I woke up the next morning feeling a bit out of place, even though I was in my own bed.
When I saw Rocky sound asleep on my floor, it took me a second to think of how she got there. The events of the night before flooded into my mind, solving my confusion. And I jumped out of bed, rushing to my house phone, checking for any messages on the answering machine.
Nothing.
I dialed Quincy's number, waiting nervously as it rang, only for no one to answer. "Hey uh, Quincy, it's me. I think we should talk. A lot happened yesterday and I just wanna say sorry and that I- I love you and you know I love you. So... call me back."
My bottom lip sunk between my teeth as I hung up the phone after leaving the message. My fingers itched to call again, but I knew I didn't want to sound too desperate. I sat and contemplated for a moment before allowing my heart to take the lead over my head, I called again, and again. It wasn't until I got no one on the other end the third time around, I accepted my defeat.
He was a morning person. There was no doubt that he was awake. And he was ignoring me.
Because he didn't want me.
That realization was enough to send me hiding in my sheets, panicking and crying, while I held my knees to my chest.
"What are you doing?" Rocky questioned as I felt the sheets being pulled from over my head. "What's wrong with you?" Her groggy tone indicated that I had woken her up.
"Quincy won't talk to me." I muttered. "He broke up with me last night."
"What?" She took a seat on my bed. "I don't remember that."
"I don't think you remember anything." I countered, glaring at her lightly. "You drank spiked punch and got drunk."
"I did?!" Her eyes widened. "So, I don't feel like shit just cause I slept on your floor?"
I shook my head in confirmation. "We cried together, though. In the bathroom."
"Why?"
"Cause you didn't like that you were throwing up, and I was sad Quincy left me." I felt more tears as the words came out of my lips. "He left me, Rocky. He won't even answer my calls."
Her hand went to my back, rubbing it softly. "Now, why would he be that stupid?"
"Cause I fucked up. I messed it all up, and now he doesn't wanna be with me." Tears came out of my eyes like a waterfall. "He doesn't want me."
"That's not true."
"He said it!" I argued. "He's done with me. It's over!" I turned, lying down on my side as I let myself be an emotional mess. "He doesn't wanna be with me anymore."
"It's gonna be okay." She told me, softly resting her head on my side in an attempt to hug and comfort me. "You're gonna be okay."
I listened to her say that over and over again while I sobbed like I was dying.
It sure as hell felt like it.
I cried until I fell asleep with the thought of Quincy not wanting me engraved in my mind like it was haunting me.
I loved him like I loved no other person, and I knew he loved me. But I just wasn't who he wanted anymore. And that left a long-lasting ache in my heart.
Why wasn't I enough for him?
🖤
All I did throughout the weekend was cry. By the time I woke up from my nap, Rocky had informed the girls of the news, and after I attempted to call Quincy again and got nothing, I broke down on the couch. Then when they all attempted to get me to eat, I broke down again.
I had no idea I could cry that much.
It was something that I couldn't even control. I'd have a thought or looked at something and be instantly reminded of him, and I'd be in tears before I could even blink. Nothing anyone said could make any of it better, and unless you could get Quincy to show up at my front door or call me back, I was never gonna be okay.
My mind only shut off when I slept. Which I could only do after I tired myself out from the crying. Otherwise, I would stare at the ceiling and let my thoughts consume me into a depressed headspace.
I never thought a broken heart would literally leave you feeling so broken.
I didn't wanna believe it. I didn't want it to be real.
Yet it was. And it was all my fault.
🖤
Monday came around, which meant school, and I was nowhere near prepared. I didn't do any of my homework, and with the amount of crying I did, it all seemed a little surreal to get out of bed and get ready to leave the house.
I threw on a hoodie and sweats, calling that a suitable outfit before making my way to the kitchen where, surprisingly, Calvin beat me to.
"Hey." He greeted, showing me a soft smile. "I toasted you some eggos." He placed the plate in front of me.
"I'm not hungry." I simply responded.
"You've barley eaten these last two days." He pointed out. "You gotta be hungry."
"I'm not." I honestly replied. "I'm not in the mood for food."
"Oh." Calvin replied slightly defeated as he slid the plate his way.
"I'm gonna go now."
"To school?"
"Where else would I be going?" I responded, adjusting my backpack on my shoulder as I walked out of the room.
"Ion know."
Also known as 'go pop up on Quincy and beg for him back'.
I rolled my eyes, walking to the front door opening it, spotting Nicki crossing the street to meet up with me.
She greeted me warmly, smiling as she hooked her arm with mine. "Hey sister from another mister. How you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"Me too." She quickly agreed as we started walking. "How are you feeling about school? Do you know what you're gonna do if you see him?"
"Shove myself in a locker."
"Janae." She sighed, looking at me. "Are you sure you're in the right mindset to be coming today?"
"I'm fine." I insisted.
This wasn't me and I knew it wasn't. I wasn't the type of girl that let people see her cry and get emotional. I was stronger than I was acting and I knew I had to get it together. No matter what happened between Quincy and I, I'd probably been through worse to emotionally damage me.
I was fine.
I had to be fine.
🖤
The girls were concerned, with good reason. The last time we were all together I was a wreck, and now I was walking into school like I was going to war, with a stone-cold face and attitude. When all I was really hoping was that when I saw Quincy for the first time, I didn't crumble.
The universe managed to keep us apart for the majority of the day.
I just tried to go on about my normal business, which was not at all normal, seeing Q wasn't apart of it. The only thing that really made it hard to keep a brave face was all the chatter. Apparently, Rocky wasn't the only one who got messed up over the punch, and everyone was talking about the different drunk highlights of the dance.
The only highlights I had were rubbing Rocky's back as she threw up and crying together.
Yeah, the dance wasn't my favorite memory in life.
"Are you seriously not eating? Again?" Kaylen asked, looking to me as I sat across from her with my lunch tray, but nothing was touched.
"I had chips earlier." I stated.
"Chips are not food!" Kay snapped.
"Says you!" Rocky instantly replied, pulling a face. "I'm offended."
"Well you're not the girl on the verge of weighing one pound." Kay just waved her off. "Why aren't you eating?"
"I'm just, not feeling it."
"How about a milkshake from Eddy's?" Will suggested. "We can skip last period and go."
"I can't skip last period." Rocky replied.
"Why are you making this all about you?" Will snapped, looking at her with a laugh.
The girls just went back and forth, it being easy for me to just tune them out as I started thinking about how that didn't sound like a bad idea.
I loved milkshakes from Eddy's and with how sad I was, maybe I deserved one.
And just as I made up my mind I saw him. He walked into the lunchroom with Jaleel and Tahj all smiles as Jaleel animatedly explained something as he walked in the middle. And by some sort of twist of fate Q looked my way, our eyes locking instantly.
Please say something to me.
He was the first to break our stare not even wasting a second before he bolted out of the room. A hand going on my shoulder before I could even think about moving to chase after him.
"You okay?" Nicki asked, snapping me out of my stream of thoughts, making me look her way.
"Can we get the milkshakes?" I requested as I fought the tears that wanted to spill.
"And some burgers 'cause you're not living off of that." Kay added.
"Yeah, yeah." I agreed, not really taking in her words. "Fine."
"So we're skipping last period?" Will asked with a hopeful smile.
"No." Rocky, Kay, and Nicki instantly protested.
I wish.
🖤
The trip to Eddy's after school was well needed. I finally got to replenish my body with burgers and fries, and enjoyed my milkshake. The girls tried their hardest to keep me in good spirits and it worked. I was smiling and laughing. It almost was like I was fully myself.
But it didn't last long seeing we all had to go our separate ways. I ended up walking home on my own after damn near fighting the girls to allow me. Nicki forgot her notebook at school, and all I was trying to do was go home.
I let her handle that on her own.
I don't know what compelled me halfway through my walk, but I suddenly turned in the opposite direction, going towards Quincy's home.
I just needed to talk to him, to understand him. I needed to know that he was okay. A huge part of me was hurting for him and what I put him through, rather than the other way around.
I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me. I wanted him to tell me that I didn't just waste almost a year of my life spilling all my secrets, giving my all to him, and loving him as I did.
I wanted him to tell me there was an actual chance to fix this.
And then I stopped walking.
What was I honestly doing to myself over this boy?
I was driving myself over things I couldn't change. I knew I would do anything for him, but I couldn't go and change the past. I didn't want to change the past. Talking to Andre made me realize I did the best I could do, and even if it wasn't what everyone agreed with, it worked. And just like Andre said to me about his situation, I wouldn't change a thing.
I wasn't going to allow myself to chase after someone who said they didn't want me. Someone who wasn't going to accept the decisions I made, right or wrong.
The last thing I would want was for him to hold that against me if we did get back together.
Quincy made his decision, and now I was making mine.
I turned around and walked home without looking back.
What's done is done.