Chapter 20
Happy
Dali-dali ko nang inayos ang lahat ng gamit ko para makaalis na sa classroom. I made sure my notes are neatly placed inside my bag bago ko hinarap sina Angela at Daphne na hinihintay akong matapos.
"Let's go?" aya ko na.
Tumango silang dalawa at hinila na ako palabas ng room. Ako naman ay parang atat na atat na para makapunta na sa parking lot. Halos tumakbo na ako para agad na makarating doon. The class ended almost thirty minutes ago pero natagalan ako kasi may group meeting pa kami para sa thesis.
"Bye girls! See you tomorrow!" kumaway na ako sa dalawa para makaalis na nang nakarating na kami sa parking lot.
Daphne smirked. "Sure! Go on. Atat na atat ka na naman."
Tumawa si Angela. "Oo nga. Sus! Sige na! Bye na!"
I playfully rolled my eyes and just shrugged. "Whatever, girls."
Tinalikuran ko na sila para hanapin na ang kotse niya. It wasn't hard to find that flashy and shiny black Mercedes. I was already nearing it when I heard its horn sounded. Namataan ata niya ako. Lumabas siya sa sasakyan at agad umikot para pagbuksan ako ng pinto.
Even in such simple clothes, he still looks dashing. I can feel the people's stares on us kaya medyo nabahala ako. Good thing he was wearing shades. I couldn't afford him being the center of attention.
"You don't have to!" I chuckled nang nakalapit na ako sa harap niya.
"Come on, just go inside." Deonell smiled and winked.
Napailing nalang ako at pumasok na. He's been my driver for a month now. Hindi pa kasi umuuwi si Mom kaya wala pa siyang na-i-hire mula sa kaniyang "trusted" agency. She hasn't called Yaya for weeks now kaya 'di ko alam kung hanggang kailan ang set-up nato. Hindi nalang ako nagreklamo pa.
Umikot na si Deonell pagkatapos niyang isara ang pinto sa gilid ko para makapasok na rin siya. Nagsuot siya ng seatbelt bago ako hinarap.
"So, any plans?" he asked.
I paused to think. "Hmmmm...mall? May bibilhin ako sa bookstore, e. You know, may groupings na kami sa thesis. Kaya nga late ako ngayon. Did you waited that long?"
"No, I'm fine." aniya bago umayos sa pagkakaupo.
Tumango nalang ako at nag-ayos na ng seatbelt. He started the car and maneuvered it so we can go to the nearby mall. Sabi ko na sa BGC nalang kami pupunta at pinaunlakan niya 'yon. I preferred it here dahil medyo malapit lang sa village. Kung hahanapin na kami ni Yaya, mabilis lang kaming makarating.
I made sure that I wore a surgical mask bago ako lumabas ng kotse niya. Dumeretso na kaagad kami sa bookstore ng mall para hindi kami matagalan. He helped me pick some good books for our thesis. Buti nalang at kasama ko siya dito. He's a big help.
Overall, may napili kaming tatlong libro. We immediately headed to the counter para makapagbayad na. The cashier was a lady and still looks young. Makapal ang make-up at tingin ng tingin sa kasama ko. Deonell placed the three books on the counter para ma-i-punch niya na pero ang bruha ay tingin ng tingin sa kamay ni Deonell na nakapatong pa rin sa counter.
Kumunot ang noo ko at tinignan kung ano rin ang tinitignan niya.
It was Deonell's visible veins and muscles! Sa kamay niya! This cashier lady, ang landi-landi! She even look so mesmerized by the sight of it! The hell?
"Excuse me? What are you waiting for?" tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
"A-Ah, oo. Sorry po." paumanhin niya at nagsimula na sa pag-punch ng pinamili namin, "Ito lang ba lahat, Miss?"
My brows furrowed. "Obvious ba? Common sense, please."
The lady was taken aback and her eyes widened. Deonell was quick to touch my lower back and lean on the counter beside me. He looks alarmed.
"Yes, miss. That's all." agap niya kaagad, dahilan kung bakit humahagikhik na ngayon ang babae.
Nanliit naman ang mata ko. I wanted to glare at Deonell pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I almost shouted at the lady when she sensually tucked a few hairs behind her ears when she handed the paper bag to Deonell. I almost scoffed at such sight.
Bago pa maabot ni Deonell ang paper bag ay sumabat na ako.
"Bakit mo sa kaniya inaabot? Ako naman ang bibili." I crossed my arms.
"Einra..." he whispered, his hand was still on my back. He tapped it gently, as if telling me to stop scaring the lady.
I just rolled my eyes and get the paper bag myself. Parang takot na takot naman ang babae at hindi na umimik. Deonell was quick enough to hand her the money. I was about to argue about him paying instead of me but he just clicked his tongue, making me shut up.
Okay fine, Deonell! Okay, fine!
He was waiting for the change pero hindi ko na siya hinintay. I went out first without waiting for him. Bahala siyang makipaglandian doon. Not that I'm jealous or something. I just don't like seeing such scene. It irks me. Nakakadiring pangyayari.
I was a few meters away from the bookstore pero hindi pa rin siya nakasunod sa'kin. I stopped and looked back and it made me irritated even more. He's still talking to the cashier lady!
"This brute!" I muttered to myself.
I stormed out of the mall and went to the parking lot. Wala akong paki kung iniwan ko siya doon. Besides, he looks busy. Ayokong disturbuhin siya. 'Di ko naman alam na type niya ang mga gano'n. Dinaig pa ang clown sa kapal ng make-up.
I was leaning against his car with heavy breathing. Naiirita pa rin ako. I was even eyeing my reflection on his car's window and imagined myself with heavy make-up. Will it look good on me? Wait...what the hell am I thinking?! Ugh! This is so annoying! Damn it!
My phone rang, stopping my thoughts. Padabog kong kinuha 'yon at sinagot, hindi na nag-abala na tingnan ang caller ID.
"Hello?!"
"Einradelle, where are you?" it was Deonell.
Really, huh?
I rolled my eyes. "In the parking lot. I'm waiting, D."
I didn't wait for him to reply and just ended the call immediately. I want to go now! I don't want to stay in this place anymore! Naiirita na talaga ako! I swear, if he makes me wait any longer, I will surely throw a fit! I don't care if I'm being bratty or feisty or whatever! I don't care!
Hinahampas ko na nga ang paper bag na laman ang mga libro sa katabing sasakyan dahil sa inis. Wala rin akong paki kung makaka-damage ako or makita sa CCTV ng parking lot. I can pay! At hindi naman ako makukulong kasi hindi pa legal ang age ko. As I've said, I really don't care!
"Einra," hinihingal na bungad niya nang makarating na siya sa tapat ko.
He was still catching his breath when I raised my brow and looked at him. When he was done, kumunot ang noo niya. He looks like he wanted to ask me something pero nang nakitang nakabusangot ako ay hindi nalang. Yes, Deonell. Don't ask me anything. Bubugahan talaga kita ng apoy!
I was waiting for fifteen whole minutes for you, you brute!
I just rolled my eyes and pointed at his car. Nakuha naman yata niya ang ibig sabihin ko. He pressed a car key kaya nag-click ang lock. He was about to open the door for me pero mabilis ko na siyang inunahan. I almost hit his hand when I forcefully opened the car door and went in quickly. I even had the audacity to slam it. Nakita ko naman na napalunok siya sa labas.
Umikot siya at pumasok na. There was silence between us at wala akong planong basagin 'yon. I was eyeing his clothes mercilessly while he's putting seatbelt. Bakit ba kasi naka t-shirt siya! Ayan tuloy, kitang-kita ang veins niya sa kamay. Alam naman siguro niya na sobrang attracting itong tignan!
I heaved out an annoyed sigh and crossed my arms with force. I looked away, never wanting to face him. I can feel his stares, though. I thought he's gonna start the car already pero naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa likod ng head rest ng upuan ko.
"Are you annoyed over something? Hindi mo ako hinintay." he asked carefully and pointed out
I rolled my eyes dahil sigurado akong hindi niya kita iyon. "Hindi ako annoyed."
He leaned closer and I can see it on his reflection on the window where I am facing. He placed his free hand on my arms and tugged me gently.
"Oh yeah? I saw you hitting the car beside ours using the paper bag with the books." he pointed out again in a careful manner.
"Tss," I hissed, "Ang tagal mo kasi. Tinawagan na nga ako ni Yaya tapos ikaw!"
Sorry, Yaya. Pero let's just say na advance akong magisip.
"I'm sorry..." he whispered.
He was forming small circles on my arms with his thumb. I badly wanna stop him from doing that dahil nanghihina ako pero ayoko naman gawin. Damn it!
"You keep on talking with that annoying cashier lady!" I tried so hard to maintain my annoyance.
"I'm sorry. I just apologized to her."
"Really?" sabi ko at hinarap siya.
I purposely faced him para mawala ang kamay niya sa braso ko. Because if he continues on doing what he did awhile ago, talagang mawawala na ang iritasyon ko. And I don't want that!
"Really, Einra..." he said, his other arm is still on my back rest.
I glared at it dahil nakikita ko na naman ang pinagpapantasyahan ng babae kanina.
"I'm sorry I made you wait here. Hinanap pa kasi kita kasi bigla kang nawala." pukaw niya sa atensyon ko kaya napatingin tuloy ako sa kaniya.
He looks so worried. Sandali naman akong natigilan. What am I doing? Am I being feisty again? For a moment I felt a pang of guilt inside. I am acting irrational again. Nawawala na naman ako sa sarili ko at nagtataray na naman.
I blinked a several times as I saw him looking so worried about the way I'm acting right now. He looks confused, too. I realized I've been so cruel to him right now. We're all good when we left school and suddenly, I acted this way. Heto na naman ako!
My fear went back, washing away my annoyance. Ako na naman ngayon ang nabahala. Bakit ba kasi hindi ko mapigilan ang ugali ko?! Pumikit ako ng mariin at dahan-dahang nagbuntong-hinga. If I continue being feisty again...
"Yeah, right..." agap ko kaagad, "Let's go now. Hinahanap na ako ni Yaya."
Kinakalma ko na ang sarili ko ngayon. I don't wanna throw a fit again. I should really have self-control. Or else...
"But, you're annoyed. Let's go to the park again to clear your thoughts?" he offered.
He still looks worried. Na-ko-konsensya na talaga ako.
"Okay lang. Baka matagalan tayo. Hinahanap na nga ako diba?" sabi ko.
"Right..." his voice trailed.
He started the car for us to go now. Tahimik lang ako dahil nahihiya akong magsalita. I really hate why my attitude is like this. Ang dali-dali kong mainis pero ang dali-dali ko ring maiyak at makonsensya.
I throw a fit without even thinking if it was rational or not. I guess this will always be one of my flaws. Maybe I should control myself more than ever. My attitude is really unpleasing and if I continue being like this...who knows what will happen? Naalala ko na naman ang sinabi sa'kin nila Angela at Daphne noon. Right. I should really control my temper.
"Thank you so much for the ride, Deonell." sabi ko nang nakarating na kami sa tapat ng bahay.
Hindi siya sumagot at mariin pa rin ang tingin sa'kin. He was examining me carefully. I sighed because I know what he's thinking.
"No, I'm not annoyed anymore. Nainis lang ako kanina k-kasi...k-kasi ang tagal m-mo tapos h-hinahanap na ako." I was stuttering because I was nervous.
I heard him sigh. "Okay...wait here."
Lumabas siya sa sasakyan para pagbuksan ako. I took off the seatbelt and went out. I faced him and he still wears the same expression. Mas lalo lang akong nakonsensya. Being with him for months now made me discovered something. He doesn't want to see people being annoyed by him that's why he'll do anything to ease it.
I really need to do something about this. God, Einradelle! You stupid bruha!
"I'm sorry...for being feisty." Again.
"No, you're not." umiling siya. I don't know if he's saying that for me to not feel bad or he really mean it. Alam niya kasi kung gaano ako nababahala sa salitang 'yan. "You're just annoyed."
I don't want to argue about anything anymore kaya nagpaalam na ako sa kaniya. Before I went outside, he told me he'll text me later. Pumayag naman ako as always.
I was sulking when I went inside the house. I questioned myself why I acted that way kanina and I know the answer. But, I don't want to believe it nor accept it. I also asked myself why I lied about Yaya Imelda looking for me. It's safe to say that I was just annoyed by the cashier's lack of common sense.
"Einra?" a familiar voice from behind made me stop from climbing on the stairs.
Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. I don't want to face her yet. My grip on the railings tightened. It was hard for me to ignore her but I did it anyway. Kahit tinawag niya ang pangalan ko ay hindi ako lumingon at nagpatuloy sa pag-akyat patungo sa kwarto.
Isinarado ko kaagad ang pinto at napasandal doon. Mom's here already? Really? After months of absence, nandito na siya? I scoffed at myself. Oh wow, she's here to piss the hell out of me again. Kakasabi ko palang sa sarili ko na kontrolin na ang ugali ko pero heto na naman siya. Great. Just great!
Wala akong planong magpakita sa kaniya kaya hindi ako bumaba nang tinawag ako ng isang kasambahay for early dinner. Nagdahilan ako na kumain na ako at may gagawin ako na mga school works. I replied to Deonell's text messages and kept myself busy by reading the books we bought.
Hindi naman ako makapag-focus. I am still thinking about Mom coming home already. Why didn't I know about this? Is she really that busy para hindi manlang ako ininform? Yeah, right. Ni hindi nga niya magawang tumawag sa'kin, ang i-inform pa kaya ako? How can I forget what type of a mother she is?
Deep inside, I know I still longed for that better mother-daughter relationship. I also know I should stop longing for it dahil malabong mangyari. She keeps denying about me being an unwanted child but I know the truth. I am an unwanted child of hers. I can clearly see it in her actions.
A knock on my door cut my thoughts. I sighed wearily to get up and open it. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko nang makita kung sino iyon.
"M-Mom?" my lips parted with shock.
"Einra!" she smiled widely at ipinakita ang dala niyang mga paper bags. "I bought you presents! Here!"
Pumasok siya at walang sabi-sabing umupo sa kama ko. She placed the paper bags on my wide bed and roamed her eyes around my room.
"Come!" she gestured me to come closer.
I heaved a deep breathe. Self-control, Einra. Self-control.
Just like what she said, lumapit nga ako sa kaniya. She made me sit beside her and I obliged. Ipinakita niya ang maraming paper bags na nakapatong sa kama and mas lumapit sa'kin.
"Check it!" she sounded so excited.
"What is this all about, Mom?" pagod kong tanong.
Is she doing this for a reason? My Mom never bought me things before. Laging si Yaya Imelda ang bumibili ng mga gamit ko, the money came from her of course. Wala siyang panahon para bilhan ako ng mga damit dahil hindi naman ako mahalaga sa kaniya.
This is actually the first time. After 17 years, she has finally bought me something and I hate how I'm slightly happy because of it. No one can blame me. One of my childhood wishes just came true. A little late, though. But I couldn't help it but question her actions. Why is she doing this?
She held both of my hands and squeezed it. She caressed it gently and smiled at me.
"For forgiveness. I hope you'll forgive me already." she sounded hopeful.
Parang may humampas na matigas na bagay sa puso ko. Halos hindi ako makahinga dahil sa galit. Why is the world so cruel to me?
"Ah," pait akong ngumiti, "For forgiveness. And here I thought you bought me all of these for presents."
"Einra..." she looks alarmed now. Her hands left mine and used it to cover her mouth.
"Hindi ako kagaya ng iba na makakalimutan ang lahat kapag binilhan ng mamahaling bagay. You think so lowly of me."
Is it really hard for her to say sorry? After making me upset for so many things? I am really not the type to hold grudges. Believe me. If a person apologizes to me, mawawala na talaga ang inis ko. And she thought she can attain forgiveness through material things.
Sadness creep inside of me as I watched her go silent. I was slowly hoping that she read between the lines. I just wanted her to say sorry. That's all. Just one single sorry and everything will be okay. But instead, her forehead creased.
"Ano pa ba ang gusto mo, Einradelle? Ang makipagbalikan ako sa ama mo? Para mapatawad mo ako? Ano?!" her voice raised.
Napasinghap ako. I blinked several times to stop the tears from flowing.
"That's not what I meant—"
"You know what?!" tumayo siya at galit na hinarap ako, "Just throw all of these if you don't want it! My efforts are just wasted! How can I forget how ungrateful you are?!"
She stormed out of the room, leaving me in pain. She slammed the door so loud that it almost made me jump. Napahagulhol ako at napahiga sa kama. The tears I tried to hold back flowed freely now.
Like a little child, I sobbed and sobbed under the comfort of my pillow. I cried my heart out and didn't mind how long I was doing it. I just need to cry and I will be okay afterwards.
I guess I couldn't accept the fact that our relationship will never be better. And I hate having this kind of hope inside. Pakiramdam ko...hindi pa sapat ang lahat ng karanasan ko mula sa pagkabata. How ironic. No matter how much I hate my Mom for being this kind of mother, I still hoped for a better relationship with her.
It took me minutes before I was able to calm down. After crying my heart out, I'm okay again. The toxins are out, time to move forward.
I want to divert my attention into something kaya hinanap ko ang cellphone ko. It displayed a notification when I opened it.
Audy:
Hoy nandito si Liv. Punta kami diyan?
I smiled at her message. They must have heard that my Mom came home already. Alam nila na hindi maayos ang relasyon namin kaya siguro pupunta sila dito. I replied "okay" to them at nag-ayos na ng sarili. I don't want them to see my swollen eyes. They will worry again at hindi ko gusto 'yon.
Me:
Deretso kayo sa kwarto
I sent that text after I finished fixing myself. Ayokong bumaba at makita si Mom.
After a few minutes, I heard knocks on my door. Pinagbuksan ko na kaagad sina Audy at Liv na may dala-dalang paper bags. They both hugged me as soon as they saw me on the other side of the door.
"I miss you, bruha!" si Liv at mas lalong hinigpitan ang yakap.
I haven't seen her for almost two months. She's been on hiatus for unknown reasons.
"I can't breathe, you bitch!" singhal ko at tinapik siya ng malakas sa balikat.
"Aray ko! Bruha ka!" singhal niya pabalik at hinimas ang balikat.
I just smirked at her habang nagmamaktol na siya. Audy was eyeing me with concern in her eyes. I playfully rolled my eyes on her dahil nag-aalala na naman siya. I don't want to be the cumbersome one among all of us.
Pumasok na sila sa kwarto ko. Pumwesto kami sa mga sofa ng kwarto ko at inilagay naman nila ang dalang paper bags sa ibabaw ng coffee table. I was about to ask what's inside nang inunahan na ako ni Audy.
"Deonell bought some foods for you. He told me you're upset over something after Yaya Imelda called. I figured out that it must be because of Tita Nuelle kaya...I asked Liv to come over. Hindi na siya sumama at pinadala nalang dito ang biniling pagkain."
I was stunned by the sudden revelation. I couldn't even utter a word. I was just looking at them while blinking several times. I am feeling guilty again for the lie I made. How can he be so thoughtful after everything?
My thoughts were just disturbed when Liv scooted over and touched my jaw, forcing it to go up.
"Ayan! Nakanganga ka kasi!" humalakhak siya.
Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko!
"You!"
"Kinikilig ka?" patuloy na pang-aasar niya sa'kin.
"H-Hindi 'no!" nautal ako dahil sa tanong niya.
I just looked away and opened the paper bags. A famous logo was imprinted on it. Agad naman akong natuwa nang makita na pasta ang laman nito at may mac and cheese na nakalagay sa isang plastic container. May hot choco din na nakalagay. These are all my favorites. I just smiled as I took it out and decided to eat it later.
Patuloy pa rin ako na inaasar ni Liv at wala man lang akong magawa. Gustong-gusto ko na talaga siyang paalisin dito. If only I didn't appreciate her effort of coming here, ginawa ko na talaga. Sinisita na nga siya ni Audy pero hindi pa rin siya tumitigil.
"Akalain mo 'yon, tumitiklop na ang malditang bruhang 'to!" humalakhak na naman siya.
"Liv, stop it! Ang ingay mo!" sita na naman ni Audy.
Talagang sumusobra na talaga ang bruhang 'to!
"Tumahimik ka nga! At least hindi ako desperadang babae na katulad mo!" I fired back at her, making her speechless.
Her lips parted at nanlaki ang mata. "Foul 'yon bruha ka!"
I just rolled my eyes. Sinita na naman kami ni Audy kaya tumahimik nalang kaming dalawa. Naiinis na kasi siya. At nakakatakot kapag magalit ito sa amin. Lalo na sa parte ni Liv. Talagang wala na siyang source sa lahat ng school works niya kapag nangyari 'yon.
They started talking about their college life at hindi naman ako maka-sabay. Audy decided to take Nursing for her pre-Med course. She's finally taking the first step towards her dream profession. Si Liv naman, kahit hindi pinangarap ang maging Doctor, ay Nursing ang piniling course. Ang mga bagay na nagagawa niya para sa kaniya. She's indeed desperate.
It's almost 8 o'clock in the evening and they are still talking. Nakinig nalang ako at kinain ang biniling pagkain ni Deonell. I will text him later after I finished eating. Sumasabat naman ako sa usapan ng dalawa kapag may gusto akong sabihin.
"Liv, sigurado ka na ba sa kursong 'yan?" kunwari nag-aalinlangang tanong ko.
"Bakit?" kumunot naman ang noo niya at binalingan ako.
I eyed her from head to toe and shook my head, feigning a dismayed look. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata niya, her nose is even flaring now.
"Bruha ka talaga! Ano na naman 'yang iniisip mo? Akala mo ba hindi ko makakaya ang kursong 'to! See for yourself!" putak niya.
"Oy, wala akong sinabi." I defended myself and raised both of my hands.
Bago pa ako hagisan ni Liv nang throw pillow ay pinigilan na siya ni Audy. Ako na naman ngayon ang humalakhak at tinuro ang mukha niyang pikon na pikon. 'Yan kasi...'wag kasi akong asarin. Talagang babawi talaga ako. Alam naman niya na walang makakatalo sa'kin pagdating sa asaran.
"Kids..." umiling si Audy, pinching her nose bridge.
Ngumisi nalang ako. I totally forgot of what happened awhile ago. I am grateful of their presence but I won't say it to them. And also...
I look at the foods in front of me. I took out my phone and opened our message thread to type a message.
Me:
Tysm for the food!
At least, I still have certain persons in my life that can make me happy. That can chase my blues away. And I am very grateful for it. I closed my eyes to whisper a prayer and thank Him for letting me have them in my life.
***
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