~~Beneath the Surface~~
"I find it weird that they all call you Lia," Xavier mentioned turning down a road in his car. Music softly playing from his radio as the sky was starting to get darker after sunset.
Aaliyah and Xavier had spent the rest of their time at the church singing praise songs. Well, Aaliyah had with the rest of the choir, learning the lyrics as she went along whilst Xavier watched from the front row with a vague look of interest that would turn into a wide grin whenever Aaliyah would meet his gaze from the stage.
Aaliyah cocked a brow. "But you call me Lia," She started, "And if we're being honest. I'm the one that should find it weird. You have an entirely different name."
Xavier laughed and shook his head. "I call you Lia, but I'm not one of many in our personal lives that do call you Lia. I'm pretty sure it's just Jenny and I that call you that," He said, ignoring her latter comment. Aaliyah decided that she wouldn't push further on the topic of his name. When he was ready he would open up to her, "It's strange hearing people I know personally call you that. I don't feel different if you get me." He continued, not looking at her, but at the road.
Aaliyah stared at him with wide eyes. She thought maybe she kind of did understand what he meant by different. He meant significant. Aaliyah didn't think that he cared enough to be significant in her life. It was weird. "Maybe," She answered in a slow voice, "Where are we going now?" She said quickly changing the subject as he turned down another street, which was much more rundown than most parts of Manhattan she was used to seeing. Graffiti was spray-painted across local stores and businesses and trash was littered across the street. Loud music blared from one of the old apartment buildings on the street and some teenagers on the street were dancing along to it as they walked by. The people were in more casual clothes than the usual business and designer outfits she was used to seeing a lot in Buchanan or on Park Avenue. This place felt more like a community like the small neighborhood back in San Diego where Mr. Gonzalez's music store was. People were friendly with each other like they all knew each other. Aaliyah appreciated that. She hasn't seen so much closeness like this in a while.
Xavier was quiet for a moment. The awkwardness in his expression starting to grate on her nerves as he scratched the back of his neck, parking along the street outside a brownstone apartment. "My mother's."
Aaliyah watched as Xavier stepped out of the car in an utter stupor. She was stunned quiet for a short moment before she exploded.
"Dude, you can't seriously be taking me to your mother's house?" Aaliyah exclaimed closing the car door as she looked over at Xavier who was climbing out of his car. She looked ahead of him and stared up at the red terraced apartment building, with red terracotta steps leading up to the wooden double doors and iron-wrought balconies protruding from each window on the second floor. Aaliyah was a little short of intimidated and confused as to why Xavier thought it would make sense to bring her here, "I haven't even met Jacks' parents yet."
"My mom made me food to take home, and she wanted me to pick them up today. And I rarely say no to my mother." He said letting out a breath before looking to Aaliyah with a cocked brow. "And Jacks doesn't have parents," He said turning away towards the sidewalk and up the steps.
Aaliyah remembered Blair's warehouse party. She had been stoned that night, so bits and pieces of that night had been a little blurred, but she did remember Zenith dropping that bomb on her just now. Since that night, Aaliyah hadn't much of an opportunity to bring it up to Jacks yet, considering she hadn't really been speaking since that night. She suddenly felt like she really shouldn't be here right now, her stomach stirring with guilt.
But she was here now, and she didn't want to change the mood between her and Xavier. They had conversation, they laughed and joked. They called each other friends, she didn't want to ruin that and friends had dinner with their friend's mother, right?
She sighed hurrying up to Xavier, who was turning around by the steps to look at Aaliyah with a cocked brow. "So you knew too?" She asked in a cool voice, trying not to seem bothered by it as she climbed up the steps with Xavier.
Xavier shrugged. "I mean, we're not really friends, but I've known him as long as I've known Blair," He explained in a drawling tone, he cast Aaliyah a side glance, "It's kind of impossible for me not to know."
Aaliyah lowered her head at the porch kicking at the thin layer of dust collected on the landing, trying not to be irritated by his response. Xavier took out his set of keys from his coat pocket, and unlocked the front door, pushing it open for Aaliyah into the dark foyer that lit up with yellow lighting automatically, once she stepped into the room. She looked around curiously at the huge wooden stairwell in the middle of the room and six conjoined letterboxes pushed against the left wall, a notice board on the right wall decorated with ratty pieces of papers and documents, and a flyer for a lost kitten in the neighborhood. The room smelled suspiciously like the pile of cigarette buds by the banister and weed. Like the landing outside, there seemed to be a layer of dust on every flat surface. It looked nothing like the foyer at the Waters' complex, or the one at Xavier's apartment. She didn't think that she had ever been inside a house like this before.
Xavier must have read her mind because he sniffed, a bitter smile on his face when Aaliyah looked at him. "What? You haven't seen the inside of an apartment building before?" He said, his voice sarcastic, and a little defensive. Aaliyah quickly checked herself, realizing that maybe Xavier lived nicely now, but this was his childhood home. This was his mother's home. He loved it.
"Don't tell me you don't have any more stupidly hilarious stories here on the steps, do you?" She asked with a cocked brow and an amused smile. Xavier didn't reply and started towards the door on the right marked with the number fifty-four, though Aaliyah didn't miss this small smile playing on his mouth before he put his key into the keyhole, just as the door yanked open, and a small woman stepped out in a stained apron and a huge kinky afro puff drawing attention to her flour stained cheeks. She looked startlingly a lot like her son.
"Ah, I knew I heard you outside," The woman said, dusting her hands off on her apron, "I was just finishing off the peach cobbler, I know how much you like those. It's in the oven now—" She stopped talking when she raised her head and saw Aaliyah standing beside Xavier with wide eyes. Aaliyah couldn't help but flush avoiding eye contact with the pretty gorgeous woman in front of her. The woman barely looked a day over thirty-five, but she was sure she was older. She was the woman on Xavier's lock screen, she realized, thinking back to the night she and Xavier got high in his apartment and she saw his phone. She had Xavier's dark upturned eyes and full hair. They had the same wide nose and high cheekbones, though she was a few shades darker than her son, they were both undeniably beautiful. It was slightly perturbing to Aaliyah, to say the least. His mother smiled at Aaliyah pleasantly, and Aaliyah tried for a smile back a little encouraged, "Manny, you didn't tell me we were having company. I would have dressed up a little better."
Xavier stepped towards his mom, pressing a kiss to her forehead before hugging her gently. Probably the most amount of affection she'd seen Xavier display in the time she knew him, "It wasn't really planned. Besides, you look good anyway," He replied in a soft voice, and Aaliyah couldn't help but stare at the pair with wide eyes, "Now, you said something about cobbler."
His mother kissed her teeth and hit him gently rolling her eyes. "That's all that's on your mind, isn't it?" She said in a maternal voice, "Don't try and lay a hand on any food in that kitchen until those dishes are cleaned."
Xavier cocked a brow at her. "Mom," He said slightly disbelievingly, "I don't even live here anymore."
"You plan to eat out of my kitchen, don't you?" His mother demanded. Xavier didn't respond, still, a little stunned, and Aaliyah couldn't help but be amused by their interaction, despite her growing awkwardness. It was the same type of love, Malcolm had with Blair and Jenny; parental and unconditional. Aaliyah couldn't help but be warmed by it, "Now don't embarrass yourself in front of the pretty girl you brought. Gloria called me earlier today about her, but I didn't think you'd be bold enough to bring her here."
Xavier scowled. "Trust her to tell you everything that goes on in my life," He muttered, before smiling back at his mother when she shot him a look, "I'll wash the dishes."
His mother smiled back at him, but Aaliyah didn't miss the warning look on her face as she patted his back, and suddenly she was startled by how small his mother was compared to her giant of a son. "You better," She said before smiling back at Aaliyah, "I'm Yazmine, the mother of this pain in the ass son that I love."
Aaliyah smiled back widely. "I'm—"
"Lia Garcia," Yazmine replied in a breezy voice, and Aaliyah tried not to be surprised, "You've been in the public eye for a while now, it's hard for anyone to not know who you are. Besides, you're working with my son. And I pay extra attention to the women in his life."
Xavier slapped his hand to his forehead in exasperation halfway through the room. "Momma," He groaned in a tired voice, like an embarrassed teenager in front of someone else. Technically he was, but Aaliyah wasn't used to seeing him that way. The way he called his mother as well, made her smile a little, though she tried to hide it. She didn't see maternal love in this way before, not even in Willa with her kids.
Yazmine waved him off. "Go on, child, those dishes aren't going to clean themselves," She said before looking over her shoulder at Aaliyah, dropping a wink at her, "Well come on, I've made a lot of food that isn't going to eat itself."
Aaliyah felt her stomach grumble when the smell of her home finally reached her nostrils and she felt lulled by it, stumbling right after Yazmine and her son.
"Dude, you eat like a homeless person," Xavier chided, watching as Yazmine served her yet another plate of rice and beans with collard greens and jerk chicken. Aaliyah would have snapped back a rude remark had the seasoning carried with the steam of the food hadn't reached her nose making her stomach rumble, "And I mean, it's not like I didn't know that. But damn."
"You actin' like you ain't reaching for fourths at every cookout," Yazmine replied in a dry voice standing behind the island. She had abandoned her apron and had changed into a pair of jeans and a dark T-shirt with Tupac's All Eyez on Me cover printed on it. Aaliyah thought it made Yazmine prettier, but Xavier true to form, complained about his mother trying too hard. Aaliyah snorted as she shoveled a fork full of rice into her mouth, her tastebuds satisfied. "And that's not including dessert. Did you know he was a little fat kid growing up?"
Aaliyah almost choked on her rice, widening her eyes before looking to Xavier used to his mother trying to embarrass him now, and just spooned a piece of the cobbler Aaliyah still hadn't tried yet. She had tried to imagine Xavier as a child much, but Xavier as a fat kid was almost impossible to imagine. "Fat?" She asked once she swallowed. Xavier looked at her, and as though reading her mind he started laughing.
"Thank God for gyms," Yazmine said, touching her crucifix chain reminding Aaliyah a little of Xavier's. She looked to Aaliyah, her dark eyes shining with amusement as she shot him a look, "And for that incredibly tacky poster of Kobe, may he rest in power, on his bedroom wall for motivation. Manny used to be picked on by the other little kids on the block because he couldn't keep up with them. All that fat flapping about like bird wings and—"
"Yeah, mom," Xavier said pressing his lips together, and his face screwed up as though hearing her talk was giving him physical pain. Aaliyah couldn't hold back her laugh as much as she wanted to. But she was laughing more because she found it adorable and fascinating. She hadn't learned this much about Xavier in one go before, hearing that he was a fat kid with a Kobe poster in his bedroom, made him so much more, real, and less like this distant thing with certain gifts and wisdom, less like Yoda from Starwars and more like an actual human being, "I think she gets it."
"No," She replied shaking her head raising her glass of lemonade to her mouth letting her gaze meet Xavier's, as a teasing smile curled along her mouth, "I don't think I do."
Xavier scowled at her picking up a kidney bean from her plate and threw it at her and she jumped with a yelp. "You're an ass," He said in a low voice before poking her rib cage repeatedly so she almost scooted herself off the stool with a yelp and a laugh, "A huge ass."
"You know I taught you better than to throw food at the table, Manny," Yazmine scorned in a cool voice as she leaned back on the counter behind her by the sink with her arms crossed as she observed the pair of them with a peculiar look on her face. She was smiling, but there was something surreptitious about it, like there was something she knew, that she and Xavier didn't, "Besides, Lia looks like she needs as much food in her as possible. Do you get fed where you come from? Honestly?"
Aaliyah flushed, slightly embarrassed, and put on the spot. It was more or less common knowledge that whoever her foster parents were, they weren't the most loving people according to tabloids and fan forums who took what they knew about the strange circumstances around a seventeen-year-old Aaliyah's arrival from San Diego and her being essentially homeless before Malcolm took her in and they ran with it, coming up with the most ridiculous conspiracies.
Sometimes Aaliyah, Blair, and Jen would scroll through gossip sites accounting stories from so-called conspiracists with evidence about her parents being from warlords to Aaliyah being a spy to gather intel on the East Coasters. It was a laugh for the three of them when Aaliyah was ready to break down from exhaustion. None of the people close to her ever tried to pry an explanation to her arrival from her though, she supposed they assumed that she would tell them when she was ready, which she appreciated.
She'd never been directly asked about her family before. And how would she begin to explain that she was always a little underweight growing up, considering eating was considered a little more than a privilege to her parents and there were some nights that her Danica would refuse to feed her entirely, If she was being honest, she didn't know what to tell her. "Ah, well," She said with an awkward laugh, "Fast metabolism, I guess."
"I— Uh, read somewhere that you were adopted," Yazmine continued in a soft voice, appearing almost sympathetic, and though Aaliyah knew that she was trying to be polite, she couldn't help but feel a little flustered, "And I noticed you don't talk much about that—"
"Momma," Xavier interrupted. Yazmine looked to Xavier's firm look with a cocked brow before looking back to Aaliyah who felt like she was burning up. She didn't want to talk about her family. It meant having to think about the things she learned before she left, things that hurt her to think about. Her biological parents' birth certificates still burned a hole in the bottom of her old rucksack under her bed.
She tried to smile through the tension and shook her head, her bun coming loose a little. "It's okay," She said in a cool voice, "I was adopted from birth, so I don't remember my real parents. But my foster parents lived well I suppose. My foster father earned enough money."
"Money doesn't make a happy home," Yazmine replied with a soft smile. Her lungs deflated from the punch of her words. She didn't reply, not knowing what else to say. Instead, she just nodded and forced a smile before forking a piece of her collard. Yazmine looked from Aaliyah to Xavier, before sighing before gesturing around the open plan kitchen and into the dimly lit living room behind Aaliyah. "Though, I supposed you lived in a bigger house than this I suppose," She asked, changing the subject.
Aaliyah shrugged. "I love this house," She said looking around at the TV sitting on a unit in the back corner of the room, a plush settee around a rug over the carpeted floors, and a coffee table. The walls were adorned with what looked like family photos, including what Aaliyah guessed were Xavier's older brothers as children though, smiling wide, and they all looked eerily alike.
They must all get their looks from their mother, she thought, still, Aaliyah thought she could pick out Xavier though, smiling wide with two missing teeth, still a little rounded and chubby in the face, but adorable nonetheless. There was a crack in the plaster above the TV, and Aaliyah found herself wondering what had happened to it, "It's so lived in and cozy and loving. Like a home should be. I kind of wish my home was like this, I can totally imagine you raising four kids in here."
Yazmine didn't reply, a look crossing her face, before she looked over at Xavier for a moment. Aaliyah looked at him, and he seemed to be smiling. He smiled a lot more when he was around people he loved, Aaliyah thought, around the people who knew him. Yazmine smiled after a moment of looking at her son, "You seem to know just exactly what to say," Yazmine said sounding a bit flustered, "You're definitely a songwriter. You sound like Manny."
Aaliyah smiled back at her taking another sip of her lemonade. "You raised him," She replied in a cool voice.
"Not without its tribulations," Yazmine replied, smiling at her son, Xavier was distracted eating his cobbler, but Aaliyah saw it. And her stomach warmed, as she imagined her birth mother might look at her that way if she was here. With pride. She found herself wondering if her mother would be proud of her right now.
Aaliyah straightened putting a fork through her green gesturing to Yazmine's shirt, "That's my favorite album from him by the way," She pointed out. Yazmine pulled at her shirt to look down at it and then raised a brow.
"You don't seem like the type to be into old school," Yazmine remarked, looking at Xavier for a moment, "Though you seem to be close with my son. It's a given, I guess. I taught him his good taste in music."
Xavier rolled his eyes. Aaliyah looked over at him curiously, and at that look, he swallowed, "More or less, he was one of my primary drives to pursue rap more seriously when I was in middle school," He explained, "Before then, I was kind of strictly piano and school musicals."
Aaliyah snorted, imagining Xavier invested in a school musical. "Doesn't that require like a certain level of school spirit?" She demanded with a cocked brow looking at him as she ate more of her rice.
"There's a lot you don't know about me, Lia," He said, and Aaliyah couldn't help but grin at that, "And mom, if you really want to be blown away, you should hear her analysis. She sounds like she has a degree in this shit when she talks about music."
Aaliyah flushed. "It's far from degree-level. I just read a lot and listen to a lot of music that makes me feel empowered. Tupac did that."
Yazmine looked to her slightly impressed and then crossed her arms over her chest. "Go ahead," She said as though almost daring her, "Though, as well as his Uncle Leon, I taught Xavier everything he knows about music. So this would be interesting."
Aaliyah straightened clearing her throat. She was never one to back away from a challenge, and besides, this was straight up her alley. "To me personally, it was enlightening, seeing the world through Tupac's eyes was surreal. The intersections of his fame as a controversial rapper whilst also being a controversy himself in America as a young black man and the implications that come from both and just his experience as a man navigating himself through the world was a beyond fascinating concept. And his delivery was everything, his voice and flow were powerful, encapsulated by his rhythms and profane messages. He defined a generation of Hip-Hop with just that album as short his career was, he'll be remembered forever."
Yazmine nodded slightly impressed. "I agree with you," She said in a cool voice, "But Me Against the World was definitely a more charged album. More seasoned with fresh experiences, he was just out of prison, he'd just almost been killed in a shooting. You could definitely hear his maturity and real emotion in that album. More so than in All Eyez on Me which was at least a year after all of this."
Aaliyah nodded. "I guess so," She said, "I just feel there was more than just Tupac the activist in All Eyez on Me. He was also just Tupac the man. You experience so many of his facets and get to peel back layers of him, he became more human. You get to see his familial values, his humor, his joy, and his pain and anger. It was a brilliant tie of so many different things whilst addressing the plague on the inner-cities. It was relatable. And I think that's what our communities needed at the time, a man like them who could be as successful as the next white man."
Yazmine was quiet for a moment, as though thinking, before a smile broke out across her face, looking between her and Xavier, who was watching between them curiously with interest. "I can definitely understand why you and Manny work together so well. He's always been interested in girls smarter than he is."
Aaliyah flushed trying not to be embarrassed. "Trust me, I've learned a lot from him too," She said, trying to avoid Xavier's look. He glared at his mother, but Yazmine only dropped a wink back at him, "And I can definitely say that I've learned from you too. For example, how to make amazing jerk chicken. Can I ask where the bathroom is?" She asked quickly, trying not to be rude, but also not wanting to have to deal with explaining that they're just friends yet again. She was enjoying Yazmine's company. She didn't like having to deal with any awkwardness.
Yazmine nodded. "It's through the corridor."
Aaliyah nodded and slid out of the stool, flashing Xavier a reassuring smile when he caught her gaze, with one of concern. She ducked her head looking away ignoring the soft murmurs between Xavier and his mother, though she could hear her name in the midst of the conversation. She wondered what they were talking about.
She reached for a door in the dark corridor, ignoring the city as the night goes by, a little dazed by the lazy orange glow from the streetlights. When she stepped in and flipped the light switch she found herself stupored when she came face to face with Kobe Bryant holding a basketball to his side in his Lakers' uniform with a signature written above his head. It hung above a clean, bare desk, pushed into the back wall. There were other posters too, unsurprisingly one of Tupac, his album cover from All Eyez on Me, and another poster of Nas. A single metal bunk bed was pushed against the left wall, stripped bare. The wall opposite had a shelf attached decorated with cheap-looking trophies, which Aaliyah guessed were school achievements.
It was then that she realized with a shock that she was in Xavier's old bedroom. It was pretty small, a little like hers in San Diego, but a little more decorated and colorful instead of just wooden beams and chipped wooden floors. The instinct to leave the room was almost immediate. She couldn't invade his privacy this way, how wrong is that? She was already about to turn when her eyes caught sight of a photo frame on the nightstand by the bunk and she narrowed her eyes on it.
She found herself moving across the room towards it, absorbing the Xavier-ness of the atmosphere. The faint smell of weed and cheap cologne was alarming, and she couldn't help but laugh at the thought. Imagining a younger version of Xavier on the top bunk smoking weed, maybe a girl with him he was trying to impress. She started to wonder if he brought girls over here, he doubted he would if was sleeping on a bunk bed. She remembered learning about his three brothers. From what it sounded like, they don't necessarily speak now, but she wondered what it must have been like back then. When they were children and they were sharing rooms, did they get along?
The photo in the frame was a picture of a very young-looking Xavier and an older man, maybe in his late twenties in a basketball ballcap. They were unsurprisingly in the bleachers of a basketball court. The man had his hand on Xavier's shoulder, and they had matching grins at the camera, though the man had a gold tooth, and Xavier had a tooth missing. He looked the happiest, Xavier had probably ever been. She guessed the man in the picture was his father, though he never talked about him, as much as she had learned about him. His father was never brought up.
She didn't know why she was still here. She needed to find the bathroom before she was eventually caught prying. She turned around quickly, about to hurry out of the room, and found Xavier standing in the doorway looking at her with a raised brow, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed. "Does this look like the bathroom to you?"
Aaliyah flushed. He didn't sound angry, but he definitely didn't sound happy and she wondered if she had crossed a line. "I— uh, I'm sorry. I didn't, I was—"
Xavier didn't let her finish. He pushed open the bedroom door, stepping aside for Aaliyah to walk through. "I'm taking you home now," He said in a cool voice, "Blair's resorted to blowing up my phone now."
Aaliyah frowned, and then realized that he was right. She turned off her phone earlier, getting irritated with the number of notifications she was getting from her. She bit down anxiously on her bottom lip and hurried out of her room, ducking her head as she passed by him.
Xavier directed her to where the actual bathroom was and she went without a word, still feeling a little embarrassed, though she couldn't rid her mind of the sight of Xavier with his father, she couldn't rid her mind of the look on Xavier's face when he caught her snooping. A more defined, older, darker version of the little boy in the picture. She couldn't define it like he had retreated back into himself like he usually did when he was caught in a situation where he was too exposed. But, Aaliyah could snag the sense of fear in him when he caught her.
On the way out of the house, she stopped to see Yazmine by the door, waiting for Aaliyah. She smiled pleasantly at her. "Thank you for having me," She replied in a soft almost nervous voice, "You're an amazing woman, probably one of the best people I know. And I had a lot of fun."
Yazmine waved her off, seeming almost embarrassed. "You don't have to pay compliments to win me over," She said, "You make my son happy. That's all I need."
"He doesn't need me," Aaliyah replied, remembering the blank look in his eyes in his bedroom. She remembered the man in the basketball cap in the photo on his nightstand, "It's pretty clear he has all the love in his life anyone could wish for. I kind of envy him for it."
Yazmine smiled, touching her elbow gently. "Maybe," She said, "But you didn't know the Xavier we all knew before you came into his life. This one... he smiles with more ease. He needs you more than you know—"
"Yazmine—"
"Lia," Yazmine shook her head not letting her finish her sentence. Her smile was knowing, as though she knew exactly what Aaliyah was going to say, "I haven't seen that glow in him in years before you. Even if you don't know it, he needs you."
Aaliyah stepped out onto the porch in a sort of daze. The sky was dark now, lit up only by the streetlights casting an orange glow over Xavier, cutting him out of the night, perfectly like marble. He was undeniably, painfully beautiful and today she was learning that the type of beauty he possesses usually comes hand in hand with some type of haunting damage that sharpens his edges and darkens the soft hue of his eyes. That had shadows leaping and lurking behind his eyes threatening to come out.
Yazmine's words still echoed in her ears just before the door shut behind her, when she held her gently by the shoulder, but telling her firmly like she was her mother, "he needs you more than you know... I haven't seen that glow in him in years before you..."
She swallowed deeply before taking a seat on the step above him. They were silent together, just taking the surprisingly quiet street in front of them. Cars would drive by every now and then it's rumble and smoke in its wake. It was almost peaceful.
Aaliyah hadn't heard this type of peace since San Diego, which, unlike New York, was a city that didn't thrive on as much noise and life.
Xavier breathed out a sigh, and Aaliyah cast a spare glance in his direction waiting patiently for him to break their silence. "My mom said that I should give you the leftovers from tonight, and the cobbler," He said in a cool voice, not looking at her.
A smile broke out across her lips at the gesture. Yazmine seemed to be taking on a nurturing approach to her. Something she wasn't very used to, except with Malcolm. But even then, there was a type of love only a mother could show you. Aaliyah wondered what it was that she did to deserve that type of love from Yazmine. "Really?" She said, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice. "Amazing. I loved her food. But what about you? Didn't you say you were picking up food from her?"
Xavier gestured to the car. "She had that food boxed up already, it's in the trunk now," He said. He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh, "She seems to like you," He observed still looking at the street before them.
Aaliyah breathed out a laugh. "I thought I'd turn on the charm for your mother," She replied wrapping her arms about herself in the cold shivering slightly when her bottom made contact with the cold concrete, "And your mother is a Godsend. And damn, she can cook."
Xavier made a low chuckle like a rumble in the back of his throat and she tried for a smile at the sound. The boy she met today hadn't completely disappeared beneath the hundreds of layers of thinly veiled disappointment and nonchalance; the choir boy, a mother's son. "She's the head of the food committee of my family's Juneteenth cookout and every cookout we have in all fairness." He responded with a tinge of nostalgia in his voice, "She'd be up the night before in the kitchen making her famous sweet potato pie for twenty and her chitlins."
Aaliyah had tried chitterlings once before with Lauryn on one of their field trips when she took her to a small soul food restaurant by the beach and for what was considered the worst of the pig in the slave days, it unsurprisingly made her tastebuds dance. The idea of Yazmine throwing down in the kitchen to make chitlins made her stomach growl again. "She must love what she does," Aaliyah said in thought. She loved to cook, but unlike her music, cooking wasn't something she had all that much patience for, but Yazmine treated her pots and pans and pantry of seasonings like an extension of her.
She found herself looking at Xavier again through squinted eyes and thought that that type of passion one has for something in life must be genetic to some degree. Because she was used to seeing that same sense of peace and delight that she saw in Yazmine in Xavier when he was by his soundboard creating beautiful music.
Another moment passed before he turned his head only a little so that his profile was captured in the sunset, the corner of his mouth tilted up in amusement. "You want a picture or something?"
Aaliyah rolled her eyes only a little surprised by the note of narcissism in his voice. Xavier was fairly confident in his abilities, she knew, but she knew of his mild self-deprecation too. He was not the one to drop a vain comment like that. She wondered what he was thinking, what shadows he was chasing behind his coffee-colored eyes. Those eyes looked just like his mother's. "Your mother really loves you," Aaliyah remarked still looking at him through wondering eyes trying to gauge his mental state.
Xavier snorted his shoulders raised in a shrug. "Guess so," He said after a moment, still looking away at the passing cars on the quiet street, "I bought her a new apartment, she has no choice," He said snorting.
Aaliyah's brows shot up. "You bought her an apartment?" She echoed incredulously, "Where?"
"Where I live right now?" He answered, a smirk playing along his lips, "I put the deed to the apartment in her name, but she didn't want to move out of here. She said she's like a mother to all the kids in the neighborhood. She's not about to let them go on without her."
Aaliyah's heart swelled thinking about how much Xavier must love his mother to buy an entire apartment for his mother. Using his success for the people around him, his mother, his Church. She never saw him as the giving type. "Your mother must be so proud of you," She said in a soft voice, unable to take her eyes away from him.
"I'm the only son she feels she can be proud of."
Aaliyah learned a little about his older brothers, not much about them besides the fact that he had brothers, but she could tell that they were something no one who knew them liked to discuss so she tried to avoid the conversation about them especially with Xavier who could switch on a dime if he wanted to, and she was really enjoying this side of him today. But she was curious, she couldn't help it. "Do you talk to your brothers?"
Xavier shifted uncomfortably, and Aaliyah was starting to regret opening her mouth to ask, but then he sighed. "It's complicated. We never quite got along. For loads of reasons, but they're into some bad stuff right now," He said in a low voice, "There were good times though. My brother Dom let me steal his skateboard when he first went to college. We bunked, so I suppose I was always going to be a little closer."
"I saw a picture of you all in the living room. You all look eerily alike," She replied in a dry tone a smile twitching along the curve of her mouth, "Which seems right, you look like your mom and she's gorgeous and well... you're you." She finished feeling her cheeks flush cringing internally at what she said. She didn't mean to comment on his looks, it was weird for her. He was stunningly attractive, but she hadn't been put in the situation where she'd openly acknowledge it. Suddenly a flash of mischievous dark eyes appears behind her eyelids and she flushed even more at the memory of her dream, mere fragments now.
Xavier turned his head a little to look at her; eyebrow cocked and the corner of his mouth tilted upwards only slightly, a teasing look on his face that erupted butterflies in her stomach. "You think I'm gorgeous?"
Aaliyah snorted trying not to show her embarrassment as she lifted her eyes up in mock exasperation. "Oh please, Xavier," She started in a bored drawl, "Like you didn't already know what you saw in the mirror. You don't need the likes of me to tell you that."
Xavier gave her a look that said something like "are you crazy?" and she stared in bafflement as he turned away to mutter something beneath his breath. "Do you know what you see in the mirror?" He retorted almost disbelievingly. "You're stunning."
Aaliyah felt her breath catch at his words. Of course, she knew what she saw in the mirror and she knew she was pretty conventionally, she had been told by lots of people almost annoyingly so that she was pretty, but something about the way Xavier said it, or maybe how his dark smoldering eyes shone like obsidian under the streetlights, like, to him it was a basic fact of life like it was something he internalized as his reality. That she was stunning, made her heart skip a beat, barely noticeable, but it was there and she realized that he managed to do that more often than not.
A moment later, Xavier turned his head away as though almost embarrassed, but Aaliyah refused the idea. Xavier didn't get embarrassed, "But then, I am biased," He said in a soft voice, his gaze searching the concrete steps beneath him for something she didn't know. Aaliyah stared at him. Biased? she thought, entirely baffled.
"Xavier, I—"
"Why were you in my room?" He asked cutting her off, not giving her the chance to think about anything else. Aaliyah breathed out heavily and sighed. Before she could at least pretend what just happened, didn't just happen and they could move on, but now they were here and he was questioning her about it directly giving her no wiggle room.
"I was looking for the bathroom," Aaliyah stammered starting off a ramble of explanations that really meant nothing to Xavier in the end and she knew that. But she couldn't help but talk, "I'm sorry. Once I got into your room, I got a little curious and I know I was wrong, but when I saw the photo frame by your bedside—"
She cut herself off at Xavier's sharp intake of breath. He was emotionless, of course, but she thought she could see a slight tightness to the corners of his mouth, his dark eyes a little glassy. A little crack in his facade letting her know that he wasn't as put together as he seemed. It was a soothing thought, Aaliyah thought, that she wasn't the only one. Maybe segueing the conversation wasn't what Xavier needed right now. Maybe he needed the right situation and the right person to confide in about all his chipped edges. "As much as I'd learned about you today, you never talked about your dad. Were you close?"
Xavier snorted rolling his eyes. "Once upon a time," He said in a dry voice and then shrugged, "Though my dad was pretty typical. Out of my life for extended periods of time and then popping back up when it suited him and then disappeared again. But he always pulled through when he was here and always had presents for me, so that Manny always waited by the door with bright-eyed hope for a future yet to come."
The bitterness in his tone felt like a venomous slap in the face. She hadn't heard anyone use that name without the warm sense of endearment they associated with someone they loved. Xavier, of course, would be the one to break that mold. She was curious. And maybe a little emotional, for some reason she didn't know. Aaliyah didn't know what to do with her emotions except let them simmer beneath her surface. Almost to a boil before she blew her top. She swallowed trying to think herself through her confusion. He needed someone to hear him. "You say that name like you hate it." She said in a soft voice trying to hold his gaze, but it was impossible.
Xavier sniffed, lowering his chin, his bitter smile shadowed slightly. "Emmanuel was abandoned by his father one too many times. He was heartbroken after being left at a Knicks game by him and his friend on his tenth birthday." He said in a low voice, and Aaliyah's heart stuttered at his words.
She felt a pang in her chest trying to imagine what it was to be abandoned by the person she loved the most and failed. She imagined a ten-year-old Xavier, maybe bright-eyed and hopeful and kicking his legs back in courtside seats waiting for his father to return who never showed up, she could almost see the light drain from his eyes, the same light she saw when he kissed his mother, or when he watched Aaliyah sing praise songs with the choir at Church. Or when he played piano beside her, the type of light that produced that addictive feeling in her stomach. She could feel hate stirring in her chest towards anyone, who could make that light disappear. "I never saw him again after that day. Which to be honest was a relief, it was horrible wondering when he'd be back. But he left me and my family with nothing but a bunch of debt and hospital bills."
"Hospital bills?" She echoed.
"Right, I forgot the best part of the story," He replied, and though he had his head raised, the look in his eyes was empty, "My mom got into an accident the night she tried picking me up from the game. She had just got her license, so she wasn't perfect at driving. She still isn't, if I'm being honest. She broke her wrist in three places and had a mild concussion, so she had to spend the night so you know how it is. My brothers ended up picking up more shifts to help my mom pay off all our debts and shit. Our eldest, Sam, had to drop out of high school for a while, I was too young so I ended up just helping my mom around the house. I cleaned, did laundry, I even used the food stamps to help with the shopping. When I wasn't at school, I was doing something I guess. I felt like it was my fault that my mom had to run around pulling three shifts exhausted half the time and working the other and it wasn't like my brothers helped much. They were my personal bullies after that, on top of the bullshit I got at school. And I couldn't even hate them for it either, I couldn't even do anything to help—"
"Xavier, you were ten," She said not wanting to hear him beat himself over something he couldn't change. "A child and you loved your father, no one could fault you for that."
Xavier shook his head, a frown twisting his features, his twists wild about his head like a crown. She felt the urge to smooth them down and bring Xavier to her, her chin resting on his head trying to help him feel less alone. Despite the people, she knew he had in his life. "But I did," He replied in a low voice saying no more than that, "And thanks for still calling me Xavier," He said in a low voice not looking at her, but Aaliyah could hear how meaningful he was being, "I know it's weird but it means a lot."
Aaliyah shook her head trying for a reassuring smile. "I know a little about reinvention. Wanting to start again, and become someone else. Someone you can love." She replied in a cool voice. It was nothing, to pay respect to someone who did nothing but be open with her, "I'm assuming Xavier is your middle name?"
Xavier made a face but shook his head anyway. "Not really," He answered, "My dad's Nigerian-American. And apparently, it's a thing that their side of the family names the firstborn or something like that, or at least that's what my mom told me. I have a few Yoruba names too. My mom said that she wanted to name me Xavier because it meant "the new house" which to me at least represented creating something bigger than yourself, something that can become bigger and better—"
"It can become a home."
Xavier paused and looked to Aaliyah over his shoulder, a thoughtful crease between his eyebrows and his mouth pulled slightly in a slow smile that warmed her blood. "Yeah," He replied softly, scrunching up his nose adorably looking away, "And it was something I wanted for myself. Something I wanted manifested in my life. To become something bigger than just another black kid on the block, another statistic, or whatever. I wanted to be more, something people loved and inspired people. So when I first signed with Soul Fusion, I went by Xavier instead."
Aaliyah knew that Xavier was deep and insightful and maybe at times spiritual with his outlook on life, but sometimes it took her off guard just how deep his thoughts went. Look no further than the tabloids and you'd think that he was just as problematic as the next rapper that makes it big in the industry. More into money and drip and girls, rather than real love, the world, and spiritualism. "I wish the tabloids would see this side of you," Aaliyah replied in a soft voice, "I know your lyrics tell a different story, but you're so much more than what they say."
Xavier was silent after that, but Aaliyah could still feel the waves of tension rolling off him, and she knew just by looking at his hunched shoulders as though trying to ward off the cold and human emotion, that he wasn't the type to talk this openly about himself. Aaliyah lifted her head to the sky admiring the little glimmers of passing airplanes. She tried imagining they were stars she could wish on.
Letting out a deep breath she smiled. "I also think that no matter how hard you try to bury the parts of you, you hated, they're still a part of you, and living with them without anyone else knowing them can feel awfully lonely," She said in a cool voice, from her periphery she could see Xavier staring hard at the concrete. She wondered if he was listening to her, "My tutor used to tell me I kept myself too closed off, that one day my refusal to trust anyone was going to kill me. I used to want to tell her to fuck off because I knew she was right to some extent anyway, but I couldn't. I didn't want to get hurt. I suppose it was my music that kept me sane for this long."
Xavier was quiet for a long moment before he sucked in a breath sitting up straighter. "I think that that might be the first real thing you ever really told me about yourself." He mused thoughtfully, amusement dancing in his eyes, though Aaliyah could tell he was still a little stunned. She couldn't help but flush at the look on his face.
She laughed awkwardly, shrugging her shoulders. "You've shown me so much about yourself, I suppose it's only fair I did the same," She said with a soft smile, "And my point was, was that you don't have to do that. You have a whole support system at your disposal, your mother, Gloria and Leon, and the choir, people who adore you. You have me, and you should know that I would always be here to listen to you. Even if it's three AM and I'm asleep. You have someone you can trust in me. I promise."
Xavier pulled a smile. It was soft and sweet and a little crooked, and awkward. The smile Aaliyah loved to see. She knew that he was the most genuine when he smiled that way, it was the smile that made her stomach flutter with butterflies and her chest feel lighter. It was how she felt when Jacks held her hand in public. At ease. "I know," He replied in a low voice, he frowned cocking his head to the side for a moment, "You're cold."
Aaliyah hadn't realized she was shivering until he pointed it out. She smiled letting out a shaky breath. "I was feeling pretty warm, surprisingly."
Xavier's smile widened and he stood up to his feet on the step towering over her crouched body, the steps were freezing she realized. Even though she was snuggled deep into her coat, she was shaking. "I find that hard to believe, West Coast."
Aaliyah felt a pit in her stomach at the nickname. She'd been ignoring all calls and messages from Blair and Jacks and she tried not to think about it. But she couldn't help it now, the only person to call her that had been Jacks. And now Xavier was calling her that, and she was feeling this way towards him and not Jacks. This wasn't right.
She frowned ignoring his outstretched hand and standing to her feet. She met his gaze evenly, trying to be as serious as possible. "You shouldn't call me that," She said brusquely, starting down the steps past him.
"Lia—?"
"We should go," She said quickly, guilt started to pool in her stomach, but she squashed the feeling though and continued turning back to face him crossing her arms over her chest, "It's late and no one knows where I am."
Xavier looked at her bewildered, and a little hurt and Aaliyah wanted to throw up. Had she not just promised him that she would be there to listen to him always? And then she goes like this. She can't do anything right by anyone. She felt like she wanted to cry, but she didn't want his pity. She sure as hell didn't deserve it. So she tried for a firm cocked brow.
Another moment passed and Xavier's expression was wiped clean of all emotion and he jumped down the steps passing by her brusquely down the street to his car. Aaliyah resisted the urge to groan out loud at her own stupidity and call him back to apologize, and instead just turned on her feet and followed him back to the car.
The drive back to Park Avenue was painstakingly awkward.
On top of being wrapped up in her own nerves and guilt about the way she acted right after Xavier confided in her, she was also exhausted. And her stomach only started to feel worse when hidden started playing on his radio again. Xavier muttered a trail of curse words before reaching out to violently turn off the radio; the only noise that was made during the entire car ride, and Aaliyah couldn't help but sink even deeper into a sinkhole of nerve-wracking guilt and frustration.
She kept sneaking glances at Xavier trying to piece together a sense of his headspace, but he was like reading a book with no words. Aaliyah channeling her tutor's optimism thought that maybe she just needed to try harder, Lauryn used to always say that everyone was an open book, it was just some people had to read it using ultraviolet light. But Aaliyah had no idea where to get that from.
The only thing she could see was his insanely tight grip on his steering wheel and him stubbornly keeping his eyes on the road, as the silence weighed down on Aaliyah's chest heavily making it almost impossible to breathe.
She was thankful when he finally pulled up against the sidewalk outside the apartment building.
It was dark out by the time he put his gear in park and he sighed leaning back into his seat. "Goodnight." Was all he said, not even looking in her direction, his expression blank and clear of any feelings, it was like looking at a marble statue, void of emotion.
Aaliyah was sad. They spent an entire day together, they laughed and talked and she had learned so much about him. The idea of just returning back to their usual interactions felt wrong to her like they had created a new bond between them only to ignore it. And it was her fault. She stirred in her seat, making a helpless noise in the back of her throat stammering words out before she turned in her seat unbuckling her seatbelt to face him. "We're not really going to end today like this, are we?" She demanded, her voice more forceful than intended but she couldn't help it. Xavier glances at her for only a moment before cocking a brow, "Like, doesn't this feel wrong to you?"
Xavier looked away from her, rolling his eyes. "Lia, I don't know," He replied in a drone, "To be honest, I don't know what you want from me."
Aaliyah made a frustrated noise. "I want to be able to end a really good day on a really good note," She seethed angrily, feeling her cheeks burn as she flushed glaring at his nonchalance, "I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier. I was totally out of pocket, and you had just told me something deep and personal—"
"Almost every black kid grows up without a father, Lia," Xavier snorted, "It's not that deep. I'm actually one of the lucky ones. At least I knew what my father looked like."
Aaliyah shook her head, biting down anxiously only her bottom lip. "That's not what it looked like earlier, Xavier," She replied softly, and she reached out to touch his hand on the console, which he swiped out from her instantly like her touch repulsed him. She felt herself flush, embarrassed, but she barrelled on knowing that if she was going to set things right she was going to have to speak, "You were hurt and it's okay to be. Just because it's common doesn't make it suck any less."
Xavier scowled at her. His dark eyes burning like hot coals, Aaliyah kept from shifting under his glare. "Like you could actually talk," He snapped out in a cold voice, "Lia, I know your life. You lived in a big house with both your parents, adopted, but still, they could even afford to homeschool you. You hadn't even experienced shit like this until you got here. You are the definition of sheltered and spoiled."
Aaliyah held her tongue. She had an idea that that was what most people thought of her, and she supposed she couldn't blame them, they didn't know any better. But she couldn't lie and say it didn't get under her skin when someone assumed they knew her life because of that. And she supposed that Xavier, who knew her music like she did, would know better. He probably did. He was hurt, and he was trying to lash out because of it. She just had to reach him.
She swallowed, taking a deep breath. "I don't need to live a certain way to know that being manipulated and abandoned by someone you loved isn't a good feeling, Xavier," She replied in a soft voice, keeping it as even as possible. Xavier shifted uncomfortably in his seat, looking away from her and glaring at his dashboard still lit up in the night, "And I'm sorry. I should have been more sensitive. I was an ass, and that was the last thing you needed. I just had a moment, I guess, it's not an excuse but..." She felt herself trail off not knowing what else to say. Jacks suddenly returned to the forefront of her memory and she swallowed guilt surging in her chest.
A moment of silence passed, and Aaliyah opened her mouth trying to think of anything else to say to rectify the issue, but she couldn't. Xavier looked a little less spiteful, the streetlights shone in his bottomless coffee-colored eyes like twin flames, his dark skin softened in the intimate lighting shadows leaping across his face so that he looked like shadows and angles. He was beautiful. Achingly so, the type of beauty that made her heart weep. She so wanted to touch him, but fear kept her from doing so. She had to reel herself in and hope he doesn't hate her.
Xavier breathed out heavily through his nostrils and Aaliyah thought she could see through his anger and see his exhaustion. "I don't really like fighting with you," He muttered after another beat, "It takes a lot of energy. And I suppose, you're one of the few people I've learned to trust."
Aaliyah couldn't help but smile softly at that, her heart skipping a beat. "I feel the same way."
Xavier closed his eyes, a frown creasing between his brows, his lips pursed. He looked like he was fighting some internal battle within herself. "Is it crazy that when we first met, I thought you might kill me?"
Aaliyah raised a dubious brow eyeing his muscular form. His tats and piercings. And then looked at herself. "You look like you could bench my weight." She replied shooting him a look as though he was a little crazy. She tried remembering the day they met in the conference room being formally introduced as partners. She remembered his smile and the shine in his eyes. She remembered thinking that he was the type that could lure her to the deepest parts of hell and make her enjoy it. They shook hands, and it was like she fell right into a nicely packaged trap.
Xavier snorted before pausing to look at her for a moment sizing her up and cocked a brow. "What are you? A hundred and fifty pounds?"
Aaliyah wasn't sure whether to be offended or, impressed at how close he was. "A hundred and forty," She replied in a slow voice.
He whistled under his breath a smile along his lips for the first time since they got in the car. "Dude, I could bench over two times your weight," Aaliyah rolled her eyes, trying not to swoon at his acclamation, before he continued, "And I didn't mean it literally, anyway. I just meant that something, well really, a lot of somethings unsettled me about you."
Aaliyah frowned. "How?"
Xavier looked away from her before making a gesture to her face. "Well for starters, you're stupidly gorgeous," He said making Aaliyah blush again, "Especially when you make certain faces like that one, but I don't know if that's just me or something. And I don't know, something about being around you, around someone so real and so unbothered by the world around you even when I knew you weren't, made me feel vulnerable. I tried to hate you for it, and at one point I might have convinced myself that I had. But you and your hazel eyes had this weird way of taking me apart, of making me feel things that I thought weren't for me."
Aaliyah felt her heart in her throat unable to take her eyes off of him. She realized how hard it must have been for Xavier to open up like this to her, but she had to be honest that she didn't expect anything like this in the slightest. She could barely understand what he was trying to say. "Do you always feel that way?" She asked in a low breathless voice.
Xavier let out a noise between a laugh and a scoff. "Lia, I feel that way all the goddamn time," He breathed out exasperatedly running his hand through his twists pulling them out of his face before looking at her, almost leaning over the console so that his face was only inches from hers.
Aaliyah felt his breath against her skin like a fan and she suppressed a shudder that reached her core making her twitch a little. She was grasping for reasons as to why feeling this way was wrong. She knew there were many reasons, a big one in particular. But staring deep into Xavier's bottomless eyes, his sinful half-smile, her reasons were slipping through her fingers like water.
Xavier reached his hand out to twirl a finger around a loose curl from her bun. Aaliyah had seen him with his music and she knew he could be gentle and loving with the things he loved. She never realized that she could be one of those things. She felt her stomach pool with warmth and butterflies and she pressed her thighs together tightly biting down hard on her lip trying to look anywhere else but his face.
"Look, I know that there's a lot wrong with this, but I can't help but feel right with you all the time and—"
Aaliyah didn't let him finish his sentence. The moment she lifted her gaze to his eyes almost pouring with a look she hadn't ever seen on Xavier before, but managed to twist her insides so much anyway, it was as though everything cleared up and she knew exactly what she wanted. An unfamiliar feeling, but it made all the extra stuff fade to grey, leaving only him.
She closed the distance between them, her mouth meeting his in a bruising kiss, her eyes falling shut instantly.
Her senses exploded.
She leaned into the console burying it in between her ribs, but she could barely feel it. Instinctively lifting her hands from her lap to snake around the back of his neck, letting her fingers run up his fade, almost lifting herself out of the passenger seat. Xavier was still for only a second before he moved his mouth against hers in a melting kiss, a groan in the back of his throat that sent heat past her stomach. His hands cupped her cheeks, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into her skin as their mouths moved in sync.
Emboldened by her, Xavier ran his tongue over the seam of her lips prying them open for more. His hands curved around the back of her neck, and wound his fingers about her hair, tugging on her curls, making her moan into his mouth. The clash of teeth and tongue as they kissed felt like a battle for dominance, and the pool of warmth below her abdomen told Aaliyah to submit, but her brain wasn't wired that way. There was this insatiable hunger that awoke in her and burned through her stomach lining and through her veins creating this numbing yet electrifying sensation that was so addicting.
"Fuck," Xavier groaned, nipping on her bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth and Aaliyah leaned up and forward as though trying to get closer to him. Her hands reached around his neck, her nails buried into the skin there like she was trying to draw blood, "You taste so hot."
Despite herself, Aaliyah couldn't fight her giggle, as he started pressing kisses along the curve of her neck. "You taste like peaches," She murmured in the quiet. Music was still playing, but it sounded incredibly far away like she was underwater and Xavier was her only oxygen.
It took everything she had to pry herself away, when the gravity of what they were doing settled, and when she did, and she saw the depthless desire darkening his eyes and warming her insides like coffee, and his kiss-swollen lips and flushed cheeks, she could barely breathe.