Y/n POV
I was sitting quietly in the bath Hisoka has drawn for me. I watched the foreboding bloodred rose petals swirl in the water as the water jets made the bath like a a torturously comfortable experience. The pinkish hue of whatever oils and scents he'd put in there reached my nose, and I was reminded of him.I inhaled the strong scent and I frowned as I sank deeper into the bath and curled into a ball for comfort. I dimly heard Hisoka's silky voice as he read to me an old tale of fantasy and wonder. I'd imagine this was part of his apology and he'd done it every evening since the-the incident. I turned my eyes to him and felt the oils in the water slither over my body and cleanse my skin. Though, I didn't feel clean. We hadn't talked about what had happened for the past four days and I wanted-no needed to discuss it with him. I'd given him the cold shoulder for days now, but I could slowly see him wearing away each time I refused to hug, kiss or talk to him. At first, I needed him to be distant, to just let me recover. But as time wore on I too began to miss him and his hugs, his clever remarks, his playful banter, his beautiful smile, and his happy presence. He was clearly consumed with guilt and every time I attempted to bring up the subject of us, lately he'd made some excuse to avoid the discussion and do someghthing nice for me instead then disappear-like he always did. He'd even written me a thoughtful and clearly time consuming love poem. It was touching, and I loved it-but it was no solution to our problems. Most of our days consisted of massages, saunas, hot tubs, mani/pedis, hair appointment and all types of relaxing self-care type things. Though, he insisted we don't do anything remotely strenuous until I'm fully healed and he took it upon himself to keep me busy with all the aforementioned things while he ventured out to buy me gifts or visit the Zoldyck library to find interesting books for me to read, and for him to read to me. I liked and appreciated it all, but now really I just wanted to talk to him, to resolve this festering issue. My lips trembled slightly as I thought of how he kept avoiding the subject and thus trying to distract himself from his own guilt. He needed to face what he did, and talk to me so we could both move past it. I too, needed to face what I've done so I could move past it. I drew up my knees into me and I hugged myself as my throat bobbed as I felt as if I was going to cry tonight.
I looked to Hisoka and I watched his expression fluctuate as he read the thick, dusty book he was holding expressively so as to make the outdated language sound interesting and engaging. He did well as he spoke in a comforting tone while crossing his legs on the fluffy ottoman he sat on. I watched his eyes flicker over the page and he looked up at me and dramatically exclaimed, "and oh Tabitha, how my heart yearns for thy breath! How my loins yearn for thy forbidden fruit! How my lips yearn for thy gentle touch. But alas!" He glanced at the page briefly and, clutched his heart as he lamented, "if only the gleaming sea o'er the land would grant us passage. Oh Fates! Cease thy equivocation and bestow what you will upon me and my beloved, or I shall act rashly out of my stifled desires. I shall be struck down by my own hand- and rip out my own heart, tear out my own eyes and may the gods smite my soul and tear my-"I smiled slightly and I leaned over the edge of the bath. I cut him off as I pleaded softly, "please Hiso, don't read that part. It's too sad for me to hear right this moment, hm?." I leaned my arms on the edge of the bath and he looked toward me. His expression went from slight surprise and melted into admiration and love. His throat bobbed as he bit his lip and whispered, "o-of course my Love. I'll skip this part, it's far too unholy for your mind anyway, yes?" I just set my face on my hand and responded with "hmm." My wet hair dripped onto the floor as Hisoka cleared his throat and continued. I listened to him contentedly as I watched his expression closely. His eyebrows rose and fell, as his lips parted to speak his velvety voice, and his warm amber eyes shone as they meandered across the parchment. I smiled as I watched him, as I a sat there wishing we could just talk, wishing I could make him stop distracting himself from his guilt. I wanted to to face it, and talk to me so we could both move on.
After a few pages , his voice faltered and he glanced over to me. He shifted uncomfortably under my gaze and I reached my hand over to him. Lightly, I brushed my fingertips over the back of his hand and I realized how empty I had felt without his touch for the past few days. so I interlocked our fingers and held his hand tightly and I mustered up a small smile. He bit his lip and his pupils became heavily dilated as he stared at me in awe. He looked at my hand on his, then back to me eagerly. He rose his eyebrows in excited surprise and his face lit up as he squeezed my hand. He smiled warmly at me and I tilted my head to the side and looked back at him. A small smile crossed my face, and before I knew it, he had slid off the ottoman and he kneeled before me. His face was inches from mine and I found myself savoring his scent and missing his touch. He smiled at me and whispered desperately , "i- I love you to the ends of the earth, Love. You're so beautiful. You look like a mermaid dripping with glistening water and gazing at me like that. I'm under your spell Love, and I want to be. I want to be yours forever." I blushed and I opened my mouth to tell him how overjoyed his compliments and his words made me, though before I could he looked down and said quietly, "You know that right? don't you? You know that i love you, yes? N-no matter what?" I nodded and I put my hands on the sides of his face and I leaned forward even father. He began to blush and he looked back at me and his eyes fluttered as I pressed my hands to his cheek. His long red eyelashes became moistened with tears and he put his hands over mine. His happy expression warmed my heart and I felt my love for him envelop me once again, and as I gazed into his eyes i was glad to be able to be with him like this again.
I whispered, "of course, I know that. I'm your mermaid and let's not forget, your my merman, ok? You love me so much, and I know that. I know you'd never, ever hurt me again. I love you no matter what, Hisoka Morrow. I-I miss you so much, we should-we should talk about this, ya know?." I leaned forward to kiss him but he only frowned and leaned back and looked at my throat sadly. He moved to get up but I said quickly, "Hiso please! Please don't go, just- let's just talk, we need to. Talk to me for once, baby. I need you to tell me what you feel, I want you to tell me what you feel! If you don't I might just..." Hisoka looked away from me and hesitated, then nodded slightly. I was overjoyed at him finally wanting to tell me how he felt but I stayed silent, not wanting to ruin the moment or make him change his mind. He began to unbutton his cotton white blouse-like shirt and I simply admired his body and tried not to think about all I wanted to tell him and how horrible it had made me feel. Id begun to make a list in my head yesterday and it made me realize that while Hisoka had overstepped his bounds, he did have good a reason to be upset with me. Last night, I decided I'd come clean about Illumi and me at the sleepover, I'd apologize for what I'd done, I'd explain that I just needed some time to myself to recover and I missed him just as much as he missed me. I'd pour my heart out to him and hope he'd do the same with me.
He smiled as he caught my gaze and he said softly, "may I join you Love, my magnificent mermaid?" I pouted and pretended to think and he said quickly, "I wouldn't- we wouldn't..." he looked down and I smiled at his confused and tongue-tied expression. He almost never was like this so I savored this bashful side of him that I barely knew existed. I conjured a warm breeze to wrap around him and I said, "baby, you're so cute, come on over to Sissy, ok?" He undid his belt and scrunched up his nose as I said "Sissy" but he said nothing. I bit my lip as I watched his belt come undone and my heart fluttered. Against my better judgement I blurted out, "spank me Daddy, why don't you?" He pursed his lips and slid his pants and underwear off in tense silence. I mentally facepalmed myself or being horny and stupid. Usually he could say sexy and playful stuff all the time and lighten the mood in the process, but it seemed I did not posses that skill. He glared at me and I smiled at him sheepishly and murmured, "bad timing?" He just stared at me and pursed his lips, as if he was saying "you think?" I frowned and as I looked at him I saw he stood frozen a few feet away from the bathtub. I decided it would be time to deploy my feminine wiles. I uncurled myself from my fetal position and I stretched my arms up in the air slowly and sighed wistfully. I revealed my exposed chest to Hisoka, something he hadn't seen fully in days. I smiled as I watched his cock twitch and I resisted the urge to moan and beg him tell me everything he was feeling, so he could feel better and come be with me, right now.He furrowed his brow and said angrily while stepping into the bath, "stop that, Love. It's hard enough as it is doing this with you." He sat down abrutbly across from me and my smile became replaced with a frown.
"What do you mean, doing this with me?" I said, hurt and confused at what exactly he meant. Doing this with me? Was he talking about our marriage, our love? Had he finally had enough of us? Was he finally getting tired of me, as I feared? Is that why he kept leaving me for the past few days? Would he leave one day and just, just never come back? I felt tears sting my eyes and and i felt the flood of emotion and pain begin to overwhelm me. I looked up at him and said in a strangled whisper, "wha-what are you talking about? Are you talking about m-me?" Hisoka lunged forward and wrapped me up in a hug so tight I could barely breathe. He said abruptly, "no, NO! How could you-how could you, even for a moments have such an utterly absurd thought pass through your consciousness, what a ridiculous thought, how absurd." He gripped my shoulders and surveyed my expression. His words soothed me and I realized how emotional I was from holding in everything I wanted to say to him for the past few days. I smiled at him through my tears and I clutched his toned and narrow waist. His broad, muscled shoulders drooped as he looked at me and said softly, "I simply meant it is difficult to not have sex with you. Love, what's wrong? What can I do for you? What do you need from me?" I looked into his shining golden eyes and crawled toward him. His eyebrows shot up and I pretended I didn't see his shocked expression and I sat my backside the space between his legs. I curled myself up into a ball so I was nestled in between his legs and I leaned my head down so my right ear was resting on his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat. I could feel him releasing his aura and enveloping me in it as he grinned and hugged me back. I smiled through my tears and I conjured tiny droplets of water to float about the room and make the air warm and humid.
Automatically, I made the water suspended in the air smell like the lake that he and I had fought at one in Ángeles Los when he gave me the wedding ring. I leaned my side into him and he wrapped his muscled arms around me, and he sighed heavily and frowned. I said aloud, "Hiso baby, I want you to talk to me. I wish you'd just talk to me. You keep your feelings to yourself sometimes and now is not one of those times to do that. I want to, I'm ready to talk and be with you." He nodded and said quietly, "I know Love, it's just- we'll it's difficult to accept that..." I looked to his downcast eyes and I nodded encouragingly and pat his chest. He continued, "I've- I've become my father, no far worse. I am an abomination. I simply don't deserve you, I don't deserve you, I just- I-." His throat bobbed and his golden eyes brimmed with tears as he looked down at me and whispered, "Love I don't deserve to live, Love. What I've done, there's no sin greater than what I've done to you, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to be with you, I don't deserve peace." I jolted at his words and I turned abruptly to face him. His utterly morose expression made me want to weep and I gripped his shoulders and said firmly, "How dare you say that! Are these the kind of thoughts you've keeping from me? Is this what you refuse to talk about with me?!" He rubbed my arms and said nothing and he sighed in resignation. I willed myself not to explode and I said firmly again, "you're not an abomination, you're not even remotely related to your father in any way except for the fact you have his hair. You don't look like him, you don't talk like him, you don't think like him, you don't even exist in the same plane of existence as him. You aren't him, you're so much better, so much brighter, warmer, more caring, everything about you is better." I turned to him and got on my knees so he was looking up at me. I held his face in my hands and I whispered intently, "You're my Hisoka Morrow, my family, my friend, my soulmate, you're apart of me and you do deserve to live. You do deserve me.You just made a mistake is all, people make mistakes! Do you hear me? You're not an abomination, you never were and you never will be. You're my husband, and my love, and my soulmate, and I can't lose you! I can't! You are apart of me goddammit and when you say horrible things about yourself you're hurting me! I love you! My god, I need you Hisoka, my god please never think of say that again, or else I very well might die along with you."I watched as his lips upturned slightly and his amber eyes shone as he held my hips and whispered, "you mean it, truly my Love?." Upon seeing him, and hearing his words I felt relief- relief at finally knowing what was wrong and finally being able to be honest. I played with his hair and I looked down at him and nodded. "I with I love you with all my heart, Hiso." He sighed and wrapped his arms around me and set his head on my chest. He closed his eyes and I breathed heavily as I willed him to understand my love for him and to not let his guilt swallow him whole as I now feared it might.
After a few minutes, he nodded slightly and I slid back into his lap and I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. He clutched me and I leaned my lips near to his ear, and I whispered, "it's ok baby, it will all be ok. You made a mistake, is all. A mistake I will forgive you for hurting me because I love you and because making mistakes is what people do. Please, I want you to know what you did wasn't ok, and that it hurt me, but I don't want you to let your guilt kill you. Please, please Hiso don't let your guilt take you from me. You're the whole colorful Milky Way galaxy and you shine brighter than each star to ever exist. You, you're my guide in this world- and without you I, I'll die too. Do you want that?" Hisoka pet my hair and said in a strangled whisper, "o-of course not. It's that-that well, just that I've gone and almost killed you, and Illumi would never have done that. I've thought about this, so I know quite well that many things but he would not have- wouldn't have done that. He wouldn't have done to you what I did, he-he wouldn't have, I'm sure of it, Love." I willed myself not to and yell "FUCK ILLUMI! FUCK HIM, I NEED YOU- HISO! YOU!!!! FORGET THAT ZOLDYCK! FUCK ILLUMI, IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM! IT NEVER WAS! AHHHH!" But I knew that was definitely not the right thing to say right now, and it was an insensitive and frantic panic-driven thought, and I needed to be calm so I could think clearly and help Hisoka to understand me.
So, I took a deep breath and I leaned back I looked into his molten sunshine colored eyes and let their familiar depth comfort me. I sighed as i tried to sift through my feelings so I could articulate it properly and prepare an honest, loving, and thoughtful response. After a few moments I smiled softly and whispered, "Hisoka, as long as you're with me, I'm full. As long as you exist beside me, and as long as your soul is intertwined with, and apart of mine, I'm happy. You made a mistake, but so did I. I love Illumi and I hate myself for it. You almost killed me but, I also messed up. Bad, just remember you almost killed me so..." Before he could say anything I said quickly, "I have pictures of his dick on my phone and he uh, well he's got photos of me too and I well yeah. He caught me in a moment of weakness-after you hurt me and left me by myself. But I swear, it didn't go any farther than that, I'm so so so sorry." my face burned with shame and embarrassment as Hisoka pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes at me. He said in an accusatory tone, "so do you love him, then?" My heart pounded and I felt like crying and I said in a strangled whisper, "no, it like- I have concern for him, I- I love him like you'd love for a sick puppy. He supported me and helped me when I needed it most. But at the same time he makes me feel like if I stop caring for him, I'd be- killing him. But, I don't miss him at all since he's been gone. I'm just so confused. I love him- but barely, what I feel for him is microscopic compared to what I feel for you. I I hate him too- for what he's done to you, to me- and I just can't help it. I-i just feel like he's found a way to make me love him, even without his pin ." My heart became filled with shame and guilt and I began to cry. I was reminded of how I allowed my sympathy for him to fester and turn into a twisted form of love, unlike the rejuvenating, comforting, and completing love I felt for Hisoka.
Hisoka scowled and pulled me into his lap. He murmured, "Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. This- this is quite unsettling Love. Never do anything like that again, I- this angers me Love." I nodded and continued before I could break down again, "W-wait there's more. I- earlier, after you threw me out the window he found me. he-he wanted t-to be with me and I, I didn't want him. I didn't I just-" I began to cry harder and my body felt as if it was shattering at the mere memory of it. "He- he was about to rape me and I- he stopped but I was scared Hisoka, I was so scared, it's my fault, it's my fault. I'm so horrible I'm so so so sorry." I looked into his twinkling eyes and I just started bawling. Hisoka pursed his lips and wrapped me up in his arms to steady me and hold me. He pressed soft kisses onto head and he whispered, "Love I do not blame you for that, that is not your fault- it is not. I- I had no idea he could, that he would do such a thing to you. I was mistaken in my assessment of him, I thought I knew him well. Love, I need you to know that what he's done to you is horrible- you are not at fault for this. Do not allow him to fool you- he's far from a suffering sick puppy as you describe him as. He's a snake, no Love, I forget you enjoy snakes, that's quite beyond me, hmmmm." Hisoka thought for a moment then he caressed my face with his sharp nails. He smiled sadly said softly, "he's no snake dear- he's a spider. A spider luring you into his web of manipulation and love." I furrowed my brows as I processed his words but I nodded vigorously as I did so to show I was listening. I was awash with relief at Hisoka's reaction and looked up at him. The only expression he wore was that concern for me and I was so glad he didn't blame me for that, at least. Though, I wasn't exactly sure what Hisoka meant- Illumi wasn't trying to hurt me, he's told me so, he just was troubled and his past made him the way he was- just like with Hisoka. It was just like how Hisoka didn't actively try to hurt me- it's just the way his past has made him like with Lumi. Though I know Hisoka was trying to improve, I know he felt awful about what he did and I forgave Hisoka because I love him.
They were the same in so many ways. I tried to stop my voice from shaking as I explained, "He talked about his trauma and it reminded me so much of you. I felt like I needed to help him- he has no one besides me. He told me how my love would help heal him, just- well it's just like with you Hiso, but worse because he never had anyone before me." Hisoka narrowed his golden eyes at me and he opened his mouth to speak and I quickly said something before he could respond, "I promise didn't want to be romantically involved with him, it just happened. Please, believe me Hisoka when I tell you all I wanted- all I still want is to help alleviate his pain and help heal him. For some odd reason, after the incident I feel like- even more it's my job to heal him. It's just, just so weird... But you're right I shouldn't have allowed Illumi to pull me into his web." I held onto his arms wrapped around me and he growled, "do not be naïve dear he's a monster, a dragon lying in wait, a beautiful black widow that wraps you up and suffocates you with his manipulation he's deplorable and it's your job to love me, not him!" I winced at his words and I whispered, "Hisoka i don't love him, not really! And the only one really suffocating me is you."
He scowled and completely ignored me as he continued, "Love please, never allow him to take advantage of your goodness." I gave up on trying to make him realize his own disposition and understand my feelings for Illumi. So I I sighed in resignation and I nodded. I said, "Of of course, I'm so so sorry. Hiso, I promise you I won't. You need to know that I don't respect him, I don't need him, and he'll never ever be even remotely close to what you are to me." I touched my hand to his warm cheek and I brushed my hand against his jawline and I whispered, "you are me. You're my partner, my husband, my best friend, my soulmate, you always have been. You have my respect and my utmost devotion because I love and need you. I too, am sorry Hisoka. I'm sorry for what's gone on between the two of us. Im sorry for what I've done to cause you to be angry with me. I understand why you're upset, but I'm not perfect and neither are you. But you know what? We're perfect for each other, right?." Hisoka closed his eyes and pressed my hand to his soft warm lips and he smiled. i placed my hand over his heart and I kissed his chest lightly. I looked back up to his shining golden eyes and he frowned and nodded. He kissed me on my forehead and whispered, "you are forgiven for what you've done, Love. It seems as if you've made quite the mistake, as it were." I couldn't tell if he was playing with me or if he was serious. I shrugged and I whispered seriously, "Hiso, our hearts beat together. We beat together. No matter what you or I do, we're still a we, still a team, and we still beat together. Hiso, I love you my sexy, caring and magnificent magician, you're my everything and I hope you'll forgive me." The bath water sloshed as he pulled me to him, and his bloodred tinted lips trembled as he enveloped me in a loving embrace. My heart and body was warmed as he hugged me, and i felt comfortable and wholly safe in his embrace. He smiled through this tears as and he pecked small kisses on my neck. Tears dropped out of my face and he kissed them away and whispered, "yes Love I forgive you, i forgive you a thousand time over, you my sweet little mermaid and I love you and I'm so sorry." He wrapped his legs around me, pulling me closer to him. He cupped my face in his his hands and his bright red hair was ruffled, but still flowed like vibrant flames. I smiled and held his hands and he said clearly and sincerely in his deep silky voice, "Love, you're my everything, you're the sand to my glass, the up to my down, The Queen to my Joker, the chlorophyll that enables my photosynthesis. No Love, you're the sun herself. Your light sustains me, enables me to grow, thrive, and survive. always and forever- as long as I live, and before and after time has ended and our world has imploded in a firey cascade of lovely destruction- our love will live on. I will love on, and so will you. We will live on in eternity, together forever and even after, during and before forever- our spirits will still be intertwined. I'll see to it that it's true.." my lips wavered with love and happiness of his sweet, genuine and unique, yet slightly unconventional sentiments. I sat up and wrapped my arms around his neck. I pressed myself into him, and he pressed his forehead onto mine. We both closed our eyes and inhaled each other's scent.
My soul sang with happiness at being in his embrace once again and I whispered, "yes baby, yes Hisoka Morrow, yes. Even after there's nothing left in this world, our souls will live on together and be locked in an eternal lover's dance among the stars. Never apart, never again. Our love, our eternal bond, *sniff* it will, it does transcend time and space and..." my throat closed up with emotion and I bit my lip to hold back sobs. My lips wavered as I tried to continue with our heartfelt poetic vows, "oh Hiso, oh god- I love you. I-it will only strengthen over t-time, only we'll strengthen over t-time and Illumi can't even fucking compare to how utterly magnificent and inconceivably astounding you are I-I-..." I wiped my nose and sobbed the tears id been holding in the whole week. Hisoka's muscled form steadied me and I felt Hisoka's tears roll down his cheeks and plop into my hair. My body shook as I opened my mouth to try to speak again and Hisoka shook his head and kissed my forehead. A few silent tears escaped out of his eyes and he murmured in return, "Love that's enough. I'm so so sorry. Just don't hurt yourself, we can't have you breaking now can we? No, we cant." I laughed and smiled and pushed him weakly in a sorry attempt to push him over. He only chuckled softly and slid back next to me. I smiled weakly in return as tears continued to stream out of my eyes, and I my body still shook with my cries. Hisoka smiled gratefully and hugged me again and he began sniffing and he blinked away tears. I ran my hands through his thick red hair and I said trough my tears, "you can cry too, please Hiso cry just for me."
Hisoka POV
Her soft yet grounding touch brought me back from the ledge I had been hovering on for the past few days. Just barely, but it was enough. The sweet seductive abyss of death had whispered in my ear for days, calling me, urging me to do her the ultimate favor and heal her spirit with my pain and my end. Though, I had searched the ancient Zoldyck nen volumes to see if there was a way to be with her- even in death.
There was a way, a to imbue my consciousness and life force- my soul essentially-into her via nen. I'd become apart of her and give all myself to her and I'd melt away and become one with her. She'd still exist in the way does does now-but with me apart of her. I'd no longer be alive in the way I am today, my subconscious would meld with hers and we'd be wed at the soul and my physical form would die. This seemed a fitting solution to my perplexing, horrid dilemma. As I combed the Zoldyck library for entertaining volumes for y/n that's when I fell upon the sacred information. I had also done extensive research on this 'marriage of the souls' as it were. I hated leaving y/n alone to do that but I had to. She didn't want me around anyway. As I looked, I found the ritual was often referred to as " 魂の絆" or "bonding of the souls." I had no doubt y/n would open her soul to me, so I knew I might just have the privilege of merging my existence with hers, and being protected and happy within her without hurting her. I had found someone worth living for, and I'd almost killed her-and in doing that I'd almost killed myself.
I'd almost completely became entrenched with worry and I'd attempted to distract myself from the gaping hole in my consciousness that was usually filled by y/n's admiration and affectionate love. Just these past days, despite being together we've been distant, she's been detached and faraway from me. I attempted to give the space and time she needed to forgive me, but without her love-without her hugs and kisses, without her entertaining and thoughtful conversation without her breath, without everything she is- I was dying. without her love I was truly alone, without her I had no purpose. Yes, I had my fruits, but while they entertain me they do not complete me. They do not fulfill me.
Truly feeling alone an empty is when you reach over to your wife in bed to cuddle and she turns away from you and she whispers to the wall opposite you, "please, not now. Don't touch me right now, ok?" In that moment, when that happens our first night after what I'd done to her, I'd almost died in that moments. I'd almost shriveled away into a hush of my former self and turned to dust. I'd almost completely lost my existence to despair these past few days-only finding respite in the thoughts that maybe without me, she'd be glad, she'd be free, she'd be free to do as she pleased with me gone. And like that, at least I'd be of some use to her.
Though now as she weeped and clutched me, it was so much more than enough to change my mind. If I did what i had planned, I would never again feel her touch, see her smile, and live my life alongside hers forever. If she still wanted me, needed me, then I could be happy like this-as we were and as we are now and so could she. Now, she deemed me worthy of her unconditional love. I-I was finally loved, me, an abomination worthy of her love. If only for her, I'd stay, id stay with her for all eternity in this form if that's what she needed the most, if that's what pleases her-then I'd do it without hesitation. For my Love, my Sissy, my BFF, I would do anything. She kissed her name on my chest and her supple, wet lips sent blooms of warmth throughout my body. I wrapped her soft, small body up in mine and she nuzzled her head into my neck for comfort. I smiled and traced the curve of her spine as I held her. It was almost as if we were in a fairy tale, she wanted me, no, needed me, loved me just as much as I loved and needed her. We are each other's savior and support. We are both each other's family and we gave each other a sense purpose and happiness.
After her words, after she finally spoke to me in a meaningful manner, I knew she'd eventually forgive me for what I've done, though I also knew I was wholly unworthy of her forgiveness, let alone her love-not after what I did to my sweet Queen of hearts, my little kitten, my Queen. My eyes began to water and I felt my throat bob with the torrent of days' worth of pent up emotion threatening to burst forth and overwhelm me. Though, as if my kitten sensed this, she caressed my face with her soft gentle touch I had missed for so long. She kissed my collarbone and I rejoiced and pulled her naked body into mine. Her body became one with mine and her sweet voice graced my ears as I heard her say, "you can cry too, please Hiso, cry just for me, it's ok to cry when you're with me, remember, my baby?" My lips trembled and I bit my bottom lip, willing myself to not succumb to my tears. Though, as I gazed into her face, with her red runny nose, and her shining eyes I remembered she had seen all of me, she wants to know all of me, and it didn't matter if I cried or showed weakness. She'd love me unconditionally despite it all, and I'd love her back unconditionally because of it all. So released the tension I had been hiding in and I cried. I cried ugly, salty tears and sobbed to my hearts' content in my beloved's arms. For hours we lamented together, for hours I licked and kissed her black and blue throat and listened as she poured her heart out to me. I listened, I understood and when it was my turn- I gazed into those bright e/c eyes with a subtle purple undertone that resembles the Milky Way galaxy she spoke of, I told her- I told everything. I told her how utterly empty I've felt, how horribly alone i felt without her, how I felt I wasn't worthy of life or happiness anymore, not after what I'd done to the one person in the world I truly love. I held onto her damp hair, hugged her comforting little body, and weeped on her shoulder. She nodded and listened intently as tears of her own leaked out her beautiful eyes.she let me pour all of myself out to her, and I did. Every.Last.Drop.
And when we were done, I smiled with an unbridled happiness and sense of warmth and peace I'd never known to experience to such an extent in my entire life. Perhaps, perhaps I should go through with my plan after all- for I don't deserve to feel such peace.
Y/n POV
As we sat in the warm bath together in each other's embrace, we were both in complacent, and peaceful yet an exhausted silence. Hisoka's pointed chin rested on my back and mine rested on his shoulder. We had our arms and legs wrapped around one another and my body, for the first time in ever-felt completely and wholly at ease. I felt fulfilled, and contented like I was living in a kind of calm, clear state that seemed to only exist under special circumstances. Now seemed to be one of those moments. We had used our nen auras to wrap around one another, and as we sat quietly together, savoring the feeling of each other's soul laid bare I felt our existences intertwine.
He wore a subdued closed lipped smile as weaved his bungee gum between us as it wrapped around us both. It snaked up my legs and my body tingled pleasant as he encased me in his aura and it got around me like a skintight layer of love. As he wrapped himself around me, my heart rate became unhurried and soothes and my whole body felt as if it was being encased in a warm, smoothly fluid blanket of adoration and sweetness. My whole body felt pleasantly tired, like I was inside a womb, his proverbial womb. The bungee gum stuck to my skin and wrapped all the way up to the base of my chin and tickled the nape of my neck as the bright pink aura throbbed with all his warmth, all his soul and bore it before me. I could feel all of him, all he was feeling but the most overwhelming feeling, the overarching feeling that totally trumped all others was his unconditional love for me, and the accompanying guilt that he still carried. I was taken aback as I sorted through his feelings. I didn't know he was capable of true regret in the way a normal person was. Though if there was any doubt in my mind about whether he truly meant those apologies, such doubt had been burned away with this. I looked up at him in loving awe. His brow was furrowed and his expression wasn't necessarily troubled, but it was one of deep contemplative thought. I folded my hand into his and I whispered, "Oh Hisoka." He offered no verbal response and kept his intent gaze fixed on the infinite horizon line before us. I could feel the thoughts churning around in his consciousness, but I couldn't decipher them. I decided I'd savor the feeling of him wrapping around my entire existence rather than trying to decipher and break down it all. I touched my chest lightly and I felt my finger stick to my chest. I frowned and pulled but it didn't release unless I kissed it. Wherever I kissed, the bungee gum melted away for a few moments so my lips could touch his skin then it returned back. I smiled and I wondered why he hadn't ever done this before for me. As if to answer my question I felt him constrict around me and it was like his aura had melted into my skin and become a protective, caring layer on me. As his aura tightened and churned around me I felt his everything. I was brought to tears as his consciousness flooded throughout me and I fell to my knees t the inundation of extreme love and the debilitating fear of losing it. Hisoka turned and looked down at me like he was almost not living in the moment, as if he was in a trancelike state. I clutched my chest and my heart was overwhelmed with love, fear, passion and pain. I trembled as my body collapsed and I felt the ebb and flow of life be infused within his aura. Our aura. I felt he overwhelming intensity of his love for me and my throat tightened as I cried tears of joy at being loved, adored, needed, and valued to such an insurmountable extent. Tears flooded down my face as my body felt heavy, heavy with the weight of another soul. I looked up at him in awe and tears were rolling down his cheeks too.
He noticed my gaze and looked down at me. He cocked his head in a way that made it seem as though he was sleepwalking when he bent down and wrapped his arms around my bare waist. I clutched his hands and my body shuddered as I felt him sink into my skin and some part of him nestled inside me. I cried out in unparalleled bliss as I felt a hole in my soul, a hole I didn't know I had had be completely and utterly filled by his being. My body and mind felt as if it was being overwhelmed with a strong, radiant, and darkly saccharine presence. I felt as if a light that was uniquely Hisoka was shining on all the darkest corners of my being and melding into me. I squeezed his hands and said in a hoarse whisper, " Hiso what's happening to me?" he said nothing as he poured himself into me and my being swelled with two souls in one body. I felt the life force of his body drain away and I panicked as I realized he was pouring himself into me and st this rate- his body would die and his soul and his life would be mine. I wanted that but I wanted to be able to hold him, talk to him, see him. I didn't want his human form to die and live on in me. My vision blurred with tears as I quickly turned around and placed my hands on his paling chest and willed his consciousness and his life force that had already begun to meld with me flow back into him. He didn't reject me as I sobbed and pushed back all he had given back into him. I thanked god that he embraced me and didn't reject me and I watched the light return to his eyes as we shared in each other's life force and consciousness. Finally the color returned to him and we both shared in each other's love, light, and life. He clutched my arms as we exchanged each other's aura at a more equal rate now. It was as if he was imbuing his essence within me, and after I realized what he was doing, I made it an equal exchange by offering him mine.
Though, our auras were so mixed and muffled together I could barely tell him from me at this point. His body seemed to glisten as he beamed the brightest, most happiest smile I've ever seen in his face in the decade I knew him. I laughed and smiled back as I touched my forehead to his and we rubbed our noses together as our naked bodies pressed into one another's. I whispered into his mouth as I kissed him softly, "I love you Hisoka." His saliva tasted like the nectar of the gods and I wrapped my arms around his neck and climbed onto his lap. Our sweaty bodies became intertwined and my breasts slammed into his chest as I slid into his penis. I tightened around him and cried tears of joy as I felt him fill me, stretch me out, and complete me. He moaned as he bucked his hips and thrust into me my body wrapped around him and we moved in perfect sync with one another for the very first time. As our heartbeats became just as synchronized as our movements he whispered back, "thank you y/n." I smiled and gazed into his bright, radiant face and his molten sunshine colored eyes and I his fiery hair. He pressed his being into the walls of my conciosness and I stretched myself to let all of him in as he pushed himself in all the way to the hilt. And so we made love and fed our life force to one another our bodies and souls melted together. Our kiss, our love, our existences became one and I was brought to the heights of ecstasy until all I felt was him, and our eternal love for each other.
His golden eyes shone with an unbridled vibrant life I've never seen before from him in my entire life, and he sent a feeling of all encompassing gratitude down our bond. This thankfulness that he could finally love me fully and without restraint, knowing with all the certainty in the world that I'd never ever leave him. I sobbed and let my aura envelope him hoping he'd feel some semblance of the attachment and debilitating love I felt for him. Once I did that we both came together and he stayed inside me as we wrapped our arms and legs around one another. He played with my hair and kissed my throat as we lie with each other on the patio together, our aura exchange subsiding , but our souls now effectively intertwined and melded with one another. We sat like that for hours as the sun sank in the sky and cast a late afternoon glow on us both.
I lazily stroked the sculpted muscles on his back and once our I kissed his shoulder as I memorized his scent. He did the same and I whispered while playing with his fiery hair, "I love you so much, Hiso. Why did you almost- almost give all of yourself to me, put all of yourself inside me? You- you..." I didn't want to say "you could've died." Because he wasn't dying per say but he was definitely making an active choice to transfer his whole being to me and leave his physical form completely. So in a way, it was a type of sacrifice, a form of a kind of poetic form of death. Though it was death nonetheless, and that bothered me to no end. he smiled and whispered as he played with my hair and twisted different strands along his long fingers, "I'm grateful as well, Mrs. y/n Creatur-Morrow. Grateful that I can now love you with all my heart, knowing that no matter what you'll never stop loving me, never ever, hm?." He kissed my shoulder and I felt his soft lips massaging my aching skin. I moaned and hugged him closer to me and I whispered "I love you, I love you Hiso." He chuckled and softly sank his teeth into my breast while stroking my clitoris. It had only been a few minutes ago that we'd had sex but I missed him again. My vagina quivered and I leaned back so I could look at him in his face. I whispered reluctantly, "Hiso that's true. I'm glad you know now. Though stop a-and please just answer my question. Why were you about to- to transfer your existence and meld it with mine. You- you were going..." he bit his lip an looked down and stopped touching me. I wanted him so badly, but I knew this discussion was more important. I used my index finger to lift his chin up and I said softly, "Hiso tell me, my love tell me please why you- you were going to, why you wanted to die and be reborn within me. Why? What..." I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his chest. His throat bobbed as he clenched his teeth and cried, "I want to be apart of you. I want to live inside you. It- I can't do it y/n I can't be apart from you. I thought I could, but I can't, can't!I can't. Love! I can't!" He repeated "I can't." over and over again and my throat tightened as I cried with him and I wrapped us in a sweet humid mist together. I held him and kissed him all over as I whispered, "you don't have to leave me Hisoka, not ever, you'll always be with me, and part of me, especially now, after our... melding." He grimaced and softly, "but dear as per the contract you must spend at least 72 hours alone with him. That's too much for me, that's- that's too long apart from you- especially since you're with him. It would pain me too much so I thought, if I became apart of you, if I gave you my strength, my soul you'd- you'd take care of me and we could be one and you can still be with him." He looked desperately into my eyes and they were rife with pain and grief as he whispered, "I mean it my Love. I'm addicted to you. I'm attached, I'm- I'm a parasite, I'm an abomination, Love. Let me inside you and I'd be fixed forever- I'd be loved forever, I'd be apart of my Queen forever." He cried and my eyebrows jumped as I heard him call himself that. I'd never ever considered him a parasite and the thought literally had never crossed my mind, and I knew he hated that word abomination worst of all. It pained me to hear him call himself that again.
I thought of what I could say or do to make him realize that we belonged together, in our separate physical bodies but irrevocably joined souls. I smiled sadly as I I pet his hair and I wrapped us up in a blanket of a breeze. He sniffed as I conjured fluffy clouds all around us. I conjured the outline of a baby in the clouds float around us. I looked away from him and I whispered, "if your life force became apart of mine, we could never have children together Hiso. We'd never make love again, we'd never hold hands again. We could never go on adventures hand in hand, we could never feed strawberry ice cream to each other. And you'd never get to watch your fruits grow. We'd never get to celebrate our birthdays together again. Don't you want to see me turn twenty in two years?." He frowned and his expression darkened as all these facts actually dawned on him. His golden eyes seemed to dull with his realization. I felt him, his need his, his arms wrapping around me, his pain his everything. I hoped to our Creator that he felt how much I needed him physically existing beside me- instead of making himself a natural part of me. Something like that was an absolute last resort- what lovers who knew about nen did to have their souls live on in one another- or feed their life force to their dying mate to heal them. That's not what two healthy, young, and happy mates did when they were scared of the future may hold. I don't remember where I learned of such a technique, but I knew of it somehow. Through one of the stories I read before bed, maybe?
Regardless, All these thoughts swirled in my mind as I said finally, "I'd never be able to talk to you again. I'd never feel your breath on my skin- you'd never be able to hold me, you'd never be able to have kids with me, you'd never be able to love me and touch me and kiss me. We could never be together again if you did that. Your body would die and your life would be mine. You'd exist within me but not in the way you do now. You'd be sleeping forever within me and never wake up. We could feel each other but, we'd never touch each other's messy bed-hair again." I ruffled his hair and smiled as I held back tears at imagining the immense pain it would give me to know Hisoka was with me but never be able to hear his voice, touch his face, hold him in my arms, see his smile, or cuddle with him ever again, never hear his words,never be abl to talk to him... His eyes widened with realization and he covered his mouth with his hand as tears leaked out of his eyes. He sobbed once into his hand and he looked at me and I nodded. His body shook as he cried into my shoulder and I pat his back and tried not to balk at the fact that this is the first time he's ever sobbed. He's had tears leak out of his eyes, he's whimpered, he's made little small cries that sound like a bit like mewing cat. But he's never outright sobbed uncontrollably. That is, until today. I kissed his hair as he cried into my chest. He clutched my back and I felt his wails sink into my skin and rattle my bones. I too began to cry and I hugged him with all I had to support him, and to support myself. His body shook and his muscled rippled as curled his hands into fists on my back. I nuzzled my cheek on the top of his red hair and whispered, "your my Love, it's ok baby. Shhhhhhhh shhhhhh, it's ok baby, it's ok, you make me want to go on living, stay with me forever, why don't you?." His thick body was wracked with sobs and I continued to whisper my love to him and as tears streamed from my own eyes at witnessing his breakdown I assured him all would be ok and get even better as time continued on.
His sobs subsided into subdued, ongoing quiet tears. I wrapped my legs around him to him and myself and I ran my hands through his thick hair and my voice quivered as I said, "H-Hiso it's- we, we're- it's ok now I love you." He sniffed and looked up and pointed nose was tinted red, his beautiful golden eyes shone with salty tears and his lips quivered. I cupped his face in my hands and my throat closed up as I took in the sight of his beautiful, handsome face marred by tears and sadness. My heart ached as if I had been stabbed a thousand times and i in a pained whisper I said to my love, "Oh Hiso, oh my baby, you're okay please know we are o- no we're better than ok- and we always will be together, I love you infinitely" i traced my hand across his defined back muscles and he said nothing as he whimpered and nuzzled his face into my neck. I pat his back comfortingly as his body shook as he cried, " I made y-yet another mistake y/n yet another mistake. Yet another mistake. I hate this, I hate myself!" he kissed my throat and admitted, "I hate what I did to you, i- I hate myself y/n I hate the pain Love, my mind won't let me forget how much of a monster I truly am." As I heard his words I felt as if I had been shot by a flaming arrow that pierced my heart. I clutched him to me tightly and I shook. He kept saying these awful things over and over again and each time they hurt me worse.
He held me in return as I shared in his pain. I collected myself and tugged on his hair so he'd look up at me. He was far taller than me but right now he was in my arms looking up at me. I felt honored beyond belief to have him need me,- and I told him sternly, "as I said, when you hate yourself you hate me. Because now more than ever, I am you. We are each other. So do you hate me Hisoka?" Tears slipped silently down his face as he winced. He kissed my collarbone with his warm lips wet with tears. in his breathy, velvety voice he said into my heart, while stroking my back, "no dear. You define my entire existence you are my life-giving light and I simply orbit you. Your life is mine and it is the utmost blessing to own you." He shifted his position wrapped his thick muscled legs around me and my heart pattered quickly as I felt butterflies in my stomach I responded, "it's a privilege to share an existence with you. It's an honor to be owned by you, it's an honor to be your wife, it's-" I choked up as tears stung my eyes and a seemingly a million emotionally charged yet indecipherable thoughts pounded at the walls of my consciousness. I sat conflicted and fought to hold back my tears but as Hisoka's tears plopped onto my breasts I figured why hold back? Why be 'strong'? I've already cried a thousand tears today alongside Hisoka, what's one more lover's lament? Today would be our day of catharsis, it seemed, and I was glad for it.
When we had both soothed one another and voiced all our concerns, and cried our all our worries, pains, and anxieties away it was nighttime- and I was exhausted. And yet, I didn't feel like sleeping, and neither did Hisoka. I thought that we could maybe just lay in bed together and eat and just talk and cuddle. Hisoka nodded like he had just heard me and he rose to his feet. Silently, he bent down and scooped me up into his arms. Our bodies were glistening with water from the bath and he laid down a blanket for us on the patio and we sat down side by side under the night sky.
The stars and moon shone down on him and I was reminded of how the moon had reminded me of him during the Hunter's exam when I was alone and in the quiet woods. I broke the silence with my words, "you're more like my sun now. Before I said you were the moon, but if anything, you're the sun, Hiso- and I'm a sunbather, basking in your light. I think that's the most accurate comparison here." Hisoka chuckled and said in his deep smooth voice, "thank you Love, that's quite the high praise, hmm."he padded over to the door, retrieved our neatly packaged dinner sitting outside the door on a tray. I smiled at him as he returned to me Hisoka smiled softly as he looked at me and held the food and I noticed his expression was softer, more blissful than usual. I smiled as he closed the door and set the food between us. He crawled onto the blanket next to me, but he enough space between us so that we could see the entirety of each other's faces. he rested his head on his arm and laid on his side and turned to me he smiled blissfully and said, "though- Love, it's more as if you're the sun and I'm the sunbather. Because without you I am nothing, you define my existence, Love and it's my privilege to orbit around you, as I've said." I mirrored his position and my body was warm with the fullness and pride at him viewing me in such a way. I blushed and scooted closed to him. I whispered a thank you and guided his hand to rest on my hip. He smiled a cute close lipped smile and guided my hand to rest on his cock. I rolled my eyes and held him around his waist as he winked. Our gaze caught each other's and once our eyes met a blanket of silence warmed us as we simply took in the being of one another, basking in each other's light. I allowed the overwhelming of him and his love to envelop me and redeem me. I felt so full, so completed, so safe and peaceful I was grateful in that moment.
As we bathed in each other's presence I began reflecting on us, and on who I was and who Hisoka was,and who we were. As I rowed down the river of my thoughts, my heart clenched as I remembered what he'd told me about what his family, his father in particular had done to him. Hisoka was born with something awry to begin with and his homelife before me, Elaine and the bounty hunters/ magicians, was physically and physiologically abusive. I knew full well what I was getting into the moment I promised him I'd never leave him when I was 9, and I loved him with everything I had since then. I was alone when I met him too, my parents were dead and my only living relative dumped me in the least safe city she could find rife with gambling. My parents were dead and my aunt Nina got tired of me; and believe it or not- Hisoka and Elaine became my true family. Just as I became Hisoka's 'Sister'. So, it truly did hurt me to my core to know that despite all we've been through, it took him almost killing me to realize my love for him was unconditional, that it would never fade despite how he could be. Because with the worst of him, came the best of him- and to me all of his charming, odd, fun, thoughtful, and caring tendencies toward me far outweighed his flaws. Flaws that I didn't blame him for. Flaws and trauma that were extremely dangerous, yes, but flaws that i refused to let define my love for him. That's why I let it happen, that's why I let him do what he did. I did it so So he could finally lay his paranoia and fear of losing us to rest. So he could love me fully. I thought about the overwhelming guilt I knew he felt I brushed my fingers across his lips lightly. His eyes twinkled as he slid his hand into mine kissed it deeply while closing his eyes. I felt his warm soft lips on the back of my hand and I watched his long moistened eyelashes quiver. I too quivered snd I whispered, while rubbing his arm, "Hisoka Morrow, you are officially forgiven. I forgive your for every little thing you've ever done to me. I forgive you for almost killing me and I'll keep on forgiving you for whatever you do to me because I love you because from now on we'll always exist alongside one another, with our souls intertwined. And I wouldn't have it any other way, ok baby? I forgive you, ok my Hisoka?" I touched his cheek and he whispered, "I'm honored to be yours, y/n and I'm glad I have you to forgive me." His eyes fluttered open and he looked at me and smiled softly. His sharp canine teeth shone through his smile and as his eyes twinkled as his hair seemed to ripple in the gentle breeze like a calm ocean just after a earth shattering tsunami. His smile shone with peace and gratitude as he whispered in the softest voice I'd ever heard him use, "Thank you, Love. Having you is the best part of me." As I pressed my hand to his cheek I admired his expression and it was one of the purest expressions I've ever seen him have. his golden eyes that always seemed to have a dark ring of regret and pain around them, but the majority of that pain and depression seems to have vanished. As he kissed my hand and caressed my hair I savored his warmth and his unbridled happiness. I'd only seen him this at peace twice before and this time it was different. He shone like the sun and I was but a humble sunbather taking in his light, as I kissed him softly and whispered to him how much I loved him, and appreciated him. I had always relied on him, needed him and deferred to him for everything. I'd taken him for granted before, and I'd never, ever do it again. After my parents died it was truly just me, him and Elaine. Now though, it was just me and him in the whole world. my being quivered with the joy of being loved by him, of loving him of having his aura caressing my mind, heart, body and soul and being enveloped by his sweet, complex and velvety aura. I felt the most at peace and the most loved I've ever felt in my entire life. As i looked at him I knew without a doubt that my soulmate. My soul.