The week crawled in a horrible blur. I moved with my eyes glazed over. My parents held fuzzy conversations before and after school. Class lectures diminished in my ears. Words and numbers on my homework ran together no matter how hard I squinted. The football team babysat me in a burly, testosterone-laden, greasy fog.
A continuum of 'what if' questions circled in my brain. What if Logan did nothing? What if Jake found out? What if my reputation was ruined again? I couldn't have cared less what anyone outside my close inner circle thought of me, but I preferred to avoid being the school's social joke of all gossip again.
Every minute that passed this week aged me a century. Simultaneously, graduation day stretched further away. I kept to myself, only speaking to answer questions in class. To minimize the chance that Jake knew about my feelings for Logan, I sat through the cross-country team's practices with Harper. If football practice was boring, watching a herd of tall, thin-legged boys clomp around the same track on repeat was a snoozefest. Maybe that was why I dropped the F-bomb on Harper.
"Feelings?" she blinked as if I'd spoken another language.
"Hush," I whispered and tucked my head down. My cheeks burned, and I squeezed my clasped palms. "Yes, feelings. I caught feelings for Logan."
For now, I wrapped them in a thin veil and guarded them close to my heart. I liked Logan. A lot. Girly crush-level, embarrassing but true. His giant butt wedged into my brain, and I missed him. These weren't dangerous feelings but new. Having them without a safety net of assurance was scary. If Logan decided to fuck me over, ruining Jake's game for revenge, it would leave me disappointed, but I didn't want to believe that's who he was. His silent mode wasn't helping. Now I knew why Jake hated mine so much.
"Wow. I'm happy for you, Elle. Fuck, what are you going to do about..." Harper's voice faded, and her eyes shifted to the team practicing on the far end of the field. "For once, I can't fucking wait for the game. Thanks for bringing the fireworks."
"No fireworks. And if you say a word, then I'll disown you."
She pulled up the corners of her mouth. "Exactly how does one disown a friend?"
"No idea." I huffed a short breath. "I'll make you sit next to Jake every time you come over for dinner."
"Let's got get hasty here. And relax, I don't need another excuse not to talk to Jake." Her smirk faded into a soft smile. "I hope Adonis treats you well. Because the moment he fucks up and hurts your feelings, I'm turning his avocados into guacamole."
"I know." I smiled at my clasped hands. "He knows, by the way. About... you know."
Her head snapped to me, and she gasped. "Knows knows? Fuck, how did he react?"
How could anyone react? I shrugged one shoulder. "It's not his place to fix me."
"Never thought you were broken." The guilt in her eyes contrasted with her words.
Harper didn't need to know that I climbed Logan like a tree, but I did tell her about my Mary's House experience. She sat silent and hugged me with her blue eyes crystallized with tears. Her vanilla-scented shoulder trembled against my chin, so I said, "It'll be okay. I've got a lot of work in the self-improvement department, but I'm optimistic." Jake said he'd quit going to parties. Hopefully, physically distancing myself would stop my nightmares. It wasn't a perfect plan, but a place to start.
"I'm proud of you, Ellie," she whispered and squeezed the air out of my lungs. "And I hope Logan works out."
What was Logan up to? My phone was silent, but I checked it often. How many girls did he need to apologize to? The idea of hundreds made my stomach sick, but I tried to suppress those doubts creeping up in the absence of tangible proof.
I checked my phone like a drug addict jonesing for a fix. Harper caught me staring at my phone to magically force a message to appear. I was grateful for her sympathetic smile and her support, and I wished she knew the entire situation. Fuck, wish I knew myself.
My parents noticed my disengagement in our breakfast and dinner conversations. I caught their side-eye looks when I pushed away full plates of food and excused myself. Wednesday the USC recruiter called. Scouts would be present, who wanted to meet our parents. Mom and Dad hung up that call with beaming smiles and watery eyes, which reinforced my conscious effort to avoid Jake. Derrick told me I could take Thursday evening off work, but his offer was pointless.
Fortunately, Jake seemed oblivious to my foggy state. He was so preoccupied with the practices and film study, but I didn't want him to think about anything beyond football. Similar preparations probably kept Logan busy.
My 'minimize Jake-exposure' plan was executed as I hoped. As an example of my driftless existence this week, I sat on a toilet in an empty stall in the girl's bathroom during Friday's pep rally. A buzz in my bag. I blinked at it. My phone worked! I unlocked it and my heart slowed down a beat at the message.
Harper: Hey, skipping the rally. Also got detention.
Harper: Totally worth it, will explain tonight.
What trouble had she gotten into this time? My phone buzzed again and, this time, there he was.
L: Hi Ellie.
L: Are you there? need to talk.
My fingers trembled and I typed so fast, every letter was wrong. I probably came off as too eager, but I didn't care.
Me: YES!!
The widest smile spread across my face. It relaxed the tension in my forehead and pinched my cheeks.
L: Hi baby. 😏
L: How are you?
Me: long week
Should I tell him how I feel? I should.
Me: I miss you.
My cheeks warmed at putting those words out there but his text bubbles appeared. I grounded my elbows on my thighs.
L: Same. 😉 Where are you?
Me: Right now? Sitting on a toilet.
L: I didn't need to know that specifically.
Me: You asked for honesty.
L: I did. So did you.
"Come on," I whispered. "Tell me already."
Me: And????????
L: It's been brought to my attention that I didn't properly ask you to Homecoming.
L: [ image attached ]
His fingers held up a piece of paper. I squinted at the scribbled writing, and my lips twitched at the words.
Ellie, will you go to Homecoming with me? Yes / No.
A smile spread high up into my cheeks. He already circled the 'yes.'
Me: Looks like you already have my answer.
L: It'd better be yes.
Me: Yours or mine.
L: Both.
Both? A quiet squeak erupted from my mouth. That meant he wanted us together. My heart wanted to burst through my chest, not from him asking me to the dance but from what he implied. Did he do the right thing? For us? Was there an us? Could I let myself hope there was an us? I needed to interpret him correctly. And I couldn't not take advantage of the chance to tease him.
Me: Maybe.
L: Of course.
"Not letting you off that easy," I whispered.
Me: Depends. Did you do the right thing?
L: I benched a few guys and told the team to focus on the season.
L: Big game tonight.
I blinked at his words but rustled traffic in the hallway cut my time short. I stood and sighed, stopping when a soft voice greeted me from the sinks. "Elle, hi."
She snapped me out of my Logan fog. My spine stiffened at the tall, thin girl washing her hands. Apprehension filled my voice, but I offered a tight smile. "Hi, Chloe."
Her returned smile didn't reach her eyes. "Looks like I'm not the only one who hides in here during pep rallies."
"Wasn't in the mood," I said. "How are you?"
Her gaze dropped to my feet. My pulse quickened from knowing why the corners of her eyes were puffy and pink. Almost the whole school congregated in the gym. "I'm okay."
"You sure?"
"I will be," her voice wavered with uncertainty. "I don't like football stuff."
The words, "I know," escaped before I caught them. Oh, fuck, I shouldn't have said that. It's her business, not mine.
Her eyes lifted and inspected mine with scrutiny more curious than offended. "Jake told you?"
"He gave me the crib notes about Salesian." I paused and rolled my lower lip under my teeth. How much should I share? We were in a bathroom that echoed every sound off the walls. And Logan was her ex. "And Logan told me about their game."
Her eyebrows raised, and she crossed her arms. "Logan Hightower? He apologized to me that night. I didn't think he remembered, but he sounded genuinely sorry."
"Good." I smiled, happy to hear that for her sake more than mine. Regardless of what happened between Logan and me, I could acknowledge and appreciate his recent growth.
A sparkle appeared in her eyes, turning them a golden color. "Are you dating? Jake's worried you two might be involved. I wasn't sure if I needed to thank you for Logan's improvements."
"Not." I wasn't Logan's self-improvement motivation, but I was impressed with his initiative. "I have no idea what we are, but it was because of you and not me."
She gasped and widened her eyes. "Me?"
"You." I nodded. "He said he stopped playing the game after he hurt you. Guess we have to believe him."
"Football players are idiots." Her face relaxed with a soft smile. "But I guess we're the bigger idiots for getting wrapped up in them."
"Speaking of idiot football players," I said as we maneuvered the crowded hallway. "Can I ask what happened with Jake?"
"It wasn't all him." Her voice was soft, but she clutched the backpack strap that looped over her shoulder. "But when he got angry, I couldn't process it."
"I know he's an asshole." I stepped to the side of the student salmon stream and placed a hand on her shoulder. "But, if he hasn't been to you, please consider giving him another chance. Give him a reason to be different."
Her eyes looked ahead, but she lingered close, so I continued with probably the worst but most honest sales pitch for my brother, "You'll hear about nothing but football. Every meal will be chicken parmesan and steamed broccoli for the next few months. He introduced you to me, left a party to take you on a date, and wants to take you to Homecoming. That's huge for him. He doesn't do that stuff. Any of it."
At her hesitant look, I added, "Trust me, then. I wouldn't say something like this to other girls about him. You calm him down, I've seen it." More than once.
Her eyes clouded over, and she seemed to consider my words. "I'll think about it, thanks."
"See ya, Chloe." Elbows and shoulders bumped my arms and the crowd swallowed her thin frame. I hadn't responded to Logan, so I stopped and leaned against the wall.
Me: Very proud of you.
Three dots appeared right away.
L: You should be. Rough week.
L: You need to come over and show me some appreciation. 😉
L: First, answer my question.
"I can't even imagine what you'd consider appreciation," I said with a smile. He wasn't off the hook, and we had loose ends to tie up, but we had a reason to talk.
Me: You need to tell me the whole story first, so I know your intentions.
What I wanted to say was feelings, but I'd used that word enough.
L: I'd rather show you.
L: Tonight.
The idea flipped my internal heart-thumping switch on again. A big smile pulled across my lips as I typed out my reply.
Me: but I think you know my answer is...
Me: .
Me: .
Me: .
L: Tell me already baby.
Me: Y
Me: E
Me: S
Me: 😊
Me: Not sure how your school will react if you bring Ellie Harrison though.
L: Ellie. 😊 I wish I could kiss you now.
"Aww..." I whispered. Heat surged through my cheeks. I cupped my phone to my chest for a few breaths, and my heart beat faster than normal. Light flutters rushed through me as if my body skittered in giddiness. One word in our history caught my eye. "Wait, what? Tonight!?"
No, no, no, no, fuck no, not tonight! Their game was tonight. The game. Recruiters. Division champ rivals. Where I had to toss the coin. I started to type 'NOooooooo' when large hands appeared and snatched my phone. I blinked at the thin air between my fingers, which twitched a few times.
A taunting voice asked behind me, "And just who are you texting?"
Jake! I squeaked at his voice behind me. No, no, no. I whirled around, and my hair whipped my cheeks. My phone sat in his hands, my conversation with Logan open on the screen. A dropping feeling seized my stomach.
No! I leaped and clawed at his arm like a rabid wild animal. A chilling sensation flooded me as his gaze lowered to the screen, and my voice strained, "Jake, don't look at that!"
Too late. His eyes scanned the messages. They hardened with each louder pound of my heart. "Who's L? Tell me L isn't that asshole Hightower," he demanded in a low, tight voice, and he dragged his thumb through my history. "What the fuck? Are you going to Homecoming with him!? And why in the fuck of all fucks is he talking about kissing you!?"
Of course, this would be the time my mind went completely blank. Think, Ellie! Unfortunately, only one name came to my mind. I spewed out Seaside High's creepy janitor from the kissing booth. Beyond gross, Ellie. "Umm, Larry?"
"Larry, hmm." The tick in Jake's jaw slacked, and he whipped out his phone. I jumped and grabbed for mine again, but he raised his arm and punched his screen. What was he doing? A chill raised the hairs on the back of my neck.
I jumped again. Stupid short legs and arms! My only success was I pulled his arm down far enough to see that he pulled up Logan's number from the contact name against his phone history. When did he get that?
"That's what I thought," he grumbled and shifted his eyes between our screens.
Fuck, busted. I swallowed. and my voice was small and feeble. "Jake, please-"
"Ellie. What. The. Fuck." As Jake's eyes lifted over the screens to mine, they stretched wide, and his mouth dropped agape. "You're still texting... him!? Fucking Hightower!?"
"It's not what you think." I reached for my phone and missed it again. "Please let me explain."
"This bullshit explains enough." He held my phone over my head and thumbed through more of my text history. "You said you were blocking his number. Now you're going to Homecoming!?"
"I did." I sucked in a sharp breath. "I mean, I-I was, I-"
"You-you're seeing this guy! Behind my back! Fuck, Ellie. He calls you... baby!?" His voice spat venom at me with each sharp breath he exhaled. "After what I told you?"
My mind's short-term meltdown didn't help. "No. Maybe? I don't know."
All of the telltale signs surfaced as he shifted into angry-Jake mode. For the first time, they directed at me. I shrank back, recoiling as his chest swelled with each breath. His nostrils flared, his jaw clenched, and his eyes shifted darker with each blink. Towering over me, his hands held a white-knuckled grip on our phones.
Oh shit, this was bad. My heart raced, and restlessness surged through me. I wrung my hands and chewed at my lower lip. He paced, his thumb jabbing my screen to thrust it through. "Honestly, Jake, it's not - Settle down."
"Shit, Ellie. You lied to me!" His fingers tightened around my phone to crack the screen. "You've been talking to him for more than a month."
"Jake, yes, but -" My words were seized by the dryness choking my throat. It didn't matter what I said; his ears were deaf. His eyes darkened and bored into mine. I swallowed. Jake had two levels of anger, short bursts that dissolved and massive blowouts that started with a slow burn. This was the slowest burn I'd ever seen develop.
"I should've laid his ass out when I had the chance." His voice came out smooth as the calm before a storm. My stomach lurched into my dry throat when false accusations flooded out of his mouth, "Did that asshole hurt you? If he did, then, fuck, I swear I'll-"
"No. I mean, yes. But, not like you think." My sense of honesty wasn't helping.
Jake's face darkened, one shade at a time to blotches of scarlet. "Did you sneak away with him behind my back!?" His voice moved from steady and resolute to edged with an angry rage that simmered beneath the surface. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Ellie?"
"No, no, but kinda yes, and I'm sorry." My voice shook, and I clenched his forearm. "Please let me explain, for your sake."
"My sake!? How the fuck has any of this been about me?" His voice bordered a strangled scream, and he shook my hand with a jerk of his elbow.
I stepped back under the weight of a few curious stares in our direction. "Not as much as you think." The hallway crowd slowed, and whispers hissed at us. "Calm down, please. I'll explain after the game today."
"Against him!" His angry shout rattled a few students passing by, who jumped like they'd been shouted at. My eyes widened as Jake's fingers now strangled my phone. Disgust seeped out in every word he spat at me, "How could you do this, Ellie? He's using you to get to me. Screw up my head space before the game," he muttered.
We went from not at all about him to only about him. I had the common sense not to say that Jake's theory held merit before, but not anymore. "He's not like that. Not with me."
"Oh, he's different, huh?" His voice dripped with sarcasm, and malice darkened his eyes. "Like all the other assholes I have to block from hitting on my sister. They're all magically different when it comes to you, Ellie."
What the hell did that mean? "What are you talking about?" I frowned at his nonsensical words and made a feeble attempt to grab my phone, which he still strangled.
"Don't play stupid, Ellie," he growled. "I can't believe you're with him. He's -"
"If you would let me explain!" My fists squeezed at my sides. He wasn't letting me speak! I wasn't with Logan, at least I didn't -
Jake waved his hand, still wrapped around my phone. "Do you have any idea of how much he could hurt you? How much he hurt others, like Chloe? How can you not fucking understand!?"
There he went with general assumptions again. "What about Chloe?"
Jake's dark brown irises bled into his black pupils. "Being with another football player was too much. He fucked her up. She was on their game roster about who could sleep with her the fastest. He won, and she lost. And you're next." He pointed my phone at me but yanked it away from my desperate fingers.
His words hit me like an avalanche. Chloe was proof of what kind of relationship he thought I would have with Logan. One he'd never support. Despite every internal pacification cell in my body waving white flags of surrender, I chose the truth. "Jake, I know."
"You do!? And you still snuck away with that asshole?" he roared.
I held up my palms. "Calm down. Nobody snuck away behind your back."
"What? You think he's trustworthy." The corner of Jake's lip curled back. "You're so fucking naïve, Ellie! I want to shake you sometimes."
Where was this coming from!? "I do," I snapped. His insulting and coddling me like a child was unwanted and unnecessary. "He told me everything. Why would he do that? He laid it all out there, and I think he feels terrible. He stopped playing that game, and he's not using me."
"Ellie, listen to yourself." Exasperation soaked every word, and he jabbed the air between us with my phone. "You can't believe a word he says. He's manipulative and lying to your face. He's trying to fuck you, and in doing so, fuck with me."
"Jake, please. If you would listen to me," I pushed out in a husky voice. His angry face blurred under the prick of hot tears. "You'll see it's -"
He groaned and clenched my phone."You're so stupid, Ellie! You fucking think you're 'that girl' like in your romance stories," he gestured with air quotes. "The one who's 'so special.' That one amazing girl who gets a lifetime asshole to change!"
"Jake," I whispered. Sharp as knives, his words tore into me. Two large tears rolled over my eyes and tickled down my cheeks.
"Ellie." Jake brought his fist and my phone to his forehead. He closed his eyes for a breath, flipped them open, and locked his gaze on me. His voice volume lowered but not the razor edge of warning, "He's playing you. You're only some stupid fucking prize. You don't mean anything to him, except he gets a two-for-one by using your pussy to get to me."
"Jake!" A spark of anger flickered inside me and absorbed the tears back into my eyes. How could he say that's all I was worth? I felt unfairly insulted, attacked, and frankly... Bullied. "I really think he's changed!"
In two steps, he towered over me and cast a shadow from the overhead lights. "Shit, Ellie, you didn't sleep with him, did you!?" he demanded in a low but even tone.
He's gone insane.
I literally have no other explanation.
My cheeks chilled and tingled like the blood drained from them. Horrified silence stole my words. I couldn't speak through the cotton sensation that dried my tongue and choked my mouth. How could he have this conversation in public? And how were those intimate details in my life any of his fucking business?
Tiny flames of anger flickered in my stomach. They surged outwork until my fists and teeth clenched, my skin crawled like an army of ants marched down from my shoulders to my toes and everywhere in between, and my pulse throbbed in my veins. Any words my brain formulated evaporated inside my mouth, dry from the tip of my tongue to the back of my throat from how long it hung open. I shook my head, and the word "No," tasted bitter as I spat it into his chest.
The stress lines etched around the corners of his eyes and mouth slacked. For every inch of relaxation, he took, the angrier I became. Each breath became shorter than the one before, and the Santa Cruz emblem on his T-shirt blurred. Every nerve ending in my fingers buzzed. I squeezed my fists so hard that my fingernails cut into the flesh of my palms.
How dare he! Against my restraint and better judgment, my anger provoked me into the stupidest reaction. I wanted him hurt and embarrassed, his judgment to be called into question, and him identified as wrong.
"But I wanted to!" I found my voice for the first time in this conversation and jabbed the words with my finger in his chest. "I wanted to sleep with him, but he stopped it. He stopped. Then he told me the truth. Today, before you started screaming at me, he said that the game is all over."
"And, I believe him, not you! That he's turned himself around. Not for me, but because he's not as bad as you think." I inhaled, puffed up my chest, and crossed my arms. My tears ran in streams, but I glared through them and lifted my chin. "You're wrong, Jake. I l-"
"Ellie!"
In horrifying slow motion, his right hand threw my phone at the cement hallway wall. The crunched sound of hard plastic slammed a few inches away from my head, and I flinched. My poor phone slid down the wall, where pieces shattered, and it fell to its death. Spiderweb cracks creased the screen, and more broke off the back upon impact with the tiled floors.
If that wasn't enough, Jake lifted his gigantic foot, smashed his heel down, and obliterated what remained of my phone. With a sickening crunch, several pieces fell off. He lifted his foot to the tinkling of shattered glass. The sim card was wrenched at an unnatural angle, and the battery was detached.
"You wanted to. You fuckin g lied, Ellie. Behind my back." His low, cold tone was full of hatred. The index finger on his now empty hand pointed at the pile of broken and exposed plastic, metal circuits, and wires next to my foot. "This is on you."
"You didn't hear anything I said." The fragmented black screen reflected multiple versions of Jake's cold expression and blurred under my tears.
"Doesn't matter," he muttered under his breath. He parted the crowded hallway like Moses and the Red Sea, which filled in behind him.
A stony silence of curios eyes pressed on me. My knees almost gave out as I knelt on the cold hallway floor. A raspy sigh escaped me, and I leaned into the wall. With trembling fingers, I tried to pick up as many broken pieces as possible. Some were as small as dust. The battery was mangled, and a diagonal cut went through the circuit. I clutched the broken sim card to my chest. This was my birthday present.
Hundreds of feet passed by stepped on my phone, or nudged me. Numbness coated me and blurred the bodies around me into nonexistence. Jake had always been protective, but never attacked me like this. The hateful, disappointed look in his eyes burned in my chest, where I curled my phone and sniffled.
"Elle, is that you down there?" a kind male voice asked. Worn sneakers stepped into my view. "Are you okay?"
A pair of worn-out jeans, a varsity football jacket, and a familiar friendly face hovered over me, although not from the most attractive angle up his nose. Sympathy flooded his soft brown eyes. Brody's tall, lanky frame knelt. He swept the remaining plastic into his palm, then handed it to me. His eyes searched mine, and he offered a shy but kind smile. "What happened?"
My cheeks burned hot, and I dropped my eyes to my shaky hands. "Jake smashed my phone."
Brody grabbed my elbow and pulled me up. Both my hands shook so much that my knuckles bumped my chest, and tears flowed beyond my control. Congestion tickled my nose, and I cradled what remained of my phone's frame.
"Ouch." He coughed and stepped back. "He found out about you and Logan, huh?"
My eyebrows drew together. Either Logan told him, or everyone heard Jake screaming. This was such a gossipy school. "What do you know about me and Logan?"
Brody's laugh bobbed his throat. "He's my brother. I know."
What did that mean? How much had Brody been spying on me? I wasn't sure how to feel about that. An annoyance for sure, but also a relief that Brody's interests were for Logan. "Why?"
"At first, it was for, uhh, retribution. Please don't tell Jake." His mouth pulled into a firm line. He didn't need to spell it out. We both knew what happened if Jake also knew. Brody's face would end up worse than my phone's crumpled condition.
"I won't." My voice was meek and husky, and congestion threatened to cut off breathing through my nose. I ducked my head at a few phones aimed at me. "I need to go."
The hallway walls and warm bodies compressed on me the more steps I took. My breath shortened into a hitch, and I dipped my chin down. Whispers and nosey eyes passed me, resurfacing an unsettled feeling. I shivered and clenched my clammy hands, spinning on my heel for the exit because there was no way I could stay anymore.
Fucking humiliating.
How could he do this to me?