Dull pain, that's all I feel when I wake up. I check the time on my phone, and Tessa has already picked up my mother from the airport. She is probably on her way home with them now. I feel my stomach in knots, which is strange because I'm not nervous about tomorrow at all. I'm excited; it's been a long fucking time coming. If I'm nervous about anything, it's Tessa's bachelorette 'party' tonight, aka Kim and Nora taking her to some sleazy bar to see an underground band that no one has probably ever heard of. She shouldn't be exerting herself too much, and even though she tells me how she won't go crazy, I'm not one hundred percent sure if I believe her. The last thing I need is to be freaking out all night at the idea of Tessa passing out again. Our wedding is tomorrow, as in twenty-four hours, as in at this time tomorrow, Tessa and I will be saying 'I do'... well, that's the plan anyways. I still have to tell her about my past with her friend from high school, plus other things. I haven't been completely honest with her recently when it comes to a lot of things. Fuck, maybe I am more nervous than I thought. I just want everything to be perfect for her, and I don't want my past mistakes to screw everything up like they usually do.
I figure Tessa will be home soon enough, so I won't call her, but I do want to talk to somebody. I can't just lay here anymore and drown in my thoughts. My stomach pain has not subsided, but maybe calling Landon or something will help distract me from the difficult conversation I am bound to have with Tessa.
"Happy wedding eve! How are you feeling?" Landon asks me.
"Like shit. I got butterflies and pains everywhere." I honestly tell him.
"That's normal. Remember what I was like the night before my wedding? I was a huge mess!"
"Yeah, I do remember."
It makes me feel a little better remembering the complete shit show that was the night before Landon's wedding. He rung me at 3 AM freaking the fuck out, nervous that he was jumping into the whole marriage thing at too young of an age. I talked him off the edge that night. It seems we both have the capability to calm each other down, which if you were to say that just five years ago, I'd say you were fucking insane.
"So? At least you're not calling me in the middle of the night."
"I guess you're right, but there's still time."
"So, Tessa is staying over at our place tonight?" He reminds me of the stupid fucking rule that the bride and groom shouldn't sleep together the night before the wedding.
"Yeah."
"So, you'll have the house all empty to yourself?"
"Unfortunately not. My mum and Mike are staying here."
"Oh, well that's nice I guess. You can catch up with your mom."
"Yeah... Tessa is picking them up from the airport now."
"Don't sound so depressed. You're getting married tomorrow!" Landon tries to cheer me up, but it doesn't work. This fucking pit in my stomach just won't go away.
"I know."
"Are you ready? Tux picked out? Vows written? Do you have Tessa's wedding band?" Landon starts listing stuff that I know I've had done for years, just hoping that Tessa would one day say yes, but one thing he says pops out: vows.
"Oh my fucking god." I slam my head against my pillow. I forgot about the vows! I told Tessa I had already wrote them, which I only said because she told me she wrote hers. I have been putting them off for so long.
"What is it?"
"The vows. I completely forgot about the vows."
Landon is silent on the other line. "Shit." I hear him swear.
"Yeah, SHIT!"
"Just write them now before Tessa gets home. You're good at that stuff."
I guess I am good at writing my emotions down on paper. I did it five years ago when I was trying to convince Tessa to take me back after she found out about Natalie. I wrote down everything in my head, poured my heart out onto that goddamn piece of paper, and she loved it... until I stupidly ripped it to shreds. I can do it again, I'm gonna need to do it again.
"I'm gonna go do that, thanks." I hang up rudely without saying goodbye, but I need to somehow write these vows before Tessa comes back.
I have so much I want to say and could say to Tessa, but when I try to write it down on paper, it comes out forced. How the fuck did Tessa do this with such ease? I have too many thoughts, I think that's the issue. I have too many things I could say to Tessa, and choosing the right ones is the challenge. I need inspiration. I need to read Tessa's words, because she always says the right things.
I walk over to her closet, and take out a box stuffed with old cards. Tessa's the sentimental type who likes to keep anything with any sort of meaning. She has kept all the cards that we have given each other since we got back together. They are organized by occasion. There's a bunch from birthdays, Christmas, get well soon, congratulations... and ah yes, valentine's day.
I pick out the first one that Tessa gave me when we got back together. That was actually our first Valentine's Day together. I broke up with her in England a week before Valentine's Day. She wrote an entire essay in this Valentine's Day card, pouring her heart out to me, since we had just gotten back together. I wasn't in New York full time yet, so we had to spend Valentine's Day in Chicago. We were in that honeymoon phase where we were just glad to be back together, so we just swept all our problems that caused us to break up under the rug. Those were the best times, when Tessa would come visit me in Chicago.
-
"It's our first official Valentine's Day!" Tessa came running into the main room of my apartment.
"Is it actually?"
"Yeah, we never got to celebrate Valentine's Day together." She frowned.
"How is that possible that I have known you for three years and we've never celebrated Valentine's Day together?"
"We have been broken up during all Valentine's Days."
"Oh..." I was never one to celebrate Valentine's Day. Honestly, I thought it's quite fucking tacky, expecting your significant other to buy you some extravagant gift. Thank god Tessa and I agreed to just write each other cards instead of buying something expensive.
"Here." She shoved an envelope at my chest.
I reached into my bedside table drawer and retrieved a piece of paper. "I didn't get you a card, or an envelope."
"It's okay." She snatched it out of my hand, and scurried off into my bedroom.
I opened her envelope, and of course she picked out the corniest card. There is a squirrel on the front of it with the words 'I am nuts for you' underneath. I laugh to myself thinking about how Tessa probably thought this was hilarious.
After reading that final sentence, I jolted from the couch and ran to the bedroom. Tessa was standing there, wearing some kind of sexy cupid's costume. It was a red bra with white panties, but the panties had tiny little hearts on them. We turned into that couple who dress up in weird costumes on holidays.
"What's next, fucking sexy Santa Klaus?"
"You're ruining the moment." She laughed, and pushed me onto the bed. "Happy Valentine's Day." She smiled down at me as she straddled my lap.
"I love you." I brought my lips up to hers, and we had some pretty fucking amazing Valentine's Day sex.
-
I remember nearly tearing up at the sight of her words that expressed how much she loved me. Even though I knew it, just reading about how grateful she was for me, just as I was for her, was exactly what I needed, and the best Valentine's present.
As I continue to go through this box, I find what I wrote to her on that day. Mine doesn't look nearly as nice, and it's barely legible because of my shitty handwriting. Plus, the paper I wrote it on seems to be stained or something.
Reading the words I wrote Tessa does seem to get the wheels rolling in my head of what I could say in my vows, but I don't want to use recycled material. Just as I finish reading, I hear the door slam and feet begin running towards the bedroom.