In the training room with Kylo, she ignited her brand new lightsaber. I don't know what I'm doing with this. I can seriously hurt someone with this...or worse. She held it in her grip, feeling everything it held: power, passion, hate. It all transferred onto her from the saber itself. All that was heard from the training room was the gentle humming coming from both Kylo's and Atlas's lightsaber, for Kylo too ignited his. He was going to teach her basic moves with the saber.
"We start with a basic spin," he then does a basic spin with his saber. "This will give you momentum when you need to strike. Now repeat." Atlas studied the movement of his hand as he spun the lightsaber. And carefully, she did the same with hers.
"Good. Now this one is a little more complicated." He then does a basic spin then he spins the lightsaber in front of him then does the same in the back. "But I know you can do it." He knew this because he saw her do it. He saw her do this exact same spin with her own lightsaber in the future. He saw her do it on battlefields and in duels. And it brought satisfaction.
Once she finished, she looked at her saber, surprised at herself. She never thought she'd be able to do it. She looked at her saber with such wonder. This means everything to me. This lightsaber.
Kylo looked at her like she looked at her lightsaber. With such wonder. With such satisfaction. With such hope... With such love. He shook the thought of it. He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He was supposed to be feared. But he felt that she didn't fear him. He felt that she had hope for him. Hope that he would stop this breaking and hurting inside of him. This was simply impossible for him.
Atlas broke eye contact with her saber and moved onto Kylo. She saw him look at her like she looked at her own lightsaber. Her heart started to flutter. He's a monster. Dont feel this way. You're gonna end up hurt. She tried to remind herself this. That he wasn't capable of loving. So why would she even try loving him? She looked away, feeling ashamed of herself. And so did Kylo. He also felt ashamed. No. Disappointed. He felt disappointed. He was trying to convert her into the Dark Side; and loving isn't a part of the package. He killed his own father. How could he ever be able to love? It was impossible. The feeling towards one another had to go away. It was unacceptable in The First Order.
"I think we're done for today. You did good for your first time training with a lightsaber. Go get some rest and we start again tomorrow." Kylo said this and left the training room, still her in thought.
Atlas watched him as he left the room. She watched his muscles move in his broad shoulders in his white tunic as he walked out with such confidence. She watched him as he peeled off the velcro off his gloves with precision with his delicate touch.
She sat on the bench, palms on her face. She thought about everything he did to her; everything he made her feel. She hated this feeling. She hated feeling like he was everything she's ever wanted. She didn't want to feel like the mistress of his love. A love that didn't exist. Her mind was scrambled with thoughts. Thoughts that meant nothing to him. A silly crush. It means nothing. She repeated this in her mind the entire time she sat there. She must've sat there for 20 minutes before a few stormtroopers came in to start there training. Her eyes started to water with an overwhelming feeling rising from the pit of her stomach.
She quickly brushed the tears away and headed back to her room.
She entered the refresher and let the water drip down her head, washing all the sweat. She let the water flow every thought out of her. Leaving her with a blank and fresh mind.
You're already too far in, Atlas. There's no going back now.
It was that same voice she heard when she was at the base. The same voice that would give her "advice." But it wasn't the voice with the heavy breathing. No; that was Darth Vader. This one's different. Darth Vaders' voice was full of hate and anger. This one was full of light and care.
She turned the knob on the refresher to the cold side. The thoughts leaving her body. She shivered by herself. Missing the warmth on her body. Sometimes you have to lose what you already have to know what it meant to you. She used this to prove a point to herself. She needed to use the warm water as a representation of her family; The Resistance. The cold water meant The First Order. The thing is that the cold water never bothered her. The First Order never bothered her. She knew what she would become if she stayed with The First Order; Kylo. She knew she would become powerful...and she loved the feeling.
She got out of the refresher and looked at herself in the mirror. "Jedi Scum. That's what he had called me. He would never like Jedi Scum."
She put on her night wear and headed to bed. She laid there, buried in her covers. She thought about all she's been through; all her traumas. She slowly closed her eyes, accepting the sleepiness that overcame her.
•••
The world around her grew dark. She stood in a room. A black room where she didn't know where it started nor when it ended. But all she knew was that it had smoke everywhere. She walked closer into the smoke. It drew her in. And she let it.
Upon the smoke she saw four dark figures. She heard the heavy breathing come from the dark figure from the far left. She walked closer, more and more intrigued of it. It came to the point that she was so close to the figure that she could see who it was. Darth Vader. She saw the vent in his mask. The iconic dark mask everyone feared. The mask you would see in your last second if you were to be killed by him. A mask that traumatizes.
But he stood still. Not a single movement or sound came from him except his heavy breathing.
Moving next to him, she stood across from another figure. A figure she didn't recognize. A man that was foreign to her. But was still so familiar to her. But still has never seen him in her life. He had an old robe on. He had a light brown colored beard that just went a little over his chin. His hair was nicely groomed; swept to the side. He had light eyes. Piercing blue eyes. "Who are you," she said to the familiar figure, but not so familiar that she could recall his name.
Without breaking eye contact with her, the man said "Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"Are you the one who would give me advice in my mind?"
"Yes."
There was her answer. An answer for the question she has had for a very long time. Atlas moved along to the next figure. Leia. Atlas saw the only mother figure she had in her life at the moment. She saw the years of her brown hair turning grey. She saw the years of her youthful skin turn pale and wrinkly. Atlas brought her hand up to her face and moved a grey strand of her hair out of her face. She admired her. She was the person she wanted to be. Her idol.
She moved to the next figure. It was Kylo. He had no mask. No lightsaber. It was just him. She brought her hand up to her chest and left it there. She felt his heart. His stone cold heart beating. She felt the cracks in it. She felt the sadness and brokenness in it. She couldn't stand seeing him like this. It hurt her too much to see someone she was so drawn to in this state. In the state of brokenness. If she could she would take all her happiness and give it to him, if it made him feel better.
A single tear came out of his eyes as he looked at her. She moved her hand from his chest up to his face. She gently brushed the tear away. It was the touch of her skin on his that made her feel something shock inside of her. Electric love. She loved the feeling of it. And if she could, she would like to feel it all the time.
She moved away from him. She backed up until she could see all four of them. She looked at all of them and asked herself "what does this all mean?" She didn't understand any of this.
They slowly disappeared into nothing. As if they were never there. She looked around, trying to find them again. But when she turned right back around, she found herself face to face with someone else. Herself. But it wasn't her normal self. No. It was what she would become.
Atlas was in shock of what she saw and walked around herself. Looking at every detail of the figure in front of her. She saw the dark specks of darkness and coldness in her eyes; enough to send shivers. Her clothes were nothing that she's seen before. She was wrapped in heavy armor, ready to go to war. Her hair was tied back. But lastly, she noticed a lightsaber in her hand. The same one she had built with Kylo. She had felt so drawn to the ancient text on the rim of the saber even though she doesn't know what it means. But it meant something to her. It meant power, justice, security...and revenge. These things are what made up the girl she saw in front of her; herself.
The girl then lifted her hand up to her, as if she wanted Atlas to take her hand. To join her. Become what she was. To be her.
Atlas felt a lump of regret in her throat. A little voice in her head told her no. Not to do it. But she just couldn't resist. She craved what the girl in front of her had. She craved the power she held. She craved the revenge she had. She craved the justice she had. She craved the respect she received.
She was like a lion who hasn't eaten in days, finally being able to smell the smell of it's prey from afar. It craved the feeling of the gazelle's bones crushing in its strong teeth. Tasting it's blood and savoring every moment. Finally gaining dominance.
She hesitated as she brought her hand closer to the girl in front. But she did it. Atlas felt the calloused finger tips on her hand that were once at war. She felt the scars on the crevasses of her fingers from cuts and scrapes. It would take work and pain, and blood and tears to get to wear she was, but it would all be worth it. But there was still one thing holding her back from being consumed of the darkness the girl in front of her held. Leia. The only mother figure she had. The only person that seemed to care for her.
And there it was. The wave of regret she knew she would have. But she couldn't let it consume her; take her all in. No. She had to stay strong for herself. She had to stand strong. Because she knew if she didn't, she would be stuck in that hole she once lived in. The hole where she felt helpless and lost. A hole where she wasn't needed anywhere. That was until Leia finally assigned this mission to her that she felt needed. That she felt wanted.
But she never expected it to take this turn.