THEN
I was in my Economics class, my eyes glazed over and staring at the professor. At the start of class, he had introduced me to the students there but I had no idea what he had said. Quickly, he had dismissed me and relieved me from the torture.
I could feel L and M staring at me alternatively. I was cozy in my corner, beside the wall and in my own bubble. My thoughts were chasing each other. There had always been a few given things in my life. My father’s hatred. My mother’s helplessness against him. My sister’s solidarity despite the popularity. Always, always, she had chosen me above all her friends.
It had been the reason school had been fun for me. To know I belonged with somebody there. But all of a sudden now, she seemed to have chosen someone other than me.
‘Go away, Jeni.’
The words were a weak echo of her real voice but the pain was too real and just as clear as the moment she had uttered them. The chuckles of her ‘friends’ as my sister humiliated me still resonated in my ears. I swallowed again, pushing the wedge down my throat just like I had then.
I had run away from there, quickly and abruptly. Barely ten steps later, she had caught up with me, grabbing my arm and turning me forcibly. Honestly, I had expected her to apologise but it seems she was determined to confuse me.
“What did you talk with him?”
If anything, that had been the most painful moment. Knowing my sister was not any longer her. The one person I knew was my friend. It was difficult to believe. She can’t be like the idiots who laughed at others misery. Lallu was above that. She would never choose a guy, a crush, above her blood.
“With whom?” I asked, wanting some time to gather my thoughts.
“Don’t act with me, Janu. What did you talk with him? Did you tell him about- about,” she looked around nervously, “him?”
Him. He was Lallu’s one bad secret. He was Lallu’s one huge regret. I had been shocked beyond belief that she would think I would speak with Karthick about that.
“Why would you think that?” I had asked vehemently, “How would I do that to you when I know you have a crush on him?”
Lallu had shushed me hurriedly. “Do you need to broadcast it to the world?”
I had shrunk from her anger. Lallu never got angry on me.
“I mistakenly sat on his seat and a kind person told me not to. Then he came along and I left to another seat. He asked my name but-”
“He spoke with you?!”
I had nodded despite the offending tone of shock and surprise.
“What did you tell him?” she had asked suspiciously. Why was she being this way?
“Don’t you know me, Lallu? I couldn’t speak. He is too- too- goodlooking.”
“He is, isn’t he?” she had asked dreamily. I had waited. Now that we had finished talking about what she had wanted to know, maybe now she would explain what she had done.
But Lallu had continued to surprise me. “Look, I will talk to you at home. Got to go. See you.”
She had rushed off like the social butterfly she was.
It was like she was rushing off right before my eyes when I glanced at the clock above the professor’s head. Class was almost over and it was history next. I did not fancy the talk with L and M in the intermittent walk to the History classroom. I was worried they would say ‘we told you.’
The bell rang, dispelling my thoughts and making my stomach churn nervously. I had walked in at the last possible moment to avoid any questions. I had yet to make my mind up of what to tell them.
Keenly avoiding their gazes, I kept my books in my bag as slow as feasible without being obvious. When both L and M were ready, waiting for me at the door and it was impossible to delay anymore, I hefted my bag on to my shoulder. Dragging my feet I finally reached them.
“History is this way,” said M softly. I nodded and followed. When we were almost at the classroom, M whispered, “J?”
Oh no, here it was. Gulping I lifted my head up to face her. It happened so fast, I did not realize what was going on until I was released. My stunned face is not pretty, believe me. But M did not seem to think so. Staring at me dead in my eye, she said, “Cheer up, okay?”
And then it sunk in. That I had been hugged for the first time by someone other than my mother and sister. I quickly pushed the thought of Lallu aside.
“Okay,” I mumbled, feeling the ball bob with my words.
“Oh you poor dear,” muttered L and before I knew it, she had pulled me in to a tight hug too. Tears pushed forth and I tried hard to fight them. It just was not done to cry. But my ducts did not listen and since water took the path of least resistance, my cheeks were wet in no time. A small squeal later, M joined us and I found myself in a group hug.
Was this how people with many friends felt all the time? It was no wonder they were always smiling. Dear God, why did these two girls accept me so quickly? I was nothing really.
“Hob- hob did I-I pind you dwo?” I blubbered.
M laughed, “I can’t believe I understood that.”
L caressed my hair, “However did we find you, you mean?”
I hiccupped and dug my face in my palms. A blast of a ringing bell accosted our senses and we jumped collectively.
“Oh no! We are late.” M grabbed my arm and dragged me behind her while L quickly ran ahead and opened the door.
“Excuse us, sir,” said L breathlessly just as we caught up. The class was filled with people. There was bound to be seventy-five of them, four in a row, seated like in an opera theatre, seats steadily ascending.
I rushed behind my friends and settled down in the last but one row, just in time for the professor to pick his attendance register. Quickly drinking some water, I calmed myself down. My head was a lot clearer post the lunch break. Corking the bottle, I bent and placed it near my foot. But then you can’t have eye problems and also perfect balance. The bottle flopped over the step we were sitting on and started leaking water in some stranger’s bag.
I hurriedly ducked and pulled the bottle to my feet. I was straightening up when the professor called, “Janani.”
Unthinkingly I sat up straight, or tried to and hit the table so hard with the back of my head that it went up a few centimeters accompanied by the largest bang ever. My skull felt like it was cleaved in to two by an axe.
Groggily, I sat up, feeling dizzy from pain, my hand cupping my head.
“Brezent, zir,” I wobbled. There was a split second pause and suddenly the entire class burst in to unrestrained laughter.
“Are you alright?” L’s voice of concern only made me feel even more embarrassed. Dear God, could she not have one normal day in college? To think this was her first day. Swallowing, I said thickly, through tears of pain and humiliation, “Yes, L, thank you.”
The professor called for order and the class quieted down, save for a few coughs and chuckles. I rubbed the back of my head, wincing at the huge ball lodged on my skull.
“Does it hurt too much?” a foreign, yet familiar voice asked me.
I tried to turn to stare but it was too much effort with a throbbing head. “No,” I said, just gazing at the man from the side of my right eye.
“So you do have a tongue.”
Did anybody know that concussion and blushing is a bad combination? I did then.
I stuck my tongue out and he chuckled. “Janani, huh?”
I ducked my head, hoping he would stop talking to me. His beauty was making my eyes water. Or was it the pain? I did not know.
“Karthick,” the professor called but the person with said name did not respond. He was too busy staring at me. My right cheek was practically on fire. L and M were whispering beside me.
“Why is he staring so much?” L was asking.
“Karthick.”
“Do you see him? He is not even blinking.” M responded.
“Karthick.”
“Sshh,” I said, sure that he could hear them.
“KARTHICK,” the professor screamed and I felt his gaze break as he snapped out of his trance. My head reverberated with pain from the excessive noise.
“Present, sir,” he said confidently, quickly changing his gaze to me. I tried to avert my gaze from his but he held mine, staring deep. All the blushing was giving me head rush.
“Are you really?” the professor asked caustically.
Karthick swiveled his eyes from mine and stared at the professor. There was a moment of unease before the man backed off and mumbled under his breath. He proceeded with the attendance and I quickly turned my head to M.
“Why are we sitting here?” I whispered.
“We sit in the fifth row usually. We were late and the seats are taken.”
I sighed. I would not have to bear with the stares from the next class. They were annoying, unnerving and… exciting. It was too much for me.
“Lakshana.”
“Present sir,” L sang in the monotonous tune we all adapted and looked at me. “We will be in time from tomorrow.”
Her eyes landed behind me and I gathered he was still staring. I did not feel animosity or curiosity from him. Like in the morning, he was gazing at me with… with interest. I had never seen anyone look at me like that. Like he thought I was precious beyond belief. Like I was the only person worth his attention. It was heady and I couldn’t break our connection.
“Lalitha.”
“Present, sir.”
My head snapped in the direction of the voice and I felt my eyes bug out, for in the front sat Lallu, her murderous stare locked in my eyes. It was obvious she had seen Karthick’s interest in me.
Abruptly I felt like I had bought myself an enemy.