~Saturday 18th June 2016~
Gray let out a slow breath, rolling over onto his side in bed, reaching out to feel for River. He cracked open an eye when he found the bedsheet next to him was cold and empty, looking around the darkness of the room. River wasn't there, but the cold breeze biting into Gray's skin drew his attention to the balcony, where he found his lover. River was stood, leaning against the railing, looking out at the beach below, wearing only Gray's shirt. He must have been freezing, even if the wind was only subtle, the fabric barely passed his upper thighs.
Even in the moonlight, the boy looked beautiful. Gray sat up, taking a moment to admire him. The curvature of his back, the tattoos drawn over his calves that he knew wrapped all the way up to his hips, the way his hair would look adorable no matter how messy. Even a dishevelled mess, bruised and broken, Gray couldn't ever think that River was anything less than ethereal in his appearance. If he had believed in angels, he would suspect that River might be one.
River hadn't seemed to notice that Gray had awoken, giving the man time to sit up and stretch. He was growing tired of waking to an empty bed, especially since he had gotten so accustomed to having River by his side. He liked to be close to him wherever possible, they didn't exactly have forever with one another. Not at the moment, not whilst River was still only seventeen and under the watchful eye of his parents.
Gray pulled on a pair of sweatpants, balling up the covers from the bed and carrying it out to the balcony. The glass door had been left ajar, meaning Gray could be as silent as he wanted. Usually, River had a pretty good sense of hearing, but he didn't seem to notice Gray immediately, not until the man draped the covers over his shoulders and moved to stand next to him. River was smoking too, even though he had mentioned he was trying to stop, but Gray didn't bother to scold him. Clearly, there was something on his mind.
"Can't sleep?" Gray slipped his hand into River's, a smile curving his lips when the boy leant his head on his shoulder. He seemed to relax then, not looking so tense as he had before.
"Mhmm," River blew out a breath of smoke, his eyes half-closed, still locked onto the rolling waves of the sea. It wasn't too rough that night, it actually seemed to have calmed from what it was earlier. Then again, the tide wasn't entirely in, so maybe it just looked calmer in the distance than what it actually was.
"You should have woken me," River shook his head drowsily, stubbing out his cigarette and throwing the butt over the edge. Gray didn't bother to mention the addiction, he had never done so in the first place, and something was wrong with the boy if he was losing sleep over it, it couldn't be as simple as Gray had first hoped. He didn't need to add to it, no matter how insignificant the issue. An argument between the two of them wouldn't be any good of a plan at that moment.
"You looked peaceful," Gray couldn't help but stare at the bruising that was worsening over River's eye, mottling the perfection of the boy's skin with shades of blue and green, feeling himself tense at the sight of it. He couldn't ignore the rage that swarmed him everytime he thought of River, defenseless, at the hands of Mason and whoever else decided they wanted to beat him. It wasn't fair. River didn't deserve treatment like that. He was too good of a person, too kind of a soul, although not many others got to see that side of him. Gray was one of the lucky ones.
"Did you have a bad dream?" Gray rubbed his thumb over the back of River's hand, following the boy's gaze out to the sea. It was mesmerising to watch the swell of the waves, the crest and trough battering against the sand on the beach. No wonder River came out there when he awoke, it was soothing enough to watch, if not to listen.
"No, just couldn't sleep," River moved to stand between Gray and the edge of the balcony, with his back to the man's chest, still holding onto the railing with a ginger grip. Gray knew then that the boy was putting all faith in him. The railing could snap, and he could plummet to the ground below, but he trusted Gray enough to prevent that from happening. It was bizarre to the man, to have someone so reliant on him once again. He hadn't experienced that sense of intimacy for a long time.
"Thought about waking you up, or sucking you off, or something, but you looked like you needed the rest. And I'm still a little achy," Gray rested one hand on River's hip, leaning his other forearm onto the beam at the top of the railing. He bent down, pressing a line of tender kisses to the back of River's exposed neck, wondering whether it was a good idea to go any further. The boy was pressed against him, the cleft of his ass seeming to fit perfectly against the outline of Gray's semi through his sweatpants, but he knew River was still injured, and he didn't want to push his luck.
"Sex can wait, baby boy, I just want you better," River merely purred in apreciation of the contact he was receiving, leaning back into Gray more, making the decision more difficult. Gray wanted to lift up the shirt River was wearing, steady the boy against the railing and take him for hours. He felt free there with the boy, he didn't want to waste a moment. But moments outside of the throes of passion weren't wasted, they were just cherished in a different manner.
"Have you ever been in love with anyone before?" It was a strange question, one that Gray hadn't expected in the moment but anticipated would slip into conversation at some point. River was curious, Gray had lived a longer life than him already, of course he had to wonder whose heart the man had belonged to before. Gray spent hours thinking of the reverse, torturing himself at the thought of another's hands on his boy, he wondered if he should save River the agony. Or whether withholding that information would be any sense of mercy in the end.
"Vince, my ex-husband," as expected, River peered over his shoulder, eyes wide, shock plastered over his face, "he died in a robbery a few years back, I loved him," Gray didn't often dwell on what could have been with Vince. Could they have had children together? They were already married, they were committed to one another, what was there to stop them? Other than the difficult situation of their irritating similarities. They wouldn't ever be able to have children of their own, and Gray wasn't sure he was even comfortable with bringing up one from another parent. It wouldn't feel like his own, he had always said, however, he wasn't even sure that was correct anymore.
"You never told me you were married before," there was no betrayal within River's voice, merely confusion.
"I met him when I was eighteen, we were married four years after. He died when I turned twenty-seven, it hit me pretty hard," Gray had forgotten what it felt like to experience the pain of his loss. He had driven all thoughts of Vince to the back of his mind, into some dark corner where they couldn't hurt him anymore. Unearthing them brought back the agony that Gray had tried so hard to run from.
"I can imagine so," River turned to face Gray, reaching up to cup the man's cheek, caressing his skin with gentle movements, "what was it like? To be in love, I mean?" He seemed so innocent in that moment, so young and naive despite all that he had seen in his life. It almost made Gray feel selfish for being with him, for hindering what life he could have, yet he wasn't sure he would be able to rectify that. He wasn't sure he would be able to let River go, not without a fight.
"In the end, heartbreaking," Gray took a breath, not wanting River to see him crying, knowing that if he started he just wouldn't be able to stop himself, "but worth it. There aren't words to describe what it's like, the sense of security, the happiness, I couldn't think of anything to compare it to. It's unique, in its own way, there isn't anything that could replicate the feeling."
"I've never loved anyone before," River's voice dropped to a whisper, his lips parted as his paused, eyes locked onto Gray's, "but I think..." River swallowed, and Gray felt his chest tighten, "I think I might love you," there it was. Out in the open. Raw and intense, leaving River looking awfully vulnerable as he laid his cards out in front of Gray. The man couldn't have predicted those words in a thousand years, he couldn't have even thought he could find another that he cared for so much after Vince, and yet...
"I love you too, baby," he responded in an equally quiet voice, covering River's mouth with his own, sharing a soft, yet adoring, kiss with the boy. Fisting a hand into River's hair, Gray was reminded of his arousal when the boy practically keened into his touch, a whine mingling in with the hot breath shared in their kiss.
"I-I never believed in love," River admitted, breaking the kiss with Gray but staying close to the man, their lips still almost brushing against one another, "I didn't think it was possible. I didn't think I deserved it."
"Why could you ever think that, baby?" Gray lifted his head slightly, distancing himself with the boy enough to meet his eyes, seeing the fear there, lingering with the tears sat upon his eyelids, "everyone deserves love, of course you would have it someday. You haven't done anything wrong."
"I don't know, I just thought maybe something was wrong with me because of what I've done over the years," Gray suppressed his sigh, knowing it wouldn't help the situation. All roads led back to that damn website.
"Well, you were wrong, Riv," Gray pulled the covers tighter around the boy's shoulders, pressing a kiss to his forehead, "because I love you, and that won't ever change," River smiled, albeit not quite genuine, "I know it's five in the morning but do you want to grab something to eat and maybe go for a swim when the sun comes up? I don't really feel like sleeping either," River's smile lit up more, and he nodded, seeming more awake than he had before.
"Do your parents know you're gay?" River asked as the two of them walked downstairs to the kitchen. Luckily, Gray was familiar enough with his beach house that he could navigate the majority of the hallways in the dark. It wasn't too extensive for a house either, so it wasn't like either of them would get lost.
He had purchased it when he had married Vince, they were supposed to grow old there, raise a family, live until their end of days. That never happened and, when Vince died, Gray couldn't stand the sight of it, so he ran. He moved away, left the house in the care of his family, unable to bring himself to sell it despite the awful memories it withheld. In some sense, he was glad he hadn't. It was nice to have something to share with River, somewhere they could be safe together, safe and alone.
"Yeah, they came to my wedding, they're very accepting of me," Gray turned on the light in the kitchen, thinking for a moment about what he might make for himself and River. He wasn't too hungry, it was too early for that, but he could definitely eat. So long as it wasn't something too substantial.
"Would you ever tell them about me?" River perched on the counter by the fridge whilst Gray looked through what little food they had picked up. He had wanted to go shopping later that day, so they hadn't bought more than the essentials when they were on the way to the house. He almost wished he had gotten more, but he had been far too hungry for a whole different reason the previous evening. He had been down on patience and time was against them.
"They already know," Gray couldn't help but chuckle every time he saw that little flicker of confusion on the boy's face, "I told them I'm seeing someone, I didn't specify that this someone was my boss's son and a seventeen-year-old, but they seemed pleased I had moved on," Gray decided on grilled cheese, collecting a frying pan as he did so. He hadn't made one in a long time, it had been Vince's favourite.
"Am I your first relationship since Vince?"
"Yep," Gray wasn't exactly proud of how he had dealt with his grief after Vince's death, hence why he had neglected to mention him to River for all that time. He didn't want to get into revealing his alcoholism to River, or his dependency on other... recreational practices.
"But you got laid in between, right? I can't imagine someone like you just going celibate for that long," Gray hesitated for a moment, debating lying to the boy. Did he really need to know? Or would it worsen everything between them? Then again, maybe hiding things from him wasn't the best idea either, it had been the cause of many of the arguments that Gray had endured with Vince.
"I always had a thing for younger guys," Gray muttered, frowning as he watched the pan heat, "Vince did too, maybe I was just trying to be like him. It would have made sense to go for an older guy, but I didn't. I wasn't trying to replicate him... I think I was trying to be him," Gray sighed heavily, resting a hand on the counter next to River's thigh, avoiding the boy's eye despite how much comfort he usually took when he looked into those ice blue irises. He wanted to touch him, wanted to feel the heat of his skin against his palm, but he knew it would just skew his thoughts. He needed to be focused then, he didn't want to say something he might regret, reveal something that couldn't be forgotten.
"Everyone deals with grief differently," Gray couldn't deny the surprise he felt when River rested a hand atop his own, "what you did might not have been the best idea but it could have been a thousand times worse. So you screwed some youngers guys-"
"I slept with a fifteen-year-old, River," Gray snapped out, almost drowning in the wave of self-loathing that flowed over him, "he said he was eighteen, it was consensual, and he liked it, but it was still wrong. He was a minor, a minor beyond what you are. He wasn't even sixteen, for God sake, and I just... I..." Gray winced when River pushed him back, stepping in front of him and forcing him to look at the boy. The disgust Gray expected wasn't present, nor was the fear, or any other emotion similar. Instead, he actually looked sorrowful, hidden behind a rage that Gray wasn't sure the direction of.
"Like that's your fault, Gray. If the kid lied to you, knowing full well what your intentions were for the night, then it damn well isn't your fault. Stop beating yourself up about it. You said it yourself, the kid liked it, so it's not like you assaulted him in any way. It isn't rape, Gray, it was two consenting people-"
"The phrase is 'two consenting adults' for a reason, Riv, kids aren't supposed to do stuff like that," Gray tried to look away from River but the boy only tightened his grip on the man's jaw, keeping his head in place.
"He. Wanted. To. I can relate, Gray, I lost my virginity young too. It's not even that important, the first time sucks, it's better to get it out of the way with some guy you meet in a bar. That's what Vi always used to say anyway," Gray wasn't sure he agreed, however, he didn't want to continue on with the topic anymore. Nothing River could stay would stem the guilt swarming him, there was no point going along and letting the agony in when he could box it back up again. He'd explode at some point, but he'd just cross that bridge when he got to it.
"Have you had any other boyfriends?" Gray asked when he finally managed to peel River's hand from his jaw, returning to the grilled cheese, glad that it had yet to burn. He might have tried to brighten his voice, but that didn't mean he had shaken the frown from his face just yet.
"Not really, no one interested me like you do. I didn't want to be tied down to one person, that sounded awfully boring," Gray managed a chuckle, even though it wasn't the strongest. It was a start.
"Monogamy was boring to you? You didn't like the idea of growing old with someone? Waking up to see the same smiling face every morning? Marriage? A family?" Gray couldn't exactly tease River for his opinions, he had probably had the same ones when he was the boy's age. No one young cared for love, not in the same way one did when they aged. It became more important, more imperative to strive for. One would change for it, die for it, anything. That was all Gray had dreamed of since Vince, just someone to love.
"Same old smile, same old jokes, same old sex. That didn't exactly sound exhilarating."
"Should I expect that you'll get bored of me one day?" Gray had meant to make a joke, if only he didn't sound so forlorn. It was a genuine fear, there was only so much humour could do to cover it. And, no doubt, River would have picked up on the change in his tone.
"Oh, Gray, getting rid of me won't be that easy."