relationship: boyfriends
warnings: depression, mentions of attempted suicides, mentions of self harm
word count: 1.5k
published: 08.02.20
synopsis: in which y/n is tired of it all, but wooyoung was the only thing to always keep him together.
" depression is being colorblind and constantly told how colorful the world is "
- atticus
y/n had severe depression. nothing more nothing less. everyday, there were reasons for him to give up, and he'd tried. he'd tried three times, and each time he did, he broke down even more. waking up in the hospital bed, he'd just stare at the ceiling and see white and wonder, "why the hell am i still here."
three times should have been enough to get the job done, but for some reason he always failed. he didn't know if whatever god was out there had a plan for him or if he was so useless he couldn't even off himself properly.
nevertheless, everytime he woke up in that hopsital, whether it be from his bandaged wrists, throat or a pumped stomach, when he finally had the courage to look down, there'd be that one person. the one who stayed with him no matter what. at first, he was convinced that he was only there out of pity, but after waking up the third time and hearing how wooyoung cried the whole time and wouldn't let go of his hand, he started to believe and understand that wooyoung was there because he wanted him by his side.
y/n always desired to be loved and wanted; growing up in a broken home, mother always out of it, and father a raging alcoholic, there was no peace, no quiet. there was always voices shouting at him; insulting him.
he didn't even know why wooyoung wanted to be by his side in the first place, but he didn't care anymore. as long as wooyoung was there, there was a reason for him to continue.
it's been a year since y/n's last attempt. regardless, he still woke up (on the nights he did sleep) and he could lay there for hours just watching wooyoung. wooyoung didn't sleep late, it was just that y/n didn't sleep; hence the boy always looked beyond exhausted.
y/n had been going to group therapy three nights a week, wooyoung accompanied him knowing y/n would be uncomfortable without a familiar and trusted face. they helped a little, but honestly nothing helped more than wooyoung's presence.
y/n was one of the lucky ones, if it dare be said. his whole life was hell, but he'd still been able to find someone that held him together. when y/n woke up in the hospital last and saw wooyoung asleep, his head on his lap and his hands tightly latched onto his own, that was when he decided; if i can't live for me, i'll live for him.
sure, he was lucky. his life was no longer his own, it was wooyoung's, and frankly, y/n trusted that more than anything. having to live with his fucked up thoughts, he felt more safe knowing he kept going because of wooyoung...
-
y/n and wooyoung met in middle school. wooyoung was from a well off family, both parents intact and the ability to smile with them. y/n was from a family that didn't give two shits about the other. there was the occasional time his father would go off the rails in his drunken rage and put his hands on y/n and there was the time where his mother would be sodoped up, she didn't even know her own name. y/n hated life while wooyoung was okay with his.
y/n was the class clown, you could say. really, he wasn't that funny, but those around him found his situation laughable and it remained so. wooyoung was one of the only ones who didn't laugh at him, but he didn't quite pity him either. the two were grouped together for a project in which they had to present the chemical reactions of the brain to certain situations.
when the teacher assigned them the task of researching the chemical reaction to loneliness, y/n spoke. "i guess i'm the perfect candidate, huh?" a sad smile was on his face and wooyoung only looked at him, his words registering.
all of a sudden wooyoung had wrapped his arms around y/n and stuck his head in the crook of his neck, "no."
...
months later, wooyoung was still by his side and y/n could slowly see himself getting used to his presence. he still got bothered by it at times, so used to being alone and listening to his own demons and parasites, but he noticed whenever wooyoung was around, they got quieter. they were still there, but they were drowned out.
wooyoung had found himself falling in love with the boy and the sensation was new to him. he welcomed it with open arms though, and didn't stray away from the boy to figure them out. he just figured them out and sorted them while staying by his side, regardless of if y/n knew of them or not.
wooyoung kept his feelings secret for a year before an argument broke out between the two in their first year of high school. the argument started because wooyoung was angry at him. angry at him for being so selfish as to try and kill himself. this was the first attempt.
"you're so selfish! how could you do that?"
"i'm selfish? how am i selfish? it's my body, my life, my mind, my thoughts, it's all me! what does this have to do with you or anybody else? are you that upset that you wouldn't have anybody to pity anymore?" y/n had screamed, his hands in his hair as he pulled at the roots.
"i don't pity you; i never have!" wooyoung cried, his hand pounding at his chest as he leaned forward, his breaths sob-ridden.
"then why do you hang around me? huh? what good does the goody-two-shoes, perfect rich kid get with being around the poor, abused, suicidal kid?"
wooyoung collapsed to his knees, sobs crashing out of his mouth left and right, his tears crashing against the linoleum floor. he sat like that for a few moments before he looked y/n in the eyes, feeling even smaller than he normally did compared to the other.
"you don't even know..."
y/n scoffed, "i don't know what? that you only stay around me because it makes your good little heart feel like you've done some good by helping those lesser than you? because—"
"because i'm in love with you!" wooyoung finally cracked, his mouth finally letting go of the one thing he didn't have the courage to speak up about. and at those words, a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and moved onto y/n's.
...
y/n and wooyoung did end up dating, wooyoung was happy and y/n didn't know what he was doing with himself. he did genuinely return the feelings, but he didn't want wooyoung to feel the burden of being with someone as broken as he was.
he saw it; he saw how wooyoung would smile defeatedly whenever y/n refused to go out or when he didn't say 'i love you' back.
he wanted to say it back, but he didn't know how. he's never loved anything and to be loved was something completely foreign to him. so wooyoung observed and figured he'd take things much slower than he was.
he wouldn't try to kiss y/n, he wouldn't expect y/n to say those three words back just yet, and he wouldn't place expectations on him that he wasn't ready for.
"i know you're not used to any of this; love. so i won't force anything on you. i mean it when i say i love you, and i know you want to say it back, so i'll just wait until you're ready. in the meantime, i'll just love you with all i can."
y/n didn't say i love you until after his second attempt. he knew wooyoung was getting tired of waiting for him, 'he's gonna leave me anyway, i'll just leave first—make it easier for the both of us'.
but again, wooyoung was there. this time he didn't nag or scream at him about how he was inconsiderate, he just asked what he was thinking about. he asked him what goes through his mind when he wants to hurt himself. he asks how he gets through it and if he wants him to help. y/n only says 'i love you too'.
it was after his second attempt that he joined the group therapy. y/n wanted wooyoung there with him or he wouldn't participate. they went.
y/n's third attempt followed two months after therapy started. he'd taken a handful of the prescriptions the therapist had given him. wooyoung found him on their bathroom floor.
when he returned to therapy after that, they welcomed him and said they were glad he was alive. one of his therapy mates even chuckled, "still alive and kicking, are we?"
y/n smiled softly, "about as much as you are."
...
y/n and wooyoung were lying in their bed. that day there was no group therapy.
the clock on the nightstand read '4:30am'. wooyoung was asleep, his head on y/n's chest and feet entangled. insomnia made a home in y/n, so he spent that time admiring wooyoung when he wasn't thinking about how he'd gotten to this point.
wooyoung was his rock, and he was glad he was stuck with a diamond rather than a typical one. wooyoung, contrary to being a person who was only patient and understanding for so long seemed like he'd wait to the world's end for y/n.
and that was all it took for him to fight another day.
-
i'm not sad. i just stumbled upon post-rock and read the comment, 'this is the class clown when they go home'.
(that's why this was published before the scheduled seonghwa imagine)
for anyone who is struggling against themselves and the world, you're not alone. you may feel alone and you may feel like the day never ends or maybe it's just too short.
there will be a day where all the fighting you have and will do will be worth it. there will be a day when you open your eyes and think that you're thankful you did. and there will be a day where you will wake up and that's all you continue to do.
the more you fight to keep your eyes open and to just keep breathing, the closer you get to your day. the day where you are just content to be alive.
if you don't want to live for yourself, live for something else. it may seem droning, you may feel it's pointless, but it's better to be alive and have the chance to experience that day than to end it without getting to.
if you ever need to talk to someone, i will be here.
i know anyone rarely wants anything to do with therapy when it's not their own choice, so use your anonymity and talk to people you have the sparsest chance of coincidentally meeting in real life. let your online mutual be your escape from the real world.
or if you ever want me to write something specifically for you and only for you to see, please tell me. i'd write a world for any of you if you needed it.
at the end of your day, just take a moment to reflect, out of all the bad, what was good? what almost made me smile or even be content for a brief moment?
"hope for a better tomorrow lightens the burden of today, never stop believing tomorrow will be better than today"
- olufunke kolapo