I sat in the backseat in complete silence, trying to make sense of everything that just happened in my mind, my hands and legs shaking as Calvin sped down the street.
I looked down at my hands, instantly reminded of the pressure of the gun in my grasp, along with the way my finger curled around the trigger.
I could've killed somebody.
That thought alone made my heart speed up. Leaning back in my seat, I took a deep breath through my nose. I glanced at Kaylen, who was just as quiet as I was, staring out of the window. And all I could think of was the fact that she was probably ten times more scared and scarred than I was. Her life was basically just in my hands and if I let her down... that would be it.
And I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
I just placed my hand on her shoulder in the form of some kind of comfort. I honestly wouldn't know what I would do without Kaylen, losing one of my girls would shift my whole world. And all Kaylen brought was brightness, positivity, and love. If I lost her, I would lose all of that just the same way.
It was just crazy to think about. One second you were here, and the next you weren't.
"I grabbed it," Kaylen stated, looking at me. She pulled Nico's gun from her jacket pocket, catching me by surprise. "The cops can't come for you about this."
"Everything okay?" Quincy asked, turning around to look at us from his position in the passenger's seat, Calvin glancing at us in the rearview mirror.
I looked between the two males. "What are we gonna do?"
"Keep quiet," Calvin responded. "That's the only thing we can do." Now at a safe distance away from the scene, he started to drive at a normal speed.
"You just killed somebody, Calvin." I reminded him.
He was acting like this was any other simple situation that we could keep from Mama and Pops. But it wasn't.
"Would you rather have it been me or you?" He asked as he focused back on the road. "Cause if we speaking on me, personally, Nico had that shit coming."
"Calvin."
"Janae, he was planning on killing y'all. Was close enough to doing it to Kay, and you're tryna scold me for saving your life?"
He was right.
And I knew it.
It just didn't sit right to me that saving my own life had to take life away from someone else. No matter how much I despised Nico's existence, I didn't honestly want to be the one who took it away from him. I just thought I could graduate, get out of the hood, hear about his antics through the youngins, and have peace of mind knowing none of that shit came back to me.
But now, I literally had his blood on my hands.
And I was expected just to keep quiet and act like everything was normal.
"He's right, Janae." Quincy backed up. "The most important thing was finding where y'all were at and getting you out safe, and we did that."
"How'd you find us?" Kaylen asked. "I didn't even know where we were."
"When I realized Nae wasn't home, I pulled up to her house, told Calvin what was going on, and we pulled up on 7th's to catch up with his crew and they let us know he'd probably take y'all here if he was planning on what we were all thinking." Quincy explained.
"That's it?" I asked, unconvinced. "You just pulled up and they started talking?"
"Well, of course, there's more to all that. But it ain't for you to worry about." Q told me.
I rolled my eyes. "Where'd you get the gun?" I asked my brother, only to get back silence. "Where'd you get the gun, Calvin?" I repeated, leaning forward in my seat.
We all had to get all this out of the way now 'cause I knew better than to think that any of this was gonna be discussed further beyond this car ride.
"I know somebody." He simply responded.
"What are you gonna do with it?" I pushed.
"What are we gonna do with this?" Kaylen grabbed my attention with her words, seeing her once again pull out Nico's gun, the boys both looking back to see what it was.
"Give it to Q." Calvin instructed.
"What?! No!" I instantly denied.
"Janae, you gotta listen to me and you gotta trust me, okay." Calvin sternly told me as he glanced back at me. "This ain't gonna go right if you keep asking questions and say 'no' to everything. This is out of your hands now."
Something about that scared me.
"Gimme the gun." Quincy said, holding out his hand, Kaylen just handing it over.
"You said something about the police?" Kaylen brought up. "What's that about?"
"In case we couldn't get over there in time, we made a phone call about a noise complaint." Calvin informed. "But of course we got there before they did."
"You think this is gonna come back on us?" Kay questioned.
"Nah." Calvin replied before the car got into a permanent silence.
He wasn't all the way confident. And neither was anyone else in that car.
But I still closed my eyes and prayed for forgiveness, hoping that somehow someway my brother's uncertain declaration was the truth.
🖤
Before we got home, Calvin and Quincy disposed of the guns. I didn't know all the facts and figures 'cause we were ordered to stay in the car, but I honestly didn't wanna think about it more than I had to.
We then decided it was too late in the night for all of us to go separate ways and went straight to mine. Quincy agreed to take the couch while Kaylen didn't hesitate to fall asleep on my bed. I attempted to sleep, but I ended up staring at the ceiling, the events of the night reeling through my head.
After I felt time ticking away, and my mind wasn't shutting off, I slipped out of bed, figuring a glass of water would calm me down. I still had school in the morning, and getting some sleep would be better then getting none.
I tried to be as quiet as possible as I crept my way to the kitchen. I got my glass of water and sat at the table with my hand to my head. I was physically tired, but mentally, I was going crazy.
"You okay?" A voice asked, making me look up, seeing Quincy standing in front of me. It was dark, but with the moonlight streaming in through the window, I could recognize him.
"I'm alright." I responded softly. "Just keep thinking."
"I'm sorry you had to be in that type of situation." He expressed as he moved closer to me.
"You're sorry for me?" I almost wanted to laugh, feeling like it was some kind of joke. "I feel sorry for you."
Quincy just walked behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Hey, I made you a promise and I came through on that. There's nothing to be sorry about."
I reached for his hand, squeezing it my grasp. "Thank you. I don't know what would've happened if y'all didn't show up."
"But we did. And everything's all good." He moved his hand from my grip, proceeding to massage my shoulders. "You need to relax. You can't stress yourself out about this, baby." He kissed my cheek gently. "I love you, please don't make me worry about you more than I already do."
"He's dead, Q." I whispered. "And I have something to do with that."
"Baby." He sighed, moving in front of me, grabbing my hands. "You didn't pull the trigger."
"I was going to."
"But you didn't." He crouched down in front of me, making sure I was taking in his words. "There were no other options, Nae. No matter how hard you wanna think there was one, there wasn't. It was either y'all or him, and I'd be damned if I let anybody take you away from me like that, Janae." His hands cradled my face. "I love you."
"I love you too."
I needed his reassurance. For once I wasn't keeping all my fears and worries to myself. I was letting him in, and it felt good to know that I didn't need to be strong and have it together all the time. He was gonna be there to be strong for me. And I needed that.
So, I let myself lay my head on his lap while he rubbed my back on the couch. It was then I was able to peacefully fall asleep, knowing that as long as he was by my side to hold me up when I was down, I could go through anything.
As much as I hated showing my fears of the life I was surrounded by, I learned that it was inevitable.
And as long as you had people around you that really loved you, you'd make it through.