Kitty's p.o.v
How to ruin a relationship in three days, an excerpt from my life, circa... the past three days.
Day one:
"Flight 238 SDF to BOS now boarding." Chris grabbed our bags wordlessly while I grabbed Jay. The silence that now enveloped us all the time was heavy with unsaid words, three words in particular that seemed to cause more trouble than they were worth. I don't think Chris had said more than four sentences to me since our fight last night. He wouldn't let me explain, he didn't want to talk about it around Jaylee, so I guess if we get home and he still doesn't want to talk then we can consider it a class A problem.
The flight felt much longer since sleep seemed to escape me, and Chris was obviously ignoring me something fierce. Lee would talk occasionally, but for the most part her eyes stayed glued to the movie I'd set up for her to watch on my phone. Toe taps, nail bites, shaking knees, and mindless humming later we arrived in Boston, the place that had come to feel like home, unloading as quickly as we could so we could get our bags and get out, hopefully without being noticed.
"So, we should probably either get food or go ahead and go to the store before we go home, I doubt we have anything to eat there." You'd think I would've learned I wasn't going to get answers today, but my heart still throbbed a little more when the car stayed silent. Chris stayed mute as he pulled into a drive through, the only words he spoke were to ask what we wanted and to order. My polite Chris didn't even say thank you when receiving the food, he just gave them a curt nod.
I loved how oblivious Jay could be, I wish I could be as oblivious as her sometimes. None of this seemed to be affecting her in the slightest, even though the tension that hung in the air as we ate our food was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but it definitely would have to be a sharp one. Ain't no dull knife cutting through something this thick. Chris didn't offer to help get Jaylee ready for bed like he usually did, he just watched as I lifted her into my arms and walked away. He didn't tell her good night, he just gave her a kiss on the head and a quick tuck of the covers. He wasn't Chris, he was barely even a shell of my Chris.
"You know you're hurting her, right? I understand you're mad at me, but please don't take it out on her." He stalked towards me quickly, coming to a stop only an inch before running into me completely, towering over me with a dark look in his eyes. Who is he?
"Don't tell me you understand, you could never. I'm not the one hurting Jaylee, you are." With that, he turned on his heel and walked into our room, slamming the door behind him. Well, I guess I'm not sleeping in there tonight.
Day two:
"Mommy, why daddy no talk?" I opened my mouth to answer, but was cut off by Chris' voice.
"I just don't have much to say Jay babe, your mom knows the feeling well." Shocked. That was the only emotion I could feel in that moment. This was us keeping her out of it? That passive aggressive remark was us keeping her out of it? I call bullshit.
"That is enough Christopher! If you are finally ready to talk like a big boy then let's talk, but don't you dare drag her into this when your claim to want to keep her out is the reason we haven't resolved it yet in the first place." His jaw clenched in anger, the normal clear blue of his eyes clouded with a storm.
"I haven't been talking because I don't have anything nice to say to you Katherine." I stood abruptly from the table and grabbed Jaylee.
"We're leaving."
"Like hell you are! She's my baby now too sweetheart, and I don't want you taking her anywhere." I could feel Lee stiffen in my arms at his harsh tone, and knew in that moment that something had to be done. Not for our sake, or the sake of our relationship, but for her sake. For my sweet, innocent baby who had no clue why mom and dad were at each other's throats.
"Not now." Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say.
"Not now? Not. Now? Then why the fuck did you bring it up in the first place! The silent treatment was working fine until you called me a baby for it. You don't want to talk? Fine! Get the fuck out of my house." He took a menacing step towards us, his arm extended with his finger pointing toward the door. "I don't ever want to see your whore ass again."
"Will you at least let me pack some things for Jaylee and I?" My calm composure seemed to break him a little bit, but not enough for him to see reason.
"Pack as much of your shit as you can carry and get out." I nodded, shushing Jay gently when she began to cry.
"I'll be back tomorrow to pick up the rest of our stuff." He didn't respond, the only part of him that even showed he was listening were his eyes that followed my movements.
I didn't know where we'd go, maybe we could visit Chelsea for a few nights or something while I get my feet back under me. God, I'm glad I didn't stop looking for an apartment like I said I would. A few calls, and I could possibly get us in there by the end of this week. Chris watched me load my car with the few things I'd packed, and it wasn't until I was pulling out of the driveway that reality sank in for both of us. He'd just kicked me out, and I'd let him. We'd done the exact thing we said we'd never do to Jay in under a month of co-parenting. Aren't we just a couple of dipshits?
~~~~
"I'm so sorry Kitty, you and Jay can stay as long as you need, you know that." I gave Chelsea a thankful smile, so glad that I had a friend like her.
"I'm hoping I can get into my apartment by the end of this week. It shouldn't be too big of a problem."
"Apartment? What apartment? You live with Chris."
"Yeah, about that..." I rubbed at the back of my neck guiltily.
"Katherine Hughes! This is exactly why you and Chris are fighting in the first place! Do you know how excited he was when you agreed to move in with him for real? He was practically skipping when he came to pick up Jay the next morning. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face because he was so excited. You and Jay mean so much to him, and you doing all this stuff even when he's shown you he cares is why he's so hurt." The rational part of me knew what she was saying was true, but the cynic in me also thought it was preaching the gospel of how to avoid heartache.
"But I can't depend on him, can I? Why else would I be here, bags packed with random stuff and an agreement to get the rest tomorrow? Because even love has its limits."
"No! You pushed it to its limits by not embracing it! You can't straddle the fence and not expect to get pulled to one side eventually."
"I'll... I'll try to talk to him again tomorrow. Will you watch Lee?"
"Of course! Just please, for all of our sake's, fix this."
Day three:
Do I dress normal, or do I dress sexy? I'm going to have to at least pretend like I'm going to work. Shit, if we don't come to some sort of agreement I will be working. Normal clothes it is. I tied my tennis shoes and pulled my hair up into a ponytail before walking out of the room to meet the girls. They had both just waken up, so they were groggily munching on cereal, bleary eyed and spaced out.
"I'm headed out guys, I'll be back later." All sleepiness left Jay's body as she sprinted towards me to give me a goodbye hug, her little grip the tightest I'd ever felt it.
"Don doe mommy! Stay!" I bent down so I was at her level and kissed her cheek, pushing some stray curls out of her eyes.
"I have to go, but I'll come back super fast okay?" She fiddled with her fingers for a moment, finally looking up at me with the most desperate look she'd ever given.
"Are you dunna weave wike daddy?" Oh god, please no. Not yet.
"Of course not my love! I could never leave you, and Chris isn't leaving you either baby. We're just... we're having a disagreement right now, but I promise it'll get better sometime. Until then, I want you to know that it will always, always, be you and me. If the whole world goes away I'll still be here waiting for and loving you. Got it?" She hugged me once more around the neck, and it was my turn to squeeze.
"Dot it. I wuv you Mommy." I kissed her cheek again and stood up.
"I love you too sweet girl. I'll be back later, okay? Have fun with aunt Chi Chi, but not too much fun without me. Be good. I love you!" You can do this Kitty, for Jay.
I drove to Chris' home, the butterflies in my stomach beating harder and faster than they have in a long time. This whole situation is one I'd hoped we'd never come to, not since we brought Jaylee into it. Do what you want to me, but don't hurt my baby. Chris was a good guy, maybe even a great one, that much I knew. I also knew that no matter how he was feeling about me right now, he loved Jaylee. Maybe, just maybe, that was enough to make this work.
The building loomed in front of me before I was ready, those butterflies growing to twice their normal size and beating their wings ten times faster than they were before. I cut off the car and took a moment to compose myself. You and Jaylee don't need anyone Kitty, you haven't ever needed anyone. Were there people the two of you liked having around? Of course! Chris was undoubtedly one of them, but we got along just fine before he came along, we could go back to that... couldn't we? I shook myself of my thoughts and walked up to the door rapping my knuckles on the painted wood.
"Who the fuck..." Was the mumbled response I heard before the door swung open to reveal an obviously hungover, more than likely fresh out of bed Chris Evans. His hair was a mess and his eyes had dark circles under them. The clothes he had on were wrinkled and I'm pretty sure they were the ones he wore yesterday, but if that wasn't enough proof of last night's activities the stench of beer that wafted off him was all you needed to confirm it. And yet, somehow, he was still the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on. "Kitty... I... what're you doing here? I didn't expect to see you."
"I came to pick up our stuff, remember?" What little life that had sparked in his eyes left immediately at my words.
"Oh, right." He moved to the side so I could come in, and it didn't pass my notice how big of a wreck the place was. Stuff was strewn around the house, though, all of Jay and my stuff was still perfectly placed. Beer bottles littered almost every surface, and wrappers to various food items were scattered on the floor.
"Wow." He looked more than a little embarrassed, probably knowing that I was well aware of what had went down in our absence. He threw a party... a pity party for one. "Before I start packing though..."
"Yeah?"
"Let's talk. For real this time, no Jay, no passive aggressiveness, no beating around the bush. Let's just talk." He nodded vigorously, pointing to the couch for us to sit. He hastily picked up the random things in my way and threw them to places they most definitely did not belong, but at least they were no longer in our space. Once we were both seated, I leveled him with a look.
"I miss you already, I miss Jay too, more than I thought was possible. You two are the lights in my life right now and I don't like living without you." 'Right now'. What about a year from now? Will we still be his light then? Or will we just be inconveniences?
"We miss you too, but we can't come back and pretend that nothing is wrong when there is obviously something very wrong. It would be like living in a mine field waiting for one of us to step on the subject and the other explode. In other words, miserable."
"I know." We were met with a loud silence, neither of us knowing where to begin.
"I don't mean to hurt you Chris, you know that, don't you? I think... I think it's hard for me to say with confidence that I, you know..."
"Love me? You can't even say it. That's what bothers me. Do you tell Jay you love her, or is that word your own personal cuss word? I don't get it. I don't understand why it's so hard. Do you like being around me?"
"Yes, of course. You've heard me tell Jay I love her." He seemed a little surprised to here the word come out of my mouth.
"Do you want to be with me?"
"In every way, Chris."
"Do you love me?" God did I want to just say it! Just say yes, just tell him... tell him that I...
"I don't know how!" His brows furrowed in confusion, but I was seeing clearly for the first time. "I don't know how to love you because I've never been taught. By the time I was really thinking about that type of love my parents died, and god knows my brother wasn't going to teach me. I thought I had it with Cason, but apparently it was all fake! How am I supposed to tell you I love you when I don't even know what that means!"
I hadn't even realized I was tearing up until I felt one begin to slip down my cheek. With a quick swipe I brushed it away, willing the others to stay back. Why couldn't life just throw me a bone? Even when it gave me Chris it obviously was laughing at how easily I jumped for it since it was attached to a string that would always be pulled to keep it just out of my reach. I thought I was happy before, and I think to an extent I was, but Chris multiplied that feeling. He made it bigger and better, he made me never want to go back to how it was before.
"Let me tell you what I think it means then. I think that love is actually pretty simple. I think it's finding someone and getting to know them, it's letting them become your best friend then going to the next step, a step you only want to share with them. I think it's striving to let that person know that no matter what happens, they matter. Even if it's only ever to you, they matter. It's looking at a person for who they are, not what they can do for you. It's finding someone that makes you say, 'I want to be with you forever.' That, to me, is what love is. Not some crazy over complicated, selling your soul ritual, but a promise to do life with them. And Kitty, I want more than anything to do life with you and Jay."
"That was... sweet." He let out a wry laugh, placing his hand on my cheek.
"I guess I should let you move back in so you're out of Chelsea's hair, huh?" Here it comes, the make or break moment.
"Yeah, but I should probably tell you that I had something lined up." If I bit down on my lip any harder I'd draw blood.
"Wow, that was fast. How'd you manage that in Boston?" I let out a nervous chuckle, pulling at the bottom of my hair.
"Well, I, uh, maybe, kind of, sort of... never stopped looking."
And that is how you ruin a relationship in three days, because in a make or break moment, we broke.