I'm not ready to face Roan, but that doesn't matter.
This is so much bigger than us, which means I have to carry the broken shards of my heart down to our secret spot and tell him what I've learned today, whether I like it or not.
Two weeks doesn't give us much time.
Whatever Rosie is working on, whatever distraction she's planning, she will need to be quick.
I find it hard to breathe as I walk down to the fence during rec time. My stomach feels hard and heavy, like I've swallowed a rock, and my throat is all knotted up with emotions that I can't begin to untangle.
But my feet don't falter – at least not until I'm into the safety of the bushes and trees, and suddenly he's there, bright and beautiful and real.
Only he's not looking as bright as normal.
Roan's eyes are hollow and shadowed, his face unshaven and his hair a mess. It's only been a day since I walked away from him, but he looks like he hasn't slept in a week, and I find that I take a nasty sort of satisfaction in that.
I hope the guilt is weighing on him.
Rosie is with him, still dressed in her shiny trousers. She looks tense and pale as well, like she'd rather be anywhere but here, and I don't blame her. Maybe she didn't realise how far Roan had taken his charade. Maybe she just feels awkward being here with both of us.
Either way, there's nothing I can do about it.
Roan starts to speak, but I cut him off with a slash of my hand.
His eyes fill with shadows, and I feel that same darkness, deep inside. It's sharp and cold and painful.
"The date for the Trials has been announced. They'll be held in two weeks," I say.
Roan goes even paler, and Rosie chews her lip.
"That doesn't give us much time," she says, glancing at him.
"Can you do it?" Roan asks.
She hesitates, then squares her shoulders. "Of course I can. We might be living off takeaway pizza for a while though. I won't have time to cook, and I'm not letting you do it. Last time you almost burned down the kitchen."
Before yesterday I might have smiled.
I might have wanted to know more about this incident.
Now I just try to ignore it.
"Caia," Roan says.
He moves closer to the fence, and it's only then that I realise they're both still on the other side. They haven't crawled through the gap.
It shouldn't hurt, but it does.
Now there's a physical barrier between us too, a physical manifestation of the trust that now lies in pieces.
"Please, just listen to me," he says.
The shards of my heart feel like they're getting sharper, driving into all the most vulnerable parts of me, and I grit my teeth.
"I don't want to hear it," I say, and I don't want to look at him, but I can't help myself. My eyes are drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
He's still the most gorgeous boy I've ever seen, and for a moment I marvel at the fact that he is mine, before bitterness cuts right through me as I remember that he's not mine. He never really was.
I feel the loss of him all over again, like a fresh wound.
Roan makes a soft noise of frustration and rests his head against the diamonds of twisted wire separating us.
I want to touch his hair.
I want to stroke his skin and kiss his lips and fly into his eyes.
But I don't move.
"Did your Handler say anything else?" Rosie asks, and I shift my attention to her, grateful for a reason not to look at Roan.
Her arms are wrapped around herself, as if she's trying to take up as little space as possible. I wonder if we would have been friends on the outside. I suppose I'll never know now.
I shake my head. "Just the date, and that's probably all they'll tell us. Everything else has to be kept secret so no one has an unfair advantage."
"Except Cole," Roan mutters.
"There's not much I can do about that," I say, and this time I resist the urge to look at him.
The air thickens between us, so heavy with tension that I swear I can feel it pressing down on my chest.
"Okay," Rosie says, her voice falsely bright. "So . . . I should probably get back. Lots to do and not much time to do it in. Uh . . . nice to see you again, Caia."
She's gone before I can respond, hurrying back through the trees in the direction of the city.
I don't want to be on my own with Roan, but I can't seem to leave, either. I mimic Rosie's body language, wrapping my arms around myself as if that will somehow protect me. I feel like I'm holding myself together.
"Are you ever going to give me a chance to explain?" Roan asks.
I don't answer. What is there to explain?
"Please?"
Nothing.
He hangs his head, and sighs. "Okay. Well, I'm going to come back here every day until you talk to me. I'm not giving up on us."
I don't point out that I can simply avoid this bit of the grounds. Well, not entirely, as I still need my trap to catch food for Boots, but it doesn't take long to check a trap.
And I don't point out that there is no us. The words are too painful.
"I'm sorry, Caia," he said, and his voice is ragged.
My chest aches.
My resolves crumbles.
Why does this hurt so much?
I do want to give him a chance. I do want to listen. But I'm afraid to. Because I trusted him and he lied to me. I'm terrified that he'll do it again. I don't know how to do any of this.
I want to protect my shattered heart, so I do the only thing I can.
I walk away.