hello this is because i didn't upload for an entire month and also this is v v angsty
~
The days pass in a blur. The pub hasn't called Taehyung yet to tell him when to start working.
So he works a lot, living through a sudden surge of inspiration. Talking to Hoseok and Namjoon really helped him.
He manages one chapter per day and feels invincible.
Jeongguk works equally as much and perhaps even harder. He returns home late and tired, and sometimes, he can get Taehyung to have dinner with him; sometimes, it's the other way around, and other times, they are both too tired to even talk.
It's not a lot, and only one morning after Taehyung was up half of the night to write, he awakes way too early when Jeongguk climbs over him to get ready, feeling extremely clingy. The deprivation of touch and affection seems to catch up to him.
"Hey, sorry," Jeongguk whispers, standing next to the bed but still leaning over Taehyung, "Didn't mean to wake you up. Go back to sleep, okay?" He brushes Taehyung's hair out of his eyes, traces his fingers down his forehead and the side of his face. Taehyung pouts sleepily.
"D'you have to go to work?" he mumbles. Jeongguk lets out an endeared chuckle.
"Yeah... unfortunately."
Taehyung whines and wraps his arms around Jeongguk's neck. The younger kisses his lips.
"Right now? Can't we cuddle a bit first?"
Jeongguk halts.
"Yes," he says right away, "Yes, of course we can... scoot over."
He lies where Taehyung was before and pulls him close. As he holds him as tightly as possible and kisses the top of his head every now and then, Taehyung realizes that Jeongguk missed this, too. He sighs happily and lets another wave of sleep engulf him.
When he wakes up a few hours later around noon, Jeongguk is long gone, but Taehyung has received a message from him.
Love you baby. How about I get some takeout after work and we have dinner together?
Taehyung smiles brightly. His heart flutters in his chest.
Sounds very good!! I miss you :(
Jeongguk replies after another while.
It's a date! Miss you too
Taehyung forces himself to get out of bed and get ready, has breakfast and way too much coffee to get him going, then he sits in front of his laptop again.
About half an hour passes before he realizes that he hasn't heard of Yoongi in a while. The last time was through Jimin, and that was already... a week ago? Maybe more? Taehyung has lost all track of time.
Perhaps he should just give Yoongi a quick call to check up on him.
It takes the man a while to pick up.
"Hello?"
"Hyung." Taehyung smiles. "It's Taehyung."
"I know. Everything alright?"
"That's what I wanted to ask you, actually. Haven't heard of you in a while."
Yoongi is quiet for a moment.
"Oh," he says, "Uh, yeah, sure. I'm... yeah."
"I've been working on the book quite a lot," Taehyung tells him, "It's going quite well. Especially now that I've talked to Hoseok-ssi and Namjoon-ssi the other day." He turns in his office chair. "You knew that, right?"
"What?"
Taehyung's heart drops. "Uh, I... didn't Jimin tell you he... Jimin gave me their contacts so I could talk to them. For the... for the book. Didn't he tell you?"
Shit, Taehyung thinks, Shit shit shit, of course he didn't tell him, shit.
Yoongi makes a pained noise. "He — you... what?" he repeats. Taehyung frowns.
"I'm sorry, I thought he told you."
"Well, no, he didn't," Yoongi spits, "Obviously he didn't. Fuck. I can't believe this."
Great. Now it's Taehyung's fault that Yoongi is mad at Jimin. He glances at his laptop.
"I could come over today," he suggests, "You know, to work on the book some more. I still... have some questions."
Yoongi is quiet for a few moments. He sighs loudly.
"Fine, yeah, come over. Just... whenever, I don't care. I'm home anyway."
Taehyung is sure he has never heard him this mad. He nibbles at his bottom lip.
"Okay. I'll see you in a bit, hyung."
"Yeah, whatever."
Yoongi hangs up first.
Taehyung lowers his phone with a sigh.
He arrives at Yoongi's in the afternoon. Yoongi looks tired and angry still. Taehyung smiles reluctantly and follows him into the apartment.
It's only his second time here, he realizes. Weird.
Yoongi sits down on the couch with a heavy breath; Taehyung sits next to him with some distance and a lot calmer.
There is a shelf next to the couch that he didn't notice last time. Some books are in there, decoration, photo albums and even a picture frame holding a photograph. A group photo. Taehyung feels like the earth opened up beneath him to swallow him whole when he realizes it's a photo of the five friends — Seokjin, Hoseok, Namjoon, Yoongi and Jimin.
Hoseok is holding the camera, one eye closed and a big smile on his face. Seokjin stands just behind him, grinning, and then there are Yoongi and Namjoon standing next to each other and Jimin behind them, his arms wrapped around their shoulders and his cheek pressed against Yoongi's. They look so close. They look so happy.
"Don't... don't look at that!" Yoongi hisses and jumps up, grabs the picture frame and puts it face down. His cheeks burn red when he sits down again.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude," Taehyung apologizes quickly, feeling a little breathless. Yoongi just huffs.
"Whatever. I don't even know why it's still on there."
Taehyung doesn't think before he speaks. "Maybe because it's still important to you."
Yoongi glares at him. "Don't talk about it! We're just going to... pretend it doesn't exist, okay? I don't want to talk about them."
Taehyung knows who he means. He sighs. "Hyung..." he starts carefully, "I'm... sorry I met up with Hoseok and Namjoon. I didn't think it would hurt you so much and... I also thought Jimin had told you about it."
"Well, he didn't!" Yoongi snaps, then, slowly, the fight leaves him. He sighs. "He didn't. He knew I wouldn't like it."
"He just wanted to help."
"But not like that!"
Yeah, it's true, perhaps not like that. Yet, talking to Hoseok and Namjoon had given him so much insight that he couldn't be mad about it.
"Where is Jimin now?" he tries to ease the tension. Yoongi exhales loudly.
"At work. He'll be here in, like, two hours or whatever." He crosses his arms in front of his chest and for a moment, he looks like a pouting child. Then, after a while, his face relaxes a bit.
"What... did they tell you?" he asks almost shyly, "What did they say about me?"
Taehyung has to be honest.
"We talked about you and Jimin," he says, "About... your relationship. And how all of you met. And... your diagnosis."
Yoongi contorts his face. "I changed my mind, I don't want to hear it." He looks down at his lap. "It's probably nothing Hoseok hasn't yelled at me before."
Taehyung swallows heavily. "Probably."
He looks around the apartment again, spots another picture frame next to the TV; a photo of Yoongi and Jimin. Taehyung prays he will one day experience the day when they will look that happy again. Now, they look like mere shadows of their former selves.
"So," Yoongi breaks the silence, "What do you want to talk about today?"
Oh, right. Taehyung has to ask question. He takes his book out of his bag just to win more time and scrolls through it.
He stops at the drawing Yoongi made a while ago. Just the sight of it sends shivers down his spine again. Suddenly, he remembers what he saw in the staircase, and nausea bubbles in his stomach.
"Is there... a pattern when you see them?" he asks before he can stop himself, "Like... a reason. Something that triggers it?"
Yoongi scrunches up his nose in thought. Slowly, he shakes his head.
"Not that I'd know. They are there, like, all the time."
"Is there one here right now?"
Yoongi nods once, then points over at the table. Taehyung doesn't see it.
"Are they aggressive today?" he asks.
"No, it's fine," Yoongi says, "I think I can talk about them."
Taehyung looks down at the drawing. "So... you don't know why they are here? I know, we've talked about this before, but I just want to understand. It seems so bizarre that they'd just appear one day and... threaten you."
Yoongi stares ahead, blankly.
"I've thought about it a lot," he says, "I... I think they want me dead."
So much has been apparent for a while, yet this is the first time he has said it out loud. Taehyung closes his eyes. It pains him to hear Yoongi talk like that.
"Why do they want you dead?" he asks, his voice breaking slightly, "You didn't do anything."
"I killed Seokjin," Yoongi says with trembling confidence, "I think... they want to revenge him."
And it makes sense that he thinks that. But why, why did Taehyung see them, too?
The dread is making him feel ready to throw up.
He doesn't even realize he is shaking his head until Yoongi calls him out.
"I'm not lying," he scoffs, "Not you, too."
"What?"
"You can't think I'm a liar. You're the only one who believes me."
"I believe you," Taehyung is quick to say, "I believe you, don't worry." And that, too, is the first time he has said it out loud and this confidently. Yoongi blinks at him.
"Good," he says, quietly, "I think... I think this is just the calm before the storm."
"What do you mean?" Taehyung turns a few pages until he finds a blank page.
Yoongi stares over at the table again, as if to make sure the creature wasn't going to attack him for talking.
"Well," he says, "Ever since your visit, it's been oddly calm. I was on edge for a while and so was Jimin and we expected the worst to happen, but... they mostly stay away. And honestly, that freaks me out more than anything."
"Maybe they're giving up," Taehyung says, sounding too hopeful for his own liking, "Maybe they're disappearing."
But Yoongi shakes his head. "No, I don't think so. I think it'll happen soon."
"What?"
"You know what." Yoongi softly glares at him. Taehyung's throat runs dry. It can't be.
"Yoongi..." he says slowly. There must be a way to change all of this, right? They can't just be... at mercy like that.
"Tell me about Seokjin."
And perhaps Taehyung is just scared for himself. Maybe he doesn't know what it means for him when it happens. Maybe, just maybe he is lucky and he can't really see them, maybe he just imagined them, his stupid, stupid fantasy. But it's just a maybe, and then, there would still be Yoongi.
"Where should I start?" Yoongi chuckles. "He, well... he was one of the best people I've ever known." He nods slowly. "That about sums him up. He was my best friend. A kind person, always listening. He made everyone laugh first, then took care of himself. He didn't let people in easily. I think... it was a privilege to be his close friend. Something that all of us realized too late."
Taehyung figures that most people only recognize the value of a person once they're gone.
"And he was super smart and mature. Not too mature. Just... emotionally. I think he just really wanted the people he loved to be okay. That's all. He probably didn't take enough care of himself, which is why he had us to remind him at times. He was the one to urge me to make a move on Jimin because he couldn't stand us staring at each other from across the room anymore. He was truly... something."
"I would have loved to meet him," Taehyung says and means it.
"You would have gotten along really well," Yoongi tells him, then grows more serious. "I miss him a lot. God. That's why I never talk about him. I just... still feel so guilty, after all this time."
Taehyung would love to reach out and put his hand on Yoongi's shoulder as comfort, but he is sure the elder wouldn't like it. Instead, he just says, "It's okay, it takes time."
Yoongi breathes through deeply. He nods slowly, then turns his head to face Taehyung.
"Is there... anything else you want to know? Any other questions?"
Taehyung almost forgot. He looks down at his book.
"Actually," he says, "I didn't have any real questions. I pretty much have all the information I need, I think. I just wanted to check up on you, really."
Yoongi's face falls. For a split second, Taehyung believes he is going to start crying, but Yoongi just blinks at him, taken aback.
"Oh," he says, "Oh, that's... uh, nice. No one's done that in a while. We don't... really know any people anymore."
Taehyung shrugs, tries to make it seem like it's nothing. "Don't worry about it. That's what friends do, right?"
And for the first time, Yoongi seems genuinely relieved and happy. "Yeah, I suppose."
The door opens. Jimin must be early, or perhaps more time passed by than they noticed.
"Hyung, I'm back!" he calls from the door, and right away, Yoongi tenses up, his face darkening. It's not a sight Taehyung ever thought he would see, and not one he wanted to see. He now more than ever wishes he had just stayed quiet earlier.
"I was allowed to clock out earlier today... gotta stay longer tomorro — oh, Taehyungie!" He smiles brightly at the visitor and comes over to the couch. Somehow, he looks even more tired than usual, yet cheerful as always. Taehyung's heart aches.
"Hey, Jimin," he greets quietly and forces a smile.
"I didn't know you would come, hyung didn't say anything." Jimin stops next to Yoongi, cards his fingers through his hair and leans down to kiss him; Yoongi turns his head away.
Jimin halts, frowns. He kisses Yoongi's cheek instead, then straightens up as if nothing happens, yet the confusion and hurt is clear on his face.
When he moves his hand to Yoongi's shoulder instead, Yoongi shrugs it off and gets up instead. Jimin stares at him as he crosses the room to go to the kitchen, perhaps just to get away from him.
"Yoongi?" he asks carefully, and suddenly, Taehyung feels completely out of place. He gets up, too, but stays where he is while Jimin takes a few steps towards Yoongi.
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" Yoongi shouts, "Well, I don't know — perhaps you telling Taehyung to talk to Namjoon and Hoseok about me? Did that ever cross your mind?"
Jimin pales visibly. He swallows. "I — hyung, that's—" He shakes his head. Taehyung feels the sudden urge to jump in and help, he made a mistake, too, after all, but Yoongi is quicker.
"How could you?" he asks, and only now becomes it apparent how hurt he really is, "What made you think that reaching out to Hoseok and Namjoon was a good idea that wouldn't backfire? And why didn't you even tell me?"
Jimin looks like he is about to cry. He glances at Taehyung who can't do more than say sorry with his eyes and hope that Jimin gets it.
"I... wanted to help you, but I knew that you get mad at me..."
"Yeah, for valid reasons!"
"I just wanted to help you!" Jimin cries.
"Jimin, Hoseok hates me!" Yoongi shouts back, "He hates me! How could you?"
"I just wanted to help," Jimin repeats, "That's all I ever want. For you to be okay. I worry about you, hyung, and I wanted to help!"
"You were there when he said it," Yoongi says, "When he told me he wished I had been the one behind the steering wheel."
"But he didn't mean it..."
"How could you say that?"
And now, Yoongi is crying, too, loudly so. He tries to hide his face behind his arm.
"Baby, please," Jimin begs, "I'm sorry, I really am. I thought it made sense if Taehyung talked to them and got to know them. I didn't think twice about it, I really didn't."
"But you've always been on their side," Yoongi cries, "I know that you don't believe me. I see it in your eyes, every day, and it hurts so fucking much that you would go behind my back to have them tell my story instead of me, from their distorted standpoint."
"That wasn't my intention..."
"But it's what happened, so fucking own up to it!"
"I am, I'm sorry! I'm just worrying about you—"
"Maybe you should stop being so goddamn worried about me for one fucking second and think about the consequences of your actions!"
Jimin gasps for air. Taehyung's eyes widen. Maybe this was his cue to leave.
"You don't mean that," Jimin says a lot quieter. Yoongi huffs.
"I do mean that. You're the most fucking important person in my life, but you're so worried all the time that I sometimes don't even know who you fucking are anymore!"
It is awful to see them both hurt like that. Taehyung wants to get away, go, go far away, press his hands to his ears and never listen again.
His phone vibrates and he checks it. His heart stops beating for a moment.
Forget about it.
That's the last message Jeongguk sent him just now. Besides that, there are about ten more, and six missed calls. It's already late. Later than expected.
Baby, I'm omw home now. What do you want to eat?
Okay I'll just choose lol
Got your favorite anyway haha
Ur not home?? Pls lmk when ur getting here so I can make sure the food stays warm
Taehyung I called you like three times already where are you??
Baby I'm worried now I hope everything is okay...
My messages are still coming through so I assume you're alright?? Please call me asap
Okay still no answers hahah thanks
The food is cold I just want to know if you're alright
Are you mad at me?
Forget about it.
Taehyung feels as awful as never before. He glances at Jimin and then at Yoongi, then he grabs his stuff.
"I have to go," he manages to say before he is out the door. He isn't sure if they replied anything; he isn't even sure if they heard him at all.
As he sprints downstairs he calls Jeongguk.
After a few rings he answers.
"Hyung."
"Baby," Taehyung gasps as he reaches the door and pushes it open, "I'm so sorry, fuck, I swear—"
The monotonous peeping tells him that Jeongguk hung up on him. Taehyung curses, then sprints to the next bus stop only to realize that there won't be another one coming for fifteen minutes. So, he calls a taxi, already internally cringing at the money it'll cost that he doesn't have. But, fuck it. He has to get to Jeongguk as fast as possible. He tells the taxi driver to stop one block away from his house, as if that would make any difference, then runs down the street. He isn't sure if the tears in his eyes come from the wind or the guilt he feels.
Once he reaches the apartment and has unlocked the door, he calls for Jeongguk.
"Baby? Oh my God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I swear, Jeongguk, I lost all track of time—"
Jeongguk sits at the table, completely still. He doesn't look at Taehyung. His expression is unreadable, but it always is when he is hurt or mad or frustrated.
The table is still set, their food ready to be eaten. He didn't even touch his own. Taehyung feels ready to cry.
"I'm sorry," he says again and steps closer, "I'm sorry I forgot."
"So, you did forget," Jeongguk says. He sighs. "Where were you, then?"
Taehyung has a feeling that Jeongguk already knows. That somehow, he knows. There is no use in lying.
No more secrets.
"At Yoongi's."
The pain that flashes across Jeongguk's face is the most heartbreaking thing Taehyung has ever witnessed. He is ready to drop to his knees then and there and beg for forgiveness if it meant Jeongguk would never be in such pain ever again.
"Why..." Jeongguk says, sounding like he wants to say more but is unable to do so. Taehyung stays quiet. It doesn't feel like his place to speak now.
Jeongguk breathes slowly, deeply, obviously trying hard not to cry. He closes his beautiful, reddened eyes for a moment; the tears betray him and spill over anyway and he wipes them away angrily.
"Why were you there?"
Taehyung's mouth runs so dry, for a moment he thinks he will not be able to speak. He runs his tongue across his lips.
"I wanted to check up on him," he says, his voice sounding raspier than expected, "See if he's alright."
Jeongguk hums and gets up. "I hope you could help," he says as restrained as possible, then turns away and is about to walk to the bedroom.
"Jeongguk," Taehyung says quickly, "Wait, please—"
"What for?" Jeongguk snaps at him, "What do you expect from me?"
"To listen, please," Taehyung begs, "Just one second."
"No!" Jeongguk loses his composure more and more by the minute. "I don't know what to do anymore. Every time we make up you go around and do the same shit over again. I'm sick of your apologies. Just stop it!"
Taehyung can't.
"I was worried about Yoongi—"
"I don't want to hear it!"
"— because I haven't heard from him in a while and I think he is doing worse. I just wanted to help him, that's all. He's my friend, after all, and I have to be there for him, right? I'm scared for his safety, I worry about him—"
"Taehyung, are you even listening to yourself?"
He thinks he is. Right? He must be. Taehyung just stares at Jeongguk.
"I don't want to hear it because it doesn't fucking matter! That's not the point! If that were the case then you could have just texted me to tell me that you'll be here later, that something came up, and that would have been fine, but no, you ignored me for hours, made me worry my ass off, and then it just turns out that you were hanging out with Yoongi for who knows how long and completely forgot that I existed! That's my fucking problem, that you keep prioritizing Yoongi over me and our relationship and even yourself!"
Taehyung shakes his head, it can't be, it's not true.
"And you don't even realize it!" Jeongguk almost laughs. "What is going on with you?"
"I... nothing, I..." He struggles to find the right words — any words at all. "I can't help it."
Jeongguk frowns. "You can't help it? What, are you suddenly in love with Yoongi or what? Why can't you help it?"
Taehyung's eyes widen. "What — no! Jeongguk, I love you—"
"I don't feel it."
It shouldn't take Taehyung aback. It shouldn't knock the breath out of his lungs that Jeongguk said that.
"What do you mean?" he whispers, "Of course I love you."
"Just because you kiss me sometimes and lie next to me at night doesn't mean that I can feel your love," Jeongguk argues, "I know that we've been a bit more distant over the past few days and that's okay because sometimes it just is like that. We were both busy and that was okay. But this morning I got the feeling that it upsets you just as much as it upsets me and I thought spending some time together would be nice. I really wanted to try because hell, I'm not perfect either, I make mistakes, too, and I can't expect you to better yourself and then do nothing myself.
"So, I thought a date would be nice, even if it's a shitty one because that's all we can afford and fit into our schedule, it was fine with me because really, all I wanted was to be a bit closer to you again and make you feel loved and feel loved in return.
"And then I had a really shitty day at work, and all I could think about was seeing you tonight. It made everything more bearable because it always does. And I was so, so excited for this stupid fucking date and then I walk into our apartment and you're not here and you're not responding to my calls and it turns out that you just forgot. You just... didn't care enough. You thought someone else was more important than me — hell, even than letting me know what was going on. You didn't care about this fucking date, like, at all. So, no, Taehyung, I don't feel your love at all."
Taehyung is too broken to cry. He just stares at Jeongguk, at the tears that run down the man's cheeks and then collect at his chin. He looks so beautiful in the moonlight, even though he is crying and angry.
"Jeongguk..."
"I'm tired of the back and forth, hyung," Jeongguk says, "If a simple book is enough to break us then I'm not sure if we were meant to be at all."
Taehyung's heart skips one, two, three beats, and for a moment, he feels like falling.
"Don't break up with me," he sobs, "You can't. You wouldn't mean it. We can fix this. I can. I'll do better, I swear, I promise—"
Jeongguk shakes his head. He obviously doesn't want to hear it, but it's all that Taehyung can say. He can't lose Jeongguk. He just can't — it would hurt more than anything, more than a hundred gun wounds. Someone could rip his soul out and tear it into pieces and losing Jeongguk would still hurt more.
"You're the love of my life, Jeongguk," Taehyung cries. Jeongguk makes a pained noise.
"Ever since you started writing the book, we've done merely more than fighting. I feel like this brings out the worst side in us."
"If we make it through, nothing will ever break us, and we know that we're meant to be."
"I don't know if I want to make it through this."
"Jeongguk—"
"It's just a book, Taehyung!"
Taehyung shakes his head. The tears blur his vision. "It's not... it's not just a book."
Jeongguk stares incredulously. Taehyung just keeps on shaking his head, as if that would make his point more convincing.
"It's not just a book," he whispers, "I can't explain it to you, not yet anyway, but this not just a book anymore."
I see them, too. It's on the tip of his tongue. He would just have to say it out loud, just open his mouth, breathe through, move his lips. I see them, too, Jeongguk. They're real.
But an all too bitter part of Taehyung knows that Jeongguk wouldn't believe him.
"You can't explain it," Jeongguk says, so resentfully it makes Taehyung shiver, "Unbelievable."
"Jeongguk—"
"Just... drop it, Taehyung. I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone for now, okay?"
Then, he turns away and walks into the bedroom, and Taehyung doesn't stop him.
As soon as the door falls shut, he drops to his knees and cries. He tries to be quiet, but he is too far gone to know if he succeeds. He cries and cries until he is about to pass out from exhaustion, then he drags himself over to the couch. Just when he sits down, a movement in the corner of his eye catches his attention. His breath hitches in his throat and his eyes widen.
All he can see is long limps, sharp nails and teeth that could rip his throat out. He hears screeching, louder than his own panicked breathing as he falls to the ground and backs away to the wall until he hits a vase and knocks it over. It breaks; there is soil everywhere.
Just when the hands are about to reach him, Taehyung squeezes his eyes shut so he doesn't have to stare into the toe-curling, white eyes. The touch never reaches him.
His heart races until it's painful. He feels unreal, his entire body is weak and his bones could very well not be there. He dares to open his eyes again just to find the living room empty. Yet, he keeps on sitting there, not daring to get up and walk to the couch. He doesn't trust his legs enough to carry him. He doesn't trust anything of him enough.
It feels like hours have passed — very likely only a few minutes — when the bedroom door opens. Taehyung winces, but it's just Jeongguk. He holds Taehyung's sleeping shirt and throws it over the couch. When he glances at Taehyung and sees the broken vase, he frowns a bit, but then he turns away and returns to the bedroom.
Taehyung still feels too breathless, and now his stomach clenches. He is sure he is going to faint — he feels like. His body can't handle this. It just... can't.
It seems like the walls are closing in on him, everything is disappearing in dark and black and white and Taehyung doesn't feel real anymore.
It takes him forever to get up and, with trembling knees, drag himself to the couch. He changes as quickly as possible, then lies down, his eyes wide and facing the room. He can't believe this. He can't believe this. No. This can't be happening.
He lies there, stiff and unmoving, until his muscles hurt from being so tense. About an hour passes until the initial shock leaves his body so much that it can be replaced by a proper reaction.
Taehyung cries.
His head hurts from dehydration and exhaustion. Eventually, between three and four in the morning, he passes out.
Every time he startles awake, he has fresh tears on his cheeks.
An.: please, if you can and want to, leave me a comment so i know what you guys think of this story...