The morning after Nate's graduation, I woke up in the treehouse under the old, familiar blankets. I stared at the carved initials on the ceiling and focused on the new addition, "FOREVER." Nate's arms were wrapped around my naked body as the sun tried to shine through the doorway.
I realized we had slept there all night.
Nate's eyes were still closed as he lay next to me looking so perfect.
I slowly placed my hand on his face, touching his cheek with my finger to double check this was all still real and not a dream. He moved his head slightly and then opened his eyes. His smile was wide and infectious, with his dimple being the cherry on top.
"Good morning, Nick."
Time seemed to standstill.
This seemed like the perfect moment to finally express my inner, most personal feelings to Nate. Whatever happened in the past didn't matter, I was living in the present.
"I need to tell you something," I nervously said.
He looked at me and told me to, "spill it," in a cute, playful manner as he rolled on his side to give me his full attention.
"I love you, too," I blurted out, finally opening my whole heart up to him.
"I was waiting for you to say that."
His face was sweet and joyful as he leaned in to kiss me.
After exploring one another for the second time, we collected our clothes and walked quietly down the ladder, hoping not to wake up his parents or Jenna.
He walked me across the street for the last time. We would no longer be neighbors after that day. We stood in my driveway, holding hands, not able to look anywhere but at one another.
"What do we do now?" I asked with some hesitation, anticipating what his answer would be.
"I still can't believe you're moving," he said disappointed.
"That doesn't answer my question," I said confused, like he was sidestepping the important matter in front of him, meaning us.
"I don't want to ever lose you again," he declared without any reservations.
"I don't either."
"This summer I can come visit you in Nashville as much as I can. In the fall, I'll be at UNC," he paused to sort his thoughts out then continued, "Long distance can work. We can make all of this work," he said convincingly.
"It's too good to be true," I shook my head with second thoughts about his intentions.
"Last night was the best night of my life," he admitted.
"Me too," I softly replied, "I just worry that..."
Nate interrupted me and shook his head emphatically.
"I promise you I will never let you down again," he said gazing into my eyes.
He practically placed a spell on me.
He moved in closer and tenderly kissed me. Then, he affectionately wrapped his long arms around me. His embrace melted my heart.
"I'll give you a call later," he said after the hug.
I simply nodded my head, and watched as he reluctantly walked back across the street to his house.
He periodically glanced back at me, displaying a huge grin, which in turn, made me optimistic for our future.
We were about to embark on a new adventure, "Nate and Nick, 2.0."
That was then, this was now.
I stood in my studio making sure everything was perfect, scanning the room one final time for anything out of place. My nervous energy was palpable. I couldn't sleep that night just thinking about Nate's apology to my father, then his subsequent surprise appearance at the interview. I poured over those events in my mind, along with the jolt I felt when my dad confessed some hard truths to me.
I was left with one choice. I texted Nate and invited him over.
I glanced at myself in the round mirror near the door and adjusted a few rogue hairs falling into my face.
I took a few seconds to analyze myself. I was barely an adult, but had much responsibility, and I just realized I was navigating through life with the wrong map.
As I heard the soft knock on the door, butterflies developed in my stomach.
I opened the door.
Nate stood in front of me with a casual t-shirt on with his impressive biceps peeking out. His cologne permeated the air causing me to slightly tingle inside from the pleasant scent.
He held a bottle of red wine in one hand and tequila in the other.
We both awkwardly said, "Hi," at the same time, then we fell silent.
"I didn't know which one would be better," he said, breaking the weird silence as he motioned to the very different beverages in his hand.
He handed both of the bottles to me as he walked in. I closed the door and followed behind.
"Do you want to sit?" I said pointing to the couch.
Nate took a seat as he nervously rubbed his hands together and glanced around the open space. I placed the bottles on the kitchen counter and walked over to the couch. I thought the start of our conversation would be best without booze as to not cloud our thoughts.
I hesitated on where to sit for a second, finally settling on the opposite side of the couch.
"I like the barn beam," Nate said, pointing to Reed's gift hanging on the wall in front of him.
"Why don't we have some tequila?" I said swiftly standing up again, hoping to change the subject. I instantly realized booze was the only way to get through this conversation.
I headed back to the counter and offered Nate a shot. He seemed slightly surprised at my suggestion to jump right into doing shots, but he was agreeable to whatever I wanted to do.
I walked over to him and handed him one. I quickly drank mine, hoping to retrieve some kind of courage I desperately needed at the moment. We both placed our empty glasses down on the coffee table in front of us.
I retreated back to my seat on the couch. Silence filled the air as we both looked straight ahead, instead of facing one another.
"I appreciate you talking with my dad," I acknowledged, still looking straight ahead.
"I'm glad I did," he said, nodding his head and looking straight forward, too.
I don't know if it was the tequila or just the chain of events leading up to this collision course, but I finally had enough of the "dance" we had been having since we first reunited.
I turned my whole body to face Nate and settled into the corner of my side of the couch.
My eyes were directly fixated on my old, ex-best friend.
"You know, I waited for your call...a text...for a long time. I know you read my texts, " I revealed.
"I read every one of them," he confessed looking down at the ground.
"But you never replied back. Why couldn't you just confide in me? Tell me what was going on with your family, with your dad," I started to get animated. "For five years, Nate, you made me believe I meant nothing to you. I just don't understand why you thought that was better than just telling me what was going on."
Nate turned his body towards mine and settled into the corner of his side of the couch.
"I screwed up. All of a sudden, I had to think about my mom and Jenna. You were better off without me. Your career was taking off..." he explained.
"You think my career was more important to me than knowing you actually were telling me the truth? Knowing the first guy I ever slept with DID actually care about me. That you didn't just use me and disappear without a trace, forever," I said perplexed at just the thought.
"I was eighteen. I didn't know what I was doing. I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I just didn't want to screw your life up like mine," he confessed.
"You don't think you screwed my life up by telling me you loved me in the first place?"
"You say, loved, like it's in the past tense, " he said confused, "Do you really think my feelings have changed for you?"
I sat in silence staring at this guy I thought I knew and realized nothing was cut and dry.
Panic settled in.
"Do you want another shot?" I sort of frantically stood up, "I think I need another shot."
Nate seemed taken aback at my abrupt intermission from our serious discussion. He just simply shook his head at the offer of another shot as I replenished my own, drinking the tequila fast and furious. I returned to my seat feeling like my nerves were still on edge, the shot was not as instant as I would've liked.
"Let's talk about your mom and Jenna," I said trying to steer the conversation away from talking about our true feelings, "How are they doing?"
"Jenna's alright. My mom has had it a little rough. My father got remarried a little over a year ago," he glanced down at the ground, "She was upset and took too many pills. She ended up in the hospital for a while. That's when I took the job at the high school. I'm renting a house down the street from them now."
He appeared strong and calm when I'm sure he was torn up inside.
It dawned on me the time frame was around the time my mom was going through treatment and passed away.
"I am sorry. There's nothing worse than seeing your parents in pain," I said compassionately, knowing all too well how he must've felt.
I glanced down at my lap, reliving the day I heard my mother had cancer. Then, I felt Nate's presence next to me. He had moved to my side of the couch.
I didn't feel panicked that he was so close, but instead, felt sad at our circumstance.
"We could've been there for one another," I said, wishing things had been different.
"I'm sorry about everything, Nick," he said with regret.
"I'm know," I said, realizing the demise of our relationship was not all of his fault.
All of a sudden, we both instinctively wrapped our arms around one another.
We held on tight, real tight, for what felt like an eternity. The long, emotional journey on the never-ending rollercoaster was finally coming to a stop.
As we finally released our grip, we sat in silence as he leaned back on the couch and pulled me towards his chest. I slowly and carefully nestled my head in as he placed his arm around me. He began to stroke my hair, like all those years ago.
I closed my eyes and took stock of the moment. I had finally forgiven Nate for everything.
We didn't speak for a few minutes then the floodgates opened up. We sat there in the same position for hours just talking about our lives and what we missed over the last years.
It was like old times, back to being Nick and Nate , chatting freely and openly without pretense or holding back.
It was past midnight before Nate thought it might be best he left. He knew I had an early photo shoot in the morning and didn't want to interfere with my, "beauty sleep," as he called it.
"Look, I was already planning on staying in town for a few more days. I'd really like to get together again if you're up for it," he said nervously.
"Sure," I blurted out almost too easily.
"So, it's a date," he said without thinking his words through, then he tried clarifying, "Not a date, date. I just meant a day where we can hang out."
"I know what you mean," I smiled without overthinking what he just implied.
We stood up together and walked to the door. He hesitated for a second, then he leaned in and gave me an awkward hug, not really knowing what was appropriate for that very moment.
As I closed the door behind him, I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.