Emma's POV
The air is playing with my hair as I witness the beautiful day
Finally, I'm out of the hospital
It's been 7 years since my dad died
"I miss him"
"Me too honey, me too", my mom responded
"Emma!" , narinig ko ang boses ni Clent sa hindi kalayuan
"Oy Clent!", agad naglalagay ng ngiti sa labi ko
Nagmano ako kay Tita, "Kamusta kana iha?"
I smiled at her, "okay lang tita, ikaw po?"
"Okay lang din naman", she smiled
Brought a warm feeling
"Oh kamusta mission mo?", tanong ni Clent
"Anong mission?"
"Yung kay.. kay Marcus", sabi niya
I smiled at him, not answering him
"Oh kay ano nalang, kay.. sino pala yon? Yung bagong kaibigan mo?"
"Si Meryl", I gave him a weird look
"Oo si Meryl"
"Wala lang, okay lang naman, ang komportable nga niyang makasama"
"Edi okay yan, may bff kanang babae"
"Yeah right, kala ko si Margarette lang yung choice ko"
We laughed
Narinig na naming tinawag kami sa mga mama namin
"Let's go, let's have lunch together"
Nagtinginan kami ni Clent, we smiled at each other
"Alright"
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We had a great lunch and great conversations ofcourse
"I was wondering if I could visit the house before going back to the hospital"
My mom looked at me, " oh sige, sure", I hear hesitation,"kung yan gusto mo, ba't naman hindi?", she smiled
I looked at her and smiled, "Thanks ma"
When we arrived infront of the house, inilagay ko ang shopping bag sa likod na naglalaman ng tatlong cute blouses, ibinili ni tita Mary para sa'kin, gift niya daw
Excited akong pumasok sa bahay
The smell of home
I miss this baby
The house is still clean like how I left it
"Magpalit lang ako", sabi ng mama ko at dumiretso siya sa kwarto niya
I went into my room also
It kinda feel empty as some of my stuffs are at the hospital
I miss staying here, thinking about what Meryl said yesterday, instantly made me think I should go back here
Mom went inside my room, nakita ko siyang may dalang regalo.
"What's that?", I asked
"Maliit na surpresa lang", she paused
It shaped rectangle, it's covered with color brown gift wrapper
"Been hiding this for years", dugtong niya
For years?
She gave it to me, "years?", I asked
"It's from your dad", she explained, "he saw how good you are in art", she continued
I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude, I never knew my dad can think of this idea
"Ba't ngayon niyo lang naibigay sa'kin, at bakit hindi niya naibigay sa'kin noong buhay pa siya?", I asked in curiousity
"He didn't had the time, he said he was sorry. Sorry din kasi ngayon ko lang naibigay sayo, just wanted to find the right time", she said
"How is this the right time mom?", I laughed a little
I turned away to find a cutter
"Ngayon na accept mo na", she replied
I turned to her, looked at her at an awful way, "what does that suppose to mean?"
"I---"
I'm super sure she knows how sensitive I am to this topic
"You what?", I asked, "what made you think na okay na sa'kin ma? Na accept ko na na wala na si daddy? It's still so hard", I continued
She's just quiet, I don't know if alam ba niyang may nagawa siyang mali or wala
Tiningnan ko ang regalo, "and the fact na namatay siya sa sakit na'to always gives me anxiety dahil alam kong ako na ang susunod", and I looked at her again, teary eyes, "kaya nga siguro hindi ko pa fully accept na may sa'kit ako dahil hindi ko parin pala accept na patay na si daddy", cracked voice
"I'm sorry, I think it's not the right time to say this to you", she was about to leave the room
"Say what ma?", begging for an answer
"Emma darling", she looked at me
I scanned her, I scanned her really well, "you're---", I paused, "you're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
She understands how I feel about this , she knows how I don't like this kind of things
Her face changed, she's quiet and distant from me
"May iba ka na ma?", I asked
"I was about to tell you"
"Ahhh kaya pala busy ka, kaya pala hindi ka palaging nandoon sa hospital, kaya pala wala ka don kahit weekends kasi may iba ka na?"
"Emma, may work ako!"
"Ma!", tinaasan ko siya ng boses habang tumutulo yung luha ko, "I'm a sick a girl and I'm your daughter, how the hell could you do this to me? How the hell could you find time to do that habang nandito ako," I paused, "na may sakit, na mamamatay na ma?"
I looked away
"Hindi ako focus sa pagkakaroon ng ganon nak, ikaw yung priority ko. Busy ako dahil may work ako and I know you know that very well. Tsaka, ano bang mali? Hindi ba ako pwede sa mga ganyan anak?"
"Hindi, hindi pa!", I looked at her again, may luha ng tumutulo, "I can't believe na okay na pala sayo ma---"
She cut me off
"Anong okay? Sinong nag sabi sayong okay na ako sa pagkawala ng papa ---"
"Wala ma, walang nag sabi, ikaw na ang nagpapakita sa'kin, may iba kana o!", I paused, "and I don't know how you gathered the courage to tell me this and to give me this", tiningnan ko na naman ang regalo
"Because you're my daughter!", she said with a crying voice
"I'm your daughter?"
"How could you question me that?"
"No ma! I can question you that because nagawa mo 'to", I paused again, "nagawa mo lahat 'to, ang pagtatago, pagpapanggap and-- and families don't do that, they don't do that kind of thing pero nagawa mo", I paused again and looked at her with so many question in my head, "nagawa mo ma!"
I threw the gift away
"Emma Charish! Hindi lang ikaw ang nasaktan dito, he helped me get through things and---"
"Wait wait, is my love not enough for you? Is my excistence alone not enough for you ma?"
She looked at me, a face full of curiousity, worry, and questions. It's as if she doesn't know what to say
"Baby, it's not like that", she said
"Then what?"
She went quiet, really didn't know what to reply.
I'm in the floor right now
"Leave me alone", hindi ko na alam kung ano ang pumapasok sa utak ko
"I'm sorry"
"I said leave me alone,please!!", begging her
At lumayas siya sa room ko.
I may be disrespectful to do that but I don't care.
Maybe I was just shocked to hear those, resulting to why I had the audacity to say those things pero hindi parin tama ang ginawa niya
Pati sa mama, hindi ako enough? Kaylangan pa talaga niyang maghanap ng iba?
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Nandito parin ako sa floor ko, hawak ko na ang picture namin ni daddy
My room is now so messy
An hour passed and I'm still miserable
Kanina ko pa sinendan ng message si Clent pero wala paring response
Hinanap ko by eye ang regalo kung sa'n yun napunta
Nandoon lang pala sa tapat ng closet ko
Kumilos ako para kunin 'yon
Nakita kong may scratch na pala sa likod, kaya doon ko nalang sinimulang buksan
It's a 9×12 sketch pad paired with a set of watercolor and color pencil, there's a little note
"Know what you want to pursue and chase it, I love you! -daddy"
It brought a smile in my face.
Narinig kong nag ring ang phone ko kaya dali-dali kong kinuha 'yon
Nakita ko ang pangalan ni Clent, tumatawag siya, sinagot ko naman agad
"Hey, sorry ngayon ko lang nakita message mo, tinatapos ko kasi ang report ko para next week. Sabihin mo sa'kin, ano na naman ginawa ni Marcus?"
Narinig ko sa kabilang linya
I'm just quiet
"Emma? Hey, you there? Hellooo?"
And started breaking down again
"Hey, you okay? Anong nangyari?"
"Clent"
"Hoy, ano ba? You're scaring me"
"Si mama", I started
"Huh? Bakit? Anong nangyari kay Tita?", rinig na rinig ko na kinakabahan na talaga si Clent
I told him everything that happened earlier, he was just there, listening carefully
"So, you're telling me na may boyfriend ang mama mo and you don't agree with it?"
"Uh-huh"
"Eh can't blame tita, she's pretty naman"
"Don't tell me kinakampihan mo siya?"
"I'm not taking any sides Ems, I mean, she's still young, wala namang mali, oh and by the way, people are free to love regardless of age or whatsoever", he responded
"I'm not talking about age Clent, I'm talking about how she easily accepted na wala na si dad, don't you think rason 'yon kung ba't na fall siya sa iba?"
I heard him laugh, "okay, okay, think about this, nagkakagusto ka ni Marcus--"
"Oh shut up, ba't mo naman i-bring up si Marcus ngayon", I cut off
"No seriously, hear me out"
Hindi nalang ako umimik
"Okay, so nagkakagusto ka ni Marcus, may iba kanang gusto pero hindi mo naman nakalimutan si Rhedd dba?, lahat ng pinagsamahan niyo, hindi mo naman nakalimutan. Nag move on kalang, hindi nawala ang memory mo sa iyong dalawa"
"What do you mean?", I asked
"I mean", he paused, "Ems, kahit may bago nang nakita ang mama mo, doesn't mean nakalimutan na niya papa mo, nandyan parin ang sakit sa pagkawala niya"
He's not wrong
"You're not wrong but she started talking about the guy helped her with things and bla bla bla, I mean, Clent, am I not enough? Ano ba ang role ko sa buhay niya?", I asked
"Ang o.a mo Ems"
Ako na naman? Ako na naman yung O.A?
"C'mon Clent, you're making it worse"
"Ems, hindi lang ikaw ang broken--"
"That's exactly what my mom said and I understand that pero the heck?"
"And she's stressed and everything, in work and she's worried about you to the point na baka hindi na niya naalagaan ang sarili niya"
"Yeah right, ganyan din naman ako ah"
"And that's the thing! At some point, Marcus gave something into your life that me or your mom can't give, right? Admit that"
I was thinking for a while, "Okay"
"People come into our lives with a purpose. Maybe that guy gave something sa mama mo na nagbubuo sa butas ng puso niya. Sure, nandyan ka naman para sa mama mo, pero maybe that guy has another purpose sa life ni tita"
"Pero ba't nga ba ngayon niya lang sinabi sa'kin 'to?"
I heard him let out a soft chuckle, "E recall mo nga kung ano ang nagawa mo sa mama mo kanina. Ang scary mo pala magalit"
I let out a small laugh, "Whatever"
"But otherwise all of those, she's still your mom, you have to respect her and her decisions. It's not like she'll based every decision she'll make sa opinion mo, it's her life"
"But do all moms think about their children before they even do anything?"
"I'm sure you crossed her mind many times Ems"
Why is he so good at this? Ang awkward ko pa namang mag give ng advices sa kanya.
"Oh? Okay kana ba?", narinig ko galing sa kanya
"Yeah, thanks Clent", it's true, those words gave me great realizations
"Oh sige, magsisimula na naman ako sa advance reading ko, sure ka okay ka na?"
"Yes", I hesitated for awhile, "but what should I do now?"
"Edi mag sorry ka, and slowly accept the tru---", he paused , "oy sige, bye na, paparating na si mama, baka papapagalitan na naman ako"
"Sige bye"
And he ended up the call
I gathered the gift that I received and put in one place.
Kumilos ako para magpalit ng damit.
Pag bukas ko sa closet ko may na alala akong damit na iniregalo ni mama sa'kin last year na hindi ko ginustohan kaya hindi ko sinusuot 'yon ever since
Kaya ngayon, napag desisyonan kong suotin 'yon. Crop top siya na may sleeves na 3/4 in length, color sky blue at may maliit na dark blue heart sa gitna, I paired it up with adjustable black shorts.
Inayos ko mukha at buhok ko, kinuha ko ang regalo ko at inilagay sa isang recycled gift bag
Lumabas ako at nakita ko ang mama ko sa kitchen, malapit nang mag 6 pm
Lumapit ako sa table.
"Upo ka", she smiled, she's now preparing the food, "I already texted Rosa, kaya wag na mag-alala"
I smiled at her.
She landed a plate of pasta sa harap ko, "eat up, minsan kalang makakain ng ganito"
"Thanks ma"
Umupo siya sa kabilang side ng table
I actually feel awkward and I seriously don't know want to say, she stared at me, just stared at me and not saying anything
I finally had the guts to look at her, "I'm sorry"
Her face changed, concerned all over it
"Oh honey, no, no"
"No, I'm really sorry mom"
"Oh honey, okay lang 'yon, I understand how you feel, it's not easy, really"
"It's just that..", I paused, "it's me again, running away from reality, not accepting that things can possibly go like this", I cried, "not learning to accept that dad's already gone"
"Anak, normal lang 'yon", lumapit siya sa'kin, "I'm not saying it's going to be that easy, so don't be sorry about anything", she hugged me, "don't be sorry baby"
"Yeah, so don't be bringing that guy to my place"
She laughed, "sure baby" and she kissed me in the forehead
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Nandito na ako sa hospital, hindi ko nakita friends ko ngayong araw, baka busy rin.
I'm now looking at the picture frame na nakalagay sa tabi ng bed ko na mini table.
It's a picture of me and my parents. I miss my past life, a kid not knowing what kind of shit the world can ever give.
Yinakap ko nalang ang teddy bear na ibinigay ni Clent at natulog.