Tanda pa ni Vannessa ang pagkakataon kung kailan niya napagtantong dapat siyang mag-ingat kasama ang mga lalaking hindi niya masiyadong kilala.
It might be a weird thing to think about, but she had always thought that she was a harasser-magnet, if that thing ever existed in real life. Maybe it was because she had lived majority of her life getting harassed by her own clan, that was why she'd been attracting the same energy since then.
She didn't know. She wasn't so sure.
But certainly, other girls had it worse than her. There should be other girls who had been having it worse. It was just that thinking about that didn't comfort her even for a little bit. In fact, it saddened her even more.
Why must women suffer for being constantly objectified and sexualized?
Why must women have to live in fear?
Sa tuwing naiisip niya ang mga nangyari sa Zambales ay hindi niya mapigilang makaramdam ng kaba. Lumilingon-lingon din siya sa kanyang paligid kahit na nasa condo siya dahil sa takot na baka muling mangyari ang lahat ng mga bagay na iniiwasan niyang mangyari.
Kahit nga ang pakiramdam ng mga kamay nito sa kanyang dibdib at itaas na parte ng kanyang katawan ay nararamdaman pa rin niya, ang naglalakbay nitong mga kamay pababa nang pababa sa kanyang katawan.
She just wanted to forget everything that happened in that place, but forgetting everything meant forgetting the good things that she felt when she saw the sea for the first time after quite a long time. Forgetting everything meant forgetting the fun moments she shared with Santi.
But whenever she tried focusing on those better things, the guy would always creep in with his rough hands against her body.
She hated how a single bad memory could ruin all the good ones. She hated how unfair it was.
Minura niya ang sarili nang muling maalalang hindi niya nagawang manlaban dito at katulad ng dati'y naestatwa lang siya sa kanyang pwesto.
You should've fought. You should've punched his face like you usually do whenever you're drunk.
But that was the case, she could only do that under the influence of alcohol. Pero kapag hindi siya lasing at nangyari ang bagay na hindi niya gustong mangyari ay natutulala siya't nanginginig. She'd always feel helpless.
"Good morning, bhie." Santi placed a wet kiss on her cheek before giggling, shaking her head.
She smiled when their eyes met. The girl had been living with her for more than a week already, and she had proven to be a worthwhile companion.
Since Greg stopped sleeping at her condo because of his tight schedule, Vannessa had been spending the night in her condo alone. Minsan ay nagigising na lamang siya sa gitna ng gabi at napatutulala sa hindi niya malamang dahilan. Madalas din ay nagpatutugtog siya ng mga kanta para lang magkaroon ng kaonting ingay sa condo niya. The deafening silence allowed unwanted thoughts in, and she was avoiding that.
With Santi, it was different. Kapag wala siyang ginagawa sa gabi'y nanunuod sila ng palabas habang kumakain ng kung anu-ano. She remembered her bringing chocolates and donuts the night after the tragedy happened. She was thankful for that.
Kaya kapag kasama niya ito'y hindi niya pinahahalatang apektado siya sa nangyari sa Zambales. After all, she was thankful for Santi for protecting her. She would have been in greater danger if it weren't for the girl. She no longer wanted her to be more worried.
Hindi niya binanggit kay Venice at kay Greg ang nangyari. Noong nakauwi sila ay tahimik lang siya hanggang sa naisip niyang mas maiging umakto siya na parang hindi apektado.
But of course she was affected. It made her even more anxious, even around Jax. Her sentiments towards the guy changed drastically after the night in the convenience store, but after what happened at Zambales, she couldn't help but feel nervous whenever they're alone together. It was like her anxiety was trying to ask more attention than it ever had before.
It was harder to control her thoughts now, and sometimes she felt guilty for thinking about innocent people that way.
Greg, on the other hand, had been checking up on her. Busy pa rin ang binata sa trabaho nito pero nangako itong babawi kapag nagkaoras.
Sometimes she'd think about visiting him herself, but she was afraid that he'd read through her acts.
"Anong niluluto mo, misis ko?" pabirong tanong nito.
"Breakfast," Vannessa said, smiling.
Natawa nang marahan ang pinsan bago umupo. "Well, obviously."
"Do you have plans for today?" she asked her, looking at her shoulder. She couldn't explain how comfortable she felt around Santi. Maybe the girl's personality was the complete answer. She was utterly likeable, she reminded her of Venice, but in a sort of different way.
The girl thought for a brief second before answering, "I want to prepare for med school."
Hindi niya napigilang magulat sa sinabi nito. Muli niyang naalala ang sinabi nitong ito ay isang med student noon pero nag-drop out ito. "..I stopped schooling entirely." She remembered her saying.
Muntik nang masunog ang niluluto niyang omelette nang dahil sa pagtitig niya rito. Natawa naman si Santi sa naging reaksyon niya. "I've disappointed my parents enough." There wasn't a hint of sadness in her tone, but Vannessa knew better. "Okay na rin 'yong may gagawin. Nangako rin si daddy na bibilhan niya ako ng kotse at condo kapag nag-aral ulit ako."
Santi had never talked about her parents nor had she talked about going home. She was an expressive kind of person, but there were some things that she didn't even bother talking about, and Vannessa felt like she wasn't in the right place to even ask about them.
Nginitian niya ito. "I'm sure you'll make it," she said.
"I should or else I'd be wasting my life again."
Vannessa didn't know what to reply to that.
-
Vannessa wouldn't deny, Jax's cuts and bruises bothered her. Nang nakita niya ang mukha nitong nadagdagan ng mga pasa ay hindi niya mawari ang nararamdaman.
There was a lingering feeling of fear in her system that was leaving a bitter taste on her tongue. She was scared, but she couldn't fathom whether she was scared for him or for herself.
Seeing the guy when she surely wasn't expecting him felt almost like a frightful experience as she stared at him, wide-eyed. "Why are you here?" she asked him.
Ngumiti nang tipid ang lalaki bago inakbayan si Lee na kaagad ding sumilay ang kilig sa mukha. "Isinama ko siya, girl, para we could know each other better naman," sagot ni Lee. Binigyan niya ito ng makabuluhang tingin.
Muli niyang naalala ang pag-uusap nila ni Lee sa pantry noong unang beses nagpakilala si Jax sa kanya. Hindi niya mapigilang makaramdam ng kahihiyan nang dahil dito.
Tanging tipid na ngiti ang ibinigay niya rito bago sila pumasok sa kotse. They were going to visit manufacturers to obtain sample fabrics that they would use in their designs. She kept in telling herself that Jax's presence wouldn't harm her.
She breathed deeply.
Nagkukuwentuhan lang sina Jax at Lee sa kotse habang si Vannessa naman ay tahimik lang na nakatingin sa labas ng bintana. They were talking as if they were long-life friends. She would converse with them from time to time just so they wouldn't think that she was trying to avoid talking.
Hindi niya alam pero ang dami niyang iniisip sa pagkakataong iyon.
"Van, girl." Kaagad nagtaas ang kanyang kilay tsaka nilingon si Lee.
"Okay ka lang ba?" tanong nito.
Vannessa pursed her lips before nodding.
"Ang tahimik mo kasi."
Ngumiti siya nang tipid sa naging komento nito. Ramdam niya ang tingin ni Jax sa kanyang likod, paniguradong hinihintay ang kanyang sasabihin. "Ay, required talaga akong mag-ingay?" natatawa niyang tanong dito.
Lee made face. "Oo, kasi nakakagulat kapag tahimik ka. Para kang nakakita ng demonyo."
"Baka anghel," aniya.
Natawa si Lee tsaka umiling-iling. "Girl, alam naman natin kung saan talaga ang iyong endgame, charing."
Kaagad niya itong sinamaan ng tingin. "Fuck you," she said before giggling.
VANNESSA AND JAX SAT SIDE BY SIDE on a bench outside the last manufacturer that they visited while Lee worked with the last details that they needed to call it a day.
Tahimik lang silang dalawa habang ramdam ni Vannessa ang presensya nito. Ramdam na ramdam.
She could feel her heart hammering against her chest as she thought about the things to say just so it wouldn't feel so awkward.
Just when she was about to open her mouth to say something, Jax said, "Alam kong hindi mo na siguro naaalala pero schoolmates tayo noon."
Vannessa pretended that she didn't know about that beforehand. Tinitigan niya ito nang ilang segundo bago nag-iwas ng tingin. "I just find it weird that I have no recognition for you at all."
"Hindi kasi ako significant," tugon nito. Hindi niya alam kung guni-guni lang ba niya pero may bahid ng lungkot ang boses nito sa sinabi. "Char lang."
She squinted her eyes before clearing her throat. "Pero nagka-interact na ba tayo before?" tanong niya rito.
Napatitig si Jax sa kanya nang ilang segundo at nakita niya ang kaonting pamumula ng tenga nito tsaka ito nag-iwas ng tingin. "Oo," sagot ng binata. "Sa school band audition. Sumali ako tapos judge ka n'on."
Vannessa remembered being a vocalist in their school band. Nagpapa-audition sila para mapalitan ang mga puwesto ng mga miyembrong grumadweyt na. When she judged an audition, it was for the slot of the vocalist, alongside with her.
"Oh, you sing pala?"
"Hindi, ah, wala akong talent diyan. Pasayawin mo na lang ako, huwag lang 'yan."
"Ah, marunong kang sumayaw?"
"Hindi rin."
Hindi niya napigilang matawa sa sinabi nito tsaka umiling-iling.
Jax chuckled as well upon seeing her reaction. "Kapag wala kang talent, pipiliin mo na lang talaga 'yong option na sa tingin mo'y mas hindi nakakahiya. Wala, eh. Hindi naambunan ng biyaya, eh," natatawang dagdag nito.
Nag-isip siya nang ilang segundo at kaagad nanlaki ang mga mata nang may naalala. Naririnig niya pa rin ang kumakantang boses nito sa kanyang tenga pero hindi niya kailanman inakalang si Jax iyon. Whenever she remembered that specific memory, she'd find a faceless guy. It seemed like she really did forget Jax at all.
She couldn't stop herself from grinning that was why Jax immediately pouted. "Grabe naman. Malapit na akong ma-offend, ha," pabirong tugon nito pero kalaunan ay natawa na rin.
Vannessa forced herself to stop laughing. "Bakit ka kasi nag-audition kung mas pipiliin mo lang din palang sumayaw?" tanong niya rito, nakangiti. "I really was forcing myself not to laugh at that time kasi I can't have you feeling bad pero nasa isip ko talaga kung bakit ka nandoon."
Nag-isip si Jax nang ilang segundo habang sinusundan ni Vannessa ng tingin ang binata. She couldn't explain it thoroughly, but he had a different aura compared to the models that she knew. Maybe it was because he was an indie model, and wasn't really that big of a model. He seemed more of a person that you could reach out to, unlike other models that were so out of reach.
He seemed like a person whose feet never left the ground.
The more she got to see his character, the more she felt awful for even thinking that he was like Brian. They were utterly different.
"Truth or dare, uso 'yon, eh. Na-dare akong mag-audition ng tropa," sagot nito before smiling as if remembering a good memory. "Pero kahit nakakahiya, worth it pa rin."
Itatanong niya sana rito kung paano nito nasabi nang sumulpot si Lee sa likod nila. "Okay na, guys.
Malisyoso ang tinging ipinukol nito sa kanya bago ito bumulong, "Nagkakamabutihan na kayo, 'no?"
Vannessa hissed before rolling her eyes. "Was just conversing," she defended.
Natawa si Lee sa naging reaksyon niya bago pinisil ang kanyang pisngi. "I know. Tinutukso lang kita."
Muling nag-abot ang mga tingin nila ni Jax at may sinserong ngiti ito. Nginitian din niya ito pabalik.
Vannessa told Jax in her mind that he looked like someone she knew.
She wondered if he knew about Jackson as well.
-
They were in a restaurant when Vannessa received a number of text from Venice that immediately made her eyebrows furrow.
'Call me.'
Kaagad siyang nakaramdam ng kaba nang maisip na baka alam na ni Venice ang nangyari sa Zambales. She had seen it coming, but never had expected that it would come too soon. Ni hindi pa niya naihanda ang sasabihin niya rito.
When Jax excused himself to go to the bathroom, she also excused herself to go out to take a call.
She could feel her heart as she dialed her sister's number.
Nang sinagot nito ang tawag ay kaagad itong nagtanong. "Why didn't you tell me?" Venice asked.
Vannessa pursed her lips before pacing back and forth. "Tell you what?"
I didn't tell you about the incident in Zambales because I didn't want you getting involved with my mess again—
"That you thought you saw that Jackson."
She felt a sudden jerk and a pang in her chest when she heard that. Hindi niya kailanman inasahang malalaman nito ang tungkol kay Jackson at hindi rin niya gustong malaman nito. Vannessa looked away, feeling the hammering in her chest. She bit her lip as her breathing became more and more ragged. Huminga siya nang malalim at pilit na pinakalma ang sarili. "I didn't think it was important to tell you," she said before swallowing the lump in her throat. Umuulit sa isipan niya ang sinabi nito at nang may napagtanto ay kaagad niyang binalingan ng tingin ang kapatid. "What do you mean I thought? I really saw him."
Kahit sa tawag ay nakikita niya sa kanyang isipan na magkasalubong na ang mga kilay ng kapatid. That was the thing about Venice. She was the younger one, but she acted like she was the opposite. Kaya minsan ay iniiwasan niyang sabihin na rito ang ibang mga bagay na kinahaharap niya.
"Kuya Greg told me, pati na rin doon sa nangyari sa Zambales. I can't believe you. You didn't even bother telling me. Don't you trust me?" There was a hint of disappointment trailing in her voice. Vannessa felt guilty after that. "And I hate to spill the beans for you, but who you think you saw that night at the bar wasn't Jackson. It was Jax Dela Fuerte. Remember the model you asked me to check on?"
Nang marinig iyon ay para siyang pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa. Naestatwa siya sa kanyang pwesto habang paulit-ulit sa kanyang utak ang sinabi ni Venice.
Her mind was trying to make sense of everything, trying to connect the dots. When she first saw the pixelated picture, she really was certain that it was Jack. Maybe because she was thinking that it should be Jack. She was really desperate to see him again so she saw him in someone else.
She breathed deeply.
Jax and Jack had an uncanny resemblance to each other.
Why wasn't she able to think of that sooner?
But if Jax knew all along that he was the one she met in the bar...
Why? Why didn't he tell me?
She didn't even notice how hard she was clenching her hands as she walked back inside the restaurant.