I could hear arguments before I even got to my front door and a cold shiver ran down my spine as I prepared myself for what I was about to get. When I opened the door Jax stood before me rooting through my moms bag frantically looking for something.
"Where is it whore?" Jax screamed at her through drunken aggression.
Mom crouched down on the floor with a tear stained face, wiping away the dripping mascara with the sleeve of her dirty blouse.
"I don't have any, you took it." She cried out.
With a big force Jax threw the bag at her, hitting her square in the face and making her sob harder. I knew this was my time to step in before he used his fists next time.
"Don't speak to her like that." I threw the first punch, colliding with Jax's eye, he stumbled backwards but I think that was more due to the alcohol consumption rather than the force of my fist.
"You think you're the big man, do you?"
Jax grabbed a glass bottle from the side, he smashed it against the wood and held the jaggared point sharp in my direction. I flinched backwards trying to avoid his attack but he swiped the skin of my collarbone, I think he was aiming for my neck. Blood trickled out of me but that didn't stop him taking another swipe. This time I avoided the glass. He dropped it to the floor, shattering it at our feet and then threw his fist into my face, hard.
Jax left the house, leaving me and mom alone.
"Are you okay?" I asked mom gently as I could see she was still upset.
"We let you live here, don't forget that. You disrespect me, you disrespect Jax. You're a piece of shit." As I clutched my bleeding neck and panted through my anger I just couldn't help but feel broken from her words. I didn't even reply, I just left shutting out the world in the discomfort of my own bedroom.
I hate the person looking back at me in the mirror, the marks on my body tell a story I don't want to ever be told. Yet I look every time. I take pictures, every time. There's no love here, I need to leave.
***
One.
My feet take me past the houses, I don't know where I'm going but I have to keep walking. I know what I want but I can not have it.
Two.
With every house I pass, things get a little easier.
Three. Four. Five.
The street is quiet in the dead of night, street lamps are lit dimly allowing light to lead a path towards her. A path I seem to be following. Every house on the street looked normal, well cared for with maintained gardens and ideal little mail boxes with personalised flags or names. They looked 'homey' and welcoming. Mine looked like trash because that is exactly what it was.
Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
I don't know why I'm walking to her house again but I know what I'll do when I get there, I just need to be closer to her. She's all I can think of lately and sitting next to her has brought back all of these memories of the few times I felt happiness and safety. That's what I needed right now.
Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen.
Almost there, I can see the light of her bedroom and the purple drapes that hang either side of her window. I let my mind wander to what she's doing in there, probably full from a big dinner that she shared with her family, sat around a table together engaging in conversation about each others day.
Fourteen. Fifteen.
Fifteen houses separated us and I stood outside of hers, the perfectly clean, white wooden exterior with a delightful path made from little circular shrubs that housed pink flowers leading up to a black front door. It was idyllic. I tugged on the handle of the back gate, it was never locked so I let myself in.
Olivia's garden was familiar to me, not much had changed since I was little except some new patio furniture but the tree house still stood tall at the rear and I felt the overwhelming urge to climb up into it. The cedar planks were nailed into the bark and were sanded to allow for a smooth grasp and as I climbed higher and higher the nostalgia drowned out any thoughts of Jax or mom. I called inside and inhaled the wooden scent, allowing it to calm all of the demons inside of me.
In here it was just her and me. No parents. No abuse. Just two kids playing games and laughing together. In here I didn't feel hunger or fear. I didn't feel judged or lonely. This was my safe space and after all this time it still feels like a wooden bubble of safety, miles above the abomination of the ground.
My fingers traced over the drawings on the wall, made with crayon and pinned up with masking tape. Pictures of her, pictures of me, pictures of animals. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my friendship bracelet, the one she made me when we were about five. And I held tightly as I remembered making the promises to her, swearing in my heart to never break them. I failed.
I always failed. I'm useless and worthless and she's better off not knowing me. That is why I treat her like shit even though it is really hard. Tucking my bracelet away I climb back down, knowing I can't stay too long because I can't risk getting caught.
***
I hid my scratch behind my t.shirt, lucky that it sat right below the collar line. This morning I got into another altercation with Jax because I refused to buy him beer with the paycheck I earned from the arcade. He threw the remote at my head but I managed to get out the door pretty unscathed otherwise. He just makes my life a living hell and I don't know how much longer I can cope with it. Thanks to Jax I was now going into school in a foul mood which never works out good for me.
Hey, it's ruby. You wanna hook up?
Finally a distraction, I was losing my mind during the first periods with the intruding thoughts of Jax and his temper so Ruby's text was most welcome.
Meet me by the principal's office. Hurry up.
I grabbed the spare key from my locker I had it made when idiot Jenkins left me alone with his key on the desk during detention. Now I use his office whenever I know he's not around. When I got to the office Ruby was leaning against the wall, looking desperate. I always avoided her because she was very hansy and that honestly made me uncomfortable. She threw herself too hard and was the type to get clingy. But I didn't have the time to wait for someone else, I needed the distraction now.
Ruby had pin straight hair, it was unnatural and white blonde. She was type of girl who was afraid to eat anything other than salad and was honestly quite full of herself. Her skit could mimic a belt and her t.shirt barely covered her chest. She tried hard. She stood up instantaneously when she spotted me and started twirling her hair in a sickeningly flirty way.
I ignored her and instead fumbled with the key in the lock. When I tried the door I had locked it which confused me because I knew Jenkins wasn't around.
"He must have forgot to lock it." I told Ruby as I turned the key one more time to open the door.
I knew the ins and outs of this office, I should do I've been here enough. The smell of mahogany wood polish invaded my nostrils reminding me of all of my deliquences. A smile tugs at my lips when I see the happy family photo placed diligently on his desk, how fake those smiles are when he's off hiring hookers every weekend with his kids college fund. Ruby threw her hands over me.
Shit.
I wasn't expecting that touch so soon and now my whole body is frozen in fear, I try to breathe through my misery and regain myself. Don't let the darkness win Liam. I threw my lips onto hers, making out with her as a way to distract my inner feelings.
Our lips locked roughly as I took what I needed and her tongue invaded my space, filling my mouth with the vile taste of desperateness. Her hands moved around my body and I loathed every second. I needed to get this over and done with so I moved her backwards towards the desk. She mumbled something to me but I wasn't listening because I was so focused on her leaving marks on my skin like burns that turned to boils.
I pulled back from the kiss, thank God that was over and I freed my manhood, wrapped it up and told her to take off her panties. She did as she was told tucking them inside the pocket of my leather jacket. I felt a little uncomfortable with them being there but I didn't say anything. She tried to lay down on the desk but I pulled her upright and shoved it in quickly. She was very appreciative of my motion straight away expressing her pleasure through loud vocals, almost as if it wasn't a real reaction. But either way I didn't care, this wasn't about her.
"kiss... me." She said through a whole bunch of sexual groans.
I ignored her, no way was I kissing her hungry lips again. Once was more than enough. After a few more thrusts I pulled away, releasing my tension and leaving it inside of her.
"Thanks, catch ya later." I said, leaving quickly before she could say anything else. I was so done with her and I hoped to God she was done with me.