#HHFM Chapter 14:
Envelope
* * *
"Ano'ng ginagawa mo?" asked the man who was seated comfortably on my bed.
As much as I wanted to throw him out of the room, I knew that he wouldn't budge no matter how much I tried to kick him out. Masi-stress lang ako. My predicted due date is in less than two weeks, so I've been trying my best to stay away from anything or anyone that can stress me out.
"Looking for job openings," tipid kong sagot.
I already found a decent writing job opening. Medyo alanganin lang ako dahil kasama sa description na dapat, willing pumunta sa events para mag-publish ng live content. If ever I get hired, paano si Raiko?
Until now, Ryo and I still haven't made a concrete plan. Pero sa bagay, sa tingin ko, hindi kami makapagdedesisyon hangga't hindi nalalaman ng parents ko.
I heard him sigh, sounding so frustrated. I knew what he wanted to talk about, pero ayaw kong buksan ang topic na iyon lalo na't maiinis lang ako sa pag-uusapan.
Dual purpose ang pagbababad ko sa laptop ngayong umaga. First, to avoid looking at him and actually having a conversation with him. Second, I wanted to distract myself dahil kanina pa umuulit sa isip ko ang nabasa ko kanina.
Tita's in rage, obviously. Come to think of it, I only witness her lose her cool when it involves Ryo. Itong isa, sigurado akong problemadong-problemado na naman dahil galit sa kaniya ang nanay niya. If Tita's mad at him, damay na si Tito sa naiinis sa kaniya dahil napagbubuntunan din ito ng asawa kung minsan.
I pushed back my chair slightly and stretched my legs a bit. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Since the beginning, I didn't want to be involved in anything that had to do with him and Talie. Kung anumang drama iyon, totoo man o haka-haka, ayaw ko na lang talagang makisali. I shouldn't even be part of it anymore, since Ryo and I already broke up months ago Ang malas ko lang dahil kahit anong pilit kong umiwas, nadadamay ako.
I already knew that Talie coming here would fuel something big. Hindi ko alam kung kailan siya umalis o kung naabutan man siya ni Tita dahil wala ako sa posisyon para magtanong.
Simply because I just didn't want to talk about her. I don't even think of her. I don't even care about her anymore. Mas ayaw ko siyang makita. Lalo na sa personal. Tapos na ang mga araw na nahawaan yata ako ni Cali sa pagiging tsismosa at nag-e-effort pa akong sumilip sa social media accounts niya. What benefit would it give me stressing about someone irrelevant?
Sadyang hindi na lang din talaga ako updated kung gaano kaimportante si Talie para manmanan. How sure were they that Talie would go here? Mukhang handang-handa pa sila at magaganda ang shots. Malinaw ang mukha ni Talie, at obvious kung kaninong bahay ang pinuntahan. There's even a photo of them talking outside. Kahit na likuran lang ni Talie ang nakuha ng frame, halatang-halata kung sino ang nasa tapat niya.
I was very anxious looking for more photos linked to that article, sa takot na baka mayroong picture ko. Blurred man o hindi, ayaw kong magkaroon.
Fortunately, I didn't see anything, but I was sure that whoever took those photos already knew my name, where I work, my educational background, and how I look like. That's just how it works. I wouldn't even be surprised if they were able to trace where my family lives.
It still baffled me why I didn't have any photos posted on the Internet. Hindi naman sa gusto ko, sadyang nakapagtataka lang. I went out of the house without worrying about whoever might see me. I got inside Nate's car, kaya posibleng baka madawit na rin si Nate sa kuwento. If they had decided to follow where I would go, e di kasama na rin si Cali.
Mabuti na lang din at hindi mahilig sina Tatay sa ganoong klase ng balita. Dahil kung oo, at nalaman nilang si Ryo iyon, patay kami pagkauwi ko. Lalo lang magiging mahirap na makipag-usap at magkapaliwanagan nang maayos. Paniwalain pa naman si Tatay.
According to the article supporting the Valentine's day blind item, the model slash host went to the player's house to settle the issue and to check if the player's really keeping a pregnant woman under his roof and his influential, untouchable mother. Walang nabanggit kung paano umalis si Talie, but it was written that the model slash host went to a socialite's house, isa sa mga close friend niya.
Then, they apparently got wasted in an expensive club. I don't know who the socialite the article was referring to was, because I wasn't familiar with any of Talie's friends. Kahit noong college, hindi naman ako nag-abalang alamin ang pangalan ng mga nakakasama niya. Si Cali, nasa nature na yata niyang i-inform ako at ipagkalap ng impormasyon pero wala naman akong ma-recall sa mga nabanggit niya sa akin. Besides, kung kay Talie nga ay wala akong pakialam, sa mga kaibigan niya pa kaya?
"Frankie." I instantly felt tense the moment he called me. "Wala talaga 'yung kay Talie."
I betrayed myself and looked at him. Bagsak ang balikat niya habang nakatingin pabalik sa akin. His eyes looked glassy and pleading. I feel like if I were to ask him to kneel and apologize, susunod agad siya nang walang pag-aalinlangan.
I shook my head. I could keep on trying to remain unbothered with those articles. Galing lang naman iyon sa website na puro blind items, hindi sa verified news network. Kahit pa sabihing madalas ngang tama sila, alam ko naman ang totoo. I wasn't and won't be Ryo's one-time girl toy. Kung totoo nga ang parteng itinatago niya ako kay Talie dahil may namamagitan sa kanila, wala na akong pakialam doon. Gusto ko na lang maging tahimik.
"You don't have to lie to me," I told him and smiled a little.
If he were only doing this to make me feel better, then he should stop because I don't need any of it. Simple lang naman ang pakay ko kaya ako lumapit sa kaniya.
Noong naghiwalay kami, sabi niya, ayaw na niya akong makita kahit kailan. I could have done that, but I didn't want to deprive him of his rights as Raiko's father. Our breakup had a lot of loose ends, but I trusted and knew that he deserved to know.
I wouldn't mind if he wants to be with Talie, or even with other girls. I liked seeing him happy, so if that's what would bring him happiness, sino ako para tumutol?
His expression faltered. Hindi ko alam kung lalo siyang natunaw at nanghina o nanigas sa sinabi ko. His lips parted a little, and I patiently waited for him to say something.
He scoffed, looking away. He was chewing on his lower lip, and he looked like he was having a debate with himself on whatever it was that he was holding back. I sighed and was about to turn my chair to face my laptop again when he spoke.
"Hindi naman ako nagsisinungaling." Bahagyang nanginginig pa iyon.
I adjusted the pillow behind me. When I looked at him, wala nang bahid ng pag-aalinlangan sa mata niya. That's when I knew that I couldn't do anything to postpone this conversation.
Maybe I shouldn't have responded. If I remained silent, e di magsasawa rin siyang kumausap sa wala. Dapat pala, sinarili ko na lang talaga iyon para wala kaming pinag-uusapan ngayon. I was afraid to talk about it before, and I am more afraid now.
"Tangina, Frankie. Hanggang ngayon ba, hindi ka naniniwala?" hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong.
I hissed and glared at him. Now he's starting to bring this topic a little further. Mukha pa ring wala siyang balak umatras at magpatalo.
Why should my opinion matter to him, anyway? Hindi naman ako hahadlang sa kanila ni Talie. At wala rin naman siyang kailangang patunayan sa akin.
"It's been almost a year," I said, pertaining to our breakup. "It shouldn't matter if I believe you or not," I reminded him.
Hindi ganoon kakitid ang utak ko para ikulong o itali siya sa akin. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure we wouldn't have talked for the span of almost ten months. Not even once. Hinding-hindi niya rin ako makikita, though I would still see him everywhere with all the news and his endorsements.
Kaya walang kaso sa akin kung sakali mang maka-move on siya. That's normal after a breakup.
"Akala ko ba, aayusin natin?" he asked, almost choking on the last word.
I froze for a moment. His Adam's apple moved as he kept on swallowing. And sometimes, I wish that I didn't know him in detail. That I didn't know how he looks when he's in pain. That I didn't know when he's holding back his tears.
This is one of those times.
I took a deep breath and reached for my laptop. Isinara ko iyon at hindi na muna siya nilingon ulit. I hated seeing him like that. A memory plays in my head, and I didn't want to be a crying mess like him. His tears are contagious. At least for me.
Nasobrahan yata kami sa atras at masyado nang napalayo ang takbo ng usapan. This was supposed to be about that damn article and how he shouldn't worry about me because all of those didn't matter to me. Hindi ganitong mapapadpad kami sa usapang iyon. We avoided that for the months we had been living in the same house, so why now? What's the point?
"That was before we broke up," I reminded him.
I could still see him from the side of my eye but not enough to see his reaction.
"Before, Ryo," I added, emphasizing the first word. Pinilit kong matawa. "We shouldn't talk about this anymore," I tried to say with all my bravado, but my voice started to sound faint halfway through my sentence.
My fingers unconsciously traced my forehead, trying to shove any stray hair back, as my chest grew heavy. I didn't want to cry. Tapos na ako roon, matagal na. Sabi ko nga e sapat na ang isang araw.
I buried that scene on the back of my head, thinking that it wouldn't hurt the next time it would resurface, but I thought wrong. Siguro, hindi pa ito ang panahon para ungkatin iyon nang tuluyan na akong walang mararamdaman.
I was about to ask him to leave but he spoke, "Hanggang ngayon, naniniwala ka talagang may nangyari sa 'min ni Talie?" he asked in disbelief.
Tuluyan nang napadpad sa gawi niya ang tingin ko. Hindi ako nakasagot agad at nakita ko ang naging reaksiyon niya roon. He mouthed a few curse words before looking away. I couldn't quite figure out if he looked disappointed, o baka hindi lang talaga siya makapaniwala.
Maybe he assumed that my silence meant yes.
But my silence meant no.
I believe and trust him.
It's just that . . . it hurt.
Maybe a little too much because after that, we just could not make it work anymore.
So it had to end.
I cleared my throat. It felt like something was blocking my airways, and I knew that I had to assure him that all this time, I believed him. And he didn't have to worry about that anymore.
"I work in the media industry, Ryo. I know how the media plays," I told him, hoping that he would get my point. And I wasn't lying just to pacify him; that's the truth.
And truth be told, I wanted him to forgive himself. Mukhang sa mga nagdaang buwan, may pagdududa pa rin siya kung naniniwala ba ako sa kaniya o hindi. I did tell him before that I believed him, but then we broke up, so maybe that part didn't make sense.
My hand rested above my belly. I looked at him and I knew that he wasn't done yet.
What happens after this? Gusto niya ba talagang ungkatin namin iyon e ilang buwan na ang lumipas? Wala na rin namang magbabago.
But I kept in mind that maybe he needed this talk for his inner peace. This would definitely open up the wounds of our breakup, and I would possibly remember how it all felt—but I'm way stronger than Ryo. Mamaya ko na iisipin kung paano ko iyon kakayanin o kung paano ko ibabaon ulit ang lahat ng iyon.
Sa aming dalawa, ako ang may kayang gumawa n'on.
"Galit ka pa ba sa 'kin?" Mas buo na ang boses niya. His face remained straight, but he couldn't lie to me. Aside from the fact that I could still see through him, he couldn't hide the tears welling up in his eyes.
Napatagal yata ang tingin ko sa kaniya at nahawa ako. Ilang ulit akong lumunok habang sinusubukang hindi magaya sa kaniya. I reached for my tumbler and almost emptied it as I fought the urge to cry.
"You were with Talie on my birthday," I said and instantly regretted it, but I couldn't get myself to shut up now. "You made me wait, Ryo. You didn't show up. Tapos mababalitaan kong magkasama kayo sa hotel? Ano'ng gusto mo? Hindi ako magalit?"
My lower lip quivered. Himala pa rin kung paanong hindi pa bumubuhos ang luha ko. Unlike him whose tears are now rushing their way to slide off from his cheeks.
It took me a while to realize that I shouldn't have worded it out that way. I was about to tell him that I had already forgiven him for that, pero nagmamadali siyang umalis, at bago ko pa matawag ang pangalan niya, naisara na niya ang pinto.
Admittedly, I got mad at him for what happened. Getting angry was my initial reaction.
Inakala ko rin kasi na after college, magtatrabaho kaming pareho, makaiipon, magkakapamilya. Akala ko, ganoon lang kadali. Orion had always been the more positive one, and he had always sounded hopeful and cheerful about our future plans, kaya hindi ko maiwasang madala sa tuwa niya. But it didn't turn out as easy as we thought it would.
At one point, everything just started to feel suffocating. I was never the demanding and nagging girlfriend. But eventually, all the missed dinner dates, movie nights, breakfasts, and a lot more canceled plans started to get tiring to deal with. I didn't want to feel like I was demanding too much of his time. I didn't want him to feel like he had to choose between me and his career. His sometimes irrational jealousy when it comes to Nate would spark arguments where I would just completely blow off. Sometimes I would fail to notice the words I use and how they were too much sometimes. It started to get really rocky, but we both wanted to settle it by the end of the day.
We tried to work it out, thinking that it was just because we were still adjusting to the adulting setup.
Pero noong nangyari ang sa birthday ko, doon na talaga lumala. Siguro, gawa na rin ng bottled-up insecurities ko kay Talie kaya mas nahirapan kaming ayusin 'yon. Ilang taon akong nagpigil at pinilit ang sariling huwag magselos dahil alam ko namang hindi ako kayang lokohin ni Ryo.
And it just had to happen while Ryo and I were still desperately trying to patch things up. Para kaming pinaglalaruan ng kung sino.
We didn't break up just yet after that incident. Halos magkandalupasay sa sahig si Ryo sa pagmamakaawa sa akin noon. I tried my hardest to have a clear mind and assess what happened right after cooling down. A part of me had already expected that Talie and Ryo would definitely be under the same spotlight one day, pero nakagagalit pa rin pala talaga. Lalo na noong mga panahong iyon.
We still tried, but after that, nothing seemed to feel the same. Kahit hindi namin sabihin, parehas naming naramdamang may nagbago. At mukhang hindi na talaga maibabalik sa dati.
And I knew I had to breakup with him because we were both tired. We both needed the space to breathe.
I decided to stay in my room instead of going after him. As soon as I lay down on my bed, a tear finally rolled down to the side of my cheek. Pinalis ko iyon agad bago pa tumulo sa unan ko.
Mas pinili kong pumikit at subukang alisin sa isip ang mga nangyari noon. A few scenes remained vivid in my head, and the pain felt fresh as if it were just yesterday.
Itinulog ko na lang ang sakit.
* * *
When I woke up, it was almost time for lunch. Fortunately, hindi naman sumakit ang ulo ko pagkagising. Saglit akong naghilamos para magising nang bahagya pero hindi rin naman tumuloy sa planong bumaba para kumain. Sigurado akong kami lang ulit ni Ryo ang naiwan sa bahay. And honestly, I do not know how to face him after what happened this morning.
Gusto ko siyang kausapin at linawing ayos na sa akin ang lahat. And now I realized that we couldn't really go on avoiding this thing forever. Maybe even if Raiko didn't happen, one way or another, we had to talk and fix the loose ends of our breakup. As much as I tried to ignore and forget about it, alam ko rin naman sa sarili kong mahirap iyon at naapektuhan ako nang malala kahit nagpapanggap akong hindi. I had invested a lot of emotions in all of those four years, and I hoped that it would last. Mabigat dalhin ang panghihinayang. Even if I pretended that it was not there, I could still feel the weight of it sometimes. And I don't think the feeling's going to leave just yet.
Two soft knocks on my door pulled me out of my trance. Pagbukas ko roon, bumungad sa akin si Ryo na hindi nakatingin sa akin. He was holding a tray, trying to balance it on one hand. Nilawakan ko ang bukas sa pinto at pumasok siya para ilapag iyon sa table ko.
"'Wag ka nang bumaba, dadalhan ka na lang lagi ng pagkain dito," he told me, eyes still looking at everywhere but me.
Napalingon ako sa tray at napansing pandalawang tao iyon, but he's still not sitting.
Was he expecting me to eat all of those?
"Dito ka kakain?" I asked, trying to sound casual, dahil pakiramdam ko, ako ang magbubuhat ng usapang ito. Sa aming dalawa, ako talaga ang mas marunong magpanggap. I don't know if it's because of my work and the practiced attitude when it comes to interviews.
Ryo's just too transparent. Makikita agad kapag malungkot siya, kung kailan siya masaya, at halata kaagad kung galit o hindi komportable.
O baka ako lang ang nakakikita n'on.
Saglit niyang inangat ang tingin sa akin. His fingers played with the pad of sticky notes placed on my table, trying to distract himself or to make himself look less awkward. Nang mapansing pinanonood ko siya, mabilis din niyang inalis ang mata sa akin.
"Okay lang?"
"Of course."
That seemed like the go signal he was waiting for before he sat on the smaller stool beside my table. Itinabi ko muna ang mga gamit na nakapatong sa mesa bago ako umupo sa puwesto ko. He still looked uneasy. His shoulders seemed too stiff and tensed.
"Hindi na ba 'ko laging bababa? Even for dinner?" I tried to strike a conversation. Tumango lang siya at hindi pa rin ako tiningnan. "Ikaw ba lagi ang magdadala? You're going to eat here, then?"
He stopped chewing and slowly looked at me. I raised both brows at him and he averted his gaze. He swallowed and took a pause before responding.
"Gusto mo ba?" tanong niya kasabay ng nangangapang tingin sa akin.
"Kung gusto mo."
Ilang beses siyang kumurap at nagtagal ang tingin sa akin. I ended up being the first one to break the eye contact to eat.
We stayed silent while eating. Gusto ko nga siyang sabihan na kumuha ng ibang upuan dahil nagmumukhang pinipilit niyang isiksik ang sarili roon sa maliit na upuang gamit niya. Makailang beses din kaming nagkakatinginan pero wala namang nagsasalita.
He left, bringing his used plate with him, as soon as he was done eating. Habang ako e hindi pa tapos kumain. I thought he was never going to show up again but he was back inside my room after a few minutes. He placed a huge bowl of mixed fruits in front of me without saying a word.
Akala ko, aalis na ulit siya pero umupo ulit siya roon sa puwesto niya kanina. He even reached for the remote control and turned the TV on, so I guess he would wait until I'm done with my lunch.
"Frankie," tawag niya sa akin pagkatapos ko. Nilingon ko siya at parang alam ko na ang ipinahihiwatig ng mga ganiyang tinginan niya. I shook my head and slid the bowl towards him.
"Eat this with me, 'di ko 'to mauubos," I told him. His lips twisted but he did pick a slice of apple.
The silence between us even prolonged. Hindi ko alam kung nanonood talaga siya ng TV dahil doon nga nakatingin ang mga mata niya pero parang masyadong malalim ang iniisip niya. I didn't want to ask so I picked my phone up to check my emails. The most recent one was from Nate who sent me files to review—my last assignments before I take my maternity leave.
Napaisip tuloy ako. Even after the breakup, ramdam ko pa rin ang kaayawan ni Ryo sa kaniya. I wonder if it had something to do with it.
After what happened on my birthday, when things started to really go downhill, I was already losing hope. Napabuntonghininga na lang ako nang maalala ang ginawa ko noon.
Now that I have thought about it, I feel like I owe Ryo an apology, too. Wala naman talaga akong masamang balak noon pero siguro, ang sakit din sa kaniya na kay Nate ako pumunta noong may problema kami. I was too busy thinking of my feelings and what Talie and him could have possibly done inside that hotel room—maybe I have failed to listen to his side of the story and to see the look on his face when Nate dropped me off at the apartment while he was waiting for me.
Napahilot ako sa sentido. Fine, maybe I wanted to get back at him because I thought seeing him jealous would make me feel a tad better. Kung bakit ganoon ako ka-clouded mag-isip, ewan ko na rin. Iba talaga ang naging epekto ng nangyari noong birthday ko. Feeling ko tuloy, mabuti na rin iyong nag-break kami at napag-isip-isip ko ang lahat ng iyon.
"Frankie, sorry," I heard him say. Ngayon ko lang napansin na kanina pa sa kamay ko ang isang slice ng apple pero hindi ko pa pala nakakagatan dahil sa lalim ng iniisip ko.
"Shut up, I'm eating," I told him because I knew what he was about to say.
"Akala ko, nakabawi na ako sa 'yo no'ng mga nakaraang buwan. Sorry, hanggang ngayon dinadala mo pa rin pala 'yung nagawa ko," pagpapatuloy niya kahit na sinabi kong manahimik siya.
I opened my desk's cabinet and hurriedly searched for my earphones, na kung kailan ko talaga kailangan, saka hindi magpapakita.
And I thought I was ready to talk about closure . . . parang hindi pa pala. I wanted to cover my ears. Hindi ko gusto ang tono niya.
He sounded like he finally wanted to tie our loose ends up. I thought I wanted that but what would that mean?
That it's completely over?
At this point, I'm not sure what I actually want anymore.
"Babawi na lang ako sa 'yo sa birthday mo ngayon. Malapit na rin naman 'yon. Magkikita pa naman tayo gawa ng bata. Two months na si Raiko no'n, 'di ba?" Hindi nakatakas sa tainga ko ang pagkabasag ng kaniyang boses.
My heart clenched painfully. He successfully opened up all the wounds I tried to forget. The pain of our breakup months ago was registering just now.
"Kasi kahit naman naniniwala ka na sa 'kin na si Talie lang ang nagdala sa 'kin do'n at wala akong alam, nangyari na 'yon lahat e. Nasaktan na kita."
I gave up on searching for something to cover my ears with. "Can we stop talking about this? It's stressing me," I managed to speak even with the sides of my eyes were heating up.
Natahimik kami. Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na paurungin ang luha. Nang magawa iyon ay saka ko lang siya tiningnan. His lower lip was visibly quivering, and I was sure that if he blinked, his tears would spill. Pilit siyang ngumiti bago umiwas ng tingin.
"Sorry," he whispered before standing. Kinuha niya ang tubigan kong nananahimik sa isang sulok. "'Kuha lang kita ng tubig."
I took a series of deep breaths the moment he was out of my room. Natagalan bago siya bumalik sa kuwarto ko, na akala ko nga ay hindi na niya gagawin. He placed my tumbler on my table.
When I craned my neck up to look at him, what I noticed first was his puffy eyes and reddish nose. Lalo lang yatang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko dahil sigurado akong kagagaling lang niya sa pag-iyak. Siguradong iyon ang dahilan kung bakit siya natagalan.
He didn't say anything. He just picked the plates up and left.
* * *
Hindi ako mapakali. Mali nga siguro ako noong inisip ko na kapag hindi ko pinansin, makalilimutan ko na lang din. That worked for a short time since I was also busy with work, pero ngayong halos wala na akong ginagawa, hindi na gumagana iyon.
I know I said that I'm a lot emotionally stronger than Ryo, pero parang gusto ko na iyong bawiin. Ang laki ng diperensiya namin pagdating sa tapang dahil kumpara sa kaniya, duwag ako.
Kung bakit ba lagi kong pinatatagal itong closure namin, hindi ko rin alam. Maybe it was because up until now, I still haven't completely processed the pain of our breakup, dahil nga lagi ko iyong isinasantabi. Sabi ko nga noon sa sarili ko, tuloy ang ikot ng mundo kahit mag-break kami ni Ryo. I believed that there were far more important things to put my attention on, and crying about it would do me no good. I was so wrong on that one.
Do I still have feelings for him?
It's hard to tell.
Before I became his girlfriend, I didn't have to question my feelings. When we finally arrived at that moment, I just knew that I love him. I didn't need to write down reasons. I just knew that it's him whom I wanted to be with.
Noong tinanong niya ako kung mahal ko na ba siya, walang pag-aalinlanagan ang pag-oo ko.
A closure would only mean that I would need to wrap things up. And I was not sure if I was ready for that. It meant dealing with the feelings I bottled up and buried, and accepting the fact that he wouldn't be with me for the rest of my life, contrary to what I had in mind four years ago.
But it seemed like it would be unfair of me to not give him the closure he deserves. Ilang buwan niya ring inisip kung nagdududa pa ba ako, kung napatawad ko na ba siya. It was not his fault that I refused to deal with my feelings, and so was not if I'm hurting a lot more now.
I found myself standing up, leaving my room, and searching for him.
I didn't want to go downstairs. Inuna kong pumunta sa dulo ng hall para silipin sa bintana kung nasa labas ba siya. The only person I spotted was one of their househelps who was maintaining the garden.
I had no choice but to go to his room. Ilang beses akong kumatok at tumawag sa kaniya—kahit na walang kasiguraduhan kung paano ako magsisimula at kung ano ang sasabihin ko—pero walang tumutugon. Pinihit ko ang doorknob at hindi iyon naka-lock. Idinungaw ko lang ang ulo ko sa siwang. I didn't hear any running water from his bathroom pero wala rin siya sa kama. Maybe he's downstairs.
I was about to close the door when an envelope on his bedside table caught my attention. Hindi ko ugali ang makialam ng gamit ng kung sino-sino, pero hindi ko mapigilang hayaan ang sariling pumasok sa kuwarto niya dahil nabasa ko ang pangalan ko. It was printed on bold letters at the back of the envelope.
FILE - Franceska Isabel Castañares.
Below was Ryo's complete name and address. Tumaas ang isa kong kilay roon. It didn't look like it came from the hospital where we go for regular checkups; may logo kasi iyon sa gilid. I debated on whether to look on its contents or not, dahil base sa marka ng adhesive ay nabuksan na ito ni Ryo. A bad feeling was already brewing in my gut, but my curiosity won.
Parang tumigil yata ang mundo ko nang makita ang laman n'on. My eyes widened upon seeing photographs na sigurado akong kinuha nang wala akong kaalam-alam. It was around fifteen photos, all taken a few days after my birthday, before Ryo and I broke up. Lahat yata ng anggulo, mayroon. At hindi ko puwedeng itanggi na ako nga iyon dahil sobrang obvious at linaw naman! Sa gilid e mayroon pang oras at araw kung kailan iyon kinuha. Mula sa pagpasok ko sa bahay ni Nate, hanggang sa paglabas namin para ihatid niya ako pauwi, kompleto.
Agad kong dinampot ang papel na kasama n'on. Lalo lang tumindi ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko nang simulan ko iyong basahin. I fought the urge to not rip the paper in half while reading. I needed to finish the article which was another follow up for the stupid blind item they posted about Ryo and I last Valentine's.
Naituon ko ang isang kamay sa mesa dahil parang mawawalan yata ako ng balanse. Nanghina ako pagkatapos basahin ang kabuoan, na sa tingin ko, wala pa nga yatang limandaang salita. The paper already had slight creases before I got my hands on it, so I was positive that Ryo had already read this. At bukas na nga ang envelope bago ko pa makita, so he probably saw the photos, too.
I told myself to collect all the pictures and shove it back inside the envelope but I couldn't get myself to move. The possibility of Ryo believing whatever the anonymous writer said made my blood drop. Palala nang palala ang bansag sa akin ngayon. If the first article called me his one night stand, now they're calling me a gold digger, all because I was seen with Nate. The ending got me speechless. Inaakusahan na akong nagpapaako lang ng anak kay Ryo dahil kumpara kay Nate, di-hamak na mas mapera siya at mas may mapapala ako.
Long story short, they believe that the child I'm bearing isn't Ryo's son.
It was so fucked up that it got me speechless. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang unang iisipin. Kahit naman sabihin ko kay Ryo na walang nangyaring kahit ano, the pictures were solid evidences enough to cause doubt.
Was this how he felt when I got mad over his picture with Talie?
"Frankie. . . ."
Napalingon ako sa kaniya na hindi ko man lang namalayang pumasok. Agad na bumaba ang tingin niya hawak kong papel at sa mga larawang nakakalat sa mesa. He quickly crossed the distance between us bago nagmamadaling nilikom ang lahat ng kinalat ko.
"You believe this . . . " I assumed. If this ever happened to me, iyong ako ang makatanggap ng ganitong mga ebidensiya, paniguradong magdududa rin ako. Lalo na kung nangyari pa ito noong mga panahong napapadalas na ang away namin. That already happened when there was a number of evidence of him and Talie at a hotel's parking lot.
Fine, I wouldn't believe this in an instant! Dahil alam ko namang nasa spotlight ang dalawa at lagi na lang ipinagpipilitan sa isa't isa. But definitely, I would be disappointed . . . then I would start to doubt him.
Siguro ganoon din siya sa akin ngayon. Maybe he wanted the closure now because he found out about this! Maybe he was just waiting for me to give birth, and he's only sheltering me because there's only a few days left before my due date. Siguro, sa isip niya, kaya niya pang magtiis nang ilang araw. At ano ba naman ang ginagastos o nagastos nila sa akin kundi barya lang?
I don't know! Siguro paraan niya ito para makabawi roon sa nangyari sa amin dati. He's only doing this so that he could get rid of the guilt.
His jaw tightened. "Hindi. Sit down, don't let your hormones get to you."
"Stop lying to me!" I shouted. The tears followed suit, and they came nonstop.
He snatched the paper I was holding and crumpled it before shoving it in the envelope along with the pictures.
"Frankie, hindi nga," mariin niyang sabi. He shuffled through the envelope's contents and got the pictures out. Isa-isa niya iyong pinunit at kita ko ang panggigigil niya roon.
"But you're doubting me now, aren't you?!" Nanlalabo na ang paningin ko sa luha, but I could still see how angry he was. "Iniisip mo na rin na baka nga hindi mo anak 'to? You don't have to lie to me, Ryo! I know how that felt—"
He shut his eyes tight as if he was extremely frustrated. "Kahit hindi akin 'yan, kung sa 'kin mo gustong ipaako, okay lang." His voice resonated in his room.
I could feel him trying to get a hold of his temper, and how he didn't want to raise his voice. This was how he sounded whenever we would have a fight before.
I shook my head. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and I flinched when he threw the envelope on the trash bin under his desk. Sa sobrang lakas ng pagkakabato niya roon ay lumikha iyon ng ingay at natumba pa ang metal bin.
"I don't believe you," I told him. Why was it so hard for him to tell me the truth?
I know how happy he was that he would be a father, pero ngayong nalaman niyang posibleng hindi pala siya ang ama, panigurado akong galit siya. Galit nga siya talaga dapat! Sino ba'ng hindi magagalit?
"Tangina, sinabi ko nang hindi. Ano pa ba'ng hindi mo maintindihan, Frankie?"
"Nagalit ako sa 'yo no'ng nalaman ko 'yung kay Talie! Imposibleng hindi ka galit ngayon!""
"Magkaiba naman 'yon ng sitwasyon, Frankie. Natural na magalit ka kasi ang sama ng timing. Bakit ba gusto mo 'kong magalit sa 'yo?"
He scoffed at my lack of response. I had a lot more to say but it was already hard to breathe while crying. I tried to wipe my cheeks with the back of hands. It was useless because my tears seemed endless.
"Frankie," tawag niya, mas marahan ngayon.
My heart ached at the way he called me. Thinking that it might be the last time I would hear the tenderness in his voice whenever he calls my name made my ribs hurt. "It's really okay if you're mad—"
"Mahal pa rin kita."