this was not supposed to turn out this heartbreaking but along the way it kind of did.
~
Namjoon-ssi, Hoseok-ssi,
You don't know me, have very likely never heard of me before, but here I am, contacting you because of an urgent matter. My name is Kim Taehyung. I am a 25-year-old freelance author based in Seoul. Currently, I am working on a book about a friend of yours, Min Yoongi. He recently approached me and asked me to write about his mental health and his struggles ever since the accident; I'm sure you are aware of what I'm referring to. Yesterday, I met with Park Jimin, and he proposed that I could contact you and perhaps meet up to talk about your view on the matter. It would help me and my work a lot. Please get back to me and let me know if and when you are free.
Regards,
Kim Taehyung
It's a warm day; Taehyung doesn't even need a jacket when he leaves the house, and the pants he is wearing are loose and wide. He just needs some fresh air. The walls of his apartment felt like they were closing in on him. Taehyung wanted to escape for a while, so now he is walking through the streets of downtown Seoul.
Business people are rushing past him, hectically talking on the phone, students walk to the nearest bus stop to get to class, people go shopping, carry their bags around, stop in the middle of the sidewalk and make the person behind them curse at them.
Taehyung takes his time.
He slows down in front of an antique shop to look at the things in the display window, considers entering but quickly decides against it as his heart would only ache at the sight of the pretty stuff he wouldn't be able to buy. The sidewalk gets more and more crowded, so eventually Taehyung takes a turn left into an empty alleyway.
It's a lot quieter here, so immediately Taehyung feels at ease. He rarely ever is here, sticks to the main streets and the promenade, but he quickly realizes that he quite likes it.
The power lines are hanging low, the sun barely manages to shine through the high houses with crumbling facades. Some shops are closed and empty.
This part of the city has a special charm to it and Taehyung loves it. To him, there is hardly anything more calming and at the same time fascinating than walking through a town and allowing for it to sink in.
He walks past a pub that can hardly be recognized as one. The building looks ailing, the door that's opened reveals a dark interior and dim lights. Taehyung can't help but take the sight in, then spots a little sign right next to the entrance.
STAFF WANTED
A smile finds its way to his lips as he approaches the door.
The air inside is typically stifling for such a place. Most tables are empty considering it's just past lunch time; a lonely bartender stands behind the bar, cleaning glasses at an excruciatingly slow pace.
Taehyung presses his bag against his chest and walks over to the bar.
"Uh, hello?" he says. The bartender, an old, hunched man, looks at him. "Hi. Excuse me, I... my name is Kim Taehyung. I saw the sign outside? I'm... looking for a job."
The bartender frowns. "A job? Here?"
Taehyung nods once, trying to keep up his optimistic demeanor.
"The sign... it says that you're looking for staff."
He thinks of Jeongguk. Wonders if he would like this.
The bartender raises his brows and sets down the glass with a sigh. He walks over to the backdoor.
"Yah, Jangmi!" he calls, "There is someone here!"
A few moments pass, then an elderly woman appears, hectically turning around the corner. She spots Taehyung, then looks back at the man, clearly confused.
"He's looking for a job," the man tells her, voice rough. Taehyung's cheeks hurt from smiling.
"A job?" the lady asks, then her face lights up, "Oh, how wonderful!"
She urges Taehyung to sit down at one of the tables, then she follows him with two papers in her hand. Turns out that they've been looking for staff for a while now — she and her husband are both old already — but no one who isn't a regular ever really passes the pub. She isn't bothered by Taehyung's lack of experience when it comes to gastronomy; it's easy, she promises him, and he will learn fast. The pay is not too bad, either; neither is it perfect, but it's something.
Hopefully, Jeongguk will be proud.
When he entered the pub, he did not expect to immediately be offered a job, but when Taehyung leaves and makes his way back home, he is holding a registration in his hands. Now, the smile on his lips feels more genuine than ever.
Once he is home again, he puts the registration on the table. His eyes fall on his laptop; for a while, he forgot about the email he wrote this morning, but now it comes back to him. He moves the mouse and the laptop lights up.
There is a new email. He sent his to both Hoseok's and Namjoon's email addresses, but this one was just sent by Namjoon. He opens it.
Taehyung-ssi, it says,
We're willing to answer any questions you have. Would you like to meet up tomorrow around 4pm at Hangang Park? Text me if it's alright with you: xxx-xxxx-xxx.
Kim Namjoon
Taehyung quickly grabs his phone, saves the number. He thinks for a moment before he actually texts Namjoon; he still hasn't talked to Jeongguk about this. How was he supposed to? But still, it feels wrong.
He has to talk to him, tonight. Not only about the meeting; about everything. God, he misses him already.
Hello Namjoon-ssi, this is Taehyung. Tomorrow sounds good. See you at Hangang Park.
It's only early in the afternoon and Taehyung has more time to kill. Perhaps taking care of the household will busy him for a while. He has nothing else to do, anyway.
The only good thing about Taehyung being home all the time is that the apartment is usually quite clean and tidy. He vacuums although he doesn't have to, cleans the kitchen and the bathroom. When the afternoon shifts into evening, he sits on the bedroom floor and does the laundry. His thoughts are with Jeongguk as they always are; he knows the younger must be home any minute, and it's making him more nervous than he expected. He prepared what he wants to say a million times now, over and over again, but nothing seems right.
Hey, Jeongguk. I'm sorry for lying about seeing Jimin. He told me he wanted to apologize and I wanted to hear him out. I didn't tell you because I was scared you were going to get mad at me and try to stop me. My plan was to tell Jimin that I won't write the book but that didn't work out. I just couldn't tell him. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
It's the truth, but it doesn't feel like enough. Taehyung sits still for a moment, one of Jeongguk's shirts in his hands, and presses it against his chest with a sigh. The familiar, comforting scent of cologne and sweat and Jeongguk fills his nostrils.
He loves him, he loves him so much, and he is scared of losing him. Even more than that, though, he doesn't want to keep hurting Jeongguk. He knows that fights are inevitable, has never been naive enough to believe that they are, but recently the two of them don't seem to be able to get along for more than a couple of days at a time. And it's all Taehyung's fault — at least it feels like that.
He is so lost in thought that he doesn't even hear the apartment door being unlocked and Jeongguk entering. It doesn't help that Jeongguk stays quiet and doesn't call out his usual greeting, so when suddenly, he stands in the doorway to their bedroom and clears his throat, Taehyung flinches violently and turns around. These days, he tends to be a bit jumpier.
Jeongguk looks apologetic. "Sorry," he says. In his hands, he holds a paper — it takes Taehyung a moment to realize that it's the registration he left on the table.
"Hey," he says quietly, staying where he is seated on the floor. Jeongguk reads through the paper again, lips pressed together.
"Uh, what is... what is this?"
Taehyung swallows heavily. "A job registration."
Jeongguk hums. For a few moments, he stands there, leaning against the doorframe and staring at the paper. His expression is unreadable, and for a second, Taehyung is sure that he still somehow managed to fuck this up. Perhaps Jeongguk doesn't like the job. Or he didn't want Taehyung to go out and look for a job at all, which is ridiculous, he knows that, but —
His thoughts come to an abrupt end when Jeongguk sinks down to his knees next to him, putting the paper on their bed and looking at Taehyung with big eyes. He gives a tight smile.
"I'm proud of you."
It takes such a load off of Taehyung's mind, he visibly slouches.
"I'm so sorry," he breathes, "I'm sorry for lying to you about Jimin. That was so stupid. I know I can trust you, but I was so scared you were going to get mad at me. I fucked up, I know that. I'm so stupid."
"Hey, it's okay," Jeongguk says gently, "I'm not going to lie, it hurt a lot. But I think I get it. I... probably would have tried to stop you if you'd told me." He sighs, takes one of Taehyung's hands in his. "But that doesn't mean that you can lie to me. If there is one thing we've learned after dating for so long then it's that we have to be honest with each other. I know that, you know that. You shouldn't feel so comfortable lying to me, especially not over something so stupid."
Taehyung nods, his bottom lip trembling dangerously. He always gets emotional too fast.
"I know, I'm sorry," he whispers, "I won't do it again."
"No more secrets?" Jeongguk asks.
"No more secrets," Taehyung agrees with a nod. Jeongguk smiles softly, then he pulls Taehyung closer until he is sitting on his lap and wraps his arms around him. Taehyung twines his own around Jeongguk's neck and hides his face against his shoulder.
"I love you," he sobs, "I love you so much. I'm sorry."
"Shh, it's okay, baby," Jeongguk soothes him, "I love you, too." His voice is shaking and tearful. Taehyung tangles his fingers in his hair and tries to hold him as close as possible, so close he can feel his heartbeat against his own chest.
After a while, Jeongguk pushes him away just enough to kiss him, and Taehyung accepts it hungrily.
It's later when they're making dinner together that Taehyung remembers one more thing.
"Hey, uh, by the way," he starts as he cuts a bell pepper, "I'm going to meet up with Namjoon and Hoseok tomorrow." He feels Jeongguk's eyes on him. "They're... friends of Yoongi and Jimin."
Jeongguk looks at him for a few more moments, then he focuses back on cooking the meat. "Alright," he says eventually and really sounds like it is, "Thanks for telling me. Just... just be careful, yeah? Call me if anything happens."
Taehyung nods, smiles gratefully. "I will."
It's the next day, almost 4pm. Taehyung is early. He has already texted Namjoon to let him know where he is; he replied that they'll be there soon.
Now, Taehyung does feel a bit nervous, and he doesn't even know why. He isn't usually shy about meeting new people.
Last night when he couldn't immediately sleep and today after Jeongguk went to work, he spent his time thinking of questions he could ask Namjoon and Hoseok. There is so much he wants to know, so he made a list. He tightly holds his notebook with both hands.
Two men walk down the path, one tall and dressed in wide vintage clothes, the other one about Taehyung's height, wearing modern, bright clothes. The latter spots Taehyung and smiles widely; Taehyung raises one hand and waves.
"Hello! You must be Taehyung," the shorter guy says and bows his head; so does the other. Taehyung returns the polite gesture.
"Yes, that's me." He eyes both of them.
"I'm Kim Namjoon," the taller guy says, "And, well. That's Jung Hoseok."
Namjoon has a friendly, round face with equally round lips and a round button nose. The look in his eyes is soft, especially when he looks at Hoseok, and when he shows his tightlipped smile, dimples appear on his cheeks.
Hoseok is quite the opposite of him. Where Namjoon's face is round and soft, Hoseok's is long and sharp, with just the right edges that make him look like he could be someone special. You can tell that he takes good care of himself. He smiles with his eyes wide and heart-shaped lips.
"It's nice to meet you," Taehyung says to both of them.
Hoseok suggests they could walk around the park for a while, probably to ease the awkwardness, and Taehyung is more than happy about it. Taehyung finds out that Namjoon is 26 and an aspiring doctor and Hoseok is 27 and works as a guidance counselor, though he frowns when he says that.
"It wasn't my best idea to study sociology," he says as if that explains anything.
Eventually, they sit down at a picnic table, Taehyung opposite of the other two men.
"So," Namjoon picks up the conversation again, "You are a writer, huh?"
Taehyung nods. "Yeah, you could kind of say that. I, uh, have an online blog. Nothing too fancy."
"Don't talk yourself down like that," Hoseok says with a soft smile, "I'm sure it's good."
Taehyung shrugs. "I haven't reached a lot yet, but... I'm working on it. I used to be a journalist but that wasn't really my thing." He plays with his pen. "I... uh... I wrote down a couple of questions for today... kind of as a guideline. Perhaps that'll help me." He glances at Hoseok and Namjoon. "Yoongi hyung approached me a couple of weeks ago to ask me if I could write about... him. And his condition."
Namjoon sighs. "Ah. The man himself, huh?" He looks at Hoseok, but said man just stares ahead with pursed lips.
"Let's get this over with," Hoseok says, voice suddenly void of any emotion. Taehyung nods quickly.
"Okay, okay. Uhm... so, you all were friends at some point, right? Jimin, Yoongi, Seokjin and you two. How did you meet?"
Hoseok doesn't look like he is going to reply any time soon, so Namjoon takes over.
"Yoongi hyung and Seokjin hyung were already friends before we met them," he says, "They used to be roommates back in university, like, ten years ago and became friends really quickly. And then... Hoseok hyung here worked together with Seokjin at a restaurant near campus. See," Namjoon chuckles, "Seokjin and Yoongi discovered this old, abandoned factory in the woods. They used to hang out there a lot and explored the place and did all kinds of shit you do when you're in university — get high, get drunk, spray paint the walls. The factory isn't connected to the road anymore, so the police never checks the area. It's kind of perfect. And when Seokjin found out that Hoseok liked exploring lost places just as much as he did, he invited him to hang out with them. I just met Yoongi hyung at an event on campus and we got along quite well, so he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends. It's not quite as spectacular."
Taehyung can hardly imagine a world in which Yoongi is just another normal man, a student living his live, meeting new people, going out, smoking weed and getting drunk, doing stupid shit so he can say that he's lived his youth a few years down the line.
"And Jimin..." Namjoon adds, "I met him at a birthday party after we all already graduated. I had just turned 24, so he... it was shortly before his 23rd birthday. We talked and he mentioned how he had lost all of his close friends because of a breakup that had happened a few weeks prior. Jimin is really likable. I... haven't properly talked to him in a while, but he used to have this charm that he wrapped everyone around his finger with. I didn't hesitate to ask him to hang out with us, and the others loved him right away, too."
"Especially Yoongi," Hoseok mutters. Namjoon chuckles.
"Yeah, especially Yoongi."
Taehyung feels a bittersweet warmth in his stomach. "How were they back then? I mean... I can only imagine how strong their bond must have been considering they're still... together."
"They were disgustingly whipped for each other," Hoseok says, and for the first time since they've sat down he doesn't sound like he tries to fuel his every word with the hatred he carries inside of him, "They grew close quite fast. But it was different from the bond between Seokjin and Yoongi. They were best friends. Jimin and Yoongi... it has always been different."
"They made out at Hoseok hyung's birthday party," Namjoon says with a cheeky grin and Hoseok groans loudly.
"Ugh, don't remind me! They were all over each other." He frowns, then sighs. "It was kind of cute, though. The way they took care of each other without making it too obvious, the secret glances, shy touches... it was just a matter of time."
"Honestly, we were all surprised that they never officially started dating," Namjoon says, "They behaved like a couple, they were together all the time, they just didn't want to label it."
"It makes sense, though," Hoseok adds, "Yoongi hyung didn't want to date and Jimin was scared that his past experiences would repeat themselves. He didn't want to lose all of us in case they would break up. And besides, it worked out without having to label it anything."
"Yoongi was a very loving person," Namjoon says, and Taehyung mildly flinches at the past tense he uses, "He never showed it openly, rather through secret gestures. Jimin helped him break out of his shell. They share some interests, but personality wise they're rather opposites. Perhaps that's why they fit so well. They love equally strong."
Hoseok huffs at that. Taehyung shoots him a careful glance.
"They're still like that," he says, "They're... damaged, but they try to keep loving. I mean, they're all that they have left."
His words render the two men speechless, at least for a couple of moments.
"I still remember when we were in the hospital," Namjoon slowly says, and that alone manages to shift the mood. "We were waiting for Yoongi hyung to come out of surgery. None of us knew what had happened, we didn't even know... we didn't know about Seokjin yet. And no doctor could tell us if Yoongi was in a stable condition. So, we just waited... and Jimin, he... I think he had a panic attack."
Hoseok is quick to shake his head. He is staring at the wood of the table with a look in his eyes that makes it seem as if he isn't even aware of it.
"He dissociated, that's different. I think he doesn't even remember it anymore. And then, he just cried, but he tried to make sure we're okay, so much so that we had to sit him down and hold him there to make sure he wasn't going to drive himself insane. He has always been overly caring and clingy, and I'm convinced that's the only reason he is staying with Yoongi right now."
"Hoseok—" Namjoon tries, but Hoseok interrupts him with a tone as sharp as daggers.
"No, you know that hyung doesn't deserve him. Jimin visits Seokjin hyung's memorial once a week. I know it because he leaves flowers with a little note every damn time. Do you think Yoongi has gone there even once? Jimin even told you hyung rarely ever leaves the house anymore. Do you really think he gives a single damn about Seokjin?"
Taehyung narrows his eyes. The question that burns on his tongue is, Why do you think he doesn't deserve Jimin? because it goes so much against everything he has witnessed himself, but he knows there is something smarter to ask.
"Why are you not friends anymore?"
Hoseok halts. He glances at Taehyung, almost suspiciously so, then he lowers his eyes. Namjoon clenches his jaw.
"They had a fight," he says quietly, "Hoseok and Yoongi."
It makes sense. Jimin just worded it nicer.
Namjoon waits for Hoseok to tell the story, and when he doesn't, he continues.
"It was after the accident... a few days after Yoongi was released from the hospital. We went over to his apartment to hang out, check up on him... but it escalated. Hoseok hyung... he..." He stops, keeping his eyes on Hoseok as if he was waiting for him to give permission. It seems to be a sensitive topic, so Taehyung quickly tries to change the subject.
"And... what do you think about his diagnosis? He doesn't think it's true," he asks instead.
"Well, I do think it's true. He just doesn't want to realize it. He has the diagnosis, after all... I don't know why his meds are not working. Perhaps he needs a higher dosage—"
"Bullshit," Hoseok interrupts him, "Who knows if he even takes them. He is nuts, that's all. Anyway, I'm not falling for it. Of course he has schizophrenia, and if he finally accepted that, he would receive proper help. The doctors said he has it, his mother has it — perhaps it's inherited, who knows."
His harsh words almost make Taehyung miss his last sentence. It pains him how someone could speak so cruelly about their former friend. A glance at Namjoon tells him that he feels similar.
"What... what was that?" he then asks once he regains his composure, "His mother has schizophrenia?"
"He didn't tell you?" Hoseok scoffs. "Of course he didn't."
Namjoon quickly jumps in as he senses how worked up Hoseok is getting.
"She was diagnosed with schizophrenia three years ago and is extremely mentally unstable. It must be very bad. Yoongi hyung never really talked about it and hasn't visited his family in years. They live in Daegu. They even offered him to move back in with them after the accident because they have the proper medical knowledge to take care of him, but he refused. I don't know why. Perhaps it makes his own condition seem more real, I... I really have no idea."
Taehyung furrows his brows in horror. "He... cut ties with his family because of that? How could he do that?"
It seems truly cruel. He guesses Yoongi has his reasons, but Taehyung can't help but judge the elder for his decision. His own relationship to his parents is not the best simply because of who he is and what career choices he made; he wishes they liked him enough to invite him over to live with them, or just stay with them for a while to escape his life for a moment. Instead, they made him move out as soon as possible and he has hardly spoken to them since. He could never have broken off the contact if one of his parents had had a mental illness.
"That's horrible," he mumbles, more to himself than to the others.
Hoseok chuckles dryly.
"Yeah. Not the only bad decision Yoongi has made in his life."
Taehyung frowns. "What do you mean?"
He has a presentiment about what's going to happen next. Namjoon looks like he is holding his breath, avoiding Taehyung's eyes and instead staring down at his folded hands. Something dark blinks in Hoseok's eyes.
"If he had stopped Seokjin from driving that night," he says, his voice trembling from the hurt he carries with his words, "If he hadn't gotten into the car with him and instead just tried a little harder, none of this would have happened."
And then, everything makes sense.
He blames Yoongi. Hoseok blames Yoongi for Seokjin's death.
Taehyung is speechless.
He thought Yoongi was ridden by guilt and grief when he told Taehyung that others blamed him for the accident, and perhaps he is — but it's the truth.
"What..." Taehyung mumbles, "But... he tried. He said he did. What was he supposed to do?"
"Well, obviously not get in the car and allow Seokjin to drive!" Hoseok snaps, "He was shitfaced. Yoongi was at least only a little drunk. Fuck, he could have driven the car for all I know!"
Taehyung ignores the unintentional meaning behind his words — Yoongi should have been the one behind the wheel. Yoongi should have died. — and instead says, "But he tried to get Seokjin to let him drive the car. He refused. I don't think Yoongi could have just pulled him out of there."
"Why not?" Hoseok's cheeks are flushed and his neck starts to redden in patches. He breathes heavily. "Why could he not have done that? And, besides, how do you know what went down?"
"Yoongi told me," Taehyung says as subdued as never before.
Hoseok chuckles dryly. "Of course he did. He is the only one who was there. Because the other person is dead."
Silence ensues. Taehyung feels a lump in his throat, so big it makes him feel nauseous. He glances at Namjoon, sees the pained expression on his face — something is not right here. But the man stays quiet.
Hoseok sighs and rubs his face. "I'm sorry," he says, "I — I get too worked up about this. Seokjin was... he was very important to me. I miss him." He pauses, his face contorting. "Fuck, I miss him so much."
He presses his fingers against his eyes, but the tears are already wetting his cheeks. Namjoon puts an arm around his shoulder to comfort him, silently soothing him.
"It's been, what? Eight months? Nine? I should be over it by now, fuck."
Taehyung shakes his head. "No, you shouldn't. Grief doesn't have an expiration date."
It manages to make Hoseok smile weakly. "Sometimes it still feels wrong. The whole world is moving on and I'm just... stuck."
"I'm sure it only seems like that," Taehyung helps, Namjoon nodding in agreement, "People deal with grief differently. Some keep it inside and others do it loudly. There is no manual to grieving. Everyone has to learn how to live with the pain themselves."
Hoseok lowers his head, as if he was suddenly embarrassed by his tears.
"It will get easier with time," Taehyung promises.
"Maybe I don't want it to get easier," Hoseok retorts, "I don't want him to fade away."
"He won't," Namjoon jumps in, rubbing Hoseok's back, "Not with how much we love him."
Hoseok breaks down. Namjoon pulls him close so he can hide his face against Namjoon's neck. Taehyung's heart aches. Suddenly, he feels awfully out of place. Maybe he should leave them alone, give them some space. This must have been tiring for them.
"I should get going," he says quietly, "Uh, thank you for your time. You really helped me." He grabs his back, puts his notebook and pen away, then awkwardly stands there. Namjoon gives him a soft smile.
"Good luck with your book, Taehyung-ssi."
Taehyung nods, a tightlipped smile on his lips. He turns away, but before he can walk away, something else crosses his mind.
"Uh, I'm not sure if it's okay for me to ask this, but... can I know where Kim Seokjin's memorial is?"
Namjoon raises his eyebrows, taken aback. After a short moment of hesitation he nods and gives him the address. Taehyung thanks him again, bows his head, then he leaves.
It's late when he arrives at the memorial. He told Jeongguk he wouldn't be gone for too long, but now it's already past eight.
There is a photo at Seokjin's memorial, along with a flower bouquet with a little note that must be Jimin's, and a few candles and single roses.
Kim Seokjin was a beautiful man. Strong eyebrows, soft lips, sharp eyes. He is hardly smiling on the photograph, yet he looks friendly and gentle. Taehyung imagines what he must have been like.
Caring. Perhaps a bit reserved about his own feelings — if Taehyung remembers correctly, then Seokjin was the oldest among his friends. He wonders if he had a good sense of humor, how he liked to dress, if he was emotional. Probably. Otherwise he wouldn't have gotten drunk upon seeing his ex girlfriend with someone else.
It hurts to look at the picture. A weird hollowness fills Taehyung, one that always comes whenever he visits memorials or the graveyard. Apart from his grandmother, no one close to him ever passed away. And it's been years, but Taehyung still mourns her and even cries from time to time.
Kim Seokjin had his own life, he had dreams and goals, he got excited over small things and got frustrated over others and he was a living human being, and now he was gone, and nothing could bring him back.
In a way, Taehyung understands Hoseok. It's hard to comprehend the concept of death, so clinging to something else to direct one's anger and frustration and grief at seems plausible. It's still unfair, and Taehyung wishes Yoongi wasn't the one to suffer from it.
He remembers Jimin calling Seokjin the glue that held it all together. Now, after everything he learned today, Taehyung thinks of him more as a time bomb that finally went up and hurt everyone around him. But even that seems too romanticized.
Simply put, he wasn't supposed to leave; he wasn't supposed to die so young and certainly not like that, so now everything around him is out of balance and going to shit.
He doesn't stay long, lights up a candle he bought at the entrance and leaves it next to Jimin's flower bouquet. Taehyung is not religious and doesn't know if Seokjin was, yet he folds his hand and sends up a quick prayer, then he leaves.
Outside, it's dark. He takes the bus home and it starts raining.
When he arrives at the apartment, all the lights are turned off already. He checks the bedroom only to find Jeongguk fast asleep.
Dinner is standing on the table, cold. A note lies next to it.
Text me next time you're late. Eat up. Love you.
an.: no i will NOT let them rest for one chapter what do you mean
ps.: i wanted to update this earlier but i had to take care of my other stories :( i'm sorry