"She said what!" I scream loudly. I don't even give a fuck who hears me. I cannot believe what I'm hearing now.
"Yeah, so as you can probably tell, Tessa's not too happy about it." Nora rolls her eyes. Looks like she's mad at me.
"That little bitch." I thrash my body around, but all I get is sharp pain in my stomach.
"Well, is it true?" Kim asks with an attitude. Fuck, she's pissed at me too.
"Of course not! I would never cheat on Tessa with that fucking whore, or anyone. Are you kidding me!?"
Kim and Nora don't seem to believe what I'm saying.
"Tessa knows that, but what she was more upset about was the fact that you told this random woman everything about your personal lives."
"I didn't!" I yell, but then think back to those nights I would spend talking with her. Did I ever tell her personal shit? I told her about my fucked up family, and all my problems about Tessa, but that's already public knowledge.
"Then how did she know, Hardin!?" Kim throws her hands in my air, getting more angry by the second, but so am I.
"I wrote a book about it! Everyone knows!" I yell, and that causes them both to slink back. "Did you ever consider that?"
"Oh..." Nora looks embarrassed that she didn't think about that.
"She knew about stuff you didn't write in your book... well, I think she did."
"You two are really fucking unbelieveable. You let Tessa stand there and listen to the bullshit spewing out of Lucy's mouth!?"
"Hey!" Kim widens her eyes to me. "That doesn't mean you're entirely innocent here! Did you complain to her about Tessa?"
I peel my eyes away from their intense stares.
"Answer the fucking question, Hardin. Lucy said you were getting really annoyed and impatient with Tessa with all the pregnancy issues, plus her not wanting to get married." Nora chimes in.
"No, no I didn't..." Did I? I don't even remember.
"Really? During the entire time that you two have been together in the past four years, you never once said a bad thing about Tessa to this Lucy girl?"
"No." I respond again.
"You weren't frustrated with her refusal to marry you, plus all the failed attempts at getting pregnant? Something didn't slip? You didn't crack?" Nora's eyes are piercing my soul right now, and I can tell she can see how nervous I'm growing.
"I don't remember, honestly..."
"I know you do, Hardin. What the fuck!" Kim smacks my arm, and I wince in pain.
"Ow! I'm in a hospital you fucking psycho!" I scold Kim for hitting me while I am lying in an immense amount of pain from this surgery.
"You talked shit about Tessa!" She yells back, not feeling any remorse for the pain she just caused me.
"I don't know! Maybe I did!" I admit, and they nod, obviously not surprised.
I really don't know for sure, but I do remember one time I was venting to Lucy about how Tessa couldn't get pregnant. I said some things I didn't mean, but at the time I thought that it would've stayed between the two of us.
"You're an asshole." Nora shakes her head. "Tessa has never once said a bad word about you since you came back into her life. She is always so quick to defend you, yet you were talking shit about her with another woman! I'm surprised she even spoke to you just now."
"Would you relax? It wasn't like that. Lucy was gay, first of all... well, bisexual, but at the time I thought she was gay, and second, she listened to me and I just couldn't help myself but to spill all of my doubts to her-"
"Oh my god!" Kim places her head in her hands. "And what? Does Tessa not listen to you? She always would call me, pleading to ask Christian if you told him anything since you never told her jack shit! Yet, you spill your spineless guts to a woman you knew for a month."
Kim and Nora are much more upset about this than I would've imagined. It's not even that bad; they're completely overreacting and getting Tessa riled up over this for no reason.
"I never said anything bad about Tessa, I just... I just explained some of my feelings, that's all."
"You couldn't talk to your girlfriend about it? You just lied to her about how okay you were with everything?" What Nora says snaps my heart in half.
I lied to Tessa, fucking time and time again about my true feelings towards everything. I told her I was okay with not marrying her when I wasn't. I told her I wasn't worried about her getting pregnant when I was.
"I get it okay? This was years ago. I fucked up, but I didn't say anything bad about Tessa, really. I would never."
It's true. I would never say anything bad about Tessa behind her back. I would never call her names or say awful things about her like Nora and Kim are claiming, not anymore... not like I used too.
"I don't know, Hardin... Tessa just isn't happy about it. She's hurt, more hurt than I have seen her in a while." Nora continues to shake her head at me.
I lay my head against the pillow and close my eyes. "Fuck."
"You have to fix this. You two were supposed to be getting married tomorrow, and now this comes out-" Kim crosses her arms over her chest.
"You don't think..." Tears immediately spring to my eyes. "You don't think she'll call off the wedding, do you?"
Silence lurks between them, and I have my answer.
"Shit." I put my hand over my eyes to conceal my tears.
"I don't know what she's gonna do." Nora tells me, honestly.
"We're gonna go now, but you should just think about everything." Kim gestures to Nora to stand up, and they both walk out of the room.
"Oh, here's your phone." Nora tosses it onto my bed. "I wouldn't call her, she won't pick up."
And just like that, I am left alone with my guilt. I didn't even do anything awful. They are blowing it way out of context! I will kill Nora and Kim if they cause Tessa to call off the wedding.
No, Hardin... Take accountability for your own actions.
I am trying to remember that night when Tessa came back to me with yet another negative pregnancy test. She was so upset, but I told her we'll keep trying, and to have faith. Though, that night when I had my AA meeting, I wasn't in the best mood, and Lucy noticed.
-
"What stick is up your ass?" Lucy walked up to me as I was grabbing some coffee. We usually got a ten minute break in the hour long group therapy session we have.
"What?"
"You seem like you're in a mood, Scott. Do you want to talk about it?" She offered, but I shook my head. "Well, I am having some major girlfriend issues. Monica won't answer my calls. I don't think she believes that I actually go to therapy. She thinks I'm out here getting drunk and high twice a week. She always assumes the worst of me... I don't think she trusts me."
"Yeah, I understand that feeling..." I whispered to myself, but Lucy overheard me.
"What? Tessa assumes the worst of you too?"
"Sometimes..." I honestly admitted, and moved to sit down at the small tables they had in the back. Lucy joined me.
"It's infuriating isn't it? Doing everything right for once, but still not getting recognition for your progress." Lucy asked.
"It can be." I don't know why I said that. Tessa praised me all the time for my good behavior.
"I just feel like the universe it out to get me. Like somehow all the bad shit I have done in my life is still coming back to get me, even though I am trying so hard to move past it."
"The universe definitely isn't on my side..." Tessa's pregnancy issues are a result of that.
"How so?" She questioned.
"Tessa's pregnancy test came back negative, again, today. I guess that's why I'm in such a shitty fucking mood."
"Wow, that must suck. I'm sorry..." Lucy touched my arm in a kind gesture, but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I moved my arm out of her grasp in a non chalant manner. "It must be really fucking annoying, you know? Wanting something so bad, but knowing the only thing stopping you from getting it is someone you love."
"I just want it for the both of us. I know she wants it just as badly, or even more than I do." I picked at the cheap tablecloth on the small table.
"I admire your patience with her. If I had gone months of trying to have a baby with someone and they couldn't, I would seriously lose my mind."
"I would hardly say I'm fucking patient..." I shook my head. I was the most impatient son of a bitch on this planet.
"Well, you must be if you put up with it."
I knew I should be saying something to her about talking about Tessa like that, but I couldn't help but internally agree. I feel like an awful person doing so, but I can't help it.
"I am trying so hard to have faith that she can do it, that she can have a baby, but I'm.... I'm just not sure anymore."
'I cannot believe I just said that out loud.' I thought to myself.
"Woah..." Lucy didn't expect that to come out of my mouth either.
"I love her. God, I love her so much, but sometimes I just wish that she could carry a child. It would save us so much heartbreak, and each time it comes back negative, the small sliver of hope that I am grasping onto gets thinner and smaller."
I never said any of these thoughts out loud, and I didn't know why I was telling them to Lucy, who I had only known for a month.
"I understand. It must be extremely frustrating."
"She won't have a child with me, she won't marry me... I don't know what she wants anymore."
'Hardin, stop talking!' My inner conscience yells in my face.
"She won't marry you? Why not?"
I explained to her everything that night. All of the England trouble with Tessa, us spending two years apart, the revelation about her parents, and how all of that had an influence on her standpoint on marriage.
"I mean, if she really loved you, why wouldn't she want to marry you? All of those just seem like excuses."
Lucy was voicing all of my fears when it came to Tessa. Why didn't she want to marry me? Were those reasons all just excuses?
"She does love me though, just not enough to marry me I guess..." My sour mood only worsened.
"Does it make you mad?" She smirked.
"What?"
"That she won't marry you?"
"Yeah, it does... not as much as it should though, but I just want it so bad. I don't know why she's so stubborn about it, it really pisses me-" I stopped myself from saying more. "I just shouldn't discuss it."
"I'm sorry, Hardin. You deserve someone to marry you and love you just as much as Tessa does." She smiled, and I felt a little better saying these things out loud. I knew I could never tell Tessa I was having these doubts, so I guess Lucy did the job.
-
I never said anything too bad, but I also didn't say anything positive either. Fuck.
My phone buzzes on the bed, and I have hundreds of texts and phone calls, all of them mainly from Landon.
Oh shit.
I just realized that fucking Josie is here for our wedding tomorrow, but since now that's not happening, I wonder what the fuck I'm gonna do. Maybe she can stay until after Christmas? Maybe I can invite her to Christmas dinner? Would that be weird?
Of course it would be, you dumb shit. Having Tessa and Josie in the same room during Christmas would be extremely awkward, since I've had some sort of sexual experience with both of them. I can't tell Tessa about that, especially now that she's pissed at me about the whole Lucy thing. That phrase seems to be embedded in my vocabulary: I can't tell Tessa. I think that's the fucking issue here.
But maybe this is what she needs, a positive surprise from me. Maybe if she sees my effort to do something nice for her, she can see that Lucy was just word vomiting to her.
I pick up my phone, and dial Josie, and begin explaining my dilemma.