Trigger Warning: Anxiety, PTSD, Panic Attack
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"No!"
I sat up quickly, breathing rapidly and unsteady. A thin layer of sweat coated my body. I gulped down the sob that threatened to leave my lips.
I let out a shaky breath as I tried to calm down.
I soft cry left my mouth as I wrapped my arms around me, trying to remove the memory from my head. I whipped the hot blankets off of me and hugged my legs close to my chest.
"Hope..." I closed my eyes and put my head on my knees, not wanting to look at Bucky.
My shoulders shook as I cried quietly. I felt the bed dip. I moved away from Bucky's stretched out hand. He backed away, knowing I need space.
I felt my body over heating. My skin was glowing blue, my eyes burned even though they were closed.
"I didn't want to do it. I didn't know what I was doing. I was following orders. I didn't want to do it." I cried as I shook my head. "I don't want to remember. I want to forget it."
_
"No witnesses..." His deep voice mumbled in my ear as I stared at the scared family in front of me.
They saw us. They saw them kill him, and they can't get away.
I raised my hand a ball of blue mist appeared.
"Please! Don't do this!" The father plead in despair.
Justin Phillips.
"Daddy!" The little girl cried.
Lexi Phillips.
"I'm scared!" The smaller boys next to him cried.
Andrew Phillips.
"No witnesses." I repeated as I threw the balls of mist. Ignoring the pleas and screams.
_
I flinched as I rewatched the memory.
They made me kill so many. Men. Women. Children. Babies!
They gave me the missions that involved children. There was more than you'd think. We were the bad guys. They were the good people with innocent families.
I can't forget them, any of them. Every scream, every name, every mission, every kill. The sick praises I got for them. The ones they gave the man who made me into a machine.
I didn't realize Bucky's arms were wrapped around me. My arms are wrapped around him tightly, squeezing him as if he was about to disappear.
"They can't get to you anymore. We're safe now." Bucky whispered into my ear.
"I-It hurts..." I sobbed onto his chest.
The unbearable guilt clouding my mind, filling my body almost feels like being beaten till the brink of death... and I know what that feels like...
"I know... I know..." Bucky mumbled softly.
_
I stood in front of a woman.
Claire Richards.
A trail of dead bodies behind me as I stared at me target. She stared at me with utter and complete fear, having just watched me murder her 10 guards. Not counting the piles of bodies outside.
_
"Please, I'm sorry! Just take it! Just take it! Please let us go! I didn't mean to do it!"
Daniel Brushard.
I wasn't allowed to look at the man I was with, so I stared at his hand, waiting for the signal. Please don't be-.
Two fingers down. Kill.
I felt my eyes burn as I stared at the group of computer geniuses. They screamed.
Jasmine Wine.
Hillary Frisher.
Ken Clarke.
I would be punished if I fail. I can't be punished again.
_
"Hope! HOPE!" I let out a breath as I felt myself come out of my trance.
I realized I was now standing. Blue flames and mist surrounded my hands as I stood over a scared Bucky.
My eyes widened as I felt myself freeze. I stared onto Bucky's eyes. The same look I got from Daniel, Justin, Claire....
My magic disappeared as did the glowing of my skin.
I almost hurt him. I almost hurt Bucky.
I gasped as Bucky struggled to get up. I noticed a burn mark on his side.
I did hurt him.
I felt myself go cold. Completely cold. Something I haven't done in a long time.
"I'm okay, Hope. It's nothing. You didn't mean it. I'm okay." Bucky noticed my staring. I backed away from him.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeated as I ran a hand throughly hair.
I didn't mean to do it. I would never hurt Bucky. I would never do that! No!
"Hope..."
"I didn't mean-I'm sorry!"
"Hope, liste-."
"I scared you. I hurt you."
_
"You have failed!" A large hand came my way. A loud slap filled the room as my head whipped to the side. "You knew the consequences and yet you failed!"
_
"Hope!"
I dropped to the ground, my hands up.
"I'm sorry, I'll behave!" The words left my mouth before I could think.
That's exactly what I would do in HYDRA. Every time they... punished me...
Silence filled the room. Dead silence that scared me. I squeezed my eyes tight, preparing myself.
"Hope... I'm going to grab your hands now, okay?" I felt Bucky move closer to me.
Please help me Winny.
I didn't move from my position. On my knees, head down, hands up.
I felt him grab my hands gently. His hands were rough, yet gentle with mine. They're warmer than mine.
I felt his fingers wrap around my hands.
"Look at me." I slowly moved my head to make eye contact with him.
His brown eyes soft filled with understanding and love. They were glossy, holding in heartbroken tears. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I stared into his pain filled eyes.
"It's me, your Bucky." He smiled warmly at me. "I'm not going to hurt you. I wouldn't never willingly hurt you."
It felt as if my mind and body clicked into reality.
I let out a breath I was holding in. My body completely relaxed as I fell limp to my side.
Bucky say beside me, lifting me up and pulling my close to him. I laid my head on his leg, staring at the new hole in the wall. The room becoming blurry as the tears increased.
"It's so hard to move on, Bucky! Why can't they leave me alone!?" I was too tired to move a muscle. Bucky ran his hand over my cheek and through my hair soothingly.
"I don't think we can move on." Bucky admitted. I felt my chest tighten at the words. Not because I was surprised, but because I knew they were true.
"But we can get through it, together." Bucky whispered encouragingly. I stared at the hole in the wall, feeling absolute guilt and regret.
Together.
Bucky doesn't know what I've done. I can't tell him, not when he has his own demons. He has gone through so much more than me. I don't want him to carry mine.
My eyes found the small clock beside my bed.
4:29 a.m.
"Did I wake you?" I turn my body to lay on my back. Bucky's legs were straight giving me space to lay my head on his thigh. I looked up at him.
Bucky nodded. "Yeah, but it's alright. I'm happy I have advanced hearing. I am also glad I spent the night here."
"But you've been having trouble sleeping, wouldn't you want to stay sleep?" Bucky just smiled at my cluelessness.
"I know, but taking care of you is more important."
I took a deep breath. Bucky seemed in deep thoughtful as he stared ahead of him. I kept my gaze on him, scared that I'll go into a trance again.
"Please talk to me..." I mumbled, absolutely terrified of thinking about... those memories. "I don't want to think about it."
Bucky glanced down at me. His eyes softening even more as he looked at me. He gave me a knowing nod. When he gets like this, I usually sing to him.
I rarely ever have these... episodes. When I do, it has either been Dad or Bucky there with me. Lately it's been Bucky because of, well, it just being us here.
"Well... what do I talk about?" Bucky chuckled weakly. I shrugged and looked up at the brown ceiling.
"Or sing." I gave him a begging look. He looked down at me. "I don't want to think about—."
_
"Stop! Please!"
My screams went unheard as I felt pain everywhere in my body—
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"N-No..." I stuttered, curling up into a ball. I shook my head as I put my hands on my head. I felt myself shake slightly. "I-I can't fight it Buck—."
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"You are HYDRA."
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I felt a large hand on my back, rubbing it soothingly.
"Listen to my voice, Hope."
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"Failure!"
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"Hope, I'm right here. You're safe—."
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"Monster."
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"Hope, please... you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are not a monster. You are a hero."
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"Freak!"
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"You're an Avenger."
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"You could be more."
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"Hope!"
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"Prep her!"
_
"Smile, though your heart is aching..." Bucky's voice was soft and low as he sang quietly.
I gripped onto Bucky's pants as I squeezed my eyes tight.
"Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by." Bucky's deep voice captured my attention.
I listened carefully to his signing.
The memories and negative words slowly faded into whispers.
_
"Are you sure you're up for the Avengers Initiative?" Tony.
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"If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shinning through for you."
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"I love you kid." Tony.
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"Light up your face with gladness. Hide every trace of sadness."
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"You're my Hope." Bucky.
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"Although a tear may be ever so near."
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"You look ravishing in green." Loki.
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"That's the time you keep on trying. Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile."
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"Hope Marie Stark, you are the most strong, beautiful, loving, compassionate, and caring being I know." Loki.
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"What makes you happy?"
"Family... and maybe knowing I can help change the world, protect it. My powers may have been forced in me, but I learned to live with them and use them for good." Me.
_
"You are honestly one of my favourite people in the world." Peter P.
_
I opened my eyes and sat up. Bucky stopped his singing.
Bucky helped me sit up by holding my back. I was facing Bucky, sitting beside him.
Pain shot through my head.
"It hurts!" I cried to him. Bucky's face morphed onto sadness and pain. He pulled me close to him.
"My mind is so confused! It's fighting with itself! I want it to stop, Winny! Why won't it stop!?" I sobbed onto him. "It hurts!"
I felt Bucky's chest shake slightly. I looked at his face to see tears building up in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry I can't help you. I wish I could take you pain away. Please, Hope, don't cry. You're okay. You're with me. You're safe." Bucky said weakly.
Pain erupted in my head again.
I groaned in pain. My chest feels so tight. I'm struggling to breath right now. Shaky, shallow breaths were the best I could do.
I thought of the one thing I think would help me right now, the one person that help me through something almost as worse as this, just once.
Loki.
I need him.
Please, please Loki.
I thought the best I could, but a pain interrupted my thinking.
I tried again. I pushed my emotions towards him as a call for help. Please come.
"L-Loki..." I glanced up at Bucky. He stared down at me. "I need Loki."
I gripped onto Bucky as I pictured Loki, but it kept flickering due to the pain. It feels like my brain is splitting into two pieces, and my chest was about to burst.
"What's going on?! Where is she!?" Loki's concerned voice filled the room.
"Oh thank god!" Bucky exclaimed as Loki rushed over to us. "This is the worse I've seen her."
"Give her here." Bucky unwrapped his arm from me and allowed Loki to pick me up. I snuggled into Loki's chest, taking in his scent. My body warming up again at the touch of his body. I held onto him tightly, squeezing my eyes at the pain.
Loki placed me on my bed and sat in front of me.
"Hope, Darling, you are okay." Loki stared into my eyes. My chest loosened at the sight of his green orbs dancing with worry and concern. I missed him, so much.
"H-Hold me." I let out a shaky breath. My breathing still rigid.
"I got her." I heard Loki say.
"I'll be downstairs..." Bucky spoke slowly. I could feel his eyes on my as Loki wrapped his arms around me and I cuddled up against him.
Bucky walked out the door and closed it behind him.
I held onto the god of mischief, loving the chills I get from his touch. He caressed my hair and back slowly. Me head laid on his chest as we laid in the bed.
"Hope, can you tell me what's wrong?"
I shook my head quickly.
"Just hold me, please." My breathing slowing returning to normal. Loki just being here makes me feel at ease.
"As you wish my love." His deep voice whispered to me.
I cried quietly into Loki's chest, not knowing what to say. I just listened to Loki's heart beat. The rhythmic beat making me stay calm.