Ronnie downs the last of her white claw, crushing it and chucking it in a nearby trash can as I pull out a cigarette from my pocket. "You know you're gonna get caught one day," I say, smiling at how recklessly she drinks out in the open.
"Yeah, well you know those are gonna kill you one day? Not to mention, cigarettes are just as forbidden as drinking," She points out, raising an eyebrow as I light my cigarette. Touché. "But anyway, I'm a Dale, remember? My mother cares too much about our reputation to let them actually punish me for anything."
I feel the smoke go into my lungs before pulling the cigarette away from my lips. "You sure going to this party is a good idea?" I ask, staring down at my cigarette as we walk and try to calm my nerves. Ever since Ronnie and I talked that one night, I've been trying to get out more and move past the breakup. It's not like Greyson has made any effort to fix anything at all so I've essentially concluded that he doesn't care about me anymore.
Life has been feeling pretty numb as a result, but cigarettes help, I guess. Not as much anymore.
"Come on, drowning your sorrows in alcohol is always a good idea," She insists.
"Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna drink tonight," I reply. Potentially seeing Greyson and Mikey while intoxicated seems like a very bad scenario to me. Not sure what I would do or say so I'm just going to stick to my cigarettes tonight. "Plus, someone's gotta be sober enough to make sure you don't go back to Ray Stevens' dorm. I'm being a good friend when I say you have been sinking a little low lately."
Ronnie tries to look shocked, but she knows it's true. Ever since her breakup with Lucas, she's been a little all over the place. She tried to tell herself it was going to be easy breaking up with him, but I know she's hurting more than she's letting on and covering that pain with desperate boys that are tall and pretty enough to make her forget her pain. She definitely made the right choice breaking up with him, but it's obviously still going to hurt. He was the first guy she's ever really cared about and that means something.
"Ray Stevens is hot," She says, defending her actions. He's been all over since the minute her and Lucas broke up. He's one of Greyson's friends and as much as I love Grey, his choice in friends is not exactly spectacular. I stare at her knowingly. "Okay, fine. He's a bit of a fuckboy, but that's what I need."
"Uh, excuse me? What happened to the whole boys ain't shit? You're the sun, remember? You don't need one to be happy!" I exclaim, bringing back her words against her.
She rolls her eyes. "But they help."
I slowly start to get more anxious as we near the party. There are two people I'd rather not run into — one of which will make me explode in a fit of anger while the other will make me fall apart. Not to mention, the whole school will most likely be talking about our breakup and of course, all the fun stuff Mikey shared about me with everyone. You can probably see why am I not too excited to be going to this party, but I'm here for Ronnie so I'll just have to get through it somehow.
Ronnie can sense my nerves because she links her arm in mine. "I know you're nervous, but you're going to miserable for the rest of your high school experience if you let this consume you."
Another reason why I should move back to Washington. But, I keep that thought to myself because I still haven't really told Ronnie that I'm seriously considering moving back. Obviously, I still haven't made a decision, but it's getting harder to be here and see the guy I love struggle to even look me in the eye. It's physically painful to the point where I can't even focus on school anymore.
I know I probably sound so fucking stupid and desperate and ridiculous for acting this way over a boy and potentially uprooting my life because he broke my heart. But he's not just a boy. I don't know how seriously I can put to words that I genuinely saw us spending the rest of our lives together and not in some stupid high school couple bullshit way.
We walk towards the field and Ronnie immediately darts towards the alcohol. I instead make my way toward the open bleachers and find a spot near the middle top because it gives me a good view of everyone and because I'm not so interested in socializing. I pull out my pack of cigarettes and set it down next to me and pull one out, thankful for the warmth it provides me. It's mid-April, but the breeze is still prominent and chilling. I keep a close eye on Ronnie as she makes herself a drink and finds her way over to a group of boys, effortlessly grabbing every single one's attention.
I pull the cigarette down from my lips and notice Vee make her way up towards me on the bleachers. She's wearing tight black jeans and a fitted red top, accessorized with, of course, a black and gold gucci belt. As she makes her way up, she has a smile fitted perfectly to her face and it looks genuine and I begin to understand the need of everyone around her to please her. It's probably so rewarding to make her happy because she glows when she is.
"Hey Spencer," She says, stopping a few steps down from me so we're at eye level.
"Hey Lennox," I reply, wondering what the hell she's doing up here talking to me at a party where everyone can see us talking.
"Got a cigarette?"
I raise an eyebrow. "Did I get you addicted or something?"
She laughs and I watch as her hair lightly flies back with the wind. "Don't worry, I still think it's gross," She replies. "But you and me smoking cigarettes together at a party ought to start some drama and it's getting a little boring for me to hear everyone only talk about you all day."
Classic. Vee loves her drama. This time I laugh and hand her a cigarette and my lighter. Even though Vee puts on a front, I know that she's secretly doing me a favor and trying to get the school talking about something other than me and Greyson or me and my past. Might as well get them talking about me and Vee. That'll shake things up a bit.
She comes up and takes a seat next to me, handing me back the lighter as she pulls the cigarette away from her lips. She clearly picked up on it the last time I taught her because it looks like she's done it a hundred times before. I notice people start staring at us sitting smack in the middle of the bleachers smoking cigarettes and laughing together. It must look fucking hilarious.
"I bet everyone thinks we're shit talking Greyson," She says, leaning back and prompting me to do the same.
"Little do they know," I reply.
"So from what I've heard, you two are still broken up. What's up with that?"
"You gotta ask him about that one," I say, attempting to hide how much talking about Greyson hurts. "I think he's-um way over me at this point." My eyes scan around the party, but I can't spot Greyson.
"I doubt that," She says. "That boy has not been the same since you have broken up. He barely hangs out with anyone anymore, he doesn't make snarky comments to his teachers, and I haven't seen him genuinely smile in weeks."
I sigh and exhale the hot smoke I've been holding in my lungs for a little too long. I wish I could believe what she's saying, but it's becoming increasingly hard to think Greyson gives a shit about me anymore. "You know, I've been thinking about moving back to Washington," I confess to her, surprised the words come out of my mouth until they do. "I came here for a new start and my past followed me right over. It's like I'm back at square one with everyone either looking at me like I'm a criminal or a poor little abused girl. It's fucking miserable."
I can feel her eyes on me so I turn my head towards her and see the surprise on her face. "Move back? Are you serious?"
"What do I have left here besides Ronnie? Seeing Greyson is painful, seeing Mikey is painful, everything is painful. At least back home, I won't have to face them."
"Jo, running away from your problems will not fix them, I can promise you that. You will still think about Mikey betraying you and you will still think about Greyson breaking up with you," She explains. I'm about to counter her by saying at least I won't have to see them, but she continues. "And not seeing them won't help that pain, and soon enough you're start thinking about wanting to move past the pain and getting closure, but you will be 3,000 miles away and realize you ran away from your problems. And you can't fix the problem at home when the solution is here."
"The solution is here?" I repeat, not sure if I believe her.
"Why in the world would the solution be back in Port Angeles when the problem is here? You can't go searching for a solution in a different place."
I think about her words for a moment when they finally hit me. I ran away from Port Angeles to get away from Logan and my problems, thinking my solution would be here in Maine, but Greyson wasn't my solution. I couldn't even let myself want Greyson until Logan came here and I got my closure. She's right. I can't run back to Port Angeles because I'll find that I'm back in the same exact situation I was when I came here.
"But what's the solution?" I ask, facing my head back towards the party and bringing the cigarette to my mouth. I pull the cigarette down and exhale just as my eyes meet his.
He walks into the party, bringing every pair of eyes onto him, as always, but instead of bringing his eyes to one of the many pretty girls in front of him that are starting to crowd him, his eyes find mine.
Just as they always do.
Like we're searching for each other. And even thought I'm sitting far away from him and there's at least a hundred other people at the party, I feel his presence like we are the only people out here.
It's Vee's voice that finally brings me out of that trance. "I think you know what the solution is," She says, and I'm sure she could see us staring at each other.
"I have to talk to him, don't I?"
She smiles and flicks some ash off her cigarette. "It's all you, girl."
I throw my head back and groan because every attempt I've made to fix this relationship involved talking to him and they were all unsuccessful. When I lift my head back up, I notice Ronnie dancing with, no surprise there, Ray Stevens and she looks a little too drunk to be making a conscious decision. "I'll be right back," I tell Vee as I stand up. "Gotta go take care of Ronnie."
I walk down the bleachers, throwing the butt of my cigarette into the nearby trash and making my way over to her, when suddenly, someone steps in my way. "Lucas," I say in surprise, taking a small step back when I realize he's a little too close to me.
"Hey, I've been looking for you," He says, his sparkly blue eyes looking at me with the utmost innocence.
"Oh, you have?" I reply, although I'm only half in this conversation as the other half of me is looking behind him at Ronnie.
"Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while," He replies.
"Do you mind waiting a few minutes? I have to go make sure Ronnie doesn't hookup with Ray-" I stop myself when it's too late. I'm talking to Ronnie's ex-boyfriend right now. Lucas turns around and notices Ron and Ray dancing, but seems unfazed. "Ah, shit. I'm sorry, Luke. I wasn't thinking."
"It's whatever. That's just Ronnie," He says, shrugging his shoulders, but I'm a bit off put with the way he's talking about her. "So, listen. I heard you and Grey broke up."
My attention is now fully focused on him. Where the hell is he going with this? "And?"
"And, I thought that maybe you would finally take me up on that date I asked you on a while back."
I'm so taken back at first that all I can do is laugh in response, thinking that this either has to be a dream or a really fucking funny joke. But his eyes stay glued to mine and I realize that it's actually a nightmare except it's real. "Are you kidding? I mean-you've got to be kidding, right?"
"I've always liked you, Jo."
I wait for him to speak more and say something to rationalize why he would possibly think it's a good idea to ask me out, but he just ends with that. "You're psycho if you think I'm going to go out with you, Luke," I reply, although I realize it might be a bit harsh, even if he did say some shitty things to and about Ron. "Listen, I think you're a nice guy, I really do, but Ronnie is my best friend and you guys very recently broke up. Not to mention, that Greyson and I just broke up and I'm far from ready to date someone new, so this is wildly inappropriate and we can just act like you're drunk and forget this ever happened." I try to turn away from him, but he grabs my wrist.
"Jo, I'm serious. I always liked you, even when I was dating Ronnie. Grey was never right for you, and even though I'm graduating soon, I really think we could be something great."
"You need to stop talking!" I exclaim so loud that it's almost a yell. I bring my voice down and give him the most serious glare I can come up with. "Seriously, Lucas, this is not okay. Like at all. You need to stop talking and leave me alone."
"But I can't stop thinking about you," He replies as if I give a damn. I'm about to rip my wrist out of his hold when Mikey saunters over.
"Jo, I've been looking for you," He says. "I want to apologize for the kiss."
I roll my eyes and tug my hand out of Lucas' grip. "Oh fuck no. You do not get to speak to me now or ever again," I exclaim, extremely overwhelmed by them both and still needing to go save Ronnie.
"Kiss? Are you dating Mikey again?" Lucas asks in an accusatory manner as if he has any claim over me.
"Oh my god, no! No, I'm not and I'm not dating you either. I'm not dating anyone! I'm not dating or going out with either you nor am I continuing this fucking conversation any longer!" My anger is boiling more and more by the minute and I try to push them both out of the way but neither budges. We already have the attention of the entire party and I'd rather die than continue this conversation.
"But Jo," They both say simultaneously.
"Get the fuck out of my way!" I scream, but I don't get to finish my sentence because Greyson's fist goes flying right at Mikey's face, sending him falling straight back.
Greyson shakes his fist out as if he just merely bumped it against the wall. "I've been meaning to do that for a while," He says in a low voice, his eyes glued to Mikey who is now on the ground, clutching his bleeding nose. "That's for fucking up Jo's life."
I notice that Ronnie has now made her way over here, but I'm not sure how much of the conversation she heard. Based on the look she's giving Lucas right now, I'd say she heard enough. Ronnie's fists clench and I hear Greyson say, "Put some weight behind it."
Next thing I know, her fist goes flying into Lucas' face and while it doesn't do the same amount of damage as Greyson's punch, it makes Lucas fall back and few steps and grab his bleeding nose.
"You're such a piece of shit!" She exclaims before running off. I'm not even able to process everything that just happened before I'm running after her. The only thing I can process is that Greyson just punched Mikey because of me.
He still cares about me. I still have a chance.
* * * * *
i literally haven't written at all so idk why i'm posting this but i feel bad i haven't given u all a chap in a while
but i'm planning on writing during thanksgiving so expect an update sometime around then or after then (but no promises)
i've been doing better this week but now i'm sick so i feel like trash and i think it's evident i legit can't catch a break so yeah
han