*Elizabeth*
As I drove home, I thought of the man I was foolishly in love with.
I thought of the flight back from Tokyo back when I gave him advice.
I've hated myself since. I gave him good advice! And I shouldn't have. What I said to him tonight is what he needed to hear all those months ago before I allowed him to get himself stuck in a loveless marriage.
Thinking about him had me thinking about the first time I met him.
*****
I walked into the Robinson Inc. building swaying my hips and crossing my feet just like my mother taught me. My hair laid perfectly on my shoulders and I wore a fake smirk that had all the men in the office gawking and the women frowning.
Yep! The beauty queen has arrived. I may only be nineteen, but I am definitely the most beautiful person here.
I've been the model for this company for a few months. I liked it. My manager—my mother—got me the job right when the position opened. At first I was nervous. Never before had I seen my face on billboards and websites. But here I was, the face of thee Robinson Incorporation. It's a small business but I have faith that it'll grow.
Once I climbed into the elevator, my facade disappeared. Even though I looked confident and happy about myself I really wasn't. I hate being a model. I hate not being able to eat what I want. I hate how I have to work out as much as I do everyday to keep this body going.
And I hate how I can't date. My manager is fully against it. She says for a woman to become successful in this world, she must stay away from all men. How can that be right? Can't a woman just be happy as a stay home mom with kids, waiting for her hardworking man to get home and shower her and their children in kisses?
When the elevator doors opened, I put my shoulders back and my chin up and carried on as the confident, beautiful, nineteen-year-old girl I was. I walked past all the desks with eyes on me straight to the office at the end of the great office room.
"Harry Robinson" read the plaque on the wooden door. I put on my best smile and opened the door. My smile immediately disappeared when I realized no one was in the office. I looked at my phone and wondered if I was too early for my meeting with the CEO of the company.
I decided to take a seat at one of the two chairs in front of the desk and wait.
Five minutes passed and my eyes were set on the open box of donuts on the desk. I tried to distract myself with the view outside the giant glass windows and the fact that the office I was in did not look like the proper size for a really powerful man. It was actually very small and quaint, and I guessed the desk was bought from IKEA.
Fifteen minutes passed and I was scarfing down a donut. No one to see me and tell me no, so why not? The sugar in my mouth was something that I'd been missing over the past few years. I ate another donut and by the time someone walked into the room I was caught red handed with my third donut.
The young man that walked in was tall but fat. His suit looked uncomfortable on him as it was obviously too tight. His dark hair was a greasy mess and he hadn't shaved in what looked like two days. His ears stuck out and he looked like sleep wasn't a luxury.
I immediately dropped the donut in the box and stood up, swinging my sticky hands behind my back.
We stared at each other for a few seconds until the man in front of me kindly smiled and gestured to the box of donuts.
"Don't let me stop you." He chuckled as he took a seat in the big chair at the desk.
"Are you Mr. Robinson?"
"I'm afraid I am." He had a british accent that was very rich and kind of hot. He was also very young, and I wondered how old the man was. "You must be Elizabeth Winston." I nodded and sat back down. "Oh, please, finish your donut. Better you do before I'm tempted to." He chuckled again and I allowed a small smile to creep up on my face.
I reached for a donut at the same time he did. When I touched his large hand I could have sworn I felt chills go through my arm and travel throughout the rest of my body.
I looked up at the man and got caught in his gorgeous brown and gold eyes.
I mentally slapped myself awake from daydreaming about some fat, rich man.
"I'm here because you wanted to discuss something?" He ate a donut and nodded as he opened his messy binder.
"I would like to invite you to accompany me at a banquet this weekend. You are the face of this company and I want to show you off." I blushed and he caught it. "I'm sorry. I'm not into these kinds of things and if my show person was a man I would be asking the same thing of him. Please, don't feel like I'm objectifying you in any sort of way." I shook my head and swallowed a bite before speaking.
"No worries, Mr. Robinson. I'm a model. I'm used to such requests." He smiled. He looked at the box and perked up a bushy eyebrow.
"It seems they keep you on strict diets." I shyly smiled.
"We're supposed to look beautiful." He nodded and looked back at his snacks. He then sighed and leaned back into his seat.
"Will you take them away from me?"
"Pardon?"
"I can't be eating all the time. I mean, look at me." He shook his head and I shyly smiled. "Any dieting tips?"
"Get those donuts out of your sight. An apple for breakfast, and coffee." He nodded.
"Noted." I was excused and left with the box. I gave the box to the first person I saw and left the office, licking the sweetness from my lips and fingers and smiling for real because I just met such a nice man. A man I couldn't get out of my mind.
Over the next few months I found myself drawn to Mr. Robinson. He was so mysterious. I was surprised he wasn't losing the heavy weight he bore being as much of a busy body as he was. Who can blame him for over eating? He was young and starting a company.
He would show up to the photo shoots of me to make sure everything was being advertised to his liking. I began to admire him. He was so focused on his goal. I noticed he was shy and sometimes he would stutter when he spoke fast.
Then one day, it happened. The day that would change my life there on out. Mr. Robinson was hiring a secretary. Everyone in the office knew that he was struggling. He put on more weight. The bags under his eyes thicker and darker. His desk messier and messier. It was the day of one of my photo shoots and Mr. Robinson was having a real fit over a product that he wasn't satisfied with. He glared at me but I realized he was thinking. He bore into my very soul and I felt my heart beat rise. The look he gave me was so handsome. His eyes looked older than they should have looked. His hair was messier today and his ears poked out like satellites that caught every sound around him. I prayed he couldn't hear my heart beat.
"Liza," he called me by my nickname, a nickname no one had ever given me. It was always Lizzy. But I felt heat rise to my neck and cheeks whenever he used it.
"Yes, sir?"
"Come here." I began to think I was in deep trouble and that he was going to fire me. I came up to him and he gestured for me to look at the photos with the products already cropped in. Mr. Robinson leaned close to me and his hot breath tickled my neck. The hairs on my arms rose and I wondered when the last time I was this close to a man was.
I gave a few pointers and Mr. Robinson groaned. The noise he made made me melt.
For the past few months I kept questioning myself why I felt so attracted to such a man. He wasn't handsome. He wasn't skinny. He wasn't organized. He wasn't clean. So why did I feel hot around him?
"Liza," he shook his head and smiled, "I have a proposition for you," I swallowed and physically pinched myself for allowing dirty thoughts to enter my mind. Not knowing why such thoughts ran through my mind, wasn't why I pinched myself. It was the fact that deep inside, I wanted to instantly agree to it.
"I want you to be my new secretary."
As the months went by, I struggled. My mother/manager was furious when I told her I was no longer going to model. The moment Mr. Robinson asked me to be his assistant, I immediately squealed 'yes.' They got a new girl and I was going to work everyday in a pantsuit or skirt. I had my own desk and everything outside of Mr. Robinson's office. But I spent most of my days in the office with him, taking notes and helping him get more organized.
After a year of being his secretary and growing and learning together, I was frustrated that he hadn't jumped my bones yet.
I really wanted him. Badly. I didn't care if he wasn't fit and handsome, he was kind and smart and such an inspiring man. I didn't think there was a thing wrong with him.
But there was. He had a drinking problem. I found this out one night when I got a call in the middle of my sleep.
"Lizzzzzahhhhh," he drew out. I immediately knew he was drunk.
"Mr. Robinson?" I tried to sound awake even though I'd only had three hours of sleep so far.
"I just ... I just need someone to come over, are you free?" It was the holiday season. Christmas was tomorrow. Mr. Robinson worked on the holiday. So I decided to as well. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with the man I had a crush on.
"Of course," This is it, I thought, tonight is going to be the night we'll both confess and we'll get together and tomorrow will be full of blushing and giggling! Don't freak out. You've been wanting this for over a year!
I drove to my boss's penthouse and knocked on his door. The door swung open and I caught Mr. Robinson red-faced with blood-shot eyes. He hiccuped and I blushed. He gestured me in and I swallowed telling myself not to worry if he tried to take advantage of me. I wanted him to.
He plopped down on his couch with a beer in his hand.
"Can I do anything for you, Mr. Robinson?" I asked as I stood close by him. He patted the spot next to him confidently, like he was making fun of life. I sat down wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and watched him chug a whole bottle of alcohol. I hated myself for feeling really attracted to him.
But I also payed attention to the pain that he was obviously going through. He wasn't perfect. He was hurt. And he was hurt badly. Maybe a girl broke up with him on Christmas or something. Maybe a relative died.
"My mother left me on this very day." He scoffed once he dropped the bottle on the ground. It cluttered onto the carpet and I watched it as he spoke. My boss told me about when he was only twelve and his mom just up and left him and his dad. He talked about how he soon began to gain weight as his dad pressured him to get into a good school and make something of himself. He's trying. He's trying so hard but he fears his tiny company won't become anything big.
Before I knew what I was doing, my hand placed itself on his round shoulder and he turned to me. "I'll help you, Mr. Robinson. You're going to become a millionaire and soon ... a billionaire. You'll become your own Donald Trump. I promise people will be intimidated by you. You'll have clients all over the world. Japan, England, Germany, Singapore. You'll show your dad that you did it. That you're doing it. And won't stop until you get it. You'll show your mom. You'll become one of the richest men in the world." Before I knew it, my boss's fat lips were on mine.
I cupped his chubby face and pulled him closer. The last time I kissed a boy was when I was sixteen. I felt inadequate but it felt like Mr. Robinson was a professional. He devoured my lips as he cupped my small neck and pulled me closer to him. I wanted him so badly. I slithered onto his thick legs and didn't mind the belly in front of him. He held tight to my hips as I snaked myself around him. I pleasured at finally running my fingers through his greasy, shaggy hair. He kissed at my neck and my collarbone and I moaned in delight. I buried my face into his hair as he pulled me closer and closer to him.
I gasped with glee as he sat up and took us to his messy bed. I noticed how much of a pig he was as I glanced around his apartment. He wasn't tidy, but I already knew that about him. He gently laid me down onto the bed then sauntered down beside me. I rolled on top of him and kissed at his neck as I undid his tight pants. His hands around me went slack and I realized he was asleep. I groaned then sighed then straightened myself up.
What to do.
I wasn't tired anymore. And I needed to get rid of my drive.
I cleaned up his apartment and got his clothes ready for tomorrow. Then I left.
Sadly, the next day, he smiled at me like any other day. He didn't remember the passionate kisses we exchanged in the dark or the personal conversation we shared.
I was heart-broken.
I was crying on the metal steps of the emergency staircase ignoring my duties. I was so upset. The man I had been pining after didn't remember anything last night. I got a call and answered it.
"Liza, where are you?"
"Coming, sir," I hung up before he could say another word. I went to his office after making sure I didn't look like I was crying.
"Yes, sir?" I asked in a professional way.
"I've decided." He said as he stared outside his window while standing in front of them.
"And that is?"
"I'm going on a diet."
"Why all of a sudden?" He turned around with red cheeks.
"I um ... I had a dream last night." I tensed.
"A dream?"
"Um ... yeah. Okay, you can't tell anyone. I'm telling you this as my closest friend!" Friend-zoned. I nodded. "I was with a girl but ... and ... she was really pretty." He looked into my eyes and looked away right away. Was I that pretty girl? "I wasn't happy with my body. If I am to get any girl's attention, I should work on this." He gestured to all of him and all I could do was shake my head and say in my mind, "Oh how wrong you are."
Over the next few years, Mr. Robinson was losing the weight in record time. His suits were getting bigger on him. His face was no longer round and squishy. His ears poked out even more and so did his Adam's apple. But he was still the man I met all those years ago.
He began wearing suspenders to keep his pants up. His belt sat on his hip bones and I worried that he reversed his eating disorder when it came to stress.
He had more of those drunk nights and he revealed more and more to me about his childhood. I revealed a few dark secrets of mine and he would remember those the next morning.
Maybe us almost having sex was too good to be true for him. Maybe he did remember that night, and chooses to think it be a dream.
Maybe I should, too.
*****
I got to my apartment and looked around. It was clean. It always is.
Thinking back to all those late nights Mr. Robinson and I use to have made me smile.
Ever since she came along, those nights have become a distant memory. I miss those alone moments I used to have with the man I am in love with. Everything changed when that stupid mailroom girl walked confidently into Mr. Robinson's room. I've hated her since.
Mr. Robinson is an idiot. I looked up to him and thought high of him and praised him for five years only to be slapped in the face by his stupid proposal to marry a stranger.
That's what his wife is.
A stranger.
She doesn't know him like I do. Tonight proved that.
When he asked me to stay for dinner and told me about his mother's words, just tells me he hasn't told his wife everything about him.
And to top that: she fricken slept with her baby daddy. And she did it out of spite. Talk about immature. She's a few months older than me but man is she a manipulator.
Over the past few months of them being married, I've tried to overcome the feelings I had for my boss. But I can't. I'm in love with him. I loved him before she did.
But today, when he confessed in front of the world ... it tore me apart.
I just want to be in his arms like I was all those years ago.
I want him to be mine ...
I sat straight up after plopping down on my bed and allowed a wicked smile sneak onto my face. Just one person's name was on my mind.
Ryan Platt.