook accounts I'd stalked in the middle of the night. He chuckles uncomfortably.
"Sorry. I think introductions are in order, yeah?" he asks, laughing again.
The boy walks up to me, holding out his right hand.
"I'm Hiro. It's amazing to finally meet you, brother."