He cried .. after many many years ... he felt disappointed in himself for letting her feel like she felt . He dint understand where and how did he give her the reason to think so about herself ...As the tears stopped and he composed himself .. he felt the urge to barge into her the next second he is home and shake her brain up and make her realize her importance and position in his life ... but dint she know it already ... dint she know all those things she is feeling bad .. insecure about today from day one when they were friends .. and then when they entered into this beautiful relationship ... then why are these things affecting her .. now ... but then he remembered ...these insecurities of her have been around for a long while and somehow they never chose to address the elephant in the room ..maybe not intentionally but maybe because he never felt that this would become so important an issue to be discussed about ...
The first time at Mahis place when she felt left out he thought maybe its because she is just realizing her feelings for him and it was more of a not being able to express or understand her own feelings .. but then again after the BB drama she was insecure .. this time he thought its because of him using those words for her and their relationship on TV and outright dismissing any future for them was the reason....even then she misunderstood what and why he said those things and she did what she did ... but then there was a bigger problem to be addressed and it took priority ..
But this time ... it was no fault of his ... it was neither her fault .. this insecurity had been cradled in her heart for a lot of time and he never nib-ed it at the bud and never made her feel at ease ...
He drove home with many thoughts prowling his brain ... no he was not angry ... he was not .... he was determined ... he understood her and he understood why and how she felt the need to be upto par with his co stars... just like actor his/her partner is often scrutinized ...be it media .. fans ...friends or enemies in the industry ...she or he is expected to be perfect ... they are always under the radar .. from what they wear to what they drink to where they work .. if they are fat .. slim .. sexy .. curved .. beautiful ... rich poor ... everyone analyzes then according to their wims and fancies deames them fir or unfit for their idol ... but never from the actual people in that bond as to why they are together ..... there would be a reason .. a very valid and beautiful one for choosing each other which no one would bother ......
He loved her .. she was very beautiful for HIM ... she was sexy for HIM ... she was successful for HIM .. she was the perfect life partner for HIM ...other than his own family he dint care nor was he bothered with anyone else's approval of his choice .... it dint matter to him ... yes he attained this maturity of mind because of his 10 + years if industry life .... she was new ... actually completely unaware of the way this one worked ... it was a colorful world from outside but from inside it had the most shallowest people with very disgusting mindsets ....that was also one of the reason why he kept his relationship with her under wraps.... but maybe that had added to the fire too ... maybe if he would have accepted her in front of the world she would have felt better confident ... he dint know where he went wrong ... but He was determined to end this insecurity in her .. he vowed to himself to explain her in the most practical way possible so she would never ever again think about it ..
with that resolve he controlled his urge to run into her room and slap her .. and then hug her and kiss her insecurities out of her ... but no thats not how he wanted to do this ... so he did what was very difficult for him .. he composed himself .. made his face look the most calmer ever ...and walked into the house and then her room as he opened it purposefully making a noise ..
He stood at the entrance of the door and looked at her who was obviously all awake and sitting on her bed crying into her arms .. she immediately lifted her head and looked at him ... it would not be a lie to say she was expecting him to scold her or be angry at her ..she expected him to be raging in anger ... but what she saw in his face stunned her ... he was cool as if nothing happened ....the most sane look and composed self he carried when he entered her room .. slowly he entered her room ...and without giving her any importance ... he simply threw her phone on the bed and left the room without closing the door..
She was stunned ...that was when she realized she forgot her phone at the party ... she quickly grabbed her phone to open it up ... he had left the photos folder open to the pictures she had taken and edited ... her hands shook as she saw the pictures again .... it hit her really hard that he came to know ... him knowing all her insecurities made her push herself more into a shell ... he knew it .. he knew it and he dint ask me about it .. par kyu ??.. pucha kyu nahi ... kya isko farak nahi pada ki main kya feel karrahi hu ??.. ya phir ye bhi yahi sochtha hain ki sahi hain ... and she cried .. cried and cried the night out
Sid only knew how he controlled himself in her room ..he stood for a lot of time near the door and could hear her sobs ... he wanted to slap her hard ... right across her face .. and shout his lungs out .. shout it out ki kaise bewakoof ladki hain .. itna pyaar karta hu ... tumhari har baat se .. tumse ... tumhare dil se pyaar karta hu aur tum ne mujh par vishwaas hi nahi rakha .. sochliya ki Sid ko main pasand nahi aungi kyunki main khoobsurat nahi hu .. kash mere nazro se dekh pati ki tum kya ho mere liyee ..
And he opened his closet to remove a small jewelry box which had housed from many days ... a piece which was very close to his heart ...the one he cherished every night .. the one he never wished to show her ever ...
Yes it was the chain " The Shehnaaz Chain" .. the most precious neck piece she sold for his birthday present ... even in the chaos he dint forget the next day to run to the store to get it back ...it was a very precious thing for him ... her first present for herself from her earning ... she had memories and sentiments attached to it .. and she sold it just to buy him a present .. a metal ring which way way less precious than the emotions behind the chain ... he cursed himself looking at it today... he should have realized her insecurities back then itself ... at that time he thought it was only because of what he said about their backgrounds in the BB house .. he was a fool .. he should have spoken to her about this back then .. at that point he chose to give her the satisfaction she got by giving him a present but he dint understand the hidden issue ...
The next day Morning Sana woke up early as usual .. did her shower ... and lit the lamps in the house ... prepared tea ..her head was aching with all the crying ... but she wanted to face it ... she dint want to run or hide away her issues from Sid anymore ... determined she took him tea and entered his room very very skeptically as to how his reaction would be .. she was prepared for his wrath ... but not his silence .. or this emptiness..emptiness because he was not there ..
Sid was always the pampered kid in the house ...by his mom .. sisters and the Sana herself ... he would wake up daily and never bother to fix his bed since he knew Sana would fix it anyways ...he tried doing once or twice on Preethi's insistence .. but Sana was not happy with the outcome and she ended up fixing it again ..after that he never did it ...and everyday Sana would do it .. but today the room was fixed to perfection .. beds fixed ... no trash on the floor .. table cleaned ... ashtray emptied ... and windows opened letting the sun warm up the room ...
As she felt the sun warm her .. her face fell ... he did by himself ??... why ??.. is he that angry that he wont even let her do the things she was used to doing for him ?.. and where was he??.. she checked the bathroom and everywhere in the house .. he was not there . she asked Lakshmi di and she told her that Sid had left for his gym about half hr before ..
The whole day Sid avoided her ... she tried n number of times to start a conversation with him .. but he royally avoided her ...not something she was used to ... how much every angry he would be .. a simple touch or smile from her he would mellow down immediately .. but this time .... it was different ...it was not that she dint try and he dint notice that ... he did but chose to stay calm ..like
During breakfast Sana prepared his fav Aloo paratha with lots of butter .. but he ate cereal instead ... She ironed his clothes and placed them neatly on the bed and he wore something else ... he asked everything he needed from lakshmi di .. even though Sana was standing right beside .. this change dint go unnoticed by Lakshmi di and Maa as well .. but they chose to keep quiet as it was their personal issue ...
Sid ate lunch at Preethis that day ... Preethi di was not aware he was coming over .. and when he did she was shocked as well.. she knew it had something to do with Sana as otherwise she would come along with him ..
She sneakily called sana
preethi : Sana ... tu kyu nahi aayi ?
Sana: kaha?
preethi : ghar yar .. Sid ke sath
Sana: wo aaya hain waha? lunch ka time ho raha hain .. ab kyu gaya bahar .. khake aajatha .. main tabse wait karrahi thi
Preethi : jagda kiya kya tum dono ne ... wo kha raha hain yaha .. tu bhi aaja .. waise bhi lunch nahi kiya na
Sana: waha kha raha hain??.. mujhe tho bolo hi nahi ...
Preethi : Sana ... aaja yaha .. baat karlena dono
Sana: nahi di .. koina... its ok ..main rakhti hu Maa bula rahi hain
And a lone tear escaped her eyes ... she knew he was angry but they way he avoided her ... she was getting more desperate by the minute
Sid spent the whole afternoon at preethis with the kids and his Jeeju ...
He came down home in the evening and went to Maa directly .. where they spoke at length for a good half hour and later Sid left for some work he dint bother to inform her ...
After Sid left Maa called Sana and said
SM: Sana bacha.. kal ghar mein pooja hain ....
Sana: acha ??.. theek hain Mom .. boliye kya kya karna hain .. main dekhlungi
SM: poochogi nahi kis cheez ki ?
Sana just looked at her blankly
SM: bacha kal .. Sid ke papa ki Barsi hain ... har saal hum .. bahar mandir main karthe the .. lekin is bar ghar par ... tujhe kuch karneki zaroorat nahi hain .. kya haina kal kuch log ayenge .. shaam main pandit ji aakar pooja aur havan karenge .. baad main Prashad hum gareebo main baat the hain ,... uske baad sab milkar khana khate hain ... thoo kal bahut sara khana banana padta hain .. maine cook ko boldiya hain .. wo subah ajayega ... aur lakshmi kal ghar saaf kardegi ...
Sana: Maa .. i am sorry mujhe pata nahi tha
SM: koinaa .. tujhe kaisee malum hoga .. maine bola hi nahi .. Sid bahut hi jyada udaas rehta hain .. usko sambhalena bas ... aur kuch nahi chahiye mujhe
Sana: ji
And she left from there to the balcony ,,,
"Use sambhalena".. kaise sambhalu Maa jab wo itna gussa hain mujhse ... ki baat hi nahi karraha hain ... mene dill dukhaya hain uska .. main jaanthi hu .. lekin wo baat bhi nahi karraha hain .. main kya karu ..Maa ne kaha ki wo bahut dukhi hota hain ye din ...aur maine use aur dukhi kardiya .... kash ek baar .. ek bar wo mujse baat karta ... kash
And she sat there for a long time .. so lost that she dint notice when Sun set and moon rose in the sky ... when sid returned from the market getting stuff needed for next day... he saw her sitting by herself and was almost tempted to go talk to her .. but he had to set some things straight and this was not the time .
Sana was startled when lakshmi di called her for dinner ... she dint know when her eyes closed and she dozed off .. her thoughts still stuck at Sid
Laksmi di : baby . utho .. khana khalooo
Sana: haan .. haan .. wo .. wo Sid ko aane do .. saath main khalenge .. Maa ko bula lati hun
Laksmi di : baba tho khana kakar sogayee.. Maa ko main room mai hekhana dedi .. app bhi khalo .. main bartan saaf karke .. rasoi saaf karke jaati .. kal subah subah aana haina apun ko .. kal bahut kaam hain baba ree
Sana: khaliya Sid ne??.. mujhe uthaya nahi ??
Lakshmi di : nahi Baba bahut bhuke the .. tho mereko bola aur room main hi khaliyaa...
Sana: acha .. chalo .. main aarahi hu
Tears rolled down her cheeks... she was not able to take his silence .. if he scolded or expressed his anger on her she would have felt better ... but this silence was killing her .. she wanted to immediately go into his room and question him .. and solve it off.. but she remembered Maa's words .. that he would be very sad today .. she thought .. aise gussa ho kar nahi .. pyaar se .. aur aaj tho bilkul nahi ...
Reluctantly she ate very little of her dinner and sat down watching Tv as it was very early and Maa and Sid had slept off .. Maa did .. Sid was sleeping or watching at the door waiting for it to open and find her there only God knew ...
She watched Tv very late and around 11 she heard some noise .. she turned around to Find Sid try take some water from the fridge .. he dint bother to even look at her .. he just took his water and was about to leave when Sana went near him and asked " Kuch chahiye Siddharth ??"
No reply .. he paused for a second and again started to move ...
" Baat nahi karega ???"
No reply .. he just moved
" ek baar baat kar na . please ....i can explain "
This time .. he paused for a longer time as if he was contemplating his next move .. he gave her a side look and walked back into his room .. shutting the door ...
She crumbled on the floor ...did he shut the door on her on their relation .. she dint understand ....
Next day morning ..the whole SHukla household was very busy ... cooks were busy preparing food .. all of Uncles favorites ... Lakshmi di and Sana were cleaning up the whole house ... Sid and Preethis husband were laying the white cushions all over the house for people to sit ....very close family were only invited ... Preethi di and her family and her inlaws .. Neetu di's in laws as she was not able to come ... Baaz .. Pammi aunty couldnt come as well due to last minute plan ... Rita aunty brothers and their families and Uncles sisters and Brothers family ... guru mata from Brahma kumaris ... all in all there was the whole family ...
Sana tried a lot to start a conversation again and again with Sid only to be ignored again and again ...
Preethi noticed them both and tried talking to Sid as she couldnt see a sad Sana ..
Preethi : Sid .. kya hua ..ladai kiya ??
Sid: di Stay out of this
Preethi : bacha aisa thodi hota hain .. bachi hain wo abhi .. main nahi jaanthi ki kya hua hain tum dono main but she is very very sad bacha ... dekh uska muh kaisa uthara sa hain ... aj hamare ghar par pehli baar papa ka Barsi ho raha hain .. aise dono muh phulaye mat baitho .. please
Sid: di .. i get it .. i completely get it believe me .. but please ... please dont get me wrong but stay out of this ...
Preethi : hmm m.. theek hain teri marzee
Evening came very quickly and the pandit arrived by 6 . As per custom .. everyone got ready in white clothes .. plain and pure ..
Sana wore a white chikankari suit paired with a chiffon Chunni ... tied up her hair in a plate and put a bindi on her forehead . Sid sort of forgot his anger on her as he saw her .. not because she looked beautiful .. but because she looked pure ... she reminded him of his Mom when they used to have this pooja for their late grandparents at home when his dad was there .
She resembled so much to his Mom today .. taking care of everyone .. serving tea and water ...smiling greeting everyone as they came ... he couldnt help staring at her .. but as she would look back at him he would turn his head away as he still had to resolve untold matters ...
The Panditji came and started the pooja .. he asked Sid to sit by the havan .. being the only son in the house ... he performed all the rituals every year . Every year they did this outside in a temple ... he wished and had requested his mom many times to keep it at home .. especially after he bought this home .. it was a achievement for him and he wanted to share it with his dad ...
He believed that this day his dad would visit him .. and his family and bless them with all the happiness and strength to carry on themselves in their life ...
As the pooja started Sana sat at the farthest corner in the house .. beside Maa as she sat in a wheelchair ... Sana positioned herself near her feet as she gently rubbed her feet .. it was a emotional day for Maa today ... She knew .. she knew as she saw her Mom get emotional today ... it was emotional for her as well as she never attended her own fathers Death anniversary but today she was here in her other fathers .... she felt very much blessed ...
Disclaimer: everything below is only fictional related to the ritual .. I am a telugu Brahmin and i have modified this according to what we follow ..it might not be the same for others ...if i hurt anyone's feelings or beliefs am sorry in advance
Pandit : Siddharth beta .. havan shuru karte hain ...main jaanta nahin hu kyu .. lekin iss bar aapne ghar par karne ka socha .. bahut hi achi baat hain ...aapke swarg vasi pitaji aaj bahut hi kush honge .. Havan shuru karte hain .. agni dene keliye aapki ghar ke kisibhi mahila ko bulayi
Rita Aunty's Sister in law: Bhabi .. kaun hain ... jijaji ke bhai akele aaye hain .. unke sath unki biwi nahi aayi hain na...
SM: nahi Sunitha( her sister in law) uski jaroorat nahi hain .. Siddharth .. she called
Sid: ji Maa........... Shehnaaz...( he called ... the first time he called her name after 2 days ... she was startled .. did he call me ??.. why me??.. main??.. she was surprised so where the whole family)
Sid: Shehnaaz.. idhar aaa...and he gestured her with his eyes to come sit beside him
A confused Sana looked up at Sid and then Maa.. and she lovingly patted her head .. and said " Aaj se ye hakk tera ... jaa.. " and kissed her forehead
Preethi patted her hand as well as tears welled up in Sanas eyes ..
Rita Aunty Sister in law: Bhabi .. ye kaisee??..kaun hain ye ??.. app jaanthi ho na .. ghar ki bahu hi ..ye sab
SM: haan Sunitha .. Shehnaaz is ghar ki bahu hi hain .. haan shadi main abhi thoda time hain .. par wo hi iss ghar ki Bahu hain .. aur Siddharth ke sath is Havan main aur uske saath zindagi bhar saath degi .. jaa beta
Panditji : Bahut ache... ab samjha main Rita ji is bhar ghar par kyu karwa rahe hain ... bahu ghar lekar aarahe hain isliye .. bahut acha hain .. aao beta
Shaking hands and shivering body she moved .. with her chunni wrapped around her and she sat beside Sid...
As gestured by the pandit she offered fire in the havan and the pooja started ...she sat there blankly looking at the fire ... all of her insecurities .. all of her doubts about herself .. about her Siddharth . ....about them .. seemed to be burning away in front of the fire ..this family and Him have accepted her and given her the most valuable position in the family .. Ghar ki Bahu .. means a lot .. a lot of confidence and affection and love goes into accepting and putting the burden of the family on a girl when she is made the daughter in law of the house ...
Marriage is not only about love... lust .. sex ... between the two involved .. its way way wayyy more than that ...Marriage is a responsibility ... not only the responsibility of the man to take care of his wife but the responsibility of the wife to take care of the family she is coming into with equal love and affection ...
As she looked down .. she felt a hand over her .. as he grabbed her hand and put it on his and they together offered the ghee to the havan .. This was when she looked at Sid directly as he looked straight into the fire ...his eyes spoke ... his eyes shined with the brightness of the fire .. the fire in his eyes ... her hand in his as he offered his respects to his father .... that was when she felt it .. she felt guilty for doubting him and letting her insecurities creep into her .. she felt guilty for believing that Sid would think less of her or she was less worth full of him when here he was giving her the utmost position and importance in his life ..
The Pooja ended after an hour so ... and everyone was given the prashad .. Sid and his Jeeju and Baaz left with the food to give it to the poor around the apartments they lived ...
After he returned all of the family members were seated and Sid , Sana, Preethi and her husband served them with food with their own hands ...
Maa was very very happy ... she felt a burden off her shoulders today .. Sana had taken up the duties of her in the house and she knew how efficiently she would handle everything ... she thanked God and her husband for sending This child to them
Most of the relatives had asked Maa about Sid and Sanas wedding and some of his cousins also teased him with her .. which he quite politely dodged away saying
"Mami wo Shehnaaz abhi padd rahi hain .. uska MBA agle saal hogayega .. uske baad karlenge shaadi ... main chahtha hu ki wo sab kuch achieve kare jo uske pitaji chahthe the .."
Baaz held Sana very very tightly .. he became very emotional with whatever happened today .. he had wished for exactly the same kind of love for his sister and here he was in flesh and blood ...
Baaz: Moto .. papa aaj sach me khush honge .. tujhe aur Sid ko dekh kar .. bahut lucky hain thu jo tujhe aisaa parivaar mila
Sana: Haan Shehbaaz ... bahut hi jyada ..
A little while later the family had left and only preethi her family and Baaz were there . Preethu di and Jijaji had food ..and they asked Sana to eat with them as well....
Sana: nahi wo Siddharth ke saath khalungi ..
Preethi: hain kaha wo ?
Baaz: pata nahi .. ghar par nahi hain shayad
Sana knew .. Sana knew where he would be .. probably only she knew ...
Sana: main abhi aayi .. she said scooping some kheer into a bowl and she hurried upstairs
She had some coaxing to do ... he was angry and he was not wrong in being angry ... she was wrong .. she realized it ....and now she had to apologize .. make everything right ... actually nothing changed in their relationship .. he never would allow anything to change in their relationship ever ... but she had to apologize for being naive and stupid
As she thought he was there ... on the terrace .. puffing away his cigarette ..
She tippy toed and stood behind him ... he could sense her ... the light tinkling of her anklets he would recognize blindly in a crowd ...
No one spoke .. each waiting for the other to start
Finally Sana gave in
Sana: Siddharthhh..
Sid : dint respond but just put his cigar away and turned around and folding his hands .. he looked at her .. directly .. into her eyes ... after a good 48 hours he finally looked at her directly into the eye
She extended the kheer bowl and gave it to him ..which he took and put it aside and still stood with folded hands waiting for her to start
Sana: aisee matt dekh na Siddharth .. daantna hain daantle ...marna hain tho bhi chalega ...chilla le .. kuch bhi karle .. aise chup mat rehna ...
Sid: kyu ?
Sana: main nahi reh sakthi na .. tere se baath kare bina
Sid: kyu ?
Sana: nehi reh sakthi .. bas ..
Sid: kyu ?
Sana: kyunki main pyaar karti hu tumse ...
Sid: nahi .. nahi karti
Sana: kya?.. Siddharth aisa kyu bol raha hain .. main sach me bahut pyaar karti hu tumse .. souu lage
Sid: nahi ..
Sana: Siddharth .. i love you .. please .. i really love you
Sid: agar karti tho aise apne aap ko zaleel nahi karti ... kya socha tumne ... wo sab karte huee... haan???
Shenaaz I LOVE YOU .. and by YOU i mean every inch inch of you ...tumne apne aap ko itna kam kaise samajh liya ... mere pyaar ko tumne itna Kam kaisee samajh liya tumne Shehnaaz ...
Holding her both arms tightly he pulled her towards him and looking straight into her eyes he shouted
You are not Freaking Shehnaaz kaur Gill anymore ... you are THE SHEHNAAZ SIDDHARTH SHUKLA ... the daughter in Law of ASHOK AND RITA SHUKLA .... khabardaar agar kabhi bhi apne aap ko aise kam ya neecha dikhane ki koshish ki ..
.............................................................................................
So according to telugu pooja vidhi .. Fire god can be invited for the havan only by a women .. preferably wife of the Man performing the havan ..if the guy is not married then anyone from the family who holds the family name can only do it ....even if that is not possible then Poojari himself will do it .. That is one of the reason why Havans are not done at home if the person performing it is not married ...
Please let me know how you guys liked or disliked this chapter .... :)