~~Fucked Up~~
When she came into school the next morning, Aaliyah knew she had fucked up.
A lot of photos taken of her and Xavier whilst he took her around the city had enough time to go viral and circulate around the socials so the entire school knew exactly what she was doing on her day off from school. Including her teachers, so not only did she have to deal with detention that day, but she also had to deal with incredibly invasive questions about her and Xavier and Jacks, and all at the same time did she have to deal with the clawing sensation in her stomach that Aaliyah associated with her guilt after what happened between her and Xavier the night before.
They kissed for a while in the very confined space of the front of his Lexus. She wasn't sure why she was surprised, but Xavier was a very talented kisser. He knew all the right moves to pull, all the right ways to touch her as they kissed to make her melt and sigh and moan. Which, she supposed with his extensive experience it was a given. She knew she was doing a good job too, when he groaned or tried pushing her closer, it was gratifying. So was the stirring butterflies in her stomach.
Then she finally managed to pull away long enough to get away and upstairs to the apartment, still in a daze and it was only until she got up to the apartment and found the Waters' and Jacks sitting around in their living room waiting for her that the guilt toppled down on her head like a bunch of bowling balls falling off a shelf right onto her head.
Malcolm was the first to move when she stepped out of the elevator into the apartment and bundle her up in an almost suffocating bear hug. She yelped out in surprise before despite whatever resentment she had towards him, she hugged him back. Her guilt was crushing her and was heavy on her heart. Having someone who loved her regardless hug her like Malcolm did regardless of what there was between them, made that burden a little easier to bear. And witnessing the love Xavier had with his mother made her understand that maybe her relationship with Malcolm wasn't as long-lasting as the traditional parent-child relationship, it felt the same to her anyway.
They figured out where she had been when pictures of Aaliyah and Xavier at the Statue of Liberty started trending on Twitter a few hours after it had been taken. Apparently, they had all been worried about where she'd been since she wasn't responding to anyone's texts or calls. It wasn't even until then that Aaliyah noticed that Jen and Malcolm had been calling her too. The guilt only just piled on more and more until she felt sick to her stomach. She didn't think that everyone would worry about her so much. She didn't think much about anyone. It was selfish, and now she had stressed out some of the people closest to her. Her family.
She didn't know what else to say or do except to apologize. She didn't have an explanation for why she decided to go radio silent. Or at least not an explanation she could find good enough. She felt as though she was on the verge of tears, but she didn't want to do that and give everyone a reason to feel sorry for her. She was the villain here, not everyone else. She was the one downstairs kissing a boy, who wasn't her boyfriend for that matter, whilst the rest of her family was going out of their minds wondering if she was dead. And that included her boyfriend.
She finally got the opportunity to be alone with Jacks after everyone had their time and Aaliyah couldn't but feel overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing and love for Jacks when he came over to hug her tightly. She felt an inch away from breaking and tearing up. She knew she fucked up then too. "Jacks, I'm so sorry for everything," She said trying to keep her voice steady, "Nothing that's happened between us warranted what I did today. And I care about you so much. So much. It was selfish and my reasons for doing it seem to lose its value now."
Jacks didn't say a word for a long moment and Aaliyah couldn't help but wonder if she could smell Xavier on her. If he could tell that she wasn't loyal. She felt her heart crack open with the hurt she knew Jacks would feel and more if he ever knew that. And regardless of all their problems, he was family. She would never let him feel that type of pain. This type of pain she'll carry alone. It just sucked so bad. Because knowing how she felt about Jacks, she just knew a part of her was still with Xavier. And that was the worst thing.
The only good thing Aaliyah thought came out of all of this, was the fact that she was back on speaking terms with Malcolm and Blair again, which was a relief. And the fact that she didn't have to rely on Willa for breakfast the next morning. That was thanks to Yazmine.
It was a lot of work to avoid the both of them considering how interwoven they were in her life. But then there was the keeping what happened between her and Xavier from Blair a little harder. There wasn't much Aaliyah kept from Blair, who tended to help her rationalize her problems, but Aaliyah couldn't tell her this. She didn't want to put Blair in a position where she would have to choose between her and Jacks that was not something she was okay with. She'd rather suffer alone.
She didn't have a session with Xavier so she managed to avoid him entirely on Tuesday, but not so much on Wednesday. Thankfully, Xavier hadn't tried texting her since Monday night which made it easier for her to gather her thoughts and plan what she was going to say to him without him messing with her thoughts more than he already has. She found herself thinking about that night way too often than should be allowed, if at all. That kiss was world-ending. She felt it in her soul like the world was crashing down around her, but she didn't care. It was something that was tattooed onto her soul forever. She was changed because of it. And she hated it.
So when that Wednesday afternoon came after school, she knew what she had to do.
Aaliyah stepped into the Red Room hesitantly as though afraid of what she would see when really it was probably only Xavier, but after that night, that was terrifying enough.
He was sitting at the soundboard, his headphones over his ears, softly bobbing his head to whatever he was listening to. Every so often spinning the dials or pushing the faders up or down. Aaliyah wondered if he was working on their song, and the thought brought a smile to her lips, tilting her head as she watched him in his zone, and she caught herself quickly. Quit it, she told herself firmly. She couldn't watch him like this, not only was it creepy, but it was just wrong for so many other reasons. At the top of that list being Jacks.
When she let the door behind her close, Xavier stopped what he was doing, pulling his headphones down around his neck before turning to look at her at the door and he paused as though halted in his tracks by just the sight of her and he breathed in deeply. And with just that exchange it was like reliving that moment in the car all over again. It felt like a still-image now when she thought about it, like one moment stuck in a single instance of time. Time wasn't a concept then. Like they had been locked in a different dimension that did not affect the things that happened here.
She tried to keep herself sighing, slightly disappointed. So there goes the hope that Xavier was going to pretend like Monday didn't happen. Aaliyah thought that maybe it would be easy on her if Xavier just continued as though nothing happened, maybe it would be easier for her to pretend like the air wasn't charged with electricity when their eyes met.
She breathed out a nervous laugh, averting her gaze as she stalked over to the soundboard beside him, dropping her bag beside her. "Hey," She said with a calm smile trying her best not to look at him looking at her, "Are you working on the song?"
Xavier was quiet for a moment and Aaliyah chanced a glance at him. He was still staring at her, his expression could have been just blank if Aaliyah wasn't paying close attention, his jaw was working and his mouth was parted slightly as though he was about to say something on the top of his tongue. "Xavier?" She called again bringing her hand to her chain twining her fingers around it anxiously.
He cleared his throat straightening suddenly as though collecting his thoughts. "Oh yeah," He said stammering a little and Aaliyah couldn't help but stare at him blown away. Xavier was hardly known for being disoriented. Or awkward, he was usually so smooth and cool and collected, stammering seemed to be a little beneath him. "I was making last-minute changes to the backing track. I think maybe the crescendo is a little too loud. It would kind of drown you out which defeats the point of you singing soprano at the hook. I also made a few more changes here and there to the arrangement to make it a little softer, more intimate, but like still you."
Aaliyah gnawed on her bottom lip. "Intimate huh?" She echoed, but Xavier didn't seem to be paying attention though, already back in his zone. He took his headphones off and then put them over her head.
"Listen to this," Xavier said and he pressed the play button, and the track sounded in her ears.
Xavier was a brilliant producer, he knew exactly what to create in tune with her. Though she couldn't lie, she hadn't trained her ears to be able to detect all the changes he made, but she could tell that the tempo was slowed down just a bit, the sax was more isolated to create an empty almost mournful moment in the piece, like the type of music one would play at a funeral. The saxophone faded more smoothly into the first verse. He was right, there was a sense of intimacy that really only belonged in a love song. It was almost soothing, maybe a little romantic. And when she glanced over at Xavier was studying her expression almost anxiously as though wracking his brain trying to figure out what she was thinking, she realized that he wasn't trying to gauge her opinion of the song from her. But about how she was feeling.
She felt a pang in her heart as she took the headphones off. Xavier frowned at her pausing the track. "You haven't even gotten to the crescendo yet." He pointed out, and Aaliyah decided she wasn't going to ask how he knew how far along in the track she was, "Why'd you stop? Did you not like it?"
Aaliyah sighed shaking her head, "No" She said softly meeting his gaze, "I loved it. But Xavier, I can't sing this song."
Xavier raised a brow looking between the headphones and her. "Why not? You were happy to sing it before."
"That was before that night," She replied with a sigh, and he flinched, "Monday was amazing, Xavier. It was a nice break from reality, but we're back now. And we can't do that again, and I really want to pretend like what happened in your car didn't happen."
Aaliyah watched with a sinking feeling as a look of hurt flashed in his dark eyes before his coffee-colored eyes darkened considerably. He stood up from his chair swearing as he did and he started pacing behind her. Aaliyah turned in her seat to look at him with a worried frown. "I don't want to hurt you, it's the last thing I want. Please understand."
Xavier barked out a laugh still not looking at her. A chill ran down her spine, she had seen him annoyed or frustrated, or aloof before, but this was different. She hadn't seen him angry before. She wasn't sure she liked it. "I think you're a little late for that, Lia," He replied, his voice tight, and freezing. She felt her heart pang as she bit down on her lip nervously, "Who am I supposed to get to sing the song if you won't do it?"
"You could get Madison, she's sung loads of your songs before, and there are loads of girls signed to the album I'm sure they'd—"
"No one would do it justice like you do!" Xavier yelled turning on her.
She flinched, unable to help it, as she stared at him with wide eyes unsure of how to approach him like this. It only dawned on her now how much she fucked up. He had never been so angry at her before, or whatever he was.
Xavier must have seen her anxiety because he seemed to calm down a little. "When I wrote this song, I never intended on releasing it or selling it to anyone. It was too personal for me to release it to the world so everyone could see a part of me I wasn't ready to show, and it was too personal to just give it away, but then I met you and I heard your voice and by then, the song was long forgotten, but you made me remember it again. And working with you, learning about you, and understanding who you are, only made me more certain that if I was going to release this song, it would have to be you to sing it. You're the only one who could sing it and everything I felt would be reflected in your voice."
Aaliyah felt her throat tighten as she sucked in a breath looking up at him with wide eyes. Her heart sitting in her chest like a dead piece of mass. It only needed to be ripped out of her chest. She closed her eyes tight. "Xavier," She breathed out softly, her eyes stinging. His words had so much pain in them, so much hurt, it was almost choking, "You can't say things like that."
"Why not?" Xavier demanded, his voice sharp, throwing his hands up exasperatedly, looking at her, "Did you know that those weren't the original lyrics? I'm pretty sure you know that, you read the old lyrics a long time ago. I changed some of them a little, I made it a love song, and as a writer, I know you should only write what you know. You know what I was thinking of when I wrote the lyrics?"
"Xavier?" She breathed out warningly.
Xavier's smile was bitter and tinged her blood like it was acid to her veins. "I was thinking about you." He said and it only made her shudder. For someone who was admitting feelings for another person, he definitely wasn't happy about it, "I never wanted to admit it. I tried forever to try and ignore how I felt, but it was so hard. And it was only worse when we had to spend hours on end working together. And when we weren't together I'd have to fight to stop thinking about you. And I always thought about you. Writing this song was my only relief because at least I was putting whatever I felt into words."
Aaliyah stammered over her words not knowing what to say. "I have a boyfriend, Xavier—"
"You think I don't know that!" He yelled his voice straining, his dark eyes bright with anger and frustration and something else. "And you didn't seem to care all that much then."
Aaliyah got up to her feet at that her chair falling back in her suddenness and she looked at him. Even standing she still had to lift her head up to meet his gaze. "You want me to be honest, then fine," She cried, frustration boiling in her veins, "Maybe I liked that kiss. Maybe a huge part of me never wanted to leave you, maybe I wished that I wasn't with Jacks. But the fact is, is that I am. And I really care about him, Xavier, I can't break his heart like this. I don't want to. I can't do this with you."
Xavier stepped towards her so that he was basically standing over her. "You think I want to?" He demand, his lips curled, "I hate this. Wanting something I can't have. Feeling torn up about it whenever I looked at you and knew you weren't for me. I've never felt like this about someone before and it was terrifying to realize that I did feel this way. And you're so concerned about Jacks' feelings now, but what happens the next time he fucks up. Are you going to come back to me again?"
"You don't get to throw that in my face," She snapped her eyes burning, "You're the one who invited me out."
"And you said yes. And you know why you said yes, because you knew that I would never treat you like what you want doesn't matter, not like Jacks does." Xavier replied, his voice insistent, and then his expression softened slightly, "And I let you. You have no idea what it's like to constantly need to know that you're okay and to constantly live with the knowledge that you could hurt me like no one else ever has. You think I want to live like this. It's exhausting."
Aaliyah stepped closer her chest almost touching his as she kept her gaze on his. "Then stop," She breathed, "If caring about me is so painful and such a nuisance to you. Stop. You'll be doing us both a favor. You'll make it easier for me to move past all of this." You, was what she really wanted to say, to move past you.
Xavier snorted softly, under his breath his hand resting on the bend between her collarbone and her neck. His thumb resting on her cheek and she found herself leaning into his touch despite the moral turmoil churning her stomach, she could feel her heart slamming loud again. He made her weak. He chipped at her walls until she was helpless against his storm and all he had to do was stare at her like he always did. And if she was going to have to spend her time working with him, working on a song that only echoed those feelings wasn't going to work.
"I can't. That's what hurts so much. I can't stop, and the fact that you could even ask me that means that you really don't understand how much power you have over me."
"Power?" She echoed, staring up at him. Xavier was staring at her like she was something precious, priceless, something he couldn't afford to lose. And Aaliyah didn't know how to feel, a part of her wanted to get away before she was in too deep, before she couldn't find her way back, but the other part of her wanted to stay close to him. To hold and comfort him because he hurt. She felt like she could lose herself in him if she stayed, maybe drown for a while. She couldn't imagine that it would hurt. It was overwhelming. "Xavier, I don't have to tell you how ridiculous that sounds."
The corner of his mouth lifted up in an awkward smile and his pain was raw in it. "Well it's true," He said in a soft voice, his lashes lowered as he stared back at her, and Aaliyah found herself wondering how many people he must have seduced with this look, "You have no idea how true it is. And you have to believe me because I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than admit feelings like this unless it wasn't killing me inside."
Aaliyah let out a choked laugh turning her gaze away before she bit down hard on her lip. "Maybe I do believe you," She said in a soft voice, "But you have a reputation, Xavier. How do I know that you're not going to get bored of me in a couple—"
Xavier didn't let her finish her sentence before he grabbed her by the waist pressing her against him and pressed his lips to hers and at first, she was stunned still and stiff against him.
She blinked rapidly a mixture of horror and shock stirring in her stomach, her hands pressed flat against his chest ready to push him back. Then his hands circled around her, holding onto her for dear life. His callused hands were gentle against the thin material of her polo shirt and she sank into his hold, running her hands up his chest to the back of his neck, moaning softly against his mouth, her eyes fluttering shut, about to deepen the kiss when Jacks' worried eyes wafted in the front of her memory and it was like a rock landed on her head knocking her back to her senses and she wrenched herself out of his hold, breathless as she gave herself a distance from him, obviously unable to trust that she could control herself so close to him.
Xavier's eyes were dark like it had been on Monday, and it stirred butterflies in her stomach and a longing she knew was alien to her, but feelings only Xavier seemed to wake in her, she didn't recall ever feeling this way about Jacks, like staying away was like mental torture. It was so painful keeping her distance, but she had betrayed Jacks, twice now, and every time she found herself feeling this way, she was betraying him. There was penance for that.
"You can come up with whatever excuse in the book if you like, but I know the way I feel," Xavier said, his voice rasping like he was just waking up, and Aaliyah felt her stomach bottom out because of it, "And I have never felt this way about anyone before. Boredom is out of the question for me. All I want is—"
"Xavier, I can't." Her eyes burned when she finally made herself look away and her voice cracked, pressing her lips together tightly to keep herself from saying more. If she continued talking she was sure she would start crying, and crying would make him feel bad, he would want to comfort her, touch her, but she couldn't touch him. Not anymore.
Xavier looked just as pained as she did, and he opened his mouth to say something, probably to argue some more. She supposed he could see everything just by reading her face. Xavier seemed to be able to read her like an open book, always seemed like he was able to, or he just seemed to understand her like no one else did.
He sighed. "You're right," He replied lifting his head to the ceiling and cursing aloud as though he realized he lost something important. "You're so fucking right, and I wish you weren't. And the last thing I want to do is put you in a position where you're only hurting yourself, but fuck, I want you so much, Lia, unbelievably so."
Aaliyah didn't reply. What could she say? That she wanted him too? That she wanted him so much it tore her apart inside trying to keep her distance? But the right thing didn't always feel good, sometimes it was the most painful thing she could do, and she loved Jacks, maybe she wasn't in love with him, but losing him would hurt her more than losing what she had with Xavier, something barely existing, something new, like little buds before the spring when they bloom. Losing this would have to be the sacrifice she makes. She just wished it didn't have hurt so much.
Xavier turned away, his back to her now and she bit down on her lip to hold back her whimper, resting her chin on her shoulder. Xavier turned back to her suddenly and Aaliyah stared back at him with fresh tears building along the rim of her eyes. "Maybe we're just like right person but wrong time." He suggested, a tinge of hope in his eyes, and Aaliyah realized that hope was the only thing he was holding onto. It was a thin lifeline, but it was durable.
Aaliyah tried for a smile and nodded. "Maybe," She breathed, "We'd have to try and be civil. Try and work together, and be friends. We don't need anyone to know about this."
Xavier shuddered, taking a deep breath and he cupped the back of his neck with his hands, his elbows pointed out. "Lia, I'll do whatever you want. But please," The pain in his words when he said please rung in her own heart, and hurt, "Don't ask me to be your friend. I can't do that to myself."
Aaliyah nodded tightly her mouth clamped shut. She couldn't even have him as a friend. Had she shot herself in the foot in a way that she was losing the Xavier she had learned to care about before she really got the opportunity to know him? "Okay," She squeaked out in a choked voice avoiding Xavier's gaze as she ducked her head passing him to grab her bag off the floor and rush out of the room before the first tears spilled down her cool cheeks.
Suffice to say, Aaliyah hadn't been in the best mood after that.
Her instinct was to call up Blair and Jacks and find out if they were busy so she could find some type of way to distract herself from the mess that was the current state of her relationship with Xavier, but it was Blair who dropped her off at the label and she couldn't come up with a reason as to why she was skipping an entire session with Xavier only three months before the release, so instead, she sought out Jen, who was in the middle of her guitar lesson.
She couldn't help but feel a little nauseous when she sat in on her lesson with her teacher, Malia, she remembered her name was. Remembering when Xavier told her that he sometimes sat in for Jen's teacher to teach her guitar when she couldn't pull through, and then she found herself remembering the afternoon before the Winter Showcase they spent working on four walls. He loved the guitar, she knew, almost as much as the piano. And she thought she could see that same passion in Jen as she strummed her guitar.
She tried to lose herself in the soft music emanating from the guitar as she and her teacher talked and laughed occasionally. She closed her eyes so she could just focus on the music instead, but every time she did, she saw the stricken look on Xavier's face only moments before, and it felt like her heart was collapsing in on itself constantly.
"Lia?"
Aaliyah's eyes flew open and she met Jenny's concerned gaze hovering over her. She sat up in her seat and cleared her throat trying to appear okay. Even when she heard screaming in her ears. "Oh, is your lesson over already?" She asked pulling her phone out of her pocket to check the time, to find out that an entire forty-five minutes had passed, much to her dismay, she cocked her brow at the time.
Jen nodded biting down on her lip anxiously as she pulled the chair Malia had been sitting in before and plopped down in it facing Aaliyah. "Lia? Are you okay?" She asked in a soft voice, "You've seemed off. And when you came in, you looked like you were about to cry."
Aaliyah shook her head, as though trying to convince herself more than Jen. "I'm good, I'm just really exhausted."
Jen frowned, unsure if she believed her, Aaliyah couldn't talk to Jen about it though, because she knew what she would say. She would tell her she needed to talk to Jacks and tell him what happened, but she couldn't. She didn't want to hurt Jacks, especially when the first round of nationals was only two weeks away now, he needed to be focused, and if the pain Aaliyah was feeling was any indicator, Jacks wasn't going to be focused on winning if he was suffering like she was. It was better that she kept her mouth shut, for his sake. "How come you're not with Xavier? Don't you have a session with him now?"
Aaliyah pulled at her sleeves and sighed. "We didn't have much to do today, we're more or less done with the album."
Jen smiled, and despite her mood, Aaliyah couldn't help but smile back. "That's great," She said excitedly, "I'm sure it'll be great. You guys are an amazing team."
Aaliyah tried not to let her smile falter. "You think so?" She asked, genuinely asking.
Jennifer nodded. "Definitely. Hidden and Four Walls were insane. And I've seen you two work together, you're totally in sync with each other, like you're on the same wavelength it's scary and amazing to watch."
Aaliyah swallowed hard trying to hold her gaze and fight back her tears. Whether that was the case or not, with all of this in the air between them, she doubted it was that way now, or would ever be. That seemed to hurt more than anything else. "So what do you want to do? We can order burritos and watch a movie or something." She offered, trying to steer the direction away from Xavier.
Jen nodded seeming ecstatic. "I've been craving burritos."
"The release of hidden and four walls have created huge anticipation for your album release," Uriah announced, "You've hit over ten million streams on all three songs and you've been constantly trending since your feature on Madison's cursing. This is exactly the type of traction one would be looking for when considering a national tour."
Blair sagged in her seat, shooting Uriah a suspicious glare. "But...?" She asked in a dubious voice as though dreading Uriah's response.
"Do we even have the finances for a national tour at this point in time," Uriah demanded, "I know in your head, money grows on trees but—"
"Uriah," Malcolm cut in shooting him a warning look that Uriah heeded, but not without attitude before continuing. It was the next day, and Blair had finally gathered enough details and organized enough to propose a national tour. Aaliyah decided that they should start small with just Uriah so that they don't appear too bold giving them another reason to knock her down. Everyone including Jacks and Xavier were there for moral support, and Aaliyah was grateful, but the weight on her chest from the tension between Xavier, who was probably just there for appearances, and Jacks, who was still a little sore about Aaliyah ditching school to hang out with Xavier.
"Either way, we don't have the funds to support a tour for an artist who's only been signed for not up to a year."
"You started setting up Madison's world tour dates three months into her being signed to Soul Fusion," Blair retorted with narrowed eyes, "You certainly thought you had the funds then."
"Madison has more experience as an artist, and she has a much larger fanbase than Aaliyah. We can be certain that a tour will profit the label. Investing that much money into Aaliyah is a wild card, especially after recent events," Uriah replied, referring to the magazine cover mess.
Aaliyah held her tongue. She didn't want to start another argument that would most definitely land in her losing her mind. She was already incredibly exhausted since she was pretty much surviving off of two hours of sleep three cups of coffee and a nap she took in her free period this afternoon. She was not her best right now, fighting with Uriah of all people was not going to help.
"Since we signed Aaliyah, we have had a boost in sales and profit, I've been keeping up to date with our finance team, we've had an almost three hundred percent profit increase in the last six months. And if her album goes as well, we can expect even more money raked in, the way it's going now we have enough to support a national tour," Malcolm said in a calm voice looking to Uriah with an even stare, "And there's never been anything wrong with a little controversy. Controversy invites more clout."
Xavier sniffed, leaning against the wall by the wall across from Aaliyah next to the door. She tried not to look at him, even though she knew what he was thinking. "My dad has a point, Uriah," Blair replied taking a swig of her bottle, "There's really no loss in investing in a tour. Aaliyah sells to a wider demographic than Madison ever has. There's no risk."
Uriah lowered his gaze looking down as though thinking and the silence stretched thin, working on Aaliyah's last nerve. He raised his gaze finally and met her gaze evenly. "I suppose you have a point, though it's not just me you'll have to convince, it'll be the entire board. And it's going to take more than just a list of stats to convince them, however," He said and Aaliyah held in her exasperated sigh, "If you're so convinced that Aaliyah sells, why don't we move up the album release date. If it does as well as you say it will, the board will be more swayed towards booking a national tour."
Aaliyah sat up in her seat. "Move it up by how much?"
"How about eight weeks from today? There has been a lot of anticipation. If we wait any longer, interest will start to fall," Uriah said in a cool voice, "We'll set up a press conference two weeks from today, and start promoting as soon as. Is that good?"
Aaliyah raised a brow. A few weeks, her exams were barely three weeks away and she still had extra credit to finish. She couldn't imagine being able to juggle studying and promotion together. She supposed she was glad she managed to finish the album and a tour would shoot her off into a real career in performing. Right now, she might as well just be an influencer. She wanted to be more serious than that. And this was the way to do that. She realized that everyone was looking at her, and she realized that this decision would be down to her alone.
This was insane, she thought tiredly, bringing her hand to her chain twisting it anxiously. "I suppose we're doing a tour then," She said wearily.
Aaliyah let herself breathe once the door shut behind Uriah sagging in her chair entirely exhausted.
Malcolm chuckled, and Aaliyah looked over at him with a tired smile. "A lot of us are still learning to deal with his overbearingness." He said as he ran a hand through his hair, "It's a matter of knowing when to tune him out."
"Tuning Uriah our seems to be the least of my worries right now," Aaliyah said, "I'm supposed to do a press release, my exams are not too far off, and I've barely had time to study. Not to mention I have extra credit due for my history class because I fell behind. How am I supposed to get all of this done in time for my tour?"
"Maybe by not skipping school," Jacks muttered with his arms crossed over his chest as he slumped deeper into his seat. Aaliyah looked at him, with a look a little short of desperation, and tried to keep her eyes off of Xavier who hadn't said a word this entire meeting.
"Enough with the shade, bro," Blair drawled tapping his shoulder gently. Jacks scowled at her but she returned it with a smirk before looking over to her Malcolm, "I wanted to arrange for more photo ops for album promos, and I've already set up an interview with Harvey London's radio show later this week, and you remember Riley Mckernon, well he's set up a bunch of meetings with stage managers and the like in the upcoming weeks for your promotional tour," She said pushing forward a folder filled with information, Aaliyah hadn't even seen yet. She supposed this was part of the things Blair had been blowing up her line for the day before. Malcolm took the folder and opened it up, reading through it, as Blair looked over to Aaliyah's "I'd familiarize yourself with every name in this folder, and then some. Right now, over half the country is itching to hear about your album. You need to have everyone in the business in love with not just your music and performance but your whole package, that's how you make connections."
"This is very impressive, Blair," Malcolm replied in a cool voice, taking the folder and flipping through the papers she had bonded. Aaliyah had known Blair for about six months and never had she seen Blair be organized with anything she did, even with her clothes, which seemed like some type of bomb had gone off in her closets. As far as Aaliyah had known Blair, she was not the type to go out of her way to use binders, "Maybe there is a career for you in managing."
Blair shrugged. "My heart's still in fashion," She replied with a sigh, but then pulled a wide grin, "But this definitely can be a side hustle."
Jacks snorted, and Aaliyah couldn't help but roll her eyes. Even Xavier had to make a noise under his breath. Blair elbowed Jacks, making him yelp out in shock before she smiled not-so-sweetly at him before she looked over at Aaliyah with a cool eyebrow raised. "I'm just glad you managed to get over yourself fast enough to not push back any of these appearances. Time is especially of the essence, now that Uriah pushed the release date forward."
"What do you mean that you're glad, Lia managed to get over herself?" It was Xavier, interrupting Blair mid-rant. The air was punched out of Aaliyah's lungs, at her words, but she looked to Xavier accusingly. She wasn't sure that she was going to challenge her about it, at least not now. She didn't want to start another fight. And now Xavier, who wasn't even acknowledging her was speaking up for her.
She wanted to tell him to stop, but everyone was already looking at him. Malcolm seeming to be a little warier of the situation. Aaliyah was panicked because she knew Blair. She knew that whatever her answer was, wasn't going to be good, and then she was going to be put in a position where she'd have to defend herself and that wouldn't end well for anybody.
She knew it wouldn't help anything, but she couldn't let it slide, could she?
After a moment of silence, and a stare-down between Xavier and Blair. Blair stammered over her words a little, shocked at the silent accusation. "I mean, isn't it self-explanatory?" She demanded looking from Jacks who had his head up at the ceiling clearly not looking forward to the pending argument. Aaliyah could already feel the weight of dread on her chest when Blair turned to look at her, "That you finally managed to move on from last week's mess and start acting civil with me again, considering I'm your manager."
"Oh God," Aaliyah sighed facepalming herself. "Do you even know why I was pissed with you last week?" She asked into her hands, covering her face.
No one said a word, and Aaliyah took that as an answer resting her hands on the table. "You didn't have my back, Blair," She replied with a sigh, irritated that she was even having to explain this. She wanted to blame Xavier, for even bringing it up, but she supposed this was inevitable, "The magazine situation was one thing, but you sided with Uriah, knowing how much this meant to me."
Blair blanched. "Of course I had your back," She said, looking at Aaliyah almost betrayed by what she said. Aaliyah could only stare back with a cocked brow, "As your manager, it's my job to have your back, Aaliyah. And I didn't side with Uriah, I just agreed that the magazine was a good way to reach out to a new audience and if there are certain things you had to do to appeal to said audience, it'd be worth it all in the end."
Aaliyah scowled. "Call it what it is, Blair, don't skirt around it. They had to lighten my skin. And my social media is still blowing up with backlash from it," She snapped, "And I told you then and there that compromising myself is never an option for fame. And I'm sure everyone in this room knew that" She said casting Malcolm a side look, who ducked his head, seeming slightly ashamed. At least he had the good sense to feel that way, she thought in irritation, before looking back to Blair, who looked annoyed.
"Everyone will get over it eventually," She said waving her hand off, "And maybe, I would have been able to come up with something to fix that if you would open your mouth to talk to me about it. But you avoided me like the fucking plague. Jacks too."
"Blair—" Malcolm interrupted, his voice firm and weary.
"Your first suggestion was a terrible response video that everyone saw through, excuse me for finding that hard to believe," Aaliyah snorted rolling her eyes. "And was I supposed to trust that you would want to help. You couldn't even have my back when I needed you," She replied in a freezing tone. Blair tried to interrupt, but she didn't let her, "And before you go back on that manager bullshit. I mean have my back as my friend. Blair, you're my friend first before my manager. Even if you don't always agree, you're supposed to side with me, because you know what it means to me, even if you don't understand. That's what being a friend is about. If you value your job more than you value that, then maybe—"
"Then what?" She snapped back looking from Jacks who seemed to look like he wanted to disappear, and slip out of what was clearly becoming a serious argument. From her periphery, Xavier seemed to look a little irritated, "And don't talk to me about friendship, Aaliyah. Before you got here the only friend you had was your Goddamn tutor."
Aaliyah narrowed her eyes. "And if you can name me a real friend you have beside Jacks that you trust the same way you trust him, that you rely on the same way, maybe I'll take that to heart," She replied matching her energy. If Blair was willing to go that far, she would too. She was not ready for a fight today, least of all with one of her closest friends, but she wasn't really ready for half the things she had to deal with in the last week. After a moment's silence, Blair scowled glaring at her, "I thought so. Now if your petty moment is over, can you tell me if I'm wrong about what I said?"
"Petty?" Blair echoed as though she hadn't heard that right.
Aaliyah rolled her eyes, but before she could talk, Jacks beat her to it. "To be honest Blair, That was a low blow." He replied in a low voice.
Malcolm looked between Aaliyah and Blair anxiously, his jaw set trying to figure out a way to end what was going to be a bloody argument. But maybe this needed to be said. "Maybe, we should put this conversation on the back burner for now, Blair and Aaliyah were right, there is a lot to be done—"
"No dad, Aaliyah's right," Blair said her lips pressed tightly together, her cheeks flushing pink beneath her freckles. She sounded a mix of a lot of emotions, nonchalance and coldness and anger, and a lot of control to not explode, but Aaliyah knew Blair. She knew her level of self-control didn't spread thin that wide. "I was a terrible friend. So terrible that I made a decision that in the end would benefit you and your career—"
"And I told you Blair, my fame or my career does not come before myself," Aaliyah snapped back, "Why is that so hard to understand? Or respect? I shouldn't have to lighten my skin color to appeal to an audience that otherwise would be so self-centered that they couldn't appreciate my music without picturing a light-skinned woman singing it. Those aren't the type of fans I want. My physical appearance shouldn't be a determining factor in whether I gain supporters or not."
"But it is," She said forcefully. The words came to Aaliyah like a slap and she blanched, "Uriah's right. You have it in your head that the world revolves around you, that you can do whatever you like and expect no consequences. You're more palatable in a certain way and that means you'd be able to reach a wider audience that can hear your music."
Aaliyah felt like she was going to throw up. "So I'm more palatable light-skinned," Aaliyah echoed, "So what's next, I'm going to have to start perming my hair, or make my lyrics more sensitive so my message is easier for coddled white people to swallow? Blair, I'm not here to cater to people—"
"You're an entertainer, Aaliyah," Blair replied in a freezing tone, "You are here to cater to people. And I never said anything about changing your hair or lyrics—"
"No, you just said my skin needed to change," Aaliyah snapped glaring at her. Aaliyah knew what she was. But she also knew that her job didn't require her to be an entirely different person or to reject an entire part of herself to ease the minds of a group of people she didn't even know. If people didn't want her the way she was, then they could look elsewhere, "If I was white this wouldn't be a problem, because no one would be looking at my appearance, they would be hearing my music because that's the main job of a performer. So why am I pushing a narrative that puts more pressure on black people and black women especially to look a certain way just so that they would sell records? If those people don't want to hear my music just because I don't look like them then they can fuck themselves and look elsewhere because a huge part of my identity stems from my blackness, so they're not going to appreciate my music anyway."
Blair sighed and rolled her eyes as though she was dealing with a child. "Aaliyah, I completely understand you, but you're being irrational. That's not the world we live in—"
"I don't care. I shouldn't be satisfied with changing myself because the world isn't fair. Aren't we all trying to change the world? Conforming isn't part of my job description, Blair," Aaliyah snapped in a cold voice, spitting out her name like it was something venomous. By now, Malcolm had stood up to his feet as though about to gesture to the boys to leave the room, but Aaliyah wanted everyone to hear. Because she knew the only person who was on her side on this was Xavier. She wasn't about to have this argument again, so if everyone heard her now, they would be no problem, "And calling me irrational when I'm angry that I have to be told that white people only like my black music when it's coming out of the mouth of a lighter-skinned person is racist, Blair. And you of all people calling me irrational is the biggest joke of all."
Everyone stopped at that, as though hearing that was mind blown by even the insinuation of being told that they were being racist. Malcolm stammered, as though trying to get something in, maybe to defuse the situation. Jacks just seemed shocked still, only Xavier seemed unbothered. Blair flushed bright red. "I am not a racist," She hissed back, her voice coming out thin as though hearing the word directed at her was a blow to the chest, "Telling you how the world works is not racist, Aaliyah. You're getting out of pocket here."
"I don't care about the world, Blair. I care about my friends, the people who are supposed to have my back, and not treat me like I'm crazy when I feel objectified or disrespected. You can't undermine my experience because it doesn't suit your own. That is your privilege talking. That is being self-centered," Aaliyah said leaning back in her seat unbothered by her horror, at a word Blair must have felt was a direct insult to her character. Aaliyah tried not to roll her eyes, "And I never called you a racist. You, expecting me to accommodate for a world that sees me as less than you is racist. There's no reason to lose your shit because I didn't spoon-feed a fact for you."
"Oh, you really get off of feeling like the main character, Aaliyah Garcia," Blair snapped in a cruel tone, Aaliyah narrowed her eyes, "Feeling like you're free of all sin and flaws, like everyone around you is imperfect by comparison. Suddenly I'm racist, and irrational, and self-centered. Well, I'm not the one having sex dreams about Xavier whilst dating Jacks!" She yelled, throwing her hands up as she jumped out of her seat with her father.
The silence that followed was terrible. Her stomach dropped and her heart felt like it had been hollowed out. She felt like she was going to be sick. She could only stare up at Blair as her cheeks flushed embarrassed, and avoid the look on Jacks face, completely horrified. He was a mix of shock and betrayal and hurt that made her stomach turn. She couldn't believe Blair. She knew what it meant to say that out in front of everyone, why would she say that?
"Blair!" Malcolm breathed out in horror.
Aaliyah stood up without the jerk, Blair had, feeling rushed with anger and frustration. She managed to easily avoid looking at the boys around them, knowing how much humiliation she'd be due to feel if she made eye contact with any of them, including Malcolm, and instead kept her gaze on Blair, staring back at her with the same look of anger Aaliyah felt burning in her hollow chest. "At least I'm not whoring myself out to my ex-boyfriend who clearly has no respect for me." She sneered back leaning into Blair's face as she said the words, watching as the color drained out of her skin, and for that moment Aaliyah felt satisfied.
At least now, Blair knows just how much of a line she crossed when she did that. She didn't care about herself, she cared about not hurting Jacks, and Blair took that away from her, and turned it into something ugly. And regardless of her own feelings towards Xavier, that was going to take a lot to forgive. But the guilt didn't take long to set in either, once the green in Blair's eyes flashed with the type of betrayal one didn't always feel. The type of hurt that comes with having a certain level of trust in one person.
"Blair," It was Malcolm, his voice came out just above a whisper, horror taking the volume out of his voice. Blair lifted her gaze from Aaliyah's to her father's for a moment, "Is that true? An ex-boyfriend?"
Another silence passed, and Aaliyah saw the hurt flash behind her eyes at her father's words before she looked back to Aaliyah for only a second but it was only that second needed to show how much Aaliyah had fucked up before she pushed past her storming out of the room. Malcolm followed her without another word, not looking at anyone else as he did. Leaving only Aaliyah, Jacks, and Xavier, at this point the worst combination possible.
It took a moment for Aaliyah to find her voice, guilt sitting on her chest like a weight crushing her lungs making it impossible to breathe. "Jacks," She said lifting her gaze to his, but he wouldn't look at her, instead he swallowed and started to head out of the room brushing past Aaliyah too. She turned around to start after him, "Jacks, please let me—"
"I— uh need to find Blair," He said in a low voice, not stopping as he stalked out of the room as well in the direction Malcolm and Blair had gone in.
Aaliyah didn't think she had the strength to stay standing anymore and she found herself collapsing into her seat her knees no longer proving her the support to stay standing. A moment later, Xavier took a seat in the chair across from her. And though, Aaliyah wouldn't look at him, she could see his sympathetic eyes. Aaliyah didn't think she deserved them though. "Lia," He started in a low voice, almost urging her to look at him, "I know this all seems fucked up, but it could be worse.
"I called her a whore, Xavier," Aaliyah scoffed, her throat sore from shouting, "I don't think there is worse."
Xavier shook his head. "You haven't seen her at her worst," He said, "And there's also no one she loves more than you. That's why she's hurt. Just give her time."
Aaliyah glared at him, unable to help her anger. "Why did you start this?" She demanded, her voice cold.
Xavier seemed taken aback, his eyes widening. "What are you talking about?"
Aaliyah glowered. "You know what?" She hissed, "This wouldn't have become a thing if you didn't say anything. You should have just stayed out of it."
Xavier scowled at her, his gaze darkening, any sympathy he had for her slipping off his face like water. "It was already a thing, Lia, and you know that," He replied in a brisk voice, "Whether it was brought up now or later, it was going to happen."
"Well, at least it would have been on my terms," She snapped, standing up from her seat, her voice rising. She was tired of yelling, but she didn't know what else to do, she could feel herself sinking back into him, back into the place she'd been with him the night before. And she knew they could never go back there, "I hate that you do this. You defend me when I didn't ask, I didn't ask to be saved. I didn't want to be. I could've handled it on my own—"
"But you weren't handling it," Xavier snapped back standing up to his feet, "You were going to let her say what she said about you, for the sake of what peace of mind? She was out of pocket, and you know it, but you were going to let her get away with it."
"She's my friend Xavier," She hissed, "One of the few friends I have in this Godforsaken city, and I said horrible things to her, and about her—"
"And she said equally bad things about you. Was I supposed to let her? And on top of that, she doesn't understand the gravity of any of this, you heard what she said, I know you know the rhetoric she was spewing, you as much pointed it out yourself—"
"Because you put me in that position," She cried out, silencing Xavier. He looked to her with dark disbelieving eyes, and Aaliyah stared back, ignoring the weird looks she was getting from passersby in the hallways, "Of course, I know how racist she was being. But like I said she's my friend, who I care about, and I know she cares about me. She's hella misguided, I know that, and I was going to clear it up with her on my own terms. But you didn't let me do that, instead, you put me in a position where I have to hurt someone I care about again, and I hate it. And I fucking wish I could hate you for it."
Xavier was quiet for a long time, and it was almost silent, save for Aaliyah's harsh breaths escaping her, making her feel like she had been underwater. "Maybe we should be glad we've finished the album," He started holding her gaze evenly, entirely shuttered up not a single thought or emotion passing through his wall, "Now we don't have to see each other if you feel that way about me."
Aaliyah opened her mouth, her voice cracking before she could even say a word, and then she closed it, looking away from him, back to the piano at the back of the conference room. The same piano she had played at her first meeting since being signed to the label. She remembered the look on Xavier's face then, so very different from how it was now. Now she knew him, when before she had only dreamed of meeting him. Now she wished she could go back.
Xavier was the first to move. He turned away, his back to her, and stalked out of the conference room, swinging the door open as he stepped out, leaving Aaliyah alone to stew in her misery.
Aaliyah dropped her head onto the table with a groan wondering to herself if any of this was even worth the argument.
Later that night, Aaliyah found herself back on the balcony sitting by the piano bench playing the melody to Around you.
By the time she managed to get home, she made a bee-line for her own room, not wanting to see anyone, she managed to avoid going home but she was intercepted by Willa.
Willa hadn't failed to make Aaliyah feel even worse about herself either. "You've been nothing but trouble for my family since you've been here, and now you've broken my daughter," She snapped at her pushing her away from Blair's bedroom door, "You've done enough."
After that mess, she chose to stay out on the balcony for the rest of that evening, despite the cold. She had brought out a woolen cardigan to help with the cold, but it wasn't much justice. She didn't really care though, there weren't many ways left for her to fuck up now, but she was sure she'd find a way. It was better she stayed away from any living people for now.
It was around ten that night when the sliding door opened and she heard footsteps behind her. She felt her heart in her throat, but she didn't turn around as she continued playing. "That's a lovely piece," Malcolm commented taking the seat beside her on the bench, "Is it yours?"
Aaliyah hesitated, unsure of how to answer. It was partly hers, but it was also Xavier's, and she wanted to be honest, but how could she be honest without being honest about everything. "I uh— It's nothing, I mean it's—" Aaliyah started taking her fingers off the keys, lowering her head, "It's Xavier's, mine and Xavier's, but it's not important, well it was, it's not on my album."
Malcolm was quiet for a moment, and Aaliyah could sense his confusion. "Well, you two have made some of the best pieces I've heard in a while," Malcolm replied bringing his fingers to the keys beside her, and started to play some of the chords, though it wasn't the right chords, it still made Aaliyah's heart soften, especially the haunting note of melancholy in it, that made her stomach hollow out.
She stopped playing and sniffed in the cold air looking out over the balcony to the city's nightlife went by. "I understand if you're going to drop me from the label," Aaliyah replied in a low voice, trying to keep her voice steady, looking down at her lap as her eyes burned with fresh tears, "Or you know, kick me out. I probably deserve it."
Malcolm was quiet for a long moment. "Is that what you thought I would do?" He asked in a disbelieving tone.
Aaliyah shrugged not really knowing what else to say. "I messed up big time, what else would you do?" She asked in a shaky voice.
Malcolm made a noise. "Aaliyah, you made a mistake—"
"I called your daughter a whore," She spat in a choked voice, tears building up in her eyes. Why was he being kind to her? She didn't deserve it. He should be yelling at her, or calling her names, or giving her that spiteful glare, Willa had, "I'd kick me out."
"You were angry, Aaliyah. Rightfully so," Malcolm replied in a soft voice, "Is that what you think? How you were raised? Believing that mistakes were irredeemable. You're not beyond mistakes, Aaliyah, you're allowed to make them. You're a child, if that's how your parents taught you, I can't imagine that there was much love in your life before now."
Aaliyah couldn't help the tears that spilled down her cheeks, warming her skin against the freezing air. She lowered her head, screwing her eyes shut as more tears ran down and she swore beneath her breath. She closed her hands into fists tightly, so that her nails would bury themselves into her skin. Malcolm instantly brought her into a hug, her head laid against his chest as he rests his on the crown of her head, rubbing her back soothingly.
"Let me tell you something," He murmured in a soft voice, "Growing up, there were parts of myself I chose to keep to myself. The family I was born into was one of them. My mother was an immigrant from Iran and my father owned a small store in Queens. We weren't well off even though my mother's father had money. He disowned her when he married my father. It was by chance that I managed a scholarship to a private school in Manhattan. It was where I met Lionel Brennan, the man who helped me start up Soul Fusion twenty-two years ago. In my old school, I was bullied for being lower class, and for having an immigrant for a mother. I was called cruel names and told things no one should have to be told. So I swore no one would know about where I came from at my new school. My mom learned about that and she was devastated, but she knew she had to understand. This country, as advanced as it appears to be, doesn't leave much room for being different. My sister, Maryam, was different in that respect. She was like you. She didn't let the bullying or the racism break her down and make her want to hide, she let it build her up instead. She was even louder about her heritage, she once came to school in our mother's kaftan. She was suspended for inappropriate wear to school, but she didn't care. I pretended like we weren't related in school because of that pride she had."
Aaliyah remembered meeting his sister. She was lovely and kind, but Aaliyah could see that rebellious streak in the mischievous gleam of her eyes. Aaliyah hadn't seen her since, but she found herself admiring her more now.
"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, that I accommodated. At the time I thought it was my only choice, the only way I could truly be happy in a world that wouldn't embrace people like me, and I have lived with that shame ever since. My sister was different, she was proud of who she was despite everyone, and she pushed back on all the limitations everyone tried to force on her just as you do," Malcolm said. Aaliyah pulled away to meet Malcolm's gaze. He was staring at her with a tender, loving smile. Aaliyah could see the truthfulness in his dark eyes alone and she found tears burning in her eyes. Aaliyah had seen Malcolm as someone to look up to and admire as a father. She never believed that he would respect and admire her as she did, "You're so much like Maryam. Strong-headed and self-aware, and so in touch with who you are. It was a wake-up call for me and it's made me learned to appreciate that side of you since you've been here."
Aaliyah lowered her eyes unsure of what to say to that. Whether she should be gracious or happy when there was still so much wrong. None of what he said, has fixed anything, so what was the point? "I know you may not be able to tell the difference, but you have made such a huge one in my life, in the lives of my kids too. And I know you will make one in the lives of all your fans too. You're too determined to not," He said, his voice firm and unchanging. Aaliyah could hear the faith he had in her, and it was like he could read her mind. She felt so overwhelmed with so much love and faith and hope that he had in her, "You are where you're supposed to be great, Aaliyah. There's no reason to have one foot out the door at all times, Aaliyah. This is your home. And you have all the love you'd ever need here."
Aaliyah buried her head into his chest as though trying to hide her tears from the rest of the world. Fighting tears for so long was a lot more energy than she realized she thought to herself, and now that she was finally letting them go after months, probably years, she couldn't help but feel like a burden was lifted. "You can let go of San Diego, Aaliyah. You're home now."
"What about Blair?" She choked out against him.
"Blair is stubborn, and most times it's a gift, but times like this, it can be self-destructive," Malcolm replied, in a stiff voice as though he was remembering another time, "Blair can go down a very dark path if she was driven far enough down it. But she can be pulled through, with enough love. And if there's anyone who can do it, I'm sure it's you."
It was the same thing Xavier said. There was no one Blair loved more than Aaliyah, and it was only Aaliyah who could pull her out of herself. That was so much pressure to save someone she loved. On top of everything else. But Aaliyah loved Blair, she loved her like the sister she always wished she could have. She made her feel less alone, despite her misgivings, and they were huge ones. But she didn't want her hurt. Especially not because of her.