(A/N) I'm back and (still not) better than ever! In case you're too lazy to go back and read the last chapter...
Go back and read the last chapter.
For a 17 year old, I'd seen more trauma than most would in their entire lives.
I'd seen parents say their final goodbyes to their children, survivors receive the dreaded news that they weren't as strong as they'd thought, and witnessed unquantifiable amounts of tears and heartbroken cries from those I loved - but none of it could possibly have compared to this.
None of it could ever erase Cassie's distressing cries and chilling words that would be forever engraved into my mind.
Low and incoherent, her helpless pleading was the only thing I could hear, the repeated chant like a mantra she couldn't survive without saying. Her tone was raspy and breathless, as though she'd already spoken the words a thousand times before, begging for mercy from a mental creation while tears streamed down her panic-stricken face. "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone..." she murmured incoherently, her continuous rambling amplifying my consternation.
Sitting up with a start, my brain tried to wake up after the sudden interruption to my sleep, causing me to momentarily forget that Cassie was leaning against me until her body slumped into my chest as a result of my movement. Wrapping my arm around her to support her slumped body, I anxiously ruminated over what to do, internally debating on whether to wake her up or hope that she would naturally awake herself.
A few of her tears seeped into the material of my hoodie while I brushed back the curls that had fallen onto her face, until at last her lips abruptly ceased their repeated phrase and her tears slowed to a gradual stop. Her cheeks were flushed from crying, their soft pink a stark contrast to the pastel blue of my fingertips as I cleared away the last of her curls from her face. Her eyelashes fluttered every few moments as though she was about to open her eyes, only for them to return to their still position and keep Cassie imprisoned in her slumber.
She's okay now Romeo, I thought to myself as I held her frail body in my arms, reminded of how frightened I had been for her mere seconds ago. Cassie had told me she didn't want to sleep, and yet it had never crossed my mind that she might have had a reason as grave as this.
For someone who supposedly knew everything about her, there was a lot I still didn't know.
When I first saw her, I expected to meet the picture-perfect girl I'd heard so much about, not discover a completely new perspective that I could never have anticipated. It never occurred to me that I would be holding her on a platform in the London Underground past 3 o'clock in the morning, wiping away her tears after she had sobbed in her sleep; but I suppose fate had its reasons. Whatever they were, I hoped fate could somehow justify the immense pain Cassie was still undergoing in her sleep.
Although appearing calm, the only sign that there was some sort of inner turmoil beneath her surface was the look of utter torment etched across her face, entailed so subtly into her expression but clear enough for me to notice. All of her facial features were tensed: her lips slightly pursed, her eyebrows partially furrowed and her jaw taut; even the extra lines in the corner of her eyes revealed a glint of the terror she was immersed in.
And then before I could even finish my observation, Cassie began to tremble in my arms, her entire body shaking with trepidation as she ducked her head into my chest. My soul shattered to pieces when she began to whimper quietly, tearless cries pouring from her lips as she attempted to hide from an unseen adversary by leaning further into me. Whether she was conscious of her actions, I didn't know, but I was certain that whatever state she was in was harming her immensely and was bound to have negative repercussions.
I should probably wake her up, I decided at last, unable to bear the sound of her heart-piercing cries any longer. "Cassie..." I called out her name softly, overcome with guilt when she flinched at my voice and pulled away from me, relying solely on own her strength to hold herself together. "Cassie, please-" I began, but she began mumbling again, her words incomprehensible as they came out in frantic gasps of breath while her entire body continued shaking vehemently.
I didn't know what to do.
Waking her up was clearly no longer an option since my attempt had only ended up increasing her anguish, but leaving her asleep would cause more harm than good. Catch-22, I thought wryly to myself, debating over which of the impossible options I should take: I didn't want to hurt her, but both leaving her to sleep and waking her up left no choice for me not to.
In the midst of my internal conflict, I hadn't noticed when Cassie's hands began to trail up towards her neck until her low wails and whimpers became more and more panicked, drawing my attention to her frenetic state:
Her body was fighting against itself.
Thrashing against an invisible enemy, Cassie was kicking and twisting as though someone was attacking her, squirming hysterically while pained cries spilled from her lips. It was a wonder how she hadn't woken herself up as she continued to wrestle in her sleep, and I could do nothing but watch in pure agony when I caught sight of what she was doing to her neck.
Red, angry lines burned across her skin as she dug her nails into the flesh of her neck, like she was attempting to pry off hands tightened around her throat. If she continued I feared she would cut through her skin, since it was already pink with irritation and her nails were incessant with their scratching. "What do I do...?" I whispered aloud to myself, lifting my hands to hold her own and stop her but then dropping them again instantly as my doubts overcame me.
"Romeo," she wheezed out, her hands still clawing at her neck as she writhed in her seat. "Romeo please-" she gasped, her breaths strained and winded as she remained trapped in the imprisonment of her sleep. "You don't... I thought..."
Distressed and confused, I finally found the courage to grab hold of her wrists and stop her from dragging her nails down her neck, blaring bright crimson as a result of Cassie's self-inflicted torture. I was sure she would awake any moment due to her shortness of breath and continuous movement, resembling the beginning of an intense panic attack.
And then she started screaming. Manic and neurotic, her torturing shriek bounced off the walls, reverberating through station as the echoes enhanced the utter torment plaguing her. Her eyes burst open as she sat up suddenly, hyperventilating while her eyes searched around frantically, scanning across our empty surroundings.
"Cass it's okay, you're okay," I soothed as her tear-filled eyes met mine, a frightened look in her hazel orbs as she stared at me like I was a monster. "I'm right here Cass, I'm here."
"I-is t-this..." she stuttered out between her frantic breaths as the tears began to overflow, "Is t-this real?"
"It's real Cassie, it's real," I confirmed, giving her hands a squeeze in reassurance as her tears fell even harder, "I'm here with you Cassie, it's okay."
Sobbing uncontrollably, Cassie pulled her hands out of my grasp as she leaned away from me, ducking her head down so that her curls were shielding her face from my view. "I-I don't want you to see me like this," she whimpered, her words spaced out as she tried to steady her erratic breathing. "I d-don't want you to see me... to see me break down."
I didn't even know how to reply, or what to say, or whether to even bother with offering words of comfort after such a heart-breaking statement.
Cassie stumbled to her feet, taking staggered steps towards the train tracks before she fell to her knees, shaking profusely while she cried into her hands. "I- I can't do this Romeo, I just- I can't take it a-anymore."
Standing up, I opened my mouth to speak a worthless phrase but closed it again, lost for what words to say when witnessing someone fall apart. Cassie's armour proved useless against her mental ammunition, and I could only watch helplessly as the foundations of her strength dissolved and she crumbled before me.
The high-pitched screech of train wheels against the metal tracks couldn't have been any worse timed, as the flicker of an oncoming train light flashed through the tunnel. I wished I'd been more attentive to what was truly important: the warning uttered by the girl now searching for a means to end her pain. Within seconds of glancing up to welcome the noise of the oncoming train, I'd let my eyes wander away from Cassie, a mistake that nearly proved fatal.
One second she was blubbering with overwhelming sadness, and the next she was back on her feet, edging nearer and nearer to the train edge with a determined speed in her stumbling stride. She could barely hold herself up, and yet her desire to end her pain seemed to overpower the current affliction she was in as I watched her proceed closer to a drop that would ultimately end in her death.
Within moments I was by her side, grabbing onto her wrist as I pulled her back in my chest, the two of us nearly toppling back from the vast momentum. Determined, Cassie broke out of my hold, inching back past the yellow line before I was forced to wrap my arms around her waist to hold her in place. Everything seemed to happen so quickly as I held Cassie despite her prolific protesting, her arms stretched out towards the train tracks as though she might be able to catch hold of her preferred choice of death.
"Let. Go. Of. Me," she seethed, thrashing about in my arms as her legs stretched out towards the platform edge and her hair fell into my face during her attempts to get closer. My arms had never felt weaker than in that moment as I ignored the aching through my bones and kept my grip tight despite the steady burning in my lungs returning after my transient moment of peace. Her breaths were wild and chaotic, accompanied by the tears cascading down her cheeks and flailing arms that were resolute on breaking free from my grasp.
"I'm not letting you do this," I whispered in her ear, my throat feeling tight as I fought back my own tears at the sight of the broken girl fighting against me, "I can't let you kill yourself Cassie. I can't."
Incessantly, she continued to try and get out of my hold until her body could continue no longer, slumping against me with a breathless cry while the train swiftly passed by, the rumble of the continuing carriages unable to drown out the sound of the sobs racking through Cassie's entire body. "W-why wouldn't- you should've- you should've let go," she blubbered, slowly turning around in my arms so she could learn against me, all of her strength gone after her extensive episode. "I-I don't w-want to be here Romeo. Y-you don't get to make that ch- that choice for me."
She leaned her head against my chest as her frame sagged onto me, her body falling limp as I held her up with only my sole strength to support us. We stood for an eternity as she cried relentlessly into my hoodie, until her breathing began to fall steady and her body stopped shaking as the last of her tears dropped. I held her tight, murmuring soothing words while hugging her close to me as I prayed and hoped to squeeze her broken pieces back together.
Gently, she pulled away from my body as she used the sleeve of her jumper to wipe away the last of her tears, before I titled her head up so her eyes would meet mine. Her hazel eyes looked drained and dull, utterly exhausted as their stared back empty at me. The green flecks no longer provided the vibrancy they usually did, seeming to blend into the brown while her glassy eyes gave off nothing but melancholy.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," she muttered quietly, her voice hoarse and scratchy from the crying. "I wasn't- I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay Cass, it's okay," I silenced her apology, leaning forward to rest my forehead against hers as I held both her small hands in mine. "You never have to apologise for the way your mind works, okay?"
She glanced down, her eyes filling with tears as she leaned away from me while shaking her head. "It's my fault though;" she insisted, her voice breaking as she wiped away a lone tear. "I shouldn't have put you through that and I'm sorry-"
"You shouldn't have had to go through it in the first place," I interrupted, a firm edge to my voice as I hoped to halt Cassie's doubts. "Yes, I was absolutely terrified for you, but you had it ten times worse Cass; you were the one going through it. If anything... I should be sorry."
She stayed silent for a while, staring down at our connected hands before murmuring softly, so frail that it took a few seconds to register her words in my mind. "I wish you just let me die Romeo... I wish you didn't fight for me."
"I had to fight for you," I began slowly, trying to keep my voice stable as I blinked back unfallen tears, "And I will continue to fight for you, until someday you untie the rope from your hands, and you learn that you can save yourself."
"But what it someday never comes?" she questioned, leaning her forehead back against mine with a dejected sigh. "Why not make all this easier and just... let me die?"
I inhaled sharply at her bluntness, closing my eyes for a brief moment as I contemplated over a reply. "Because if you died Cassie, and I knew that I had been able to stop you... I think it would kill me too."
Releasing my hands, she wrapped her arms around my neck after my reply, pulling me closer to her as a wordless thank you. "Besides," I smiled, relieved at the lessening sadness in her gaze, "We can't be cliché like Romeo and Juliet now, can we?"
She let out a laugh: a beautiful carefree laugh as a sanguine smile spread across her face, and in that moment, I knew that in the end, despite all odds... she would get through this. She'll be okay.
(A/N) It's been a month and a day and I'm here again!
And I'm great and life is awesome and my mental health is soaring high and I've honestly never felt better and everything is now amazing after this break I took!
Being serious though, it did help, and I am actually better than I was before. I'm not digging into the earth's core anymore, just slowly climbing up from rock bottom and stumbling along the journey.
Thank you to everyone for all your kind messages, they all helped me so much and really meant a lot to me.
- T.R. ❤️