Once I have reached my goal, I take a deep breath. Finding myself in front of Nikki's house, I am experiencing incredible anxiety. In a sense, I only have been here once, that is, one evening that Kelly and she wanted to watch a movie together but then they left me alone- to join as far as I remember to a party with their group of friends. So it didn't last long, yet it was enough to get to know her parents. I don't remember or even know their name. I only have their characters in mind.
Her father spoiled her so much. Whenever her daughter tried on a dress, or looked at things online, he was always ready to tell her yes. Instead her mother considered her as a jewel. So she left her do whatever she wanted. In fact when Nikki entered her parents' room, she could have the right to take what she desired, including bags of major brands, particularly her favorites, Chanel and Saint Laurent. It was natural to me, every time she and Kelly pretended to be models, dressing with rare things of great value, I saw them with envy.
Obviously understood as I would also like to be confident in putting on those things. Instead growing up I comprehended, simple things are what represent me. All this emphasizes how much I have improved in loving myself and in understanding myself. So pretty much, I think that old Iris has vanished from my head. But strangely, time after time my mind traces Nikki's name, there is something that pushes me to use the past tense. Which means in order to find out the truth, I decided to face a big obstacle, namely to confront her parents. Because something tells me, this is where I have to start if I want to help my friend.
"I don't have to be nervous." I repeat to myself before knocking on the door. "Think about Nikki. You're doing it for her, don't be nervous."
I close my eyes and sighing, I finally ring the bell. After three attempts, I get no response. But I don't give up, so I'll try again. Unfortunately no one is presented yet, so after a few minutes I slowly go away disappointed. Until, "Hi! I'm sorry. I was on the second floor. Those stairs are really long."
I turn around when this figure adds "So sorry if I made you wait." She gives me a nice smile. "You are?"
How strange. I remember well that the housekeeper was a lady around sixty, but this one looks much younger.
"I'm Iris. A friend of Nikki."
Her face becomes friendly as soon as I say that name. "Oh my god the famous Iris Jones?! It's a pleasure to meet you."
And giving me a beautiful smile, she highlights "Nikki often mentions you, although I'm new here."
"In fact I remembered of another person." I say as I try to peek inside. "I came to see the Stewarts, are they home?"
Without hesitation, she announces "They should be back in twenty minutes, but you can come in and wait in the meantime."
And with the gesture of entering, I am shocked by the beauty of the house. I didn't remember it being like that. I've only been here once, so it's okay to have this reaction.
"You can wait them here." I pay no attention to her words, I am busy analyzing every detail. "Do you want something to drink, something fresh?"
Her kindness makes the atmosphere really welcoming. "Oh that would be nice, thank you so much."
Having said that, I start to examine again. You would never believe if I told you I'm in the living room, just because I have no idea what part of the house I am. As soon as I entered, I saw in front of me a large room with shades that played with black and white. On both sides there were furniture of great value, where I could glimpse two large vases within numerous flowers of all kinds. Thus everything decorated the place of a great and fresh perfume. Instead in the center, there was nothing, just a large void. So walking further on, I noticed that on both sides there were two long stairs that lead to a single door, obviously not allowed for the guest to go exploring.
Therefore the housekeeper directly guided me to cross, to a single corridor located in front of the entrance door. So now I find myself sitting on a big sofa, observing every detail with wonder, especially this large TV. To my right there is a long French door leading to the swimming pool, with a huge garden behind it. While on my left, a kind of small library, not of books but of various classics and famous wines.
Let's say that Nikki's house is a mixture of modernity and antiquity. "You are right, who would not want to have a house like this."
"What?" I ask curiously as I follow her movements, sitting down. She is positioned in front of me, I think a way to analyze me well. I feel observed.
"Are you Mexican? Your face reminds me of my sister." She laughs silently. "Sorry if I speak randomly, I would like to get to know you a little bit, since you are a great friend of Nikki."
I drink quickly, and after that in a calm tone I reply "My mom is Mexican, but I wouldn't define myself that way. I don't speak much Spanish. But I promised myself to learn it if time permits."
Without ceasing to smile, she says "As you can already understand, my accent shows that I'm Latina, in this I must also learn to improve. Although it's still difficult to settle down, I'm happy to have an opportunity like this."
At that point, her eyes gaze at the ground. To make her feel comfortable, I say "You haven't told me your name yet."
Suddenly she looks up, and with an embarrassed expression, she replies "Ah right! I'm Celina Gomez. So I guess your mother speaks Spanish. So why didn't you learn from her?"
She uses an uncertain tone, as if she was afraid of hindering my privacy. Everything makes me understand she is really shy, although her appearance does not show it clearly. With complete peace of mind, I respond, "I really don't have a right explanation for that. Anyway, yes, sometimes I speak Spanish with her, but only with simple words."
At that moment, she nods, as always without stopping to smile. "Well. I at least, suppose you took this beauty from her. A classic Latina standard! And sorry again if I speak in vain."
"You should stop saying sorry. Don't worry." My tone is putting her so much serenity.
In fact after a big sigh, holding back the tears, she replies "You know, it's a difficult time for me to stay away from my family, especially from my children. I thought it would be easy."
She covers her mouth with a hand. "But it's all so different without them."
And looking down, not to be seen that she is crying, she adds "The problem is that with the work visa I didn't think I was traveling alone. So until I have a green card, I won't be able to bring my family, my children here with me."
And wiping away tears, she says, "So it's normal, now that I'm here, to have some mother attitudes towards Nikki."
And without letting me speak, she explains "It's only been a month that I'm here, but let's say your friend has helped me a lot to open up and make me feel at home. So she trusted me. Instead I always thought that, because maybe she didn't have anyone to talk to. At least here."
As she wants to continue, I interrupt her in time. "Celina. The truth that I'm here is to know the reason why, her parents don't know anything about what their daughter is going through. I want to understand if everything has to do with her past."
In that instant, l sense my heart that is accelerating. I'm so nervous...
Touching her forehead, she responds instead, "When I visited her at the hospital, she was really, really, I have no words, poor girl."
In order not to fall into sadness too, without hesitation I say, "That's why I'm here. I want to know every single detail of what happened to her."
Taking a deep breath, she makes me understand that she is nervous. "I can't tell you much, because even I don't know exactly everything. But how the parents treated her, or how they behaved, something told me they didn't have good bonds."
I reply, "I knew she cut herself, I saw scars on her wrist as well in her arms. My parents said she suffered from an eating disorder and she was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. So all this makes me understand that this relationship hasn't been clearly healthy towards her."
Sighing and watching my hands tremble, I add, "Otherwise she would certainly not be in this shitty situation. She has exceeded her limits."
"I was worried when I saw her getting thinner, and I insisted on making her eat, I did everything I could." And shaking her head, she confesses "But every time I did, she screamed in my face saying that she would have fired me if I tormented her with things that didn't concern me."
"But what about the cuts?" I ask anxiously. "Have you ever noticed something?"
At that point silence falls. I see her reflecting, trying to remember some details. "Not really, but maybe because she was hiding, and that's why she often closed herself in the bathroom."
My stomach is closing as soon as she says "I remember a day when she closed herself there. She was talking on the phone with someone. Ah, right! With you."
"I think you were fighting over something, about someone's number, I don't exactly remember. But when I came in to clean, I found bloodstains on the edges of the bathtub." As she concludes, she immediately worries about my sudden change.
The moment she wants to ask something, I let her know "I was a complete idiot."
I sigh, putting my hands on my face. "Now it's clear why I heard her taking big breaths while I spoke to her. She was in pain and was letting it go by cutting herself. I was so committed to being selfish, that I never seemed worried about her, and to know that she is in the hospital-"
I pause, ready to say "It's all my fault, if I had done something, she would still be here."
Seeing me in that state, she decides to sit next to me. "It is absolutely not your fault."
"Iris. Nikki has often told me that for her, every day of her life was a present that turned into a past. She never talks about herself and what she felt. She never generally talks about anything. But from what I know, she made me understand that she had to grow up alone."
And that's how I understand what Nikki had to go through. In short she wanted to talk about it with me, but she didn't want our friendship to be destroyed because of her past. Celina tells me that, she often spent her days away from home and only came back in the evening when her parents went to sleep. Even if it was, they didn't care what their daughter was doing. She was too free, but that freedom was not a state of pleasure. But kind of a cage, in which depicted her as if she was a small bird that got lost from the nest.
All this makes me clear that appearance is really deceiving. I always thought that her parents spoiled her, instead they pretended. The mother has a deep jealousy towards her daughter, especially of her youth and beauty, and the father is an alcohol addict. Celina has seen him drink several bottles in one day many times. Like one evening when Nikki returning home, she was drowned by his ugly words like, you are a whore, that's why you're always outside or fucking lesbian, you are a sin and not my daughter.
"I have practically no relationship with my father." Said Nikki and throwing the smoke out of her mouth, she added, "I lived most of the time with my mother. Because he was often absent because of his job."
Celina did not answer immediately, then she asked "And what is your relationship with her?"
At that point, Nikki looked at the window, admiring the beauty of the rain.
"Sometimes I would like to be the rain. I'd like to fall, fall and fall." Her voice was really sad. "I would like to overcome this problem, but I can't. I have to constantly make my life perfect, not for myself but for people I love."
And without letting her speak, she continued with "Now that I have resumed my friendship with an important person, I cannot make her life sad because of me and I don't want anyone to worry about me. I am used to having to face things alone, so the help of the people would have served no purpose."
"If I may know, what is your friend's name?" Celina asked, looking at her serenely.
And seeing her not responding, she said "Sometimes you have to let someone help you. We are not destined to face things alone."
"You don't understand! Things won't change. The past will always be my present, I grew up this way. But I appreciate your words." And after a deep breath, she added, "Her name is Iris Jones. She is a girl of a unique kindness, and I still don't believe that she accepted me for who I am, despite everything I did to her."
"And that's why you don't want to confide your past with her?" She asked curiously, and at the same time with a worried voice. Furthermore, observing her not opening her mouth, she decided to let her travel in her thoughts.
After a thunder, Nikki regained courage and said "My mother hates me, I don't know why. But from what I see, it is probably for my beauty or my youth. She does nothing but compare myself with herself."
And lighting another cigarette, she confessed "So every time my father was not at home, she would let me live my days through the fire. As a child there had been numerous times when she forgot to feed me, or to give me attention. Like that day, when she forgot about my birthday, even my father. I had to spend it in my room playing dolls, as if it were an ordinary day. And I was jealous of my peers. They didn't have everything like me. But one thing is certain, they have the only thing I wanted, having a mom and a dad that cared about me. I grew up with hatred towards others, because I felt that something was constantly missing. To vent this frustration of mine, I started bullying people and at the same time I did that, because I myself didn't want to feel, I guess, weak."
At some point, silence fell. "Okay. I don't want to continue. I don't want my story to influence you. Knowing that you are also going through a difficult period."
With a forced smile, she said "It must not be easy to stay away from your children. What a nice feeling to have a mother who worries about you."
That's how Celina ends her story, affirming that it was from there, she decided to start taking some responsibility towards Nikki. She saw her as a lost girl, full of good sides, but who was not yet aware of it. Then she started to treat her like she was her own daughter. But in doing so, she was hurting her more. Because Nikki scolded her by saying that she has grown up now. Her mind is used to thinking that the past and the future could not be changed. Her concept is that if she wants a better future, she must resolve what she has left open, that is her solitude, where love and care did not exist. All this made her a girl full of complexes, so changing her was too late. And that's why she threaten Celina, warning she would have fired her if she continued to haunt her.
"I have no words, I didn't expect she carried such a burden." I answer at the end. "In the meantime I complained about bullshit, in reality I had everything Nikki needed."
I can't do it so I cry again. "What should I do? I feel so useless and a bad friend." And silently I ask " What kind of friend would do things like this? I've never been there when she needed it."
Celina without hesitation, repeats "Stop thinking that it's your fault, because it isn't. The only thing you can really do is hope for now, that she will wake up."
"There is still hope that everything can change, and right now Nikki needs you." She is moved as she feels I am holding her hand tightly. "So don't get down! Fight with her. Make her understand that her return is a rebirth of a new beginning."
"Thank you." Having said that I wipe my tears. "You're such a wonderful person, Celina."
"No need to thank me sweetie." After a few seconds, she gets up and says, "I'll bring you something to drink, it will do you good."
When I am alone, I think who knows how many things I still don't know. But I'm ready to find out the truth, even if it will hurt me. Whenever I cried or complained about myself in front of the mirror, comparing myself with her, I would not have imagined that Nikki had such a deep pain. While I cried for James, she consoled me as she would have liked me to do to her. But Celina is right, I have to fight with her. Only that everything hurts, her absence is literally suffocating me. Because I constantly feel guilty, and if she doesn't wake up...I dare not imagine what my life would be like without her.
Remembering her only through memories is a condemnation for me. I don't think I can do it, she is too important. She was the first person who really made a big impact on my life. Her past connects my present because in the end we grew up together. We were two little girls who grew up following life on the wrong side. I wore the mask to live in the noise, instead she used the anger to ask for help. And after many misunderstandings, we understood that, she and I are a bridge, with her I learned that we must accept the past and the mistakes of others and with me she has a light which has the ability to turn on again that hope inside of her that, yes, past can still be erased and be forever just a memory.
So as soon as I see Nikki's parents, I don't even want to examine their expressions. I am hurt, desolate, but one thing is certain, as Celina says, ready to start a new beginning.
As they notice me, they are amazed by my presence. But I remind them with utmost serenity, "I hope you are aware of what is happening to your daughter."
At that moment, the mother sits looking at me with disgust. "And you are?"
"I'm Iris Jones, a close friend of Nikki." I say. "I came to let you know that you are a disappointment. Because no parent would leave their own daughter undergo this phase alone, in which there is also the risk that sooner or later she will lose her life."
At that moment, the father enters with a glass of cognac. "Miss Jones, you should mind your own business. The things we do and why we do, don't have to matter to you. Don't you know our dear daughter has a sick attraction for the same sex?"
"Of course, but this does not change the person she is. I am grateful that Nikki can be herself with me, she is a wonderful girl. Too bad you don't realize of what you are missing, and when it happens, oh, trust me, you're gonna regret it."
The mother laughs as soon as I finish. "At least I will have my husband all for me, without that, as the school used to call, a slut."
My heart falls, I am shocked by those words. "Didn't you know that wonderful girl you describe was nothing but a bully? And to get her diploma she let herself be fucked by two professors. I don't think that all this makes us proud parents."
Without giving up, and looking at her seriously I reply "This does not change anything that is happening, because your daughter is suffering in the hospital, and needs mainly your support."
And taking a deep breath I add, "Besides, you may not be proud of her but do you think she is proud of you? Proud to have parents like you? Doesn't that count too, or do we young people have to make only our parents proud?"
I am thrilled, as the father replies instead, "That's not our daughter! I consider her as well as her attraction as a sin. So it is better that you save your words."
As a result, I lose patience. "People like you know nothing about sin. And if you think this form of love is, then I think it's much worse, the sin of not having loved your daughter for what she is. Especially letting her go through this shitty stage in the hospital. So yes, I correct you. I believe this is a real sin."
And before I go, I also add, "Nikki is lucky to have a family like mine, who loves her and who is willing to do everything to see her happy. So you are right, I should really save my words."
After said that, I go out slamming the door. I stay staring at the ground. I'm furious. How can parents say certain things to their children? I have to talk to my father to report them. Their ways underline, as Celine told me that Nikki has undergone serious psychological abuse. I can't leave it like this. She deserves justice, and restore her dignity. That's why I'm glad I can count on my parents. Both are willing to host Nikki to stay with us for a while. So she will have a point of reference as soon as this whole phase ends.
Consequently I told my parents everything right after I arrived. And while they talk, I don't stop thinking about the words of Nikki's parents. Maybe now every time I think of her, or say her name, everything about her comes back to my mind. Which means that I still feel guilty. Overall makes me understand, there're so many things happening in the world that we can't even imagine.
Why is human condemned to face obstacles so bigger than itself? Only there, I wonder if there really is a God. Even if it was a yes, then why make so many people suffer? Like my friend at this moment.
Unfortunately I find no answer, but only silence. How sad is what all I think...