I think I'm gonna be sick... or yell... maybe laugh? I feel a surge of emotions pouring from my body. From my brain. From my heart. The call I missed eight months ago was him. It was from Harry. I'd quite literally forgotten about that call.
If steam could come from my ears like the characters in Looney Tunes, I don't doubt the car windows would be foggy. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest. Trying to escape and throw itself onto the highway. I could cry. Why was he calling? After two years of zero contact. After two years of wondering what could've happened to make him dismiss our friendship.
He called me.
"Are you okay, Tilly? You've gone a bit pale, love." Dad says to me, one hand on the wheel, the other scratching his beard.
"Do we have any water?" I ask feeling faint.
"Yeah just in my backpack. Love, lay your head back. Is it the jetlag?" He asks.
"Something like that..." I respond, looking out the window as we pull into the driveway.
I get out of the car and the smell of England makes me feel better. The confusion is still there but the queasiness isn't. It's hard to describe it but England has a smell. Home has a smell. The trees blow a soft wind in my direction and I notice the slush on the ground from where the snow fell and melted the night before. The air is crisp, the smell of snow lingering in the air. I have missed home so much.
"Anne is going to be so excited to see you and Gemma has come home for the holidays. Everyone's coming home tonight! The whole family." He says almost jumping up and down as we unpack my things.
When mum died, Dad felt lost. He had me but his family is from Wales, so we never really see them. Mum's family live abroad so until we met the Styles/Twists it was just the three of us. Dad considers Anne his sister and Gemma a second daughter. He always loved Harry; they just don't speak anymore but I guess that's the case with most of us regarding that boy.
"What do you mean everyone?" I ask him, evaluating his choice of wording.
"I mean everyone." He says nervously. I guess it's just been a while since we were all in one place.
"Is Harry coming home?" I ask matching his nervousness.
"Don't know, Love." He says. He kisses my forehead and tells me to get some sleep. We won't be leaving for dinner until 7.
I take a shower, not bothering to wash my hair. It was styled for filming only yesterday so there's no point. I get into old PJ's I find in my drawers, slipping on a Zeppelin oversized tee shirt and a pair of grey track pants and get into bed. My eyes fall heavy and I feel myself relax.
Home.
February 14th, 2006
"Slow down!" Harry calls out after me.
My gumboots slush in the mud, turning their bright red colour into a dirty brown but I don't mind. My hair sways behind me as I run down to the small forest outside Harry's house.
"Never! You catch up slowpoke!" I yell, turning and jogging backwards to face him. I watch as he trips over himself, arms flailing in the air.
The air feels crisp and the gentle breeze rustles at the trees above my head.
I stop at a tree and lean against it holding my breath, careful not to show him I am also extremely puffed out. I look up at the sky as the clouds from above disperse, leaving a blue sky.
I laugh at him as he runs up to me, stopping a few meters away from me, one hand on the tree, the other on his knee as he hunches over trying to catch his breath.
"Tired?" I ask playfully.
"Not... one... bit... you?" He asks through inhales and exhales.
I laugh at his stubbornness to admit when he's slightly lesser than. He straightens his back up and walks over to me.
"You know what I hate?" He says, catching his breath.
"Running?" I joke, nudging at his shoulder, resting my back against the tree.
"No, not running. Valentine's day." He says as he kicks at the ground below him. I smile at him. He definitely does not hate valentine's day.
"Have you ever even had a valentine, H?" I ask. I know if he has I would know about it, we share everything with one another.
"Nah... never found someone nice enough." He mumbles.
"What about me?" I say piping up. Instant regret.
Why would you say that... You crossed a line. Idiot, idiot, idiot. My mind nags at me.
"Well, you've never asked." He says.
I'm mind blown. What does he mean?
"Don't look so shocked, Til. We're best friends." He jokes, coming closer.
"Well, I for one love Valentine's day. People walking hand in hand, exchanging home-made gifts! Kissing..." I trail off, watching the ducks in the small pond flutter around, dipping their heads under the water and back again.
"You've never even kissed a boy, Tilly!" He shouts with a playful tone, throwing his hand on his stomach and putting his hand on the tree once more to stabilise himself from his laughter.
"Well, I will one day." I protest, folding my arms in front of me.
"What about today?" He says, his arm still against the tree.
"Huh?" I respond.
"May as well, just to see, you know, um, what it's like? Research purposes... I don't know?" He says taking his hand from the tree and rubbing the back of his neck.
"You know, we don't have to I just kinda..." He says, looking around the ground.
I pull at his shirt and bring him closer to me and place my hands awkwardly on his hips, feeling the fabric against my fingertips. Our faces close together.
"For research purposes." I declare in a soft whisper.
I gulp and feel my face blush red.
We're just friends. Were just friends. Were just friends. I remind myself.
His lips press against mine, soft and warm. I feel my chest inflate as I breathe in the kiss. It's only a peck but I think my whole world has just changed. The innocence of it all feels right. It isn't a mind-blowing kiss but I'm yet to have that one, but this feels perfect. I open my eyes to meet his own green ones who are also open. We break away in laughter.
"That was so weird!" I shout, throwing myself against the oak tree, covering my hands with my face.
"You kiss with your eyes open!" I squeal, throwing my hands in the air.
"Hey so do you," he says. "I was only opening them to see if you had yours open." He says nervously.
"Yeah right! Race you back!" I take off from him, feeling the happiness conjure deep inside my stomach. What am I feeling? I feel my gumboots sink into mushy ground below, dirt kicking up at my jeans. I turn around to see Harry gaining speed.
"Not fair! You had a head start!" He yells, his laughter following.
I feel so happy right now. This isn't awkward. We are best friends. And that kiss was for research purposes only... maybe."
December 24th, 2015
I wake up feeling myself smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. I sit up and look in the mirror at the end of my bed resting against the wall. My dimples showing. I touch my fingers to my cheeks and fall back into the bed.
"It isn't like that anymore, Tilly. He's moved on. New friends, new life, new job, new everything. Who knows when you're gonna see him again?" I say out loud to myself. My Dad knocks at my door and comes in with a cup of tea.
"What's not like that anymore?" he asks, placing the mug on my bedside table. I sit up and look at him, he's dressed in a Christmas sweater and jeans.
"Just life I guess, I'm getting older... What the actual saint nick are you wearing might I ask?" He laughs at me.
"Oh, this old thing?" He jokes.
"Get dressed, we're gonna leave in around thirty." He says, patting my knee under the covers. He stops at my doorway and turns around.
"I'm so glad you're home." He says and walks out again. My Dad is the mushiest person I've ever met.
I get out of bed and go to the bathroom, applying soft eye makeup with a red lip. I've never been great at applying lipstick, but I feel like I should better myself at it. After several makeup wipes and half a bottle of micellar water later I deem this is as good as I'm gonna get it. I go to my suitcase and pull out a pair of ripped black skinny jeans and a caramel sweater my mum always wore on her birthday. I dance around the room struggling to get on my jeans doing the jean jump to fit into them. I throw on a pair of Doc Martins and a black coat over the top of it.
"Yep, get it, ok future golden globe nominee yes..." I say out loud.
"Me? I won? Little old me?" I say to my mirror batting my eyes at myself for longer than any sane person would deem appropriate.
"I don't mean to interrupt but I'm leaving now and you're gonna have to stop... whatever this is." My dad says furrowed brows and crossed arms.
"But, but I'm accepting an academy award!" I laugh.
"Well let's leave that for another time or were gonna be late."
*****
The smell of food wafts throughout the house as we step in and hang out coats up. My eyes water at the sight of everybody in the kitchen.
"Tilly fucking Jackson!" Gemma screams as she runs at me.
"Gemma fucking Styles!" I scream back wrapping my arms around her as we fall to the ground together.
"A kiss for your birthday, a kiss for your film debut, a kiss for this and a kiss for that!" Gemma says as she kisses my cheeks.
"Stop it! I did makeup tonight!" I laugh.
"Since when have you cared about makeup?" She jokes as we get up and dust ourselves off.
"Tilly!" Anne calls out from the kitchen.
I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her, hugging her tightly.
"I missed you... and Robin!" I say seeing him cooking, wine glass in hand. My heart is overwhelmed at the sight of all my loved ones in one place. This is so perfect. Nothing could ruin this. I won't' let it.
"What about me? Did you miss me, Til?" A deep voice says from the hallway. I turn around to see a tall figure with unruly collar bone length curls leaning against the frame of the hallway. It can't be. No. I piece two and two together and remember the stranger from the airport. Harry. It was Harry.
The room goes silent for a moment until Gemma coughs and announces dinner should be ready soon. My eyes remain fixated on him. The way he effortlessly asked if I missed him. The way he stands there looking at me like we haven't spoken to one another in almost three years. He called once, yes, I'll admit it, but it was once. One time in three years and he wants to ask if I miss him? I don't think so.
We walk to the table and I sit away from Harry's eyesight and eat my dinner. By the end, I feel at ease. He can't make me feel like this.
We don't even know one another anymore.
Dinner comes to an end and Gemma suggests we play Charades.
"Yeah, charades sound good." Dad says, taking the plates to the sink.
We gather in the living room and I sit as far away from Harry and I possibly can. I squeeze myself next to Gemma and she takes my hand in hers.
"Just breathe. I didn't know either." She admits.
"You're his sister. It's different." I say through gritted teeth.
Everybody takes turns and finally, it's Harry's turn. I watch as he unfolds his legs and takes to the middle of the carpet. I don't know how to feel. I've missed him so much but the person standing before me isn't my best friend anymore. The person before me is a stranger. I don't know him; he doesn't know me.
Harry delves into the hat, drawing a slip of paper and he begins to act out his scenario. His arms wail across the room. Everyone taking guesses before the time runs out. I feel hurt. I look around at everyone and I know they feel the same, they just don't want to hurt him. They're afraid he'll leave again. They're afraid this time he won't come back.
"I know what it is." I say out loud and sit myself up, slipping out of Gemma's hands.
"Go on, Love." Robin says. Anne looks at me wearily and Dad stares with a blank face.
"You're acting out as the best friend who ditched the other best friend and left to travel the world, which yes is absolutely amazing, and I couldn't be happier for you, but you never called. You never texted. Not a Snapchat, not DM, not a letter, not even a fucking email! Nothing. So, you're acting as the guy who abandoned his best friend without a single trace, without any reasoning. You just left and I had to deal with it on my own. You texted everyone but me. Who am I kidding... you aren't acting. That actually happened and you hurt me. A lot." I say feeling the silence in the room wash over me. Gemma takes a sip of her wine and looks down at the ground. I get up from my chair and avoid eye contact.
"If you'll excuse me, I just need some air." I say, walking back down the hallway and out to the back patio. I feel the cool airbrush at my cheeks, going through my teeth and down my feet. I didn't worry about shoes or even a coat, but I can't go back inside. I'm too embarrassed. I remain outside for a while, basking in the cold. No one comes out, they know I can't be around anyone right now or I might just snap. My mind races but one thing is for sure. Harry and I will never be the same. Our friendship is over and we will never come back from it. It will never be as it was and that is salt to the wound.
Thank you for reading!
What do you think of Harry coming home?
- M