I don't go back the next day.
Or the next.
I hope that putting distance between us will make it easier, but it doesn't.
I hope that time will blunt the sharp edges of my broken heart, but it doesn't.
If anything, it makes me feel worse.
Without Roan, I am a bird with no wings.
I don't know how to fly.
I am full of jagged pieces.
But every time I think that I should just hear what he has to say, my chest pangs with fresh pain, and my nerves desert me. What if I'm just not strong enough to face him again?
What if I'm not strong enough to ignore him?
I am determined to never feel repulsed by or ashamed of my own scars ever again, but I can't stop thinking about whether they are why Roan approached me. Did he think that someone who looked like me must be so starved of affection, so desperate for anything, that I would be easier to manipulate?
My friends notice my bleak mood, but it's not until night falls on the third day, that Taffy finally pushes my hollow insistence that I'm fine.
"Please talk to me," she says, leaning over the side of her bed and looking at me upside down. Her eyes are all big and worried.
I turn my face away, a single tear escaping. Her words are too similar to Roan's.
Am I making this worse for myself now?
Roan was the one who hurt me, but am I making this so much harder by refusing to even give him a chance? By cutting myself off from my friends? They don't know what's going on, and all I'm doing by pushing them away is hurting them too.
"Do you think it's possible to trust someone again if they've betrayed you?" I blurt out before I can think better of it.
Then I brace myself for impossible questions that I won't be able to answer. I should have kept my mouth shut.
But Taffy just thinks about it for a little bit. "It depends on the betrayal, I suppose."
"If they've lied to you."
"It still depends. Lying isn't one size fits all; context is important."
We're both quiet for a while.
"Are you going to give me the context?" Taffy asks.
I could tell her everything. The words are right there, on the tip of my tongue, but with a huge effort I bite them back. I can't tell her. This isn't just about me and Roan.
It's about Beyond and what they're investigating.
It's about the Trials.
I can't tell Taffy that Roan was using me without telling her why he was, and that's not a good idea. It's not that I don't trust her – of course I do – but knowing too much is dangerous.
If the CC suspected that I'm the one who stole that photo, they would have investigated by now, which I'm assuming they haven't done, or they would have found Boots. So I can safely guess that I'm in the clear. But that might not last.
And even if we pull this off, even if we expose the Trials, we still don't know what the future will hold. I'm not naive enough to think that everything will suddenly fall into place, and the world will welcome us with open arms. Exposing the Trials is probably just the first step in what will almost certainly be a long and difficult fight, and I don't want my friends tangled up in that.
Then again, maybe they'll be tangled up in it simply for being Seconds.
I think and think and think, until my head is aching, and Taffy is still patiently waiting for me to open up to her, but I can't. The whole point of helping Roan's group was to help everyone, especially my friends. I am still fighting for them, still trying to protect them.
But I have to give Taffy something.
I can't keep shutting her out.
And I can't keep bottling everything up inside.
"What if someone you care about turns out to be using you, but they were actually doing it for a good reason? To help a lot of other people," I say.
"You know for sure that they were using you?"
"Yes," I say, and the word is bitter on my tongue.
"And you know for sure that it was a good reason?"
My throat dries up and I have to swallow a couple of times to get the words out. "Yes. But if . . . if that person wanted a chance to explain – should I listen?"
"Do you want to?"
"Yes," I say before I have time to think about it.
"Then that's your answer. If you want to listen, then listen."
I swallow again, and roll over. Boots is lying next to my pillow, as usual, and I push my face against his fur, breathing in the warm, familiar smell of him. He sniffs at me, his whiskers tickling my skin, and a few more tears escape, sliding down my cheeks and soaking into his fur.
What Taffy says makes sense, but –
"What if I'm scared to?" I whisper.
"Look, Caia, I don't know what's going on and I wish you would tell me, but I do understand that this is something you want to keep secret. But you're obviously miserable right now, and it's because of whatever is going on with whoever this mystery person is. Maybe you're scared to talk to them, but however hard that is, it can't be worse than what you're going through now."
I turn her words over and over in my mind, still keeping my face mashed against Boots's furry little side.
She's right.
Nothing changes what Roan has done, but I do want to hear his explanation. More than that, I need to.
I can't stop thinking about him.
I can't forget the sound of his voice and the way his mouth fits against mine. I lift my fingers to my lips, tracing them as if there's still an imprint of his kiss there.
I gave him my whole heart, and he smashed it into pieces, but I think he still has some of those pieces, and that's why I can't let him go.
Facing him again is going to hurt, but will it hurt more than it already is?
There's only one way to find out.
The next day I go back to the fence.
I have no idea what I'm going to say.
I used to be so comfortable around Roan, and now I don't know how to behave. My whole body feels awkward and uncoordinated, and I have no idea what to do with my hands.
Last night, after Taffy had gone to sleep, I tried rehearsing what I was going to say, and some of my mental speeches were quite good, but now that I'm almost there, I can't remember any of them.
Should I speak first, or let him?
Obviously he wants to explain, but I do too. I need to explain to him why this has hurt me so much, and maybe I should have done that from the beginning, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
When I get to the fence, I stop, the breath leaving my body in a great rush.
Roan's not here.
He isn't here.
He said he'd come back every day for me, but he hasn't. He's given up.
I lean against the fence, and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to hold back burning tears.
Maybe it's better this way. If he's given up on me, then it just proves that there really wasn't anything between us, nothing worth fighting for anyway –
"Caia," says a voice and I jump.
Rosie is standing in front of me. I was so lost in my own head that I didn't even hear her emerge from the woods and approach the fence.
"Hi," she says, waggling her fingers at me. Her nails are bright purple this time, and her expression is hopeful.
I can't speak. None of this is her fault, but . . . she's not exactly the person I want to see right now.
Rosie's face falls, and her mouth makes a wry little shape. "You were hoping for Roan, huh?"
I nod.
"I'd say I'm offended, but I get it. He was here though, every day that he said he would be, but Beyond needed him today, and that has to come first."
I can't be annoyed about that. Roan's passion for helping people is one of the things I like best about him, and I wouldn't want him to jeopardise this mission for anything, including me.
"Did you know that he was coming here to target me?" I ask.
She shakes her head, looking a little sad. "It wasn't . . . it's not as simple as that."
"Why me?" I ask.
"You'll have to ask him that."
I look at the ground.
Rosie sighs. "Look, Roan did come here with the plan of connecting to someone who might be able to help us, any way he could, but . . . his feelings for you are real."
"I want to believe that," I whisper.
Rosie sits down opposite me, and I copy her. The fence cuts the world in half between us.
"Roan hasn't been able to stop talking about you since he met you, and I am saying that with the utmost honesty. I have known him for years, and he's had girlfriends before you, but I've never seen him this cut up over a breakup."
Rosie's face is serious, and I don't really know this girl, but somehow I'm sure she's not lying to me. Then again, I didn't think Roan would lie to me and look how that turned out.
"That's why I'm here actually," Rosie continues.
"I thought maybe you had news on your . . . bug things," I mumble.
"Nope, still working on them, so I can't stay long, but when Roan realised he wasn't going to make it today, he asked me to come instead, so you wouldn't think he had given up on you."
I say nothing, but my feelings must be plain on my face.
"You did think that, didn't you?" Rosie says.
I shrug; I don't know what else to do.
"I'm not going to insult you by pretending that you don't have a right to be upset about this. All I can say in Roan's defence is that he is honestly one of the best people I have ever known. Maybe he's screwed up here, but he never meant to hurt you," Rosie says.
"Maybe not, but it should have occurred to him that he could," I point out.
"Yeah, it probably should, and all I can say to that is that Roan isn't perfect. None of us are. He is trying to make a difference in the world. He's trying to help people. Yes, he did target you because he thought you would be a good asset to our cause, but you can't honestly think that that's all there was to it."
"I don't know," I say helplessly. "I've never been in a relationship; I have no experience with stuff like this."
Rosie's expression softens. "Oh, god, I didn't even think of it like that."
I search for the right words. "Roan has become . . . very important to me these last few weeks, and already my whole life feels darker not having him in it. But how do I know what's real? How do I know that the whole time we were together, he wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear? How do I know that he won't keep doing that?"
"If he wanted to keep lying to you, he would have done it. He would have denied ever having targeted you as an asset," Rosie points out.
Well . . . that's true.
"I don't want to tell you what to do because ultimately this is none of my business, but Roan is my best friend and this is killing him. I'm not saying that you're not hurting too, but I really hope you do give him a chance to explain. He does care about you, Caia. That wasn't a lie."
There's a funny feeling in my chest, a tentative fluttering of wings, a feeling of hope.
"But I'm not the person who should be telling you all this," she says. "You need to hear it from Roan."
I exhale. "I know."
Rosie nibbles her lip. "Can I – are you . . . are you in love with him?"
My throat closes up. "I . . . I don't know."
I don't want to address that – not with Rosie, anyway. I like her, but falling in love is the one thing that I never thought I would be able to do, and I still don't know for sure that I am, but I'm closer than I ever have been, and that knowledge is like glass, shining and fragile, and I'm not ready to share it.
But . . . is Roan in love with me?
The old Caia would have never have believed it. She would have thought that no one could ever love her because of her face. I don't believe that anymore.
But I still can't believe that someone might be in love with me, because it's not something that happens to Seconds. We don't have the freedom to fall in love or be loved in return. Government property doesn't have those kinds of rights.
It occurs to me that I'm still only scratching the surface of all the things that are denied to Seconds, and my confusion and hurt is briefly supplanted by a hot blast of anger.
My fingers start to ache and I realise I'm gripping the fence with both hands, as I'm trying to ground myself.
Rosie watches me, a sad little look on her face. "Since meeting you, Roan has never been happier. Since losing you, he's never been sadder."
I know exactly how that feels.
"Will you talk to him?" Rosie asks.
I nod.
She beams at me, star-bright. "Great."
I know that there are more important things going on than me and Roan.
I know that the safety and future of Seconds is more important than broken hearts.
But if Roan isn't perfect, then I'm certainly not, either. People on the outside have the right to be selfish sometimes, and I never considered that as something I want, but it is. I haven't forgotten about the mission or the cause, but with Roan, I have something of my own, and I don't want to put all that aside until a more appropriate time.
I need to know if we can fix this.