Nothing could come close to the feeling of rapture, and sheer exhilaration one experienced, along with a sense of being so insignificant, when one stood surrounded by the majestic Himalayan mountains. Khushi felt tiny whenever she looked at the mighty granite peaks sprinkled with silver, the paths to their summit running around them like the tinsels on a Christmas tree. It was the kind of beauty one could just stand, behold and store into beautiful filigree boxes inside the heart forever. The landscape had been another story. Throughout the trek, the babbling brooks had followed her almost everywhere through the mountain passes and beyond, and the trees around her had stood erect, beautiful yet nearly ghost-like. The only disturbance in the painting in front of her eyes were the drifting clouds in the sky, unpredictable at times, as they got dragged around by the wind powerful enough to change the weather in no time. She would pass by freshwater streams and some occasional tiny waterfalls which broke through the hard rock on mountain paths. At times she had had to cross the meandering white-water rivers fed by the mountain streams, shimmering and laughing in the sunshine. Quite often, she would find herself slowing down to take it all in, not wanting to miss any detail of the stunning avatar of Mother Nature around her. This was what she had come here for. This was what they referred to as 'heaven on earth'.
The cold weather chilled her fingers, and she rubbed her palms together, taking in lungs of fresh air. Coming to the trek had been a strangely liberating experience for Khushi. She felt like she had finally escaped the feelings which had left her restless day and night in the last few months. She had hoped to breathe easy for some time, away from the troubles and turmoil that had tormented her every single day.
Kabir's behaviour, his feelings and the guilt in her had made it impossible for her to think about anything or anyone else in her life. Causing someone immense pain unknowingly and feeling guilty for being the only reason for someone's unhappiness was a disconcerting and agonising feeling to live with, and she had endured it for quite some time. She never really let herself off the hook for being that person who was responsible for breaking Kabir's heart. His pain and helplessness had taken over her life, and she had wanted to run away, unable to resolve the issue.
Unfortunately for her, though, there had been no respite for her heart. The moment she left Kabir in Pune, Arnav had taken over her mind. It was odd in a way, that when she was in Pune, she had had no time to think about Arnav because of Kabir. And now that she was physically away from home and Kabir, she couldn't think of anything else but him.
By the end of the tenth day, the group had completed the trek to the two most stunning glaciers in the Himalayan range of Kumaon, Pindhari and Kafni, and were now walking back into the ugly clutches of the real world. Dwali, a beautiful small village located at the base of the Pindar Valley, offered them a shelter for the night before they began their descent towards urban civilisation.
Despite the feeling of euphoria in the camp, Khushi was in no frame of mind to enjoy it. This trek was meant to be all about her and was expected to soothe her agitated mind. It was supposed to be about exploring the beauty of Mother Nature and dissolving in it. It was about making new friends and sharing experiences. But instead of sticking to the plan, she winded up doing something else.
She missed Arnav.
It was that all-consuming, delirious, unbearable kind of yearning and longing. His name sang through her heart, and his image fluttered on her eyelashes. She had been prepared for the trek, but she hadn't been ready for this.
It had begun very gradually the moment she had reached her base camp from Delhi on Day Two of her trek. After dumping her bag in the small room she shared with a couple of girls, she had stepped out of the rest house which sat comfortably in the lap of the valleys of snow-hooded mountains, to witness the stunning landscape around her. She had felt the need to blink a couple of times to believe the beauty of it. And that was the moment where the first pang had hit her, like a bolt of lightning.
Arnav should've been here with her to experience this...
Her heart had whispered to her, a wish that became an unbearable ache in no time, a line which later became the mantra she chanted for the remaining days of the trek.
It was as if she was being followed by an apparition which kept her company all through the days and cold nights. She just couldn't get him out of her thoughts. He was everywhere and in everything she did. She felt him standing next to her, chatting with her incessantly, singing or humming with her, walking with her, climbing up and down the tricky slopes holding her hands, taking in the breathtaking views along with her ...and at times when she was irritated, teasing her or daring her to think of anything else but him.
The farther she tried to go away from him, the more his thoughts gripped her. The distance finally, ceased to matter. Arnav Chauhan was now etched on her heart, her body and her soul and the realisation had overwhelmed her.
Looking back at all those years of growing up with him, she realised that Arnav had been a part of everything she did in her life. She had taken his presence for granted, and within a few months after his departure to London, she had finally come to realise precisely what his absence meant to her. If she had to jog her memory and tried to remember a single incident in her life which he wasn't a part of, she knew she wouldn't find anything. She had never experienced anything without him being around. It was a simple realisation that unfurled from within her, but it took her breath away.
Be it the wild berries they both had tasted for the first time on the Crooked Hill as kids, or the moment when he was running along with her as she finally found that dratted balance on the bicycle for the first time. He had been with her. He had been the only one who had helped her bring home a few puppies of a stray dog on the road against everyone's wishes and had been the only one besides her who fed them till her parents had taken them away. He had been the one who had stood beside her parents to cheer her as she played her first Inter-school Badminton final and later patted her back for performing well despite her losing the match. He had been the one to drop her at the gate on her first day of college and had been the one to take her clubbing for the first time in her life. Of course, he had been the first one to celebrate Jhumri's arrival and had been her first ride. He had been with her on every big and small trek and all the big and small picnics in her life. There were countless such moments which he was now always going to be a part of! He was there, everywhere. There was no need to mention that she didn't have many college or school friends. She hung around with her usual gang, but he was the heart of it too. And so, it came as a shock to her system when she realised that she was unable to enjoy anything that life offered to her if he was not a part of it. Suddenly, nothing felt complete without him, and it left her longing for his presence.
The campfires every night had made her miss him even more as a few of them sang his favourite songs. The food served at the camps was his favourite and jokes shared between the friends were his type. The first name she thought about in immense pain when the first blister on her feet popped was his. She just couldn't escape him. In joy and misery, in happiness and sorrow, he was with her, in her. There was a constant ache which followed her through the paths and valleys all days and nights, and she was struggling to live with it. This place suddenly became torture without him.
She longed to hear his voice. She found herself thinking about his face, every line and every curve on it, she remembered it all. She missed the smell of him. Things about him she had never thought about or paid any attention to came to the fore. The memories of them together came back, overwhelming her emotionally.
Standing outside her camp, she shivered a bit as the frost kissed her face. It was a beautiful night. She stood staring at the moon which was under the siege of the glittering stars studded in the black ocean of darkness above, and there was just one name on her lips... Arnav. She wished he was with her, standing next to her, appreciating and relishing the beauty that lay in front of her eyes. She knew he would have loved it. He would've loved it so much! Her heart twisted painfully, his absence leaving a void so big that she felt a physical ache in her chest. A tear trickled down her eye, and she wiped it quickly. Bhaggu ji, what was this madness? It was a torment she wasn't prepared for.
And then her hand touched her left ear inadvertently, as she opened her fist and looked at the lonely earring he had left behind for her, glittering in the moonlight, separated from its true half. The ache of longing spread through her bones as she remembered those beautiful fleeting moments she had spent with him before his departure. His words had caressed her being, his ragged breathing near her ear had made her tremble, and his eyes which had stared at her unabashedly had made her toes curl. Suddenly, she wanted to call him and tell him that she missed him terribly. Tell him that she wanted.... what did she want really? To her surprise, the answer to that question rang in her mind instantly. She wanted everything and nothing from him. Standing there alone, outside the small dwelling where they had camped for the night, she knew she would remember this moment in her life forever.
She thought of Kabir but the longing for Arnav in her chest intensified. They would have to find a way out of this, she told herself. She didn't want to hurt Kabir, but she didn't want to be without Arnav anymore. A strange sense of peace descended over her being when she accepted the feeling, making her heart skip a beat.
As she stood under the canopy of thousands and millions of bright specks in the sky above, she vowed to come back to this place with Arnav again someday, whatever be the circumstances.
****
She hadn't been able to wait to come back to Delhi and get hold of a telephone. She had laughed as she, along with a friend from the group had rushed towards a telephone booth after finishing breakfast on the last day of her trek. She hadn't been able to think of anything else other than calling him throughout the trek. All she wanted was to listen to his voice just once. She had no clue what she would talk to him about, and she didn't even want to think about it. But when she called him, she was informed by the operator that he was not in his room and would be back later in the evening. She had tried again and got the same answer. Heartbroken and dejected, she had boarded the Jhelum Express back to Pune.
****
The raucous metallic creaks of the wheels coming to a stop woke Khushi up from her slumber of a long and exhaustive journey. As the train finally came to a halt at the Pune station late afternoon on the next day, Khushi sat on her seat rubbing her eyes, allowing people who were in a hurry to get off the carriage first. She pulled her suitcase out from under her seat while one of her trek buddies helped her get the heavy backpack from the berth above. She ambled towards the door of the carriage in a queue along with her fellow trekkers who had now become her good friends. When everyone from their group had alighted from the train, they held each other in a huddle and cheered loudly on the successful completion of the trek. They hugged and bid each other goodbye with promises to do another trek together next year and with assurances to stay in touch with each other in the future.
Khushi was beyond exhausted and in desperate need of a hot shower. Struggling to keep her eyes open, she looked around and finally spotted her Aai hurrying towards her, wearing her beautiful smile.
"Sorry I'm late, Mithhoo. Finding a parking slot is a nightmare in this place." She apologised as she held her daughter in a warm embrace and planted a few kisses on her cheek and forehead. "You are not going on these stupid treks again, Mithoo! The house is dead when you are not around." She complained, a film of tears over her eyes. "Deva! You've lost weight again!"
"Oh come on, Aai! It's been two weeks, not two years! How can I possibly lose weight in two weeks?" Khushi rolled her eyes and smiled. "I missed you too, Aai" She hugged her again and kissed her on her cheek. "Why didn't Baba come along? I wanted to meet him too." Khushi grumbled as she picked up her backpack and pulled her suitcase along towards the exit with her.
"He wanted to but couldn't get off work early." Aai said as she stared at her daughter's sleepy eyes and dishevelled hair.
****
Anagha drove in silence, listening to her daughter's nonstop chatter about the trek in detail. She wore an amused look throughout the drive as she glanced at Khushi fondly, wondering how her daughter could talk so much when she was so tired and sleepy.
Half an hour later, they had reached their building, and the watchman opened the gates for them. Anagha had parked their car in their allocated space and gone to speak to the watchman when Khushi decided to step out of the car and get her luggage from the boot. She clasped the handle of her heavy suitcase and tugged at it. When it didn't budge, she tried again. Anger took over as she fought to pull the bag out and finally accepted that she was too tired from the trip.
The fact that she couldn't get in touch with Arnav at all was playing heavy on her mind, and it had wrung out the last ounce of strength in her, leaving her miffed. Tonight, she vowed, she would find an excuse to get out and call him up, come what may. She would go to Akash's house and wait at his place all night if the need be, but she had to speak to Arnav. She had missed him like never before. She then realised the impossibility of that happening, and it snapped the last thread of her control. Tears brimmed her eyes as she gave the handle one final tug with all her might.
Suddenly the air around her changed in a blink of an eye, and she felt a shadow creep up next to her. And before she saw who it was or realised what was happening, a strong warm hand enclosed her's in a tight grip and pulled out the suitcase from the boot effortlessly in one brisk movement.
She stood paralysed as her breath in her lungs rolled into a ball and got lodged in her throat on its way out.
It couldn't be.
Arnav?
She didn't move, nor did she look at him. What if she looked up and realised that she was hallucinating? She knew she would die if this were some cruel joke her mind had decided to play on her in a such a weak frame of mind. Surely she hadn't reached that stage of lunacy yet? Hell, what if she looked up and realised that she was not hallucinating?! She drew in a shaky breath and tried to free her trembling hand ensconced in his, but she couldn't. She then heard him exhale deeply near her ears before he placed the suitcase on the ground. She kept looking at their enclosed hands as her heartbeat pounded her eardrums to shake away any doubts about his presence from her mind. He stood right next to her, his hand still covering her's, his breathing telling her in his own way about the emotions he was battling with at that moment.
"Let go." Khushi heard his husky voice near her ears which sent a shiver down her spine, making the blood in her body rush to her head at once.
She nodded and tried to wriggle her hand from under his hold, but he wouldn't let her, almost willing her to look at him just once.
And so she did. Their eyes met, and she wilted under his stare and looked away, unable to bear the intensity in them anymore.
Yes, it was him, alright. The man she was desperately trying to call, whose voice was meant to soothe the longing of her heart. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine he would be standing right in front of her. A couple of thoughts ran helter-skelter in her head, and it took her a few seconds to acknowledge the fact that he was indeed standing right in front of her eyes out of the blues, like a dream.
Her parched eyes had a proper look at his face. He seemed to have lost some weight. The sunken cheeks were adding a different look to it, his features looking all the more striking than before. His sharp jaw and angular cheekbones looked more defined, and his complexion appeared to have gone a shade lighter. He wore a stubble which she had never seen on him before, and it made him look more –manly, hardier? His eyes twinkled in the light of the setting sun, and his lips were pressed firmly together in a wistful expression.
There was a seriousness about him that unnerved her as her pleading eyes met his light brown ones, blazing with an emotion known only to their hearts. He took his hand off her's, and she let go of the handle after seeing her Aai and the watchman join them where they were standing.
"Arey beta, why did you come downstairs? I was going to ask the watchman to bring it upstairs." Anagha said with a smile.
"That's alright, Kaki." Arnav said softly. "I was downstairs, cleaning my bike when I saw you drive in."
The trio walked up to the staircase, and Anagha started climbing the stairs slowly. Khushi waited for him to go ahead and when he didn't move, she looked at him. His face was set as he glanced at her once and said, "You go ahead."
She nodded as if in a trance and climbed the stairs on her shaky legs. She turned back once and realised that he had not followed her. They reached her doorstep, and her mother opened the door to let them in. Khushi waited for a minute for him, and when he didn't turn up, followed her inside and closed the door.
She sat down on the sofa, as her legs gave away, unable to withstand the shock to her heart. She saw her Aai walk up to her with a glass of water and sit beside her.
"How– when did Arnav come back, Aai? Sab theek hain na?" She asked as she drenched her parched throat with water.
"Two days ago, Mithhoo. Christmas break. Will you believe me if I told you that he has landed a good job there already? Shaila was telling me all about it proudly." Anagha smiled at her. "I suggest you shower, eat something and then go meet him."
Khushi had forgotten about the shower. She had forgotten about everything. It suddenly dawned on her that Arnav had seen her after so long in such a dishevelled state. The thought made her cringe, but her mind talked her out of it. Of course, he has seen you in a worse avatar before. But then, things weren't the way they were right now. A ghost of a smile touched her lips, and her cheeks felt warm. Her hands turned clammy as the reality of it hit her once again knocking her breath off. He was here, next door, few feet away from her! Her heartbeat took off wildly again like it had nothing else left to do in life anymore.
****
Khushi stepped out of the bathroom and finally felt clean after a long hot shower. Every muscle in her body had been aching, and the shower had relaxed her completely. After spending some time on choosing what to wear, which in normal circumstances she wouldn't have, she walked out dressed in a green kurti and leggings. She nibbled on her favourite snack but couldn't finish it. She had suddenly lost her appetite.
Half an hour later, after deliberating over critical issues like whether to knock on the door or ring the doorbell and what to say to Arnav and how to stand or sit in front of him, Khushi finally walked across the passageway between their doors and rang the doorbell. She waited for another minute or so by the door, and when no one answered, she turned around with a frown on her face, deciding she would come back later. She had just reached her door when his door opened.
He stood framed for a moment in the doorway. There was no movement for a few seconds, not even of their heartbeat. Loud thumping from the chest brought them back to senses, and she saw him lean his back, lazily against the door. An unruly cowlick of hair slid across his forehead as he pushed the door back to let her in. He drew in a deep breath as his hands slipped into the pockets of the lounge pants sitting comfortably on his waist just below the black vest. She saw all expressions vanish from his eyes in a flash as he stood staring at her, unblinking. His eyes didn't leave hers for a second. His mouth didn't utter a single word.
Khushi stood rooted to the spot, her heart racing uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze. She saw him move and open the door for her, but she couldn't move. She found it difficult to stand in front of him as her eyes followed his. She saw them glance at her wet uncombed hair for a split second before they found her face again. Her entire being was melting and drowning at the same time. She realised in a fleeting moment of awareness that she had forgotten to breathe, and she finally drew in a long breath.
The spell was broken when they heard Shaila's voice from the kitchen.
"Who is it, Arnav?"
Arnav continued to hold her with nothing but the power of his eyes. He swallowed hard and said, "Khushi."
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Note: Busy couple of days ahead, so thought I should post this one today too. Kaisa laga chapter? :)