Chapter 39
"Thanks for the ride," I tell Lou, hands on the door ready to open it.
He winks at me, "anytime."
I can't help blushing before I get down the car, closing the door after me and waving at him. I watch his car reverse a bit and drive up, leaving a little sand at it's wake. It's a freaking BMW but of course I've known this, I just never thought I'd ever be inside it. The scent of his brown leather seats, cologne and something else follows me as I walk further into the beach. The further I go, the more the scent disappears and is replaced with that of the ocean.
I've never been to the beach this time of the year, it's so cold and I can't even dream of getting into the water. The cold waves splash against themselves, the wind blowing really hard and I pull my coat closer wondering what Sky's doing here and why he wants to meet here. My heart pounds and I just hope he isn't still mad at me, I just want things back to the way they were.
There's about just three people here, it's the emptiest I've ever seen these sands and it doesn't take me a long time to spot Sky. Well, the first thing I see is the odd red bench and his black hair blowing around with the wind. I swallow, clearing my throat and walking up to him.
Sky has an earphones on so he doesn't hear me approach him and I get the chance to stop by the bench and just look at him. He truly is beautiful with his glowing skin and pink lips. My eyes trace over his features; his brows, hooded eyes, straight small nose, lips, everything and I feel a certain ache in my heart.
I want him.
"We should take a picture," I hear him say and I blink, startling back to reality.
"W-what?"
He turns to me with a smile, taking out his earphones. "We don't have any pictures together."
I clear my throat again, walking into his view. "Not yet, but there's that dance ball picture."
"Oh," he shakes his head. "I almost forgot about that."
"Yeah..." I awkwardly stand there knowing I've poked at a bar memory.
"When do we get the picture?"
I shrug, "probably next year. I doubt anybody is interested in pictures now with exams and all coming up."
Sky nods, "still, no phone pictures of you and I."
I glance at the clashing waves, then back at him. "Want to take one now?"
Sky looks at me and I blink at him, trying to read his look. It's one of longing and...sadness? But then he smiles and it's so good I almost believe it's real. "Nah, probably for the best. I won't be able to look away from my phone."
"Hmm."
He pats the bench, "sit."
I touch the beautiful bench and I smile, "you finally brought it here."
"Yeah, my dad helped." His finger traced over it. "But it stands out oddly, aye?"
I nod, "a bit but it's beautiful. It's a nice change and many people would love it."
"I hope."
Silence settles upon us and he's back to watching the ocean and I'm back to watching him. My body works ahead of my brain and my hand reaches out to hold his. Sky slowly looks down at my hand on his and strangely, in this kind of weather, he's warm.
"I've missed you, Sky."
"Me too, Israel."
"Where did you disappear to? I've been trying to reach you."
He gulps, "I had to clear my head. I'm sorry."
"Are you okay?" I ask, my voice scratchy despite all the clearing I tried to do.
He shakes his head negative.
I frown, "what's wrong? I-is it me?"
"C-can you do this in public?" He asks instead, eyes still stuck on mine over his. "I mean, with people around?"
I look at my hand over his and I take it back. "Sky-"
"How are things with Darcy?" He cuts me off.
I nod, my head feeling heavy with all the racing thoughts. "Fine for now."
"Good, I'm happy for you."
"Sky, I'm sorry."
He turns to look at me and I notice his cat eyes are glassy. "For what?"
I get stuck. I just look at him forgetting everything I wanted to say. His eyes...
"For not being able to be with me or for being with me?" Tears pool in his eyes and I feel the world beneath me falling apart.
"Sky-"
"Don't apologize," he looks away, using the sleeve of his jacket to wipe his eyes. "I know."
We stay silent and I finally recognize the mood around. I read the words on the sea and I know everything is not going back to the way it was.
"I knew it and yet I jumped right in. I thought I could do it you know and for a while I could but then whatever it is— body chemicals, my heart, hormones — fucked it all up by falling in love." He reaches for my hand although he doesn't look at me and he play with my fingers. "You're amazing Israel, the best thing that has happened to me in a really long time. Every moment with you, both the bright and dark, is completely cherished by me. I got super lucky getting to know someone like you and I'd never regret it and I'd never have chosen a different path."
Something is pulling at my heart and scratching on it with long painful sharp fingers. It hurt... It hurt so bad and my vision is getting blurry.
Sky laughs humorlessly, "we aren't even together and yet this has to be one of the most painful break ups in history."
"Sky-" my cheek got wet, voice breaking and that's how I find out I'm crying.
He turned to me and he isn't crying but the rims of his eyes are bloodshot red. He smiles and reaches out with his palm to wipe my tears. "Don't cry, if your plan is to get ugly. You're failing."
I start shaking my head, "I don't-"
"Shh," he stops me with a finger on my lips. "I have to go, please don't tell me to stay. Let me be the bad guy."
No.
He looks away back to the ocean, back to my fingers. "There's something I didn't tell you, I was going to eventually but I guess the timing never came or I was just too scared too." Pause. "When I said I was supposed to die instead of Charlotte, I literally meant it."
"W-wha... How?"
"I was born with a brain tumor," he says and the wind stills. "I got surgery at two and another one at 15. That's why I was homeschooled all those years, my dad was too scared to let me out of his sight. I got better but now it's back and I need surgery again. I've been getting all these headaches and nosebleeds."
Jesus. I am dumbfounded.
"My mum reached out and in a week, I'm going back with her. I don't think I'm coming back, Issy."
"Sky, oh my God!"
"I'm sorry, again."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"What would it have changed?" He asks. "Nothing."
"I would've known and-" and what?
"Loved me back?" He chips in and when I look at him he smiles. "Kidding."
"Sky!" I smack his shoulder and he laughs.
"Easy Issy, I just told you I'm sick."
"Sorry," I immediately apologize and thinking back it all makes sense now. The tiredness he usually gets, even on the football field. The disappearance... Everything. "A-are you g-going to be okay?"
He lifts his shoulders up in a shrug. "I don't know."
My fingers latch on his and he looks at me, "I-I don't want to 'break up'"
He smiles but it looks super painful. "Me too."
"Then let's not, I'd-" I look at our fingers. The different skin colours, his hands and I don't want to let go. "I'd wa-"
"No."
I look at him and he furiously wipes at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. The pain in my heart gets too much, I can barely breathe. "Please."
"Israel you're not ready for me."
"I am." It's the truth and a lie all at the same time.
"I want to be with you in ways you can't be with me. It's suffocating and I hate causing you pain... Like on that night."
"It wasn't you that night," I quickly defend. "It was..." Who? "Darcy. It was all because of Darcy."
"It shouldn't be," he looks away. "I would've followed you anywhere, even to your parents and the church and everywhere."
God, it hurts.
"I'm sorry."
"No, Issy, I am not blaming you or anything. It's just how it is and how things are now with you and I understand you need more time and I'm supposed to be here all through but I can't anymore and I'd probably regret this my entire life."
The pain gathers in my eyes but I struggle to hold the tears in. "Would you come back?"
"I don't know, I don't think so. I think we find our selves in particular places in life with particular destinies to fulfill and when that's done, we either leave that part behind or life altogether. I think I'm done with my destiny here."
"With me."
"Don't wait, don't think what ifs. We had a beautiful ride and got life lessons from it all. I don't regret loving you Israel, you were really fun."
I look up at him with a frown. "How can you love me and still say that?"
He shrugs, "I'm letting you go because I love you and you should let me go too for the same reason."
"I don't want to."
"Please."
I look at him and just then his nose starts bleeding. That's when the break down finally comes, my eyes blurring over as the tears rake through my chest. I grab Sky, pulling him to my body in a tight hug and crying out my heart. "Don't die."
"I'll try."
"And you're wrong," I run my fingers through his hair. "You weren't meant to die instead of Charlotte. You wouldn't be here if not and I'd wouldn't have loved you like I do."
His body shakes and he holds me tighter.
"Because of you I learnt to love myself and another person and the only thing I regret is not being able to hold you more."
His hand slowly pats my back. "This is good enough for me."
We stay silent the rest of the time and I just hold him there like it's the last time. It might be and for the moment, it frightens me so bad. Holding him there I realize he's right; it's not fair to him that he doesn't come first in my life. It's not fair that we have to hide around and can't be together like we want. It's not fair that we kiss and after that I push him away. It's not fair at all and he deserves better.
And I'm really not ready. I'm not ready to hold his hand when walking around school. Kissing without any fears, pulling him closer when someone barges in and questions what we have together. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I need to do it alone. He has shown me the right way, he has opened my eyes to the world now it's up to me to decide whether I want to walk over it or let it walk over me.
I like him a lot but that's not enough to keep him by my side.
"Be happy, no matter what." He says, fisting his hand around my shirt.
I close my eyes taking in his scent as much as I can. My cat eyes...
I won't ever forget you
And maybe that's the only forever
The two of us together
Were ever meant to have
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Don't attack me! Did anyone see that coming? Share your thoughts.
That last quote is what inspired this entire book and yes, Israel and Sky were good but they weren't meant to be together. I was planning on breaking the who, 'first love forever' thing. Happened to me too, I can't be with my first love because our genotypes aren't compatible— sucks big time — I'm still trying to get over it and moving on. It happens, for Issy and Sky it's the internal homophobia and all the growth Israel still needs. He's not ready for a relationship yet and Sky loved him enough to understand that. I have also been trying to hint Sky's illness throughout the book, don't know if y'all caught on but I didn't want to blow it out so much so...
I think this is the last chapter for this book. There might be an epilogue kind of chapter soon though but... Hold on...
THERE'S A SECOND BOOK! Yeah, you read that right. It's been the plan all along, I'm not done with Israel's story and while this book might have been a bit boring, gloomy and slow, the next book is going to be different and much more fun. It's titled "When Love's not Sin" coming out immediately after I've completed wrapped this up.
Edit: now called "Sinful Devotion".
Vote and comment, I love you all and thanks for being here until now.