After a horrendous, silent ride, Jake and I arrived home to a surprise. And not a good one. "What is that?" I murmured and pressed my nose to the chill of the window.
We leaned over and peered out the windshield at a tow truck backing out of our driveway. Mom and Dad stood on the sidewalk. With his arm slung around her shoulders, he beamed and waved goodbye to the tow truck driver. Mom shook her head with furrowed eyebrows, arms crossed, and her mouth pulled so tight that her lipstick disappeared.
Jake snorted at the pile of rusted metal sitting where his car usually parked. "I think it used to be a car?"
"Or the biggest, rustiest, ugliest garden gnome in the neighborhood." I snickered.
He gave me an unimpressed look. "Guess I'm parking in the street now."
Our doors were an inch open when Dad's voice burst with excitement, "Jake! Ellie! Come see the newest addition to the family!"
"What is it?" I stared at the frame of a car, but it had no windows, doors, or tires. The hunk of metal sat on four cement cinder blocks and wore a color best described as rust. Why was it here? Was Dad having a midlife crisis?
"Jake!" Dad exclaimed and bounced on his feet. "I got us a project car."
"A what?" I shifted my gaze from Dad's heap of yard art junk to Jake's frozen face. A few flickers of dread appeared in his eyes. Good. If his hands were busy working on a car, he would have less opportunity to punch people with them. This wasn't a weekend project.
"Your father got a project car." Mom's dry, monotone voice made me giggle. The corners of her mouth tugged down, and her eyes met mine.
"But you sell cars for a living, not work on them." I stared at Dad. "How did you get it?"
"A customer brought it in for a trade-in." He beamed like we had a new brother or sister. "The dealership couldn't take it, but the customer left it behind on the lot."
"Can't imagine why." My suppressed giggle at the annoyance written all over Mom's face made my shoulders twitch. Her eyebrows squeezed together, and her mouth alternated between a scowl and pressed into a firm line.
"With all your school events, Ellie." Dad tried to blame this recent surprise splurge on me. "We could use another family car."
Woah, wait a minute. That junk heap was for me!? I needed a car, and a used one was fine, but not this. I nudged Jake with my elbow. "Do you know how to build a car from, umm, this?"
"Not that much of one." Two years of auto shop at school and a knack for cars weren't enough to salvage this project. He closed his eyes, threaded a hand through his hair, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Or little, technically."
A smile tugged at my lips. The urge to burst out laughing pitched my shoulders. Instead, I strangled a snort. "Can you sell it for scrap?"
"That's an improvement at this stage," he mumbled. "There's probably squirrels living under the hood."
"Right. So, good luck with... this." I slapped a palm on his arm and walked across the yard. "Guess we know what you're doing until we graduate."
"Can't wait." His grumbles widened my smile. This was priceless. Fucking priceless. I couldn't have written a -
"You're helping too, Ellie!" Dad called.
Hard pass.
The only help I had involved a sledgehammer and smaller pieces of metal. "Too bad," I said with false disappointment over my shoulder. "I already have a job. But Jake's free on Saturdays now that you won't let him go to parties." Hopefully, he wouldn't want to attend anymore after I talked to him, but the annoyance on Jake's face begged to be teased.
Dad grinned. "It'll end up being yours when we're done!"
I stopped in my tracks at his confident tone. Nope. Nope. Absolutely nope. Not that I cared what a car looked like, but I didn't trust that it wasn't an unreliable deathtrap. Jake and Dad probably wouldn't finish before I graduated college, but I locked eyes with Mom. "Mom."
"I can't." She sighed and linked elbows with me. "I can't on this one. He called me after the tow truck had picked it up. He's too excited."
"Mom," a whine slipped into my voice. "There's no way that would be a dependable car."
"Trust me." Her arm squeezed my elbow. "It'll lose its appeal in a month. Now, I need to call the HOA since I can't imagine they'll be thrilled with this."
She was right. The Homeowners Association was not on board with Dad's 'new addition' propped up on cement cinder blocks for the neighborhood's enjoyment. They gave him a day to move it into the garage, so Jake texted the offensive line to come over, and they carried it. Mom and I hoped they dropped and rendered the whole thing unrepairable, but they didn't. I went inside when Dad and Mom 'discussed' how he had to clean out and remove enough of his old junk so Jake could maneuver around the garage.
Dad's attempts to keep Jake at home more hadn't gone unnoticed by their golden boy. "Unbelievable," he groaned from my door, where he leaned on the frame with crossed arms.
Why was he standing there unfazed? Did he think I hadn't forgotten his fist in Logan's face? "Move," I mumbled, brushed past him, and stomped into the bathroom.
"Ellie-" I cut him off with a slam of the door and a huff. With my fists at my sides, I exhaled at the red, flustered version of my face glaring at me in the mirror.
Anger chewed at me from the inside like acid while I showered and finished my homework. I reached over and grabbed my phone. Hopefully, this wasn't overstepping.
Me: Sorry for my brother's existence.
L: Are you worried about me baby?
"I didn't even get to ask, you stinker." I smiled at my phone and typed yes, but he beat me.
L: My handsome face appreciates the concern, but don't apologize for Jake.
I set down my phone with a sigh. Logan was right. Jake needed to own up to his asshattery behavior. Not speaking to Jake would prevent me from sleeping, so I sat with the corners of my mouth pinched into my cheeks. He needed to know how much I disapproved of his anger clouding his judgment. Why had he stupidly punched Logan before asking why he was there? I knocked on his door before I could second-guess it. "Are you calm enough to talk sensibly? And decently dressed?"
"Come in." Jake lay on his bed, shirtless so I picked up a nearby shirt and chucked it at his head. He slipped it on with a grin and reclined with his hands cupped behind his head, but his eyes darkened at my locked legs and hands squeezing my elbows. "Shit, Ellie, again with the silent treatment? Is this about earlier? Sorry for losing my cool. Are you okay?"
I glued my shoulder to the door frame. "Physically? Yes. The rest of me? No. You shouldn't have hit Logan today."
"He's an asshole." Jake shrugged as if those three words were a sufficient explanation. It wasn't because I was in the asshole's room. "He had no business being there."
I narrowed my eyes until his casual, nonchalant demeanor blurred. "From my perspective, you looked like the bigger asshole today."
"I told you, Ellie." A frown darkened his expression. "Stay away from that tool. I'm still not convinced that he's causing your nightmares."
His disillusion was ridiculous. Beating my head on a brick wall over Logan was more productive on that subject, but I couldn't wait until after his game on Friday. "If you're going to bring those up. I need you to listen."
His gaze went over my shoulder to the hallway, probably a parental check. "You want to talk in my room? It's clean. You know I don't bring girls back here."
A girl here would be an improvement. I skimmed my eyes over the dirty laundry piles and wrinkled my nose at the acrid smell of grime and sweat they emitted. "Not with all those bikini posters and me never seeing you wash your sheets."
"Ellie, I save that for the shower." My smirk dissolved, and he chuckled. "If I'm ever rubbing one out in my room, then I'll put a sock on the door handle"
Beyond gross. That reveal I could've lived without knowing. Mental note: bleach our shower floor and my feet after this conversation ended. "That's disgusting. Did you try again with Chloe?"
"No." He gave his hair a frantic hand rake. "But I will after Friday's game."
"So cliché." I shook my head in mock disapproval. Jake's neanderthal impression had his work cut out for himself.
"You're so judgmental, Ellie. What do you want?"
"I went to my last school event last night." I tucked my chin to my chest. His silence lifted my eyes to his blank stare. "I went to a support group meeting at a women's center charity."
"I have no idea what that means."
Points for honesty. I swallowed the dryness in my throat. "It was for sexual assault victims."
"Ellie." He sat upright with a jolt like he'd been electrocuted, dropping his hands to his lap. "Why the fuck did you do that?"
I went with the honest, direct answer, "I was supposed to babysit in the nursery. After talking with the counselor, she thought it would be better for me to sit in on the group therapy session."
"Group therapy?" Jake mumbled as both his hands raked through his hair. "Shit, Ellie. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted to deal with it myself." I dropped my voice and my gaze to my feet. "Plus, it was talking about feelings and stuff. Those unfamiliar things you're immune to. Visitors weren't allowed."
"I could've still come with you, waited outside, something," Jake mumbled and swung his long legs out of bed. His feet planted to the floor with a heavy thud. "Did you speak up?"
A surge of pride swelled up in me, and I nodded. "I did. The reaction was unbelievable, and I'm so glad I went."
"You spoke up," he whispered and widened his eyes. "Alone? Fuck, Ellie, that's a lot to face alone."
It was, and while I should have felt some flickers of empowerment from that admission, the swelling relief of anonymity doused them. No one directly in my life knew why I went to Mary's House. "But I did, Jake." My chest puffed up with warmth. "And it removed such a big weight I didn't know I was carrying."
Were my physical changes from opening up about what happened, the assurance of not being alone in my sense of feeling damaged, or the relief from knowing I wasn't the only one who felt so many complicated emotions? I wasn't sure, but their combined effect was immeasurable. A silent tension no longer pressed on me, lightening my limbs and relieving mild headaches. Attending one therapy session was such a small act, and I needed a lot more sessions and maybe a one-on-one with Mary to reach a full resolution of my nightmares, but I had options. I could confront anything or anyone, including my oppressively angry brother.
Within three steps, Jake stood at arm's length and covered my hands with his. His dark eyes filled with so much intensity, I dipped my chin to my chest. My pain was his pain. "Ellie, I can't take back the fact that I did nothing that night." His tone became soaked with guilt, and a storm swirled in his eyes. Both stabbed pain into my chest. "If you need something, then-"
"I need you to listen." I rolled my wrists and squeezed his hands. "Please."
After he nodded, I took a slow, deep breath. My heart pounded hard enough that the beats overwhelmed my ears. "The therapy session helped me learn why I'm having nightmares again. They have nothing to do with Logan. I've had four, and the timing is off for him to trigger them."
"Four!?" Jake's eyes widened, and his hands tensed into fists. "Shit, Ellie, I didn't know."
"I didn't tell you," I mumbled, and wet my dry lips. Warmth flooded my cheeks, but I focused on his eyes for him to know I was serious. "I was embarrassed and confused. They changed. One was the night before we went to the beach, another after I picked you up from the bathtub, the third when I fell asleep in the car before your and Chloe's date, and the fourth the day of the blood drive."
With a slow breath, I held back who my sleeping pillow was at the blood drive. Probably best Jake didn't know Logan pancaked me either. But, lined up in succession, my nightmares occurred twelve to eighteen hours after exposure to a party house. It was a hypothesis, a guess but an educated guess, and one I was willing to test out.
"Ellie." His jaw clenched, and his fingers tensed over mine. "That doesn't make any sense."
He dropped my hands and paced with heavy, loud stomps alongside his bed. "You're sure it's not Hightower harassing you? I'm happy to send another message to leave you alone."
Fuck, how had he gotten that message from what I said? I fought an urge to punch him or go for a double-nipple twist. "No."
"Is it Kieran? Me?" He groaned and grabbed his hair. Dark locks curled over his knuckles. He kept his eyes down and spoke more to himself than me, "I don't get it."
"No." I caught his arm and tugged until he stopped. "Jake, it's our agreement."
"What?" He frowned at me like I was crazy. "What agreement?"
"Picking you up overnight." I maintained my quiet, serious voice and my grip on his forearm. "Going into party houses, looking for you, weaving around drunk and stoned people, smelling drunk and stoned people, searching through bedrooms, all of it." Tears filled my eyes, blurring the concerned frustration in his. "Being in party houses reminds me of what happened and triggers the nightmares."
Jake's lips parted but his gaze went blank. He had no idea what I meant. Maybe I should've used sock puppets. "It makes sense." I blinked to hold back my tears. "All of them were the night of being at a party to get you."
"Are you saying it's my fault!?" An edge of panic slipped into his voice and his mouth tightened into a grimace. "You're having nightmares because of me?"
"No, dummy." I rolled my eyes and released his hand. "Not you personally. It's from you making me go into party houses to pick up your drunk ass. The houses are triggers."
He shrugged nonchalantly. "Then don't go in them."
Huh? How was he so casual? I, on the other hand, almost choked on my next breath. Just like that? No questions or resistance? My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened until they strained at the corners. "Are you - I mean, is that... An option?"
Jake took my hands, but this time squeezed and dropped them. My shoulders, arms, and spine stiffened when his arms wrapped around me. I inhaled a sharp breath of what was a not-clean shirt I'd thrown at him. His warm, larger frame trembled around me, bringing my hands up to his lower back. I turned my head and gasped so he didn't suffocate me.
"Ellie," he whispered and fanned a few warm breaths over my shoulder. "Of course, it's an option. I'm so fucking relieved you know why. It was eating me up inside. Fuck, I feel like an asshole. I had no idea."
My mouth dropped. He was a pissy jerk because of me? I thought it was Chloe or Logan. My being the source was a surprise, but his concern for me didn't give him an excuse for such unhinged behavior. I exhaled with a soft snort. Letting him drive home drunk wasn't an option though.
"I shouldn't be drinking anyways," he grumbled. "I feel like shit. And you saw Dad's Saturday night project. My ass isn't going anywhere but the garage."
"Every Saturday for the rest of your life," I joked and squeezed him extra tight. His words filled me with relief. As much of an asshole Jake was, he cared about my well-being. Maybe the helplessness triggered him too. "Are you sure you can quit?"
"Give me a little credit." He scoffed. "If it's doing what you say it is, then yeah. I'll quit."
My instincts were skeptical, but I smiled. "You have been a bit of an asshole lately. Maybe it's better that you sober up, focusing on something other than punching innocent apologizers."
"I'm sorry." He broke apart our hug. "I've been too easily unhinged. It's this week's game. Salesian is our biggest rival, and the USC scouts are coming. It's my chance, Ellie. What I've been working for my whole life. My dream is right there, so close that I can almost taste it."
"I know." I smiled at the passion in his voice, along with a rare flash of uncertainty in his eyes. "I'll be there, cheering you on."
The corners of Jake's mouth curled up but his smile didn't go higher than his mouth. "Thanks, Ellie."
"Can I ask you one thing?" I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows. "Why do you hate Logan Hightower?" Logan wasn't sure why he and Jake were rivals. I could understand his initial awful behavior, but he'd come pretty damn far from the jerk who thought I would've been impressed with his cocky asshattery.
Jake's eyes turned dark again and his face hardened. "He's an absolute tool off the field. The shit game his team plays with girls is why she didn't want to see me anymore. You're too good for that, Ellie. Thank fuck you came to your senses and blocked his pathetic ass."
"Oh, so it has nothing to do with football." The truth I withheld from Jake choked my throat shut. "And here I thought it was because he was the only one whose quarterback stats are better."
"You want to hear that he's the one guy who stands between me and USC?" His quiet admission came with a murderous glare in his eyes. "Yeah, but it's not only that. They play with girls, stalk them, sleep with them, then toss them out like trash, Ellie. And pass nudes between them like it's a fucking joke."
My tongue dried along with the rest of the inside of my mouth at his words. Right when my lips parted with a reminder that his team wasn't entirely innocent, he gave me a warning look. "Sure, we joke around and shit-talk in the locker room, but every guy knows I'll beat his ass if he doesn't get consent from a girl. And we don't share bragging evidence of it between each other."
Jake was right. His body language, actions, and words screamed total player, but he hadn't been with any girl who didn't also want to be in that situation. And, from that description, Logan sounded horrible. But it wasn't the whole picture.
"Like I said." He tapped the tip of my nose. "You're way too good for him, Ellie. I hope to never see him share your airspace again."
Oh boy. I forced a shaky smile. "Not to get all psychoanalytical on you, but I think the only one standing between you and USC is you. Mom, Dad, and I believe in you, Jake. The team believes in you, the whole school, and all of Santa Cruz do too. I know, I served them shitty pizza this week, thanks to you."
For the first time, his shoulders slumped and doubt lingered in his eyes. The most important goal in his life, his childhood dream, was right within his grasp. In addition to the weight of Santa Cruz's football program to perform as repeat state champions, Jake inflicted additional pressure to secure a place on USC's football team. While no part of me approved of his behavior this year, I understood his tension. Even if I thought it was displaced, I wasn't perfect in how I reacted to stress. Ostrich-head burying wasn't the correct approach to addressing my past issues.
"Don't ask me to win the coin toss," I mumbled and gasped at my reminder. The coin toss. Friday. This Friday. Me. On the field. Between the team captains. Oh, fuck.
"Don't worry." Jake's smile blurred from the sway in my knees. "I'll be right there."