A/N: This is part two of relapse ❤️
It had been a month. 4 weeks of crying, no sleep and constant worry as Charlie waited for Alex to be released from the mental health facility. His boyfriend had been admitted under caution after his history spiked concern for not only his doctors, but his parents, suggesting that an inpatient approach was the safest in this moment. Charlie couldn't help but picture Alex's face as he was told, his eyes quickly watering, his face flushed with anger as he fought against the decision.
Being isolated was hell for Alex. Charlie knew an inpatient facility would be torture for him. The younger boy hadn't slept, his mind constantly swimming as he thought of his boyfriend alone in a strangely sterile room, constantly watched as if he were a crazy person. Charlie wanted nothing more than to break in and get him, protect him and look after him until he felt no more pain. His eyes welled, his hand pressed against his forehead and he sighed in frustration. Looking after Alex was exactly what he had been trying to do for the past year, and this is where it had gotten him, sobbing at 3am, while his boyfriend plummeted into a darker hole of depression. Charlie had tried so hard to take it away, but could you really love someone back to life?
Alex needed help, and as much as Charlie hated to admit it, the facility was the safest place for him right now. It was the only thing that had put Bill and Carolyn Standall's minds to rest, knowing that their son was getting the help he needed, even if he did hate them for it.
Charlie had visited twice, the visitation rights restrictive as Alex continued to recover. The older boy had gotten thinner with the stress, his eyes panda like and sunken as he refused to sleep and eat in a protest. He had barely spoken to his counsellors, and point blank avoided group therapy, playing the TBI card more than a few times.
Bill called Charlie frequently to update him on his son's condition, each day sounding more defeated as Alex had still refused to see his parents. His hostility towards them was breaking the pair, and Charlie aimed to put it right, his new goal to convince his boyfriend to come around to the idea of treatment when he next saw him.
In fact, that day was drawing closer, proving to be the reason Charlie was tossing and turning in bed, his pillow wet with anxious tears. Alex had been granted a day release, choosing to spend it with Charlie only, defiant as his parents offered to take him out. As much as it broke Charlie's heart to see him reject them, he was excited to see him for longer than 30 minutes, determined to make it a stress free day for the pair of them. He had to swallow back his nerves, for he didn't know how to act around him. His boy looked fragile, and Charlie didn't want to make things worse than they already were. Alex was his boyfriend, but he felt as if he were walking in egg shells around him.
He closed his eyes, shook his nerves away and let the darkness envelop him. He was seeing Alex tomorrow, and that was all that mattered.
.
.
"Hi, I'm here to pick up Alex Standall for a day release." Charlie tried his best smile with the receptionist the next day, his fingers nervously tapping the desk as she cross checked the system.
"Yes sir, take a seat, I'll let the warden know you've arrived." The woman smiled, gently pointing to a gloomy looking waiting area, littered with pointless quotes about living life to the fullest. Charlie found them ridiculously ironic, as if they would fix anything that people in this place were going through.
After what seemed like the longest ten minutes of his life, he looked up from his phone to see his boyfriend, anxiously standing before him, his face brighter today as he smiled softly. His gaze was on the floor as he nervously twiddled his thumbs, but tentatively walked forward as Charlie stood to embrace him.
"Hey baby I missed you." Charlie beamed, holding back his tears as he saw what was now a frail figure as he hugged him close, his hands resting on his cheeks as he pulled back to get a better look at him. "You ready to get out of this hell hole for a few hours?" He giggled encouragingly.
For the first time in weeks, Alex let out an inaudible chuckle, rolling his eyes as the tension began to fade. "You could take me to literal hell right now, and it'd still be more fun than this place." He joked darkly, taking a wobbly breath and a final look back at the place as Charlie motioned to the door.
"Come on Lex, should we go?" As the younger boy turned to leave he saw his boyfriend grow slightly anxious, shaky even. He quickly realised he hadn't been in the outside world for over a month, and it had definitely taken toll on his anxiety. "Wanna hold my hand?"
Charlie smiled sadly as he saw Alex nod, quickly clasping his hand and intertwining their fingers. He could feel him cling on for support, and walked him gently outside.
"W-What's the plan then?" Alex asked shakily as they climbed into Charlie's car. "I can't go too far." He breathed, earning a look of concern from Charlie as he began to pull out of the car park. He nodded, resting one hand on Alex's as he drove away in attempt to calm him.
"Don't worry Lex, we're just going down the road, I have a little surprise for you in the back of the car." Charlie winked, handing his boyfriend his phone and an aux cord in order to choose some music. Music had always calmed Alex, and the older boy's eyes lit up as he scrolled through Charlie's playlists.
"I'm sure it'll be great, no matter what we do." Alex smiled. "I'm just glad I'm with you right now, I feel, I feel kinda normal for the first time in weeks."
"Normal is overrated Lex." Charlie pressed a kiss to his hand. "I'm glad to be with you too."
.
.
Charlie's surprise was a picnic, and a beautiful one at that, made up of complete junk food that Alex had been desperately craving. He'd fallen to skin and bone in the facility, and Charlie couldn't help but smile as he saw him tuck into a homemade burger and sweet potato fries.
They were in a park, one that overlooked a large portion of Evergreen, up high enough so that the town below looked small and insignificant. Charlie wanted Alex to feel on top of the world, even if it was just physically.
"Thank you Charles, you don't know how much I've missed your burgers." Alex hummed, wiping his lips with a napkin as Charlie gazed across at him. He couldn't find any words to say, he'd just been staring at Alex as he tucked into the spread of food. He focused on his eyes, desperately trying to read them, desperately trying to gage how his boyfriend was currently feeling. He sometimes felt as if he didn't know him at all, or as if he should have known him well enough to see the signs.
How could he be a good boyfriend if he didn't know the boy he loved was that unhappy.
"Charlie?" Alex waved a hand in front of him. "Earth to Cookies?" His brow furrowed as he saw his boyfriend's eyes water slightly, suddenly placing his food down to rest his hands on Charlie's. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked tentatively.
Had he done something wrong? Said something he shouldn't have? Of course he had, he always fucked everything up.
"How did I not know." Charlie whispered shakily. "How could I not know you were this unhappy?" He sighed, closing his eyes as he felt a tear fall. He felt Alex take his hand, pulling his fingers up to his mouth and placing a peck on them. Charlie opened his eyes to see his baby blues glistening with tears, and instantly kicked himself for bringing it up.
"You couldn't have known." Alex stated, shuffling to sit closer to the boy as they twisted to face each other. "I'm good at hiding things, especially my depression, which by the way is not or never will be your fault. As much as I feel on top of the world when I'm by your side, it'll always be there no matter how much you or anyone else loves me."
Charlie was visibly upset, drying his tears on the side of his jacket. He could see the pain in his boyfriend's eyes, and desperately wanted to take it away.
"I-I just don't wanna l-lose you." The younger boy sniffed, earning a a sigh from Alex as he gulped back the lump in his throat. "W-When I found you there, y-you know, your eyes, I couldn't see your eyes, and I wasn't ready to n-never see them a-again." He pushed his head between his legs, burying his face away from Alex as he sobbed.
"C-Charlie I'm so sorry." Alex had begun to cry, his body beginning to shake as he once again fought his demons. He only caused pain. He was the reason Charlie was upset. He was a burden. He shook it away the best he could, his hand moving to stroke his boyfriend's hair. "I-I'm so sorry I did what I did, I regret it, I'll never do that to you again." He whimpered, earning a look of concern from Charlie as he rose his head.
"Can you promise that though? Are you sure you wouldn't? I love you Lex, but I can't read you, and I need to know when you're not okay, because this can't happen again." Charlie looked serious, letting out a calming breath as Alex silently nodded, drying his own tears. "I need you to know one thing." He gulped, taking his hands in his. "I know I can't fix you, but you need to believe that talking about this stuff doesn't make you weak or a burden. I'd rather face your lowest lows by your side, than from a hospital waiting room, terrified that I'll never get to see you again."
Alex teared again, his head telling him for the first time in months that he could trust Charlie with this stuff, even if it did feel like his world was imploding.
"I just have this voice, this stupid voice that tells me that I'm this worthless burden who deserves to feel like this." Alex explained. "No matter what I do, or however happy I feel, it is always overshadowed by this sinking feeling, this constant dread that I'll never feel okay. It's almost as if I don't know what okay even feels like anymore." He watched Charlie nod in reassurance, encouraging him to go on.
"I know you want to fix this, and it kills me to see you so upset, but you have to accept that this will always be a part of me." Alex resented his own words, he wished it wasn't true, but he was right, this was never going to leave him. "W-What if this feeling n-never goes a-away?" He felt himself breakdown this time, his body falling limply as he bent over in tears. "I-I don't w-want to do this t-to you, y-you s-shouldn't be this m-miserable. He was choking back harsh sobs. He couldn't cope, this was too much.
"Oh, Lex, baby, c'mere." Charlie pulled him into his embrace, stroking his back, his arms wrapped tightly around him in an attempt to calm him down. "Im not miserable baby, you make me the happiest man alive." Charlie cooed, shushing his boyfriend's whimpers. "This is a part of you, not all of you. No matter what, you shouldn't let it confine or define you. I love all parts of you okay, not just the good ones."
Alex pulled away, a shaky smile forming. "Y-You're right." He croaked to Charlie's surprise. "I-I don't want this to d-define my life anymore." Charlie watched his boyfriend shiver, quickly placing his own coat around his figure.
"Then you have taken the first steps already to making sure that won't happen. I know these past four weeks have been dreadful, but it's a start Lex, and I'm so bloody proud of you." Charlie saw Alex smile, his baby blue orbs shining for the first time in weeks, giving Charlie the hope that maybe things would be okay. "Let's take this one step at a time, the first one being getting you back to where you need to be right now." He smiled sadly as Alex agreed, hugging closer into his embrace. "You will beat this Lex, it isn't forever okay?"
"I don't deserve you." Alex hummed softly, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's cheek.
"Oh Alex, if only you knew how much you do deserve." Charlie sighed, ruffling his hair as he pressed a kiss back on his forehead. "I hope that one day you realise that you deserve the world Alex Standall, the world and more."