~~Growing Pains~~
"So Feel Again is being released in two weeks, and as it's Aaliyah's debut album, we're throwing a party."
Aaliyah couldn't help but slouch down in her seat a little, feeling a little less on edge now. Every time she had a meeting with these people, she always felt like someone was going to find a way to piss her off, and she was too exhausted to have to deal with that too, on top of everything else.
Malcolm leaning his elbows on the table and interlocking his hands together looking down at the opened folder on the table under his chin. He looked back up at the table of board members and Moe from the marketing team and another older man beside him, with a greying beard and blue eyes with crows feet, "Now we've already got the Waldorf booked for that evening, caterers and a guest list has already been sent out, and we've booked two opening acts for Aaliyah, who's agreed. Many reporters and journalists have also RSVPed and we've ensured that we continue to generate enough buzz amongst the public. Any cuts that need to be made so that we stay within the budget will be addressed to the finance team and will in turn report to me. I will make the necessary cuts if there are any. Am I missing anything?" He said looking down at the folder between his arms.
A moment's silence passed and Aaliyah swore she could hear a pin drop or the even breaths of the board members. And then the man, Mr. Wilhelm, leaned forward like Malcolm clearing his throat. "As head of the marketing team, I think it would be wise to discuss censorship over particular topics when Miss Garcia is engaging with reporters," He started in a gravelly voice. Aaliyah tried not to roll her eyes, already knowing where this is going, "The media is still buzzing with the magazine cover mess from almost two months ago, and I'm sure that we can all agree that, that it may very well be a topic in many interviews with the reporters—"
"We've already ensured that the journalists reporting to media platforms that promote or attract more attention to the issue would be struck from the guest list, Arthur," Uriah said in a low voice looking over to him with a raised brow, "We know that Aaliyah cannot say anything condemning the magazine cover, and have made the necessary steps to minimize that risk. Aaliyah already knows that we face a lawsuit as consequence as well."
Aaliyah tried not to scowl, but when the adults in the room talked about her like she wasn't sitting right there with her, it was hard not to get annoyed, but still, she held her tongue. Moe made a noise and she raised her gaze from her hands in her lap to his. "Striking guests who take a more diverse and pro-black approach to their journalism does not help Aaliyah's image, sir," He said in a soft voice, though Aaliyah heard the firmness in it and she tried not to smile when she saw Uriah twitch, "They will know what you're trying to do, and they will use it to their advantage. Best thing we can do is to ensure that Aaliyah openly makes a statement in regards to the issue because a big reason why this hasn't died down is because of Aaliyah's lack of a response."
"She made a response the day the magazine cover was released." Uriah retorted.
Aaliyah snorted low under her breath. "And the public saw through what was clearly censored, Sir," Moe replied quickly, "She needs to make a statement addressing the issues that were sparked as a result of the cover, colorism, beauty standards, and intersectional feminism."
"I think these snowflakes are just like a dog with a bone," Paula grumbled causing the rest of the board members to snicker, making Moe flush; embarrassed or frustrated, Aaliyah couldn't tell.
Mr. Wilhelm with a smirk nodded slowly. "Regardless of personal opinions, they do hold a certain influence, especially over Aaliyah's fanbase demographic," He said, "Moe has a point. A genuine statement must be released."
"They're both right," Blair said with a sigh. Aaliyah tried to hide her discomfort from Blair speaking for her. "Aaliyah isn't entitled to answer questions regarding Weekly Hot Topics. Aaliyah can say that she doesn't plan on working with them again and that this has definitely been a learning experience for her."
Aaliyah wanted to scoff. Malcolm nodded gravely, looking over at Blair, "At least that way, she can redeem herself in their eyes. And remind the world that she is human, liable to make mistakes," He said and then he looked at Aaliyah with a meaningful gaze. She knew that he was being apologetic, but again reminding her that this was how the world worked as unfortunate as it was, she needed to learn to make do with it. She wished she could scream sometimes, "Is that okay, Aaliyah?"
Suddenly the whole room was looking at her as though she held the world in her hands. Even when she knew and they knew that she really had no choice in the matter, it was either that or get the label sued for X amount of money and ultimately get dropped. She sighed sagging her shoulders, "I guess so."
She could leave, she thought, and just as quick as it teased her mind, did she jerk back, rejecting it. She couldn't do that to Malcolm, he had given her this opportunity when he was in no such position to do so, abandoning him, felt selfish, despite herself, she couldn't do it. He sacrificed so much for her, he gave her food and shelter and all the faith in the world. And some things frustrated her, and got under her skin, and made her want to leave sometimes, but she would find those things everywhere she went. Leaving wasn't always the best option, she thought of Xavier. Everyone loved him, or at the very least respected him, even Uriah did. They would listen to him. She wanted to be like that, someone people listened to, and not just by her singing, but her words too. Maybe, leaving wasn't an option, but changing things definitely could be.
She thought of Blair and Jenny and Xavier and Malcolm and she knew that no matter what she had against the label, she couldn't abandon any of them. It wasn't in her, she didn't want to.
Uriah clapped his hands together, shaking her out of her thoughts and smiling like he had accomplished something. "Good, we will revisit the guest list and send out last-minute invites to the right reporters" He announced, "Now next we should probably discuss a setlist, and set up meetings with the opening acts—"
"Sorry we're late," Said a voice, and Aaliyah turned her head to the door as Madison with her manager sauntered in. Her bright red hair was tied up in two mini-buns accentuating her porcelain skin and sharp cheekbones, "We got tied up at this cute little restaurant nearby. Fan related, of course."
Uriah grinned letting out a laugh. "Of course," He said as she and Oliver took their seats on the other end of the table. Aaliyah watched as she did, almost flouncing carefree her skirt floating around her ankles. She found herself remembering the night of the Winter Showcase, and she had been in tears, confiding in Aaliyah about her deepest shame. She couldn't help but feel weird now, and a little annoyed at how perfect everyone sees her as, "You're just in time anyway, we were about to start discussing you."
"No, you weren't," Blair replied in a cool voice, and when everyone looked to her, she returned the glares with a dry look of her own, "You might as well all own up to your double standard, you just look like idiots otherwise."
Madison made a sweet noise meeting Blair's gaze across the table. "Does your bitterness leave a sour taste behind?"
Blair rolled her eyes. "Does your ego leave you enough room in your queen-sized bed?"
Madison narrowed her eyes, already irritated. Malcolm sighed tiredly. "Blair—"
"It's whatever," Aaliyah said and then looked over to Madison with an easy smile, "So is there a reason your highness is taking a seat at my meeting?" She asked, ignoring the slightly shocked look on Malcolm's face.
Uriah scowled, opening his mouth to reply when Oliver beat him to it. "We're here to discuss an opportunity," He started in a cool voice. Aaliyah cocked a brow meeting his gaze, "We'd like to offer you a spot in the opening act lineup for Madison's upcoming world tour."
Aaliyah frowned. "Why are you only offering it up now? Isn't her tour just a month away?" She asked.
"One of her acts dropped out last minute, and we need someone to fill up his spot," Uriah explained.
Blair shrugged. "So why can't Madison just fill up his slot," She said, "I mean that's more time for her in the spotlight."
Madison made a face at her. "The act was Chyenne," She said in a cold voice, "And we don't share the same fanbase, a good portion of the tickets went to fans that were. So announcing that she wouldn't be performing anymore, would result in a lot of refunds we don't have the time to redistribute. However, Aaliyah and Chyenne do have overlaps in their fanbase demographic. So the number of refunds probably wouldn't be so big if we replaced him with you."
Aaliyah rolled her eyes. "What about the rest of your tour? I wouldn't be able to fill in for you."
Madison shrugged. "Chyenne said she'd be able to perform for the rest of the first leg."
"So how about it?" Oliver said, "It doesn't have to be anything special. You're just opening, and it will gain you a lot more exposure for your own tour and your career. And a percentage of the tickets sold on that night would go to you and your... manager."
Aaliyah cocked a brow, glancing at Blair who only responded looking over to him with a smirk. "Whatever percentage you had in your head, I want another five percent added to it," She said, and at Oliver's appalled look, and Uriah's outrage, she waved a dismissive hand, "I know that you weren't going to consider the amount of work that would go into preparing for a performance of this standard in only a month, on top of the amount of stuff we already have on our schedule. Rescheduling everything to fit in a performance for your benefit will cost you."
"What about the family discount, cuz?" Madison sneered, emphasizing "cuz."
Blair rolled her eyes. "You want to pull the family card when it works for your benefit, Mads," She replied, "That's not how it works. This just ensures that she gets her credit where it's due."
Another silence passed, and Aaliyah looked around the table as though waiting for someone to challenge it. But though everyone was in some sort of denial, they weren't liars either. "We go no higher than thirteen percent," Oliver replied, through gritted teeth as though he couldn't believe he was arguing with a seventeen-year-old.
"Fifteen, and I can get started on booking Aaliyah and Madison on The at Night Show with Quill Peterson by the end of the coming week tonight." Blair retorted with a cocked brow.
Another long silence that grated on Aaliyah's nerves, she raised her gaze to Oliver. "He's incredibly exclusive, and reaches out to an international audience, there is literally no way you're going to book him. You're in over your head, kid."
Blair's smile was pleasant, and for the first time, Aaliyah found herself being intimidated by her. "You have no idea what I'm capable of, or who I know," She said shrugging, "I made a lot of contacts since I became Aaliyah's manager, and especially in the last week. Ask my father." She said gesturing to Malcolm, who seemed mildly impressed but chose not to say anything.
Oliver looked over at Malcolm and then back at Blair with a raised brow. "If you can make it happen by Wednesday, you've got your fifteen percent."
Lauryn used to tell her that she had an inability to stay focused on any one thing for too long, and Aaliyah used to think it was so bad it was becoming a character trait.
Well, she wasn't wrong about that. She hadn't been an hour into her writing notes for a plan for her paper for government class, and she found herself lying on her back on her bed with her phone in the air scrolling through her Instagram feed, and also trying to copy one of the Tik Tok dances she saw, failing miserably, but laughing about it as she did. She posted it and was also trying to interact with as many of the commenters as possible and going through the normal routine of blocking anyone she thought was particularly spiteful.
Scrolling through her Instagram was a pretty mind-numbing process, though that didn't really keep her mind from escaping her and her gaze found her rucksack barely hidden under her bed and she started thinking about the man from Atlanta. The man that looked just like her birth father, the man that was her birth father. As far as his passport photo said. His name was the same too, Aaron.
But then how many Aarons were there in America, and he was married with a daughter. Though she doubted that giving up his first kid meant that he wouldn't move forward with his own life. To be honest, it meant the opposite. But his daughter's name was Maria. Her mother's name. Was it totally unreasonable to believe that it wasn't a coincidence? And he looked just like his old passport photo. A little older, of course, more rough around the edges, and worn down just a little, but still quite handsome. When she looked at the passport photo she could see distinct similarities between them, almond eyes and high cheekbones, but she didn't get a good enough look at the man in Atlanta to really be able to remember. He was quite interested in getting to meet her as well that could just be chalked down to just her being a rising star, but the way he looked at her...
She sat up on her bed, pulling her laptop onto her lap turning on her search engine. Her fingers flew across her keyboard searching up How to find your birth parents without adoption papers?
Instantly was a page leading to links advertising finding individual birth records and connecting families and all the other stuff. She held her breath as she clicked the first link and put in all details.
"He's our son, Willa!" Yelled Malcolm after the deafening slam of a door. Aaliyah jumped, her heart skipping a beat at the outrage in his voice and she raised her head to her bedroom door. Aaliyah hadn't ever heard Malcolm yell like that before. She had been witness to Malcolm and Willa's arguments on many occasions, but they were never so terrible, "And we had no idea that as well as him dropping out of college, he was living with Maryam, for months. And you don't seem to be all that bothered."
"Don't tell me how I seem," Willa seethed, and then a moment's silence, "What can we actually do about it, Malcolm? He's an adult. He can make his own decisions, and if he wants to throw his life away for a feeble career that's his own business. I love my son, but I cannot say he's made the smartest decisions in his life."
"That's what you're thinking about?" Malcolm breathed out, his anger numbed by disbelief, "He's been living with my sister across the country for months when we were busy thinking he was just up in Connecticut. You're not upset that he wouldn't talk to us about such a huge decision before. We are his parents, for God's sake, and he couldn't talk to us."
"Because he knew exactly what we would say. There's no career in YouTube, no esteem or pride. He's chosen to be a starving artist, over a career that would demand the respect to be associated with a Waters," Willa snapped back, sounding disgusted, "If anything, I'm disappointed in your sister, who would listen to the whims of a child. Why wouldn't she speak to you about this mess? You throw your money at her whatever chance you get, and she repays you by keeping something like this from us. She takes you for granted, Mal."
"Is Will a child or an adult, Willa? Pick one," Malcolm argued in a cold voice, his voice starting to grow louder. Aaliyah wondered where exactly they were, "No wonder he refuses to talk to us. He didn't even come home for Christmas. We don't show him an ounce of the respect he's due. I knew one day he would drift from us because his own mother would rather pretend he doesn't exist than let him be happy."
"You do not get to talk to me about the happiness of our children," Willa hissed, her voice sending icicles down her throat, "Not when you haven't been prioritizing the happiness of two of our kids over your work and that girl—"
There was a loud bang that made Aaliyah curse below her breath. Did either of them know that she was in the house? "Don't start with that, Willa," Malcolm yelled back, "The lives of my children mean everything to me. You don't get to use Aaliyah to try to challenge that. Not when you can't even get over your prejudices against her."
"Prejudice?" Willa outraged in disbelief, her voice growing more distant now, "Is it prejudiced to believe that since she's been in my house, things have completely gone to..."
Aaliyah swallowed, her throat dry closing her hands into tight fists to keep herself from trembling. She had already decided that she wasn't going to leave the room at all when she heard another door open. It was a slow creak, more hesitant and Aaliyah felt her stomach drop, realizing that she wasn't the only one who had heard that argument.
She scrambled out of her bed throwing open her bedroom door bare feet, almost falling onto her face, and she caught sight of Jennifer's small body half out of her bedroom across the hall, looking down the staircase with an unreadable expression, her strawberry blonde hair up in a messy bun making her freckled cheeks more pronounced, and her green eyes wider and lighter, or maybe that was her anger, or sadness, or maybe both.
Aaliyah felt her heart bottom out when she met her gaze, and rage burned under the surface of her skin at Willa and Malcolm. No one should have to watch their parents break down right in front of them. She remembered all the times she and Blair would try and ignore them when they argued. Blair obviously found it easier, she had much more training. She told Aaliyah that they had been fighting forever, especially when it came to Will. And she found it horrible that Blair had become so desensitized to it that it was even a joke to her now, and her heart broke whenever Jenny would pretend to be the same, but Aaliyah knew it hurt her a lot more than Blair. She'd pretend to be strong and unbothered, but not everyone had Blair's strong resolve. Not everyone had the capability to keep everything that was fucked up in her life at arms' length.
And so with that, she stepped out of her own room, and pulled Jen back into her room, closing the door behind her. "Lia, you don't have to—"
"Bullshit," Aaliyah called out sitting Jen on her bed. Aaliyah had been in Jen's room on multiple occasions, and she was always impressed by the amount of character shown on just the four walls of her room just like Blair's room. The posters of The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Queen, and Guns n' Roses plastered haphazardly across the room, a shelf dedicated to Manga books and another for all her accomplishments from sixth-grade science fairs to talent shows and even a certificate for a Junior first aid master, and of course her guitar leaning against a stand by her desk. Unlike Blair, she was a lot neater and had her stack of books ordered nicely on her desk a pencil pot, a jar of colorful guitar picks, and a laptop placed too. Her bed was perfectly made and not a dirty sock insight.
Jen looked up at her with a cocked brow, and Aaliyah tried not to laugh. "Jen, you don't have to pretend that hearing your parents fight doesn't suck, okay," She said in a soft voice. Jen made a noise looking away, "Not to me." She said taking a seat on her bed beside her.
"To be honest, it's not something that really hurts anymore," Jenny said shrugging her shoulders, though she wouldn't look at her, keeping her gaze on the fur carpet in the middle of the room, "I don't really remember a time when my parents were happy, it's just annoying when I'm trying to do homework and their noise gets through my music."
Aaliyah frowned. "You didn't hear what they said?" She asked in a low voice, "About your brother. It can't feel good to hear that—"
"Not really," Jen said shrugging, lifting her gaze to hers, a mischievous smirk on her mouth, "I already knew."
Aaliyah's brows skyrocketed. "How?"
"Will told Blair, and she told me," She explained, "Unlike our parents, well technically just mom, Will got along with us just fine. He loves us, and to be honest, there wasn't much I didn't already know about him. I know when he lost his virginity. He told us about College months ago and about starting to take YouTube more seriously."
Aaliyah made a thoughtful noise, wondering why Blair wouldn't talk to her about Will. She tended to go on rants to her about a lot of things, her parents included, did she not trust her? "And if you're wondering why Blair didn't tell you, it's because she knew you would feel weird about keeping it from dad. She didn't want to put that on you. Or at least that's what she said." Jen continued, as though reading her mind.
Aaliyah was quiet for a moment thinking, and then she sighed. "Look," She said, "I'm not going to pretend like I really know what it's like, but I do want you to know that you're not weak for being sad about it. They're your parents and you love them, it's hard to see the people you love, fight."
Jen sniffed, squinting her eyes staring at the door. In the silence shared between them, they could hear the muffled yells of Malcolm and Willa. "Doesn't it though?" She asked in a distant voice as though thinking about something from long ago, "You and Blair do it, and you're some of the strongest people I know."
Aaliyah snorted. "I never claimed to be strong," She said shaking her head nudging her arm, "From my experience anyway, and I'm not saying it really makes much difference, but for me, it's usually the most broken people that hide that they're broken. Strong people own their scars, embrace their pain. Sometimes feeling your hurt is the strongest thing a person can do."
Jen looked up to meet Aaliyah's gaze, and Aaliyah felt her heart in her throat at the sight, but she pushed it down. This was Jen's time, she couldn't be there for her if she was wallowing in her own pit of despair. The glassy look in her eyes was heartwrenching. She had always wondered what it would be like to have a younger sister like Jen, and in the months that she had lived here, she had learned to love it, but she hadn't ever thought it could hurt this much. "Are you broken?"
Aaliyah smiled, bringing her in for a hug. "Everyone's a little broken, Jen. The world doesn't let anyone get away without being hurt," She said in a soft voice, "And maybe some people are a little more broken than others, but I read that once you're able to put yourself back together, you're stronger in the places where the cracks show. And I promise Jenny, you'll put yourself back together. You just have to own it, and want to be fixed."
Jen was quiet for a long moment, but Aaliyah didn't let her go. Even without her saying anything, Aaliyah knew it was what she needed, to be held, to feel safe enough to maybe even cry, even if she didn't. Another moment passed and Jen let out a noise halfway between a snort and a laugh. "It does suck." She said in a low voice, and Aaliyah couldn't help but laugh with her pulling from her to meet her gaze.
"You know what, how about we have a movie night with snacks to get your mind off things?" She offered, "We can re-watch Kevin Hart movies. They're always funny."
Jen grimaced. "As fun as an idea as that sounds, I don't see myself going downstairs in the middle of that warzone right now."
"That's a good point," Aaliyah thought mirroring her grimace. And then she stood up, feeling dread pool in her stomach as she realized what she was going to have to do. Jacks was busy at the practice, Blair wouldn't even answer her calls if she even tried, and there weren't many others she felt she was close enough to bring over for this except him. She groaned internally, "Let me go to my room and grab my phone. I'll make some calls and I'll get us burritos from and some more snacks delivered."
Barely an hour later, there was a knock on Jenny's door. Aaliyah and Jenny were sitting on her floor playing the Think Like a Man on her TV. Jen gave Aaliyah a look, and she only dropped a wink at him pulling herself off the ground and heading over to pull open the door, to see Xavier in his normal drip in a white hoodie with sun patterns down the length of his sleeves, grey shorts and white Jordans with rings glittering on his fingers and a new crucifix earring she hadn't seen before. Aaliyah had to breathe deeply when she came face-to-face with him, feeling a little self-conscious in her sweatpants and camisole and her hair that was falling out of its messy bun. "Xavier," She breathed out. Xavier didn't say anything either, his eyes darkened, making her feel the way she felt that night. She looked away instantly turning back to Jenny with a smile, "I told you I'd come through with snacks."
Jenny raised a brow at Xavier, who lifted the two plastic bags in his hand. "I heard you guys required some comfort food," He said handing the bags over to Aaliyah so he could pull off his sneakers.
Aaliyah returned to her seat with Jenny pulling open the bags. "Burritos, Delgato's famous empanadas, potato chips, licorice, chocolate," She gasped looking to Jen with bright eyes, "Velvet Oreos." She breathed out excitedly.
Jenny laughed looking at Xavier, who took his seat, cross-legged, on Jen's other side. "It's like you read her mind."
Xavier snorted, looking over at the TV. "Think Like a Man," He mused, in a thoughtful tone, "To be honest, Kevin Hart is so much funnier in his standup."
Jen raised a brow. "Argue with your mom," She said. Xavier cocked a brow, and Aaliyah raised her gaze to Xavier's who was staring back at her a little stupored. Aaliyah couldn't help but find him adorable.
She shrugged turning back to face the TV, a smile on her mouth taking out a burrito.
"Jen is so much more peaceful when she's asleep," Xavier observed, looking down at her, laying her head on Aaliyah's lap curled into a tiny ball between him and her, only letting out soft even snores.
It had been hours and they had watched all of Kevin Hart's standups after watching the first Ride Along movie. So suffice to say, the last few hours had been filled with choking belly laughs and the mood didn't seem to dim much after Jenny started to doze halfway through Let Me Explain, surprisingly Aaliyah and Xavier managed to keep their fit of laughs at his stories, imitations, and jokes to a minimum so that Jenny wouldn't be disturbed, but it was hard.
"I mean I guess that's the point," Aaliyah said running her hand through her hair absentmindedly, stroking her, almost like she was a pet. She could feel her every breath as she slept and Aaliyah didn't think she had ever felt responsible for another person like she did for Jenny, sleeping innocently in her lap like she trusted Aaliyah to keep her safe. It was a burden and a relief to her at the same time. It meant that wherever she went, she was anchored to someplace, she meant something to somewhere. When she left, she wouldn't just float out of oblivion, she would have left a mark, big or small, she would have made a difference, "I wonder if she's dreaming."
"I don't think that really matters," Xavier snorted, though a soft smile on his mouth as he looked at Jenny. Xavier adored Jenny, she realized. Today had shown that. She remembered how anxious she'd been in trying to build the nerve to call Xavier. Even before they kissed, Aaliyah hadn't actually actively tried to stay in contact with him unless it was something about work. Xavier wasn't one she had for a social call, even more so after, and she only ever saw Xavier now when she needed to, and that hadn't been much until the week before when they had gone on tour.
Waiting for him to pick up his phone had been torture. "Lia?"
Aaliyah couldn't help but release her breath, partly out of relief that he had answered, and also trying not to find comfort in the way he said her name. It hadn't changed and still made her heart skip a beat. "Hi," She breathed, pushing her hair out of her face shaking her head, trying to snap herself out of it, "Look, I know you don't owe me anything, or that hearing from me is what you need right now and I'm sorry, but I kind of need your help. Well, not me, Jen does."
Aaliyah imagined that he must have been alert at that. "What does she need?"
"Why not?" Aaliyah asked now, raising her gaze to his across Jen, who was still looking at her. He met her gaze with a shrug and a cool smile.
"Good or bad dreams, Jen's the type that'll enjoy them both," He answered, "It used to be a little concerning when she'd be describing a dream she had one time that was pretty gruesome at like nine and she didn't seem to be afraid or even realize that it was a nightmare, or at least would be one to someone else, but that's just how she was."
Aaliyah cocked an intrigued brow. Are you the type to taunt death, Jen? Aaliyah thought to herself, looking down at her thoughtfully, tinged with a little worry, and then she looked back to Xavier. "Thank you for coming," She said in a soft voice, trying to sound as genuine as possible, "You really didn't have to come."
"Of course, I did," Xavier said sitting up straighter, his expression somber, "You said that Jen was struggling because of her parents. You know, I know a little about things like that. And I care about Jenny."
Aaliyah nodded looking away. "I know," She said in a soft voice ducking her head, "I just worried that you might not want to because—"
"Regardless of whatever happens between us, I will always come when you need me," He said with a shrug, and he pulled a slow lop-sided smile that didn't make her smile back at him.
"I thought you couldn't be friends," She replied, her voice shaky despite herself.
Xavier was quiet for a moment, before letting out a deep sigh. "At first, I wanted to avoid you at all costs, but I suppose it's a lot harder than I thought," He started, his voice even, though Aaliyah could hear the sincerity in his voice, "I missed you. And I guess that I'd rather have you in my life as just a friend rather than not having you there at all."
Aaliyah sucked in a breath, holding his stare with wide eyes. He missed her. She wished she could say it back. She wished his words didn't hurt more than she thought they should, maybe it was because even as he said he'd have her as a friend than nothing else, Aaliyah truly wished he could be more.
She wanted so much from him. She knew that she'd be dumb not to admit it. But she owed so much to Jacks, and giving up what she had with him, felt like cutting an arm off. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find herself wanting to let go of either boy, no matter how hard she tried, Xavier still managed to weasel his way back into her life, and Jacks got under her skin.
Song lyrics floated into her brain, and she thought that the melody was familiar to her: You find a way/you find your way to me/You won't let me go/But I don't want you to set me free
"Though, I do have one question."
Aaliyah looked at him with a cocked brow, drawn out of her spinning thoughts allowing him to continue. "How good was I?" He started, "I never actually asked all those weeks ago. In your dream? Was I any good?"
Aaliyah blinked at him before she realized what he was talking about, and she felt her cheeks flush darkly, ducking her head to hide her smile. From the corner of her eyes, she could see him grin widely at her as though about to laugh. The first one she had seen from him in a while, and it made her heart warm. "Fuck you."
"How come we didn't invite Aaliyah?" Sol asked in a drawling tone holding the blunt loosely between her fingers, lying on her back on the studio floor of the warehouse.
Blair sighed, rolling her eyes. She opened her mouth to respond when Jacks beat her to it shooting her a look. "Because," He said, his voice raspy from the smoke, and he cleared his throat, "She said she needed to do some shit for school."
Chris snorted. "Haven't we all studied with Aaliyah? She has the attention span of a goldfish. She'd get distracted by the wind changing direction. I guarantee she's not doing shit right now."
"To be honest, I prefer hanging out with her than any of you guys. You're all a little too problematic." Sol replied sitting up, and at Chris' offended look she shoved him, "Sorry not sorry."
"Well it's not like your sunny disposition is all that great to be around either," Blair replied in a dry voice, not even looking at her, but on the sofa, which in the burning daylight appeared a bloody red rather than orange.
"Sorry, I thought a spoiled entitled bitch said something," Solana snapped back at her nastily, squinting at her.
Blair sat up glaring at Sol, ready to tear her head off, when Jacks followed suit. "You know, I thought we were hanging out to let off steam," He said shooting both Blair and Sol a look, "Can't we get back to that?"
"Chilling together seemed to be a lot easier to do a few months ago," Chris mused taking the blunt from Sol, "But I guess I used to ignore the lot of you a lot more back then anyway."
"Have we all changed?" Blair asked no one in particular, but out loud anyway. The question hung heavily in the air, and Blair started wondering how one person could storm into all their lives and change everything so that things didn't even make much sense when she wasn't there. Things didn't feel right. Blair had to admit, she missed Aaliyah a lot, she would probably be able to help Blair get out of this depressive state she found herself in. But she didn't think she could let her. She wanted to feel this emptiness, at least it serves as a reminder to her. That there is no one she can truly rely on.
Jacks sighed. Looking over at her with a thoughtful stare. Except for maybe Jacks, she thought, who had been there for her since childhood. Maybe Aaliyah had changed a lot of things, but she hadn't changed her relationship with Jacks. That was too rooted in their history to just pull out. Though she had changed Jacks, she could see it in his eyes, he seemed like he was always searching for something in other people that he only found in Aaliyah, never seeming quite satisfied with what he looked at, not even in Blair. He never seemed to smile fully anymore unless he was with Aaliyah. It was the look on his face that she hadn't seen since his mother died and his father abandoned him.
It hurt when she realized that there was a part of him that would forever be broken when Aaliyah breaks his heart. It was inevitable now. She knew it, she could see it, her guilt. She never spoke about it because it meant speaking to her, but she could see her guilt and her sadness when Jacks looked at her with all the love she couldn't give him, and the longing she had in her eyes when she looked at Xavier when they were on tour when she thought no one was looking. Blair didn't even think they would last, but it sucked all the same.
She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and she grimaced already knowing who it was. "I know you didn't want me to talk about it," Jacks asked in a low voice, low enough for only her to hear, "And I know that's what we do, but—"
"Jacks if you're going to ask about Max, I'm not sure I want to hear about it," She said interrupting him.
"But Blair—"
"You know a better conversation would be why you haven't told Aaliyah about your Uncle, or your parents for that matter," Blair asked accusingly, and Jacks blanched at her, as though hurt by her pointing out a fact, "You know she already knows about your parents. Zenith told you she told her. And if any of us know her, you know she's pretty much seething with impatience. As someone you supposedly love, shouldn't you want to tell her?"
Jacks was silent for a long moment, and Blair sighed running a hand through her hair exhaustedly. "You know it's the right thing to do," She said, in a bored voice, "And I'm not even trying to be an ass about it—"
"Aren't you?" Jacks retorted, scoffing incredulously sitting up and running a hand through his hair, "This is something you want to bring up to me now? When I was trying to bring up Max? You know I hate talking about my Uncle or my parents for that fact. That fucking hurts, and you know it. That's why you brought it up, so I'd stop talking, but Blair, this isn't the same thing. He hurt you, Blair, you know I was about to kill him when we found about Madison. And then I find out that for over a year you've been hooking up with him. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"It's none of your business, Jacks—"
"No, it's just my best friend letting herself get hurt all over again," Jacks said in a cold voice, "Whatever hurts you, hurts me, Blair. I thought you knew this."
Blair swallowed, looking away from his searing glare. Feeling tears burn the backs of her eyes. That had been his truth for as long as he and Blair knew each other, it had been each of their truths, which was why Blair hurt when she thought of Aaliyah and Xavier. "He's not hurting me, Jacks—"
"No, but you are," Jacks replied his voice soft, "Every time you go to him, you're hurting yourself. It's you believing that you couldn't do better than him, that you don't deserve better, but that's a lie. Everyone deserves more than being treated like what you want doesn't matter."
"Don't tell me," Chris said scooching over to Blair and Jacks. Both of them looked to him with narrowed eyes, but Christian must not have noticed or cared, because he continued with a raised brow, "We are talking about what happened between you and Max, right?" He said.
"Fuck off, Chris," Blair sneered looking away from him. Chris was probably the last person she'd ever talk to about her bullshit. In all honesty, she'd rather not talk to anyone about it, she'd rather pretend it didn't exist.
"Why? Because you know I'd tell you the same thing Jacks is. Max was an asshole, so are you, but you're my friend. So you didn't deserve what he did," Chris said in a serious voice, the most somber she had seen him in a while, "This should be something you acknowledge, or else you'd never grow from it. And the only way to acknowledge it is to talk about it."
"Chris is right," Sol added in a cool voice, "And I know we don't talk about things like that, but it's not right that we don't. Shit hurts, Blair, and I know that in ten years from now, that I don't want to be dealing with new pains plus our growing pains. It's not wrong to feel that pain now, let it in. You wouldn't be alone."
Blair looked around, feeling her anger surge in her chest as incredulity, and scoffed. "Are you kidding?" She demanded, looking at all the people she thought might be friends, and cocked a brow, "You're all talking so much shit, but Christian won't admit that he gets high because he'd rather live in a world that doesn't treat him like he might break if left unsupervised, Sol acts like she doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything, but she's just a little girl sad about her father's death and her mother's infernal bitching because you're gay, and Jacks is still broken from being left with a drunk Uncle who occasionally takes his fist to your mouth, and refuses to tell anyone about it. You've all got your bullshit, I've got mine, pretending like you've all got your shit together and lecturing me about mine, does nothing but make you a bunch of hypocrites." And with that and the horrified looks of her friends, she pulled herself off the floor, staggering a little from the high, and grabbed her bag, storming out the room before the guilt for what she just said could set in.
"Blair, where are you going?" Jacks called back.
Blair felt like she was about to scream. She refused to turn around because tears were already streaming down her cheeks. "None of your fucking business."