*THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS TRIGGER MOMENTS OF SUICIDE, SO IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE READING PLEASE SKIP WHEN IT SAYS "2 YEARS AGO"*
*ESPIAN*
I was broken inside like shattered glass. There was an aching pain that lingered in me that was not easy to control. I've been awake for about an hour as I stared at the window while my tears rivered down my cheeks. The morning was gloomy, perfect for how I felt. Troy spent the night with me but even his warmth wasn't mending the wounds that cut deep into me.
I lifted my wrist as I touched the infliction I caused myself after the death of my brother and mother. I closed my eyes as I saw the traumatizing day of how I found my brother, lifeless in the tub as he bled his pain away. As of today we still don't know exactly why my brother went through depression and anxiety. He never talked about his pain, as a matter of fact before his depression he was always happy and full of life but then darkness took over. He was two years younger than me. He was 14 and I was 16 when this painful event happened. I sure don't ever want to return to that dark place I had buried myself into.
I gently touched my wound as I could still feel the sting of agony and my cry for help. My dad tried to help me but it was painful to even talk. Shane spent most of his time with me after the tragic event, that's why our falling has opened a wound that I worked so hard to close.
"What happened on your wrist?" Troy pulled me closer to him as he kissed my neck.
"I think you know what happened, isn't it obvious by now. I'm pretty sure my dad told you what happened," the words I spoke hurt as my heart broke into a million pieces but I held my tears.
"He did tell me but not what happened on your wrist, was it after what happened with your mom and brother?" His voice whispered in my ear as it soothed me.
"Yeah I was in so much pain that my anxiety peaked, everything hurt. I would get panic attacks, I wouldn't eat, and I would take painkillers to ease my pain but that didn't help. My dad took me to a psychiatrist but all they did was drug me with medicine. But my pain was still there, slowly ripping me apart," I heard his breathing as I closed my eyes.
I don't take any medicine at the moment, swimming for me was my medication because it washed all those bad memories and helped cleanse my tainted soul that suffered from an everlasting pain.
"I'm sorry you went through that, how can I help your pain to go away?" He held me tight into his strong arms and warm body.
"I read an article that revisiting a painful memory helps ease the soul, let me tell you what happened that day of my brother's death," I turned around as I gazed into his dreamy gray eyes, his beautiful lips and his sharp Grecian face.
"I'm here and I'm listening," his words were like an injection of hope and tranquility. I caressed his face as he closed his eyes.
"Two years..."
*TWO YEARS AGO*
My brother's depression has gotten severe as we kept a close eye on him. One day my parents couldn't get out of work. I had to go to school and they couldn't get out of work, the only solution we had was to leave my brother alone for a couple of hours. He slept most of the time so I told my parents that I'll ask if I could leave early. My teachers and principal knew about my brother's condition that they let me go home early.
My school wasn't far from our house, maybe a 20-minute walk so I ran home, while I was running I felt a prick inside me. It was a painful stab that felt like a part of me died. I stopped to gasp for air. I heard a cry for help but I didn't know where it was coming from. I glanced behind me as the neighborhood was silent. I finally caught my breath and continued running home.
As I got closer to home, the pain increased as my wrist stung like a knife was going through them. I opened the door and dropped my backpack on the floor. I shut the door as an uncomfortable silence surrounded the atmosphere. Darkness took over as I walked upstairs. My heart paced as my hands got sweaty. I felt sweat form on my forehead. I saw my brother's door wide open as my heart dropped. I ran inside his room and he wasn't there. I saw his blanket by the door leading to the bathroom.
I heard the water running as steam was coming out of the cracked door. "Ares?!" No answer.
I slowly walked towards the door as I swallowed hard. I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest as I slowly pushed the door open. The bathroom was full of steam when I noticed my brother's body inside the tub and the floor was a puddle of blood. I ran over and immediately turned off the water. "Ares, Ares!" I gently slapped his face but he wasn't responding. I took him out of the tub as I pulled the towel that was hanging by the toilet. I saw a small knife on the floor as my heart stung with pain.
I covered him but his body was lifeless. His skin was a pasty blue and his lips were purple. I noticed his wrist were slit as the blood kept pouring out. "No, no, no!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I held my brother's limp body. I held him in my arms as I cried my eyes out. "Why, Ares, why?! We could've helped you," but he didn't move and I was paralyzed. My body went into complete shock.
I held my brother until my parents got home. My dad had to pull me off my brother as I kicked and screamed. My mother fainted when she saw my brother's lifeless body on the floor. My family was broken. We hated ourselves for leaving my brother alone but it wasn't the time for doing the blame game. It happened and I went into a dark abyss that took me a while to get out.
My mother took her own life not so long after my brother's death. I was broken for a year. I was numb and paralyzed. I didn't feel and I didn't eat. My dad kept a close eye on me because I was giving the same signs of depression as my brother.
One night my dad had fallen into a deep sleep. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. The pain inside me was greater than me, it took over. I wanted to end my misery as I went to the sink and carefully slit my wrist. I closed my eyes as felt the sharp infliction eased my pain. I did it again but deeper.
My dad ran into the kitchen and grabbed the knife from my grip. He held me in his arms. I yelled and screamed. I wanted to die and he wasn't letting me. He held me until I calmed down.
I attempted to do it again but I failed at it. My dad had to take time off from work to help me. Shane was there for me as well. He went to school and came straight to my house.
It was a painful time but I survived the pain and I slowly saw the light of happiness. I graduated high school with honors and now I'm here.
*PRESENT DAY*
I opened my eyes and Troy had tears coming down his eyes. I never would've thought a tough guy like him would cry. A small smile formed on the corner of his lips as he caressed my cheek.
"You're stronger than most people, you survived not one but two traumatic events. I say you're a trooper and I admire that from you," he leaned in and kissed me cheek. I buried my face in his chest as I let his warmth cover me with happiness.
"Thank you. I feel a lot better than yesterday," I loved how sweet he smelled. It was a mixture of vanilla and honey.
I chuckled as he pulled away to get a glimpse of my face. "What's so funny kid?"
"You smell like my favorite candy," I buried myself in his chest again.
"You're like a honey badger, always looking for honey. I'm going to call you honey badger from now on," I chuckled as I closed my eyes and fell asleep again.
My body shivered as I felt around my bed for my warm cover. I picked up my face and noticed Troy wasn't in bed with me. I quickly panicked and suddenly the smell of warm syrup and pancake batter invaded my nostrils. I got out of bed and washed up.
I made my way downstairs as the whiff of bacon and coffee got stronger as I got closer. I entered the kitchen and saw them cooking. Troy was helping my dad cook breakfast. He turned around as a huge smile came across his face.
"Morning honey badger," he came closer and gave me a heartfelt hugged.
"Honey badger?" My dad said curiously.
"You know what never mind," he chuckled as he continued to turn over the pancakes.
Troy pulled away as his eyes gleamed like tiny galaxies. He pinched my cheeks as he walked back to help my dad. "I hope you're hungry," he said as he took some plates and utensils to the dining table.
"I'm starving," I rubbed my belly as I went to help my dad.
"No son, go sit down, Troy and I got this," he winked at me as I made my way to the table. I sat down and saw them work their magic.
Troy glanced at me a few times as he winked at me. Even though my heart is broken, having Troy here has definitely helped ease the pain.
I'm not sure what the future holds but I don't think I'm ready for a new relationship. Troy is wonderful and has shown me a different side of him that I never knew he had. I judged him before I even knew him but he still has a past and I'm not ready to deal with his baggage at the moment.
Breakfast was finally done. We all sat in the warm dining room as we enjoyed a hearty breakfast and a pleasant conversation. Troy told us he wants to design modern skyscrapers and that he already offers when he graduates. He also told us he played college football the first two years but sprained his ankle and it never healed correctly. He dropped out of playing football and focused on school.
"That's great son, what company have you chosen to work at, I work for different contractors in my field of construction," my dad loves pointing out he does construction.
"I'm thinking of Kingston Design Corps.," Troy glanced over at me as he made a silly face while sticking out his tongue.
"Wow, that's a great company, very prestigious and elegant. If you have the offer I would definitely take it," my dad loves someone that has ambition and Troy definitely had it.
"You never told me what your major is Espian?" I glanced at Troy whose eyes were now hypnotizing me.
"I want to work as a psychologist. I want to help people that struggle with depression and anxiety," his handsome smile is all I needed to warm my morning.
The bell rang as I jumped up. "I'll get it," I got up as I made my way to the front door. I opened the door and a gust of cold air came into the house. My heart broke at the sight of him. His tan skin, his forest green eyes, light blonde hair, and perfect face. He held his football jacket closed as his lips shivered in the cold.
"What do you want Shane?!" My voice was dark and serious.
"Let me explain, please?! Can I come in?!" He stuttered from how cold he was.
"No you fucken can't come in!" I turned around as Troy came towards us with his chest high as his eyes were full of fury.
"You have some fucken nerve to come here after what you did to Espian," he grabbed Shane by his jacket and slammed him on the wall by the entrance.
"Troy please put him down, please," I tugged on Troy's sweater but he wasn't moving. His glare was focused on Shane.