Inej sighed remembering her friend who maybe is somewhere far in snow and cold. Suddenly memories of both good and bad came. She smiled before saying,
"No one can replace her. Though she is cute. She reminds me of myself that's why I was determined to take her but now... Any way you want to meet the others or want to rest for while?"
"I don't need nor want to rest," Kaz grumbled, his eyes stalking over the group of people. "Why do you want me to meet all of them, anyway?" He asked, lowering his voice.
"You don't want but you surely do need. I bet rough roof doesn't come under one the comfortable places to sleep on."
Kaz's eyes narrowed. "I'm fine." He stated. Sleeping wasn't something high on his to-do list. Not when he could still do something to help, to get Jesper back.
Shaking her head at his stubbornness, Inej thought about what to say. She understood his doubts and worry about Jesper's well being but there practically isn't anything they can do at the moment and neither can she knock him out and drag him to the room.
"So what? You are going to stand here? At least sit down somewhere. You need the energy at the right time." With that that she turned in the direction of her cabin and started walking.
Kaz rolled his eyes, muttered that standing did not take energy, and limped after Inej. He still needed to tell her about the assassins, it was the least he could do.
Despite what the sisters had said, it almost felt too close together to be a coincidence. And if they were working for Donahue, then Inej especially needed to know.
As they entered her cabin, Inej waited for Kaz to enter before locking the door. Her cabin was just a small room with a couch in one corner, a working table, chair. An old lamp and few big brown trunks stacked one over another.
It wasn't familiar or comforting like one of the rooms in the Slat, but it was enough for a few days' stay. She didn't know what to say or ask so she stood there waiting for him to say anything.
Kaz settled himself in the corner of the couch, there wasn't any place to prop up his bad leg, but the ache had started to dull again.
"I apprehended two girls, they were 'crow watching'" Kaz says with a tone of bitterness before casting his gaze to Inej. "My spider heard them planning to assassinate you. Just how many people did you cross in those six months?"
Inej thought about what Kaz said, two girls. She couldn't remember coming across any girls. There were mainly merchants and bands of thugs working for something to line their pockets. "I came across three ships in past six months."
She thought more before saying, "While the last one didn't include killing, the first two got bloody. I lost a few of my men too but the number of lost lives was higher on their side"
Kaz ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh. "My guess is it's a revenge story. One sister gathered information, the other did the killing. Had a calling card and everything, Jinx. She's dead now, the other is still locked up, though I doubt she'll stay that way." Kaz turned his attention to his gloves, pulling at the edges of the dark leather on his fingers.
"Dead?" Even after years of fighting and struggling she still finds it difficult to adjust to the fact.
"I can't say revenge for what, maybe for one of the family members or close friends." She thought harder trying to remember about but they could be anyone, anywhere. She looked at Kaz and said, "Every time you face trouble because of me."
"Don't flatter yourself, Wraith, I do have my own enemies." he said, with a cheeky grin, but it quickly disappeared from his face as he became contemplative. "Besides, any enemy of yours is an enemy of mine. Nothings changed that." He keeps his voice low, and he flexed his hand holding onto his cane, his eyes remaining locked onto Inej.
Inej heard his reassurance, his words repeating inside her head again and again, "I know but... but I don't want you to face difficulty all the time. I felt so helpless when the ship was burning. I felt like everything was going to be burnt down and maybe it would have if it's not for the crew and... Caden"
Kaz tilted his head. "First of all, Inej, I am a cripple and a Barrel Boss. I'll always be facing difficulty. Secondly, What about Caden?" He asked, voice low.
"He... I'm not sure, he did something or came at the right moment and suddenly fire became weak and the air felt thinner and I... I lost consciousness after that."
Kaz hummed. "So, he's a Grisha?" And a knight in shining armor, Kaz thought bitterly. He couldn't quite keep the disdain from his voice though.
"I'm not sure," Inej replied though she had the slightest memory but preferred not to say a wrong statement. "But he helped a lot. Having him was really a gift."
"I'm sure." Kaz rasped, "Your saints must have sent you the perfect miracle incarnate." He huffed, pushing himself to his feet. He didn't think it would end well to sit around and discuss Caden any longer.
"Kaz, wait." The sudden change in voice took Inej off guard. She had the feeling that something happened but what, "what happened?" She asked taking a step towards him
"I don't know what you mean," Kaz said, guarded and tense, his eyes were on the door though, he didn't think he could handle meeting Inej's gaze.
"Look at me, Kaz. Something is troubling you, I can see that but what?" Inej didn't take her gaze away from him, she took another step forward and reached for his hand, "talk to me." Inej whispered softly.
Kaz let out a small growl, it wasn't so simple. He flexed his gloved hand, forcing himself to look at Inej, at her outstretched hand. "I don't know what you want of me, anymore..." he hissed, he wasn't angry at her, not really, but he felt foolish for his jealousy, but how could he know.
"What we even are. I can't tell anymore and it's driving me insane. I mean, were you even going to come back, if you had sailed out?" He started pacing, unable to stop talking now. All the thoughts and words and frustrated feelings coming out in a ball of confused anger and wrong words.
"I'd think if... it things had changed you'd tell me... but I don't know. And Caden..." he seethed, shaking his head.
"It shouldn't even matter... Jesper is gone and I have to go tell Wylan something..." he sighed, walking back over to the couch and sitting down. He put his head in his hands, closing his eyes as he returned to a calmer state. Maybe he did need to sleep.
Inej was listening to him, watched him patiently, waiting for him to say about what's troubling him until he said, 'I don't know what we are?' Does she know what they are? Is she ready to accept what they might be?
Her own mind started asking questions and then his doubts, his fears. It was clear as to how much Jesper's kidnapping affected him. Is that how he was when she got kidnapped, not even once but twice.
It wasn't like Kaz to fall weak. He was supposed to be the strong rock, standing unaffected in the center of powerful waves. But was he breaking like this all the while she was tied up to a chair?
Her own emotions took over so strongly. She didn't think twice before going towards him and kissing him softly.
Kaz froze in place, shocked still. He looked at Inej, his heart hammering in his chest as he slowly came to comprehend what she had just done. "Inej..." he spoke her name softly, just her name. It was enough to calm him, her presence, her warmth.
Pulling him away from the waves and the madness of his thoughts. His gloveless hands gently reached for her. Linking their fingers together. "Are you ok?" He breathed in a whisper, afraid she was vanishing from him. "..talk to me," he asked, voice gentle despite his rasp.
"I'll always come back, Kaz. No matter how far I go and no matter what will happen, I'll come back for as long as you want me to." She looked down, pulling her fingers away from him. If this comfort isn't something that he wants it to be then she'll not let herself get used to it.
"And if you don't... Then I'll forget ketterdam and leave... " She stood up and turned around, she needed to say this but she wasn't able to. She swallowed before saying, "once and for all."
"You greatly underestimate my wants if you think that's a plausible scenario." He says a little lost as Inej spoke of coming closer yet walked away from him. He remained sitting, watching Inej closely.
Inej turned around still unsure of what he said. She stared at him with narrowed eyes as if trying to catch the unsaid words, then looked away. "You.. nothing. There's nothing with Caden if that's what you thought earlier."
Kaz relaxed a little, leaning back where he was sitting. "I'm... sorry. You aren't mine and I didn't mean to insinuate..." he sighed.
"It had been six months, we had barely spoken, and when you showed up... You told me you were leaving, and you brought Caden with you. I couldn't understand why you needed him there. I know he cares for you, and no one could deserve you... but I know he's less broken, and you trust him. I just didn't want to lose you..." he said quickly, averting his gaze as he spoke.
"I'm not prepared for what that's going to be like, Inej. I just wanted some warning, some time to piece back my armor so it will hurt less." Kaz turns his gaze back to Inej. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
"He may be less broken but he's not who I want to be with." She said quietly, still not looking up at him. "You told me to leave, you talk rudely. You act like you don't care and then you say you aren't trying to hurt me. It's all so confusing, you say you aren't wearing the armor, and then you... pushed me back when I kissed you"
Kaz stood up, leaving his cane behind as he limped to just in front of Inej. "I am sorry." He said lowly. One of his hands came to Inej's, gently wrapping around her own.
"I've spent so long believing that if I kept everyone out if I acted like I didn't care, no one would target the people I cared about. I've gotten rather good at it." He gently squeezed her hand. "I am trying to change, but I'm not going to be able to do this perfectly, or on the first try. I need you to be patient with me."
He brought his free hand up, very gently tilting her head to look at him. "As for the kiss... I'd like to try again... if you'll allow?" He was hesitant, his soft fingers shaking ever so slightly as he dropped his hand from her jaw where he had tilted her face up to him.
This time not as impulsive as before she slowly moved closer towards him. She wanted to say so much that she never wished for anything perfect, never wanted him to change completely but this time it felt like her actions will be louder than words. So she stood on her toes, wrapped her arms around his neck, and went towards his lips.
Kaz leaned down to meet her halfway, he gently touched their foreheads together before he shut his eyes and tilted his head, kissing her softly. His mouth moved slowly against hers, his free hand coming up and cradling the back of her head, fingers combing through her dark hair. He was slow, patient, in no rush with her.
He wasn't fully relaxed either, he was alert to her warmth, her scent, her essence. Fearing of losing himself, losing her. He took note that she was with him, not fading away.
Being so close wasn't something easy for Inej. She could hear his heart beating, their beats as if in sync were moving with the same pace. The feel on his lips on her, the warmth of his hand holding her, everything felt like something she never experienced before.
She wished to be like that forever. To always be this close to him but her own fears were taking over. As his hands went from her hair to her neck something snapped inside her, she wanted to stay there, to stay with him and enjoy the moment but all she could think about was her days at Menagerie.
One moment she was melting under his touch, the next moment her mind was showing flashbacks of the past. Her breathing quickened as she tried to stay calm.
Kaz was thankful for his attentiveness as soon as he caught her change in breathing. He pulled back, remaining in the circle of her arms. "Inej..." he said in a low rasp, voice hoarse and raw.
"Are you okay?" His hands lifted from where they touched her skin, hovering just above her skin.
Is she? Inej asked herself. Not wanting to finish the moment she just nodded looking down at her feet. You can do this, Inej she told herself
"Can I have that in words?" He said with slight amusement. He understood there was a need, a need to be close to Inej. To not let this go, but he too wasn't fully there. Waves crashed in his ears, he felt cold and too hot at the same time, in brief moments her skin felt cold before he recognized her warmth again.
He felt it would taint this more, to push too far and hurt, then stop while they were ahead. But if they always stopped... Kaz feared they would never go anywhere. These things took time, but time was limited and short. A finicky thing that couldn't be counted upon. But it would be worse to hurt inej. It was all he had ever done, but he didn't want to hurt her. Never again.
Inej looked up, she could do this. It wasn't someone else. It was Kaz, her Kaz, and there wasn't anything to be worried about. Then why? "I'm fine Kaz" She murmured. She looked at his hands around her making sure it was real. He was really standing in front of her, holding her. She looked back at him, staring deep into his eyes, "Are you okay?"
Kaz pondered before answering. "I'm alright," he swallowed, taking a deep breath. "It's just... it's not easy." Kaz said, with a half-smile. His eyes were dilated, but distant. A part of his focus forced upon the past, keeping it at bay.
"No, it's not." Inej said agreeing. But they were trying and that meant a lot to her. As much as she wanted to forever stand there. They had another task in hand. "We need to do something."
"Hm?" Kaz pulled back from her a little, tilting his head in question. "And what would that be?"
"Donahue can do anything." Inej said but this time she wasn't uneasy remembering whatever that happened. As if Kaz's presence just filled her with confidence and strength.
Still, they shouldn't underestimate Donahue, he could go up to any level to get what he wants and she wouldn't allow him to use Jesper as bait. "We.. maybe we should go back to the Slat now that the situation here isn't as bad as I feared."
Kaz hummed in agreement, pulling away from Inej entirely as he turned to go back for his cane. "I have some documents on Donahue there, nothing as extensive as I would like. I might have missed something in my initial glance over his file."
"Okay, I'll just go and inform Caden and after then we can leave." Inej said as she composed herself and moved towards the door.
Before opening it and stepping out she turned once again and said, "Thank you, for dropping your armor."
Kaz flustered, he didn't blush, but the embarrassment was clear in the way he held himself, the slight jump he gave, the aversion of his eyes.
When was the last time he'd been thanked by anyone? He couldn't remember. He nodded, quickly grappling to get his composure back.
"I'll be outside the safe house," he said, clearing his throat and limping out of the building.