I toss and turn, as the dreams continue to get worse with every passing night. Even though I no longer live with Robert and the adoption is pretty much sealed, I still can't help the thoughts that creep in. I can't help but think that what he said was true and that I'm only just a burden on other people. I mean, Alex wouldn't have to worry about an adoption right now if it wasn't for me. I can also feel the worry from all my other teammates about the scars and what else I possibly haven't told them, as they should all only be focused on the World Cup. Sometimes I feel like it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared.
Like every night, that is the thought I end on before I drift off to sleep and the dreams start. It's just like the one I got in January, I'm in the main hallway of his house, and he's standing at the end of it. Almost immediately he's in front of me and the beating starts and I quickly feel like I can't take anymore, that's when I jolt awake in a pool of sweat.
The only time it wasn't like this, was when I fell asleep next to Alex. I know the dreams are getting worse because of the stress with the World Cup. I also know I should tell someone so they can help, but the words just can't seem to leave my mouth not wanting to be an even bigger burden on others.
Instead of trying to fall back asleep, I get up seeing the clock already reads 6:15. As I make my way down to the meal room, I see Becky also leaving her room. "You look like hell," she says chuckling, obviously referencing my terrible under eye bags from barely sleeping.
"You don't look too hot yourself," I reply with the same dull morning sarcasm.
"I think, right now, coffee is a good idea," Becky laughs, as we enter the meal room.
"Coffee is always a good idea," I say with a smile.
"I can second that," Carli says from behind me, making me practically jump out of my skin.
Becky starts laughing at me, as I hold my chest, "What is with you and scaring me in the meal room?!"
Carli just shrugs chuckling, "It's entertaining."
I roll my eyes playfully as I pour a cup of coffee for myself and the two other veterans. Once we sit down at our table, Carli asks, "Aren't you and Alex suppose to be leaving for Seattle soon?"
"Yeah, in a couple of hours," I replied nodding my head. Both Alex and I have to go back up to Seattle to sign the last papers and pack up my room before making the drive in my truck with all my stuff from Seattle to Alex's house in LA. The team still doesn't know, but once we get back we're announcing the adoption. They all just think I want to grab stuff from home before leaving for New York to do World Cup media. "I think Kelley and a couple of others are deciding to join us, or something," I reply, remembering for some reason Kelley, Christen, and Tobin wanted to tag along and see where I grew up.
Carli lets out a laugh, "Ha! Kelley waking up at 8, that's funny."
"Well, actually they're all supposed to be up in the next hour, our flight boards at 8."
"That's even less likely," Becky says, before taking a sip of her coffee.
Just as the words come out of her mouth three zombies and a very awake looking Christen come walking through the door. "Holy shit, they woke up," I say, actual shock fueling my voice.
"Haha," Kelley deadpans rolling her eyes, "Very funny." She's practically dragging herself over to the coffee maker, as she says, "I'm already regretting this."
"You know you don't have to come, remember?" I say with a smile.
"And waste an opportunity to annoy you, never," Kelley says with a smirk before drinking her coffee.
I roll my eyes, as Alex comes over and kisses the top of my head also looking half asleep. "You look chipper," Alex says, as she too goes for some coffee.
A smirk spreads on my face, "I just like watching others struggling through the morning."
This earns a death glare from Kelley before Tobin mumbles almost falling into the chair next to me, "Fuck off."
This causes the rest of us to chuckle, as Alex says, "No swearing around Ryn."
Kelley lets out a small laugh, "Ryn swears more than anyone else on the team, she's got the worst sailors mouth."
I shrug, "You're not wrong."
"And that's something we're going to change," Alex says staring me down.
I again let out a laugh, "I wish you luck on the futile endeavor."
"Stop using such big words so early in the morning," Kelley says holding her head as if my words are hurting her head. This causes me to shake my head laughing, as the other veterans also let out a few laughs.
Before I know it, we're on the flight and Kelley is right back to annoying the shit out of me. As we walk off the plane, towards baggage claim I turn around, "Kelley, I swear to god if you keep hitting the back of my legs with your suitcase, I will drug you and ship you to New York in a box, right now!"
I hear a familiar voice a couple of feet away say, "Well someone's hit a nerve."
I look up to see Alex walking over to Serv, who has a smile covering his face. After letting Alex go, he pulls me into a hug. "I didn't know you two knew each other," Kelley says confused.
"Oh yeah, Serv and I go way back to about two weeks ago," I chuckle.
"Wait, not to be rude, but why are you here?" Tobin asks Serv, a confused expression spreading on her face along with the other two national team players.
Alex, Serv, and I all share looks before Alex starts to explain how they're adopting me. By the time Alex finishes explaining, we're all packed into an Uber headed to our hotel. "Wait, so you two are adopting her?" Christen questions again, as if to make sure her ears aren't deceiving her.
I can't let the opportunity go by without making fun of myself, "Yeah, I know, I'm surprised too. Like what kind of psychos would actually sign on to adopt me, but they haven't backed out yet."
"Well, then call us psycho, because we aren't backing out of this," Serv chuckles ruffling up my hair, knowing it will annoy the hell out of me. I send him a playful glare, as he just laughs at me. Both Serv and I have continued to get to know each other over FaceTime throughout the past weeks, as we called each other almost as much as Alex and I call each other when we aren't at camp.
"I'm so happy for all of you," Tobin says with a smile.
"Are you sure though, I mean have you met Ryn, she can be a hand full," Kelley jokes sarcastically, as Alex rolls her eyes.
"Kelley, trust me, I've had all the training I need dealing with you," Alex replies with a smirk, as everyone else in the car laughs knowing it's true.
After dropping our stuff at the hotel, we immediately head over to the courthouse, as the last part of the whole process is getting a judge to sign off on the adoption. Kelley, Christen, and Tobin decide to tag along for 'moral support', but I secretly think Kelley only came to annoy me further.
The judge called Alex and Serv in separately to talk to each of them, before calling my name. Each of their meetings lasted about half an hour, and in that time my anxiety only grew. Christen and Tobin tried to comfort me, as I could feel my heart rate double its normal rhythm. Kelley tried to joke around to get my mind off of it, but my laughs were faked as the worry continued. Once I heard the judge call my name, I feel my heart stop as I feel like I'm floating instead of walking into her office.
Once I sit down, I see a warm smile spread onto the judge's face, but this does little to relax me. "I'm going to cut to the chase, and not waste your time, Ms. Johnson," the middle-aged woman says, the smile not leaving her face, "I only have a couple of questions left for you."
"Ok," I mumble, but I can tell she hears me.
"Why do you want Alex and Serv to adopt you?" the blonde woman asks.
I stay silent for a moment to gather my thoughts before saying, "Whenever Alex asks 'What's wrong?' It's because she actually cares and wants to make sure I'm ok. And even when she's in Orlando and I'm in Seattle she is always calling to make sure I'm ok. Even though I haven't known Serv that long, him and I also talk non-stop over the phone, and I know I could always go to him with whatever and he would listen...I guess what I'm trying to say is, they both make me feel safe and loved. And I'm going to be honest, I can't say that about a lot of people in my life."I can see the smile on the judge's face widen slightly, as I can tell she likes my honest answer. I can feel myself relax, as she asks me a couple of other questions. "Well...Ms. Johnson, it seems like we're done here," the judge, who I learned is Judge Reynolds, says as I start to get nervous again. I see the smile break on her face before she says standing from behind her desk, "How about you help me tell your new parents the good news?"
I feel my shoulders loosen up, as I let out a deep breath. I nod my head with a smile forming on it, "Yeah, I'd love to." As she goes to open her office door, I quickly say, "Wait."
She turns around worried, "Last minute change of heart?"
"No," I answer with a smirk, "Can we do something?"
Alex's pov:
Both Serv and I are instantly on our feet when we see Judge Reynold's door open, except my stomach drops at the site. Both Ryn and Judge Reynolds wear emotionless expressions on their faces, and I can't help but think it's a bad sign. I grab Serv's hand for support, before putting an arm around Ryn when she walks over. I look over to Christen, Tobin, and Kelley, as all three of them are silent also wearing worried looks.
My full attention is pulled to the judge, as she starts to say, "After much deliberation..." My heart sinks as there is no excitement behind her voice. I feel Ryn lean into me, as I rub circles with my thumb on her shoulder. "I've decided it would be in the best interest of Ryn to be released into your permanent custody," Judge Reynold says causing a smile to break out on her face. I let out a sigh of relief, as I can't control the smile on my face.
I instantly pull Ryn into a hug, as Kelley sighs out, "Jesus, you had us all on edge."
"I had to make you guys sweat a little bit," Ryn says with a smirk.
My jaw drops, "Were you trying to give me a heart attack?!"
Ryn just smirks, "Maybe."
I give her shoulder a slight push, as my jaw drops with fake hurt. Serv pulls her into a hug, and I hear him mumble, "Welcome to the family, kid." I can't help but smile at them.
Ryn's pov:
All of us decided to go out on a celebratory lunch at the news of the adoption finally being official. After Alex reminds me we're only staying a night before driving down to LA in the morning, we decide to get a move on packing up my life. Christen, Tobin, and Kelley are planning on taking a flight from Seattle to New York, and Serv is planning to fly down and meeting us in LA.
Unfortunately, we have to go to my old foster home where I lived in with Robert, as I still had stuff there. The reason I hadn't moved out earlier is that the police still needed to gather evidence and Robert is sitting in jail so there was no rush to move out. Once my car pulls up to the all too familiar house, I'm glad I convinced Tobin, Christen, and Kelley to stay at the hotel and do something else.
Before either Serv or Alex can reach to unbuckle their seatbelts, I quickly say, "Can I go in alone?"
They seem to have a silent conversation with their faces before Serv says with a small smile,
"Yeah, of course. Just let us know if you need any help."
I nod my head, "Thanks, will do."
We had decided to pick up my truck from my most recent foster home before coming. As I climb out of the truck, I can't help but remember the countless afternoons I would be making this same walk into the front door only to leave with new bruises covering the old ones. As I reach for the bright red front door, I take a deep breath. Not wanting to wait too long, and alert either Serv or Alex that something could possibly be wrong. I push the door open to reveal the hall that has been haunting me in my dreams almost every night, except it looks like someone was murdered.
I don't remember much from my last night here, but it was definitely worse than any other night. There's still a pool of dried blood in the carpet from the blood that had been dripping from my mouth that night. There were also smaller blood splatters and broken glass everywhere. I can feel the tears threatening to spill, but I push them down before going up the stairs. I go to my room, the second door on the left. Well more like a door frame, as Robert had broken down the actual door in one of his fits of rage.
Once I turn into the doorway, I'm met with my very empty room. All that takes up space is my bed, dresser, and desk. Most of my stuff is already packed up in boxes in my closet, as I learned to never fully unpack when living in foster care.
Instead of packing what's left, all I can do is stare at my bed. It's like my feet are glued to the ground, and I can only think of all the pain I experienced in this house. I feel a flash of anger go through me, making me want to smash everything in this house to pieces. But sadness quickly makes that impossible, as it takes over my entire body causing me to drop to the ground in tears.
All the emotions I've been avoiding the past two months come to the surface, as I lay on my bedroom carpet. I just lay on my back crying about things I didn't even know where bothering me. I don't even know how long it takes for me to eventually sit up against my wall, still sniffling through the last tears falling down my face.
I suddenly hear the front door open, "Hey, Ryn? Are you upstairs? Serv and I are worried, are you ok?" I hear Alex's voice yell throughout the house.
I quickly wipe the remaining tears from my face before replying, "Yeah, I'm up here."
I hear Alex practically sprint up the stairs, as I pull myself off the ground. I never thought that could be so hard, as I feel every ounce of my weight fighting against me. I make myself look busy packing a box, as Alex enters my bedroom. "Do you need any help?" Alex asks as I'm facing away from her packing up my desk.
"Nope," I say, not wanting to turn and show her my post-cry bright red complexion.
I hear her muffled footsteps walk up behind me before hesitating to ask, "Ryn, are you really ok?"
"Yeah, just taking a l-little," I lie, but my voice betrays me.
I close my eyes holding in tears, as Alex now close enough to see my face. Before I can even say anything, Alex pulls me into a hug. She kisses my head and just holds me, "You can tell me when you're ready, but just know I'm always here."
I feel a couple more tears falling from my eyes, as I nod into her shoulder. Once we break away, Alex decides to help me pack up the last of my stuff. The room is completely silent till the last couple of items and I hear Alex ask, "Is this a photo album?!"
I look over to see the red book-sized cover, and I just nod my head, "Yeah, it has pictures from when I was a baby till like middle school."
"Oh, we are so looking through this together," Alex says with a smirk, as I just chuckle shaking my head at her attempt to embarrass me. The packing is quick, as I only have three big boxes of stuff. It may not seem like much, but when you've moved around a lot you learn to keep what you only need. Most of the space being taken up by clothing and a few childhood keepsakes.
It only takes two trips to bring everything down to my truck. As I close the large red door for the last time, I can't help the feeling of a weight finally being lifted off my shoulders.
The packing at my most recent foster home is faster, as I only brought a suitcase of clothes there so that's all I take. Once Serv puts it in the bed of my truck, he asks skeptically, "Are you sure that's all your stuff?"
I laugh, "Yup, definitely is."
The three of us meet back up with Christen, Tobin, and Kelley, and decide to have an early dinner. Just as we get our food, I feel my phone go off in my pocket. I quickly unlock the device to read the text message.
Mia 😂:Hey, heard your back in town for the night, and wanted to know if you're free to go out before you leave for the World Cup?
I smirk and rapidly text back.
Me:Is that even a question? Hell yeah! What's the plan?
for the past couple of weeks, i've started summer training, as i'm trying to get rid of this quarantine body before soccer season starts 😂 unfortunately that's come at the cost of less writing time. but with my two fav nwsl teams coming out on top today in the quarterfinals, one with the thorns big win over north carolina, along with jane campbell's amazing saves in that shootout to eliminate utah, i decided to post this chapter asap. hope you enjoyed it!
- Care :)