September 1993
London
"Girlfriend?"
A very chafed George finally asked his roomie Aran as he glanced at the small cassette player playing what seemed to be a conversation between Aran and some girl, for the umpteenth time. He was amused by the fact that this small player was being used and abused daily to play the same thing over and over again, but his roomie didn't seem to get enough of it. At times he couldn't help but smile when he saw the serene look on Aran's face when he heard her chatter in a language he couldn't understand or her giggles which filled the entire conversation. It played on the tape on a loop many times a day ever since he had met him a few days ago.
"Not yet." Arnav said with a smile and switched off the tape. The sudden mention of the word girlfriend made his nerves tingle. He had never given a thought to the fact that Khush would be known as his girlfriend —if at all.
"How long have you known her?" George asked him while applying gel to his blonde hair in front of the mirror in their small twin bedroom pad in the University accommodation.
"Childhood friends. We grew up together in the same block of apartments."
"She's chirpy!" George chuckled and saw him smile.
"I know what you mean," Arnav said fondly thinking about Khushi's constant chattering. "She wasn't aware of me recording this random conversation secretly. If she comes to know about this now, she will kill me and bury me in her backyard!"
George laughed. "Have you told her how you feel about her?" He asked hesitantly as the laughter subsided.
"Yes. Few minutes before I boarded the flight to London."
"You dog!" George guffawed, pointing the finger at him, "You did not!"
Arnav chuckled softly. No matter how many times he had tried to reason with his heart and question its impulsiveness in that mad moment, he still had the same answer. There was no way he could have left without telling Khushi about his feelings for her that day.
"Yeah. Now in hindsight, wasn't so fair to her, I guess!" Arnav said sheepishly.
"What did she say?" George asked curiously.
"She needs some time to think." Arnav murmured to himself.
"Oh."
"Yeah —oh!" Arnav sighed.
George walked up to him and pulled a chair in front of him. He drew out a thin paper and a tiny box of cannabis from his pocket, which, if he were to get caught possessing, would put him into some serious trouble. But he seemed pretty calm about the whole thing. He rolled a spliff in front of him with expert fingers and offered it to Arnav. "Take this outside the campus and smoke it. One puff and all that anxiety shit will blow away in a blink."
"I know, but I will pass. Thanks."
"You want to burn yourself in it? Why?" George demanded while rolling another one. "That pain is crap. I was there a year ago. She made me wait for a year and then told me she had found someone else." He mumbled pocketing the joint and walked up to the window.
Not something he wanted to hear right now, Arnav thought, his heart clenching inside his chest. "Oh."
"Yeah — oh!" George murmured. "Forget all this. Listen, a couple of us are heading to the pub tonight. Join us, and I'll introduce you to a few more nice blokes around here. Helps." George suggested as he grabbed his backpack.
"That would be nice. Cheers, man. I'll see you tonight." Arnav smiled and decided to get back to his books.
"Aran—"
"It's Arnav." Arnav corrected him with a smile.
"Arv — fuck, I can't pronounce that name, mate! Look, Aran, don't mess your head with this shit. Keep it light, don't go too deep or it'll fuck you up. She might not come to you and you will —anyway. Don't mean to screw with your head, just looking out for you." George said in a serious tone, his hand placed gently over Arnav's shoulder.
George's words hit like a poisonous dart and wounded Arnav. It was hard to remain positive when someone summed up the situation for you so practically and flatly. Khushi needed time, and he was aware of it. But the wait was killing him.
"I know," Arnav whispered.
"Cool. Baroques — say six-ish? Suits you?"
"Yeah, that's alright. I'll see you then." Arnav waved at him and got back to his course work.
****
Hours later, Arnav made himself a cup of hot coffee from the pantry and switched the radio on in his room. He stood by his window, staring at the drizzle outside, as a familiar song came on.
Oceans apart day after day...As I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line..But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never...How can we say forever..
The dull grey afternoon sky was turning his already sombre mood into a sulk, and the song was making it worse. Had it been only two weeks since he had come to London? How on earth was he going to survive the rest of them - away from her, his family and friends? He sighed as he sipped on his hot coffee to calm the irritation of his throat. The allergies had popped their head out, aggravating his mood and throwing him into a state of melancholy. If there was anything right going on in his life at the moment, he couldn't feel it.
He placed his cup on his bedside table, and for a moment, his eyes lingered over his right palm.
Khush.
There was a rush of blood in his head with her thought, and suddenly his heart felt alive. He ran his left thumb slowly over the middle of his palm and his entire being throbbed as he relived the feel of her luscious lips pressed against it. Her lips - kissable, soft, plump, pillowy, like rose petals. A billowing surge of desire shot through his body, and he fought for control as his fingers rolled into a tight fist.
The moment he closed his eyes, a dizzying stream of her images began projecting on the wall inside his mind. He saw her gorgeous face, her lips when they wore a beautiful smile, the colour of her flushed cheeks especially when she was angry, her Rudolph's nose whenever she cried, her thick long inky black tresses he wished he could run his fingers through, her lambent light brown eyes lined with kohl which he couldn't help but stare at whenever she was or wasn't looking at him, the enticing curve of her slender neck, the tiny mole on her left shoulder —dear god, he needed to stop. Stop right now! This girl was after his sanity. How was he going to stay away from her for so long? And how long would he have to wait until he heard from her—if at all?
A small doubt crept up in his mind, thanks to George. Did he just mess it all up by telling her about his feelings at the last moment? Would it have been easier if he had kept it all inside his heart? She wouldn't have known, and there would have been no expectations from the situation. No agonising wait for her to say something, anything, regarding his confession. Things would have been simple had he held back his words. But no, he had to go all out to complicate his life and possibly her's too.
Falling in love with her hadn't been a transient thing, he mused. He couldn't remember the time when he was not in love with her. The feeling had taken many forms and turns over the years, playing havoc with his mind. At times, questioning him and pushing him to address it, but never abandoning him. His love for her had been the only constant thing in his life in his growing up years.
They had practically grown up together. She was nine, and he was eleven when his family had moved in next door to her'. And they had connected instantly on day one —over cricket!
He chuckled at the vivid memory when he had first seen her from his bedroom balcony, playing downstairs near the car park of their building with kids her age. She was wearing shorts and a tee and was standing behind the stumps in absolute concentration. A girl keeping the wicket! She had had his attention instantly! The next ball bowled had been played by the batsman carelessly and caught by her deftly behind the stumps with such precision and passion, that he had found himself staring at her in awe! She had jumped and celebrated by dancing around the batsman who had scored quite a lot against her team. Her effervescence and excitement had been contagious. He had wanted to be there with her to share that magical moment, and so he had rushed downstairs to introduce himself to the kids. He had been asked if he had wished to join the game and had nodded wholeheartedly. By the time they had finished playing that evening, every kid had gone home except the both of them. He had bowled, and she had batted till late evening, unwilling to let go of the bat despite losing her wicket many times. And the rule was thus established that day —henceforth whenever they played, he would never bat and she would never bowl.
He smiled as he opened the doors of the window. A cool breeze fluttered around him along with her thoughts, gently caressing his face and rekindling a garland of memories long forgotten.
One of the earliest was an evening that had affected him profoundly when he had heard her singing with her father in their living room. The front door of her apartment had been left half-open, and he could listen to the notes of the taanpuura floating in the air, purifying it along with her voice. Her father had been guiding her in perfecting an aalaap, and she had looked like she was in a meditative state while singing it. Now when he looked back at that moment, that scene of her playing the taanpuura with her eyes closed and singing had been one of the most numinous and sacred things he had ever witnessed or experienced in his life. He had been mesmerised. Her voice and the notes had possibly quenched an unknown thirst inside him that evening, and although he knew nothing about classical music, he had started looking forward to these sessions with interest.
Another one of those early memories of her was an incident on the 'Crooked Hill' which always left him feeling restless. They had gone cycling on the lower slopes of the hill along with a few friends on that fateful day. On their way down, she had lost her balance, and they both had fallen off their bicycles over the uneven slope. His knee had split open, and she had screamed the hill down. There had been so much blood that she had tears in her eyes, and had begged and pleaded her friends to take him to the doctor or call his parents. When he had gotten up on his feet, he had realised that she hadn't been able to get up at all. Hours later, both of them had gone home with their respective parents, he, with a couple of stitches and she, with a cast on her broken ankle. How she had ignored her excruciating pain and made a big deal of his, would always remain a mystery to him.
Arnav walked up to his desk and opened the top drawer. Wrapped inside his handkerchief with the utmost care, was her earring which he had taken away from her. He held it in his fingers and watched it dance in front of his eyes. This one was similar to the one she was wearing on his seventeenth birthday party. His parents had thrown a small party at home for all his friends in the neighbourhood then, and he remembered that moment when he had noticed her for the first time as a beautiful girl in an emerald green colour dress. He still remembered her looking stunning, pushing an obstinate lock of hair behind her ear as she had walked inside his apartment along with Payal and Anjali. All male eyes in the room were glued to her that evening, and he had found himself staring at her quite often.
Together, they had survived the crushes, the infatuations and the heartbreaks in their respective school and college years, at times consulting and sharing things and supporting or being critical about each other's decisions. And every passing day in those years had brought to the fore a new facet of Khushi for him, sketching an exquisite portrait of this girl in his heart. He was getting drawn towards her because of her thoughts, her free-spirited nature, and for the beautiful human being she was turning out to be. In those couple of years, before he came to London, he had realised that he would never be able to find someone like her in his life. It had to be her. There could be no one else for him.
Khushi had always been a compassionate and sensitive girl, and the fear of rejection or the thought of a probable distance from her had forced him to keep his feelings bottled up inside him. But everything in his head and heart underwent a gradual transformation as the day of his departure to London drew closer. The thoughts of losing her to circumstances, not knowing what she would be doing every moment of her life, not being able to see her face or her smile for months and the realisation that he won't be able to hear her voice every day had gotten to his head. The week before he left was one of the most painful ones in his life. Every day of that week, he had found ways and reasons to be near her. He had watched her, studied her, observed her and drank her presence and then locked each of those moments in the deep recesses of his heart.
The decision to go to London for his Masters was made for their future together, a future he had unknowingly mapped out for them. He marvelled at his confidence which had made him think that she would be in his life forever. He never stopped a moment to wonder why he had that arrogant belief that they would end up together, and it had stayed that way in his heart for years, unchallenged.
The decision to go was made after a lot of deliberation and with a heavy heart. It had seemed like the right thing to do until that moment, when he was standing close to her separated by a wall of absolute will power, staring at her beautiful eyes with his palm placed lightly over her lips. He had felt weak then, and the decision to go away from her had wavered. His emotions had surged and the bottled up words inside him had begun to flap their wings, demanding freedom. Every fibre of his being was ordering him to give voice to his feelings. He had realised then that he couldn't wait for a perfect moment to tell her anymore. And so he had told her then, simply because he had not been able to keep it inside him.
He had known her for so long and always had a fair idea of how she would react in a given situation. But this time, she had stumped him. He had seen a shock rather than surprise in her eyes when he had told her about his feelings, and it had unsettled him. For a moment, everything had swayed. His heart had stopped beating because, for the first time in his life, he had panicked when he realised that there was the possibility of her never reciprocating his feelings, something he had never given any thought to at all! The world had become a blur, the earth he stood on became wobbly, and he had lost his footing. In those last moments, as he was leaving her, his heart was in unbearable pain. Every step towards the cab and away from her had tested his strength and determination. That was the moment where he had realised he couldn't be without her. She was too precious to him.
And now, there was nothing he could do sitting miles away from her. He had no clue what she was thinking. He had no clue what she felt. At times he felt like a fool for having told her about his feelings. But then, what if he had not told her? What if she had found someone else by the time he got back? He couldn't afford that. There was no other way. He had had to take the chance.
In a way, whatever happened, happened for good. This way, they both would get the time and the space to get comfortable in these new shoes of their relationship. Had he told her way before he left, it would have gotten very awkward for both of them. They were next-door neighbours, who at times didn't care about each other's privacy. She wouldn't have had the time to think about his feelings in her private space. And she wouldn't have known what it was not to have him around. There wouldn't have been an opportunity to think how close they were! He had always been around for her. In a way, he going away would now force her to look at him differently...it almost seemed like a blessing in disguise. They just needed time to come to terms with this concept of having a different relationship between them other than just being friends. And it was just a matter of time. By the time they killed the awkwardness between them, he would be back with her in Pune — and hopefully, she would be in his arms. The thought brought up a smile on his lips.
And then he would tell Maa Papa about her. Not that they needed any words! Papa was the absent-minded one, but Maa had always been the perceptive one. She would've always known what Khush meant to him.
Maa was a strong woman with the softest heart he had ever known. Her capacity and ability to give and do things for others overwhelmed him at times. And this was one of the main reasons why she loved and connected so well with Khush. They both were so alike. Maa loved her so much that at times she favoured her over everyone in the family. None of them stood a chance -- not his father, not him or his brother!
Suddenly, the urge to speak to his family, especially his mother, took over his being. He got to his feet suddenly, put on his coat and stepped out towards the telephone booth across the street. The voice answering his call made his face light up in a fraction of a second, washing away the gloom he had carried all day long.
"Chhotu! Kaisa hain tu? I can smell aloo ke parathe! Akele khaayega?" Arnav asked, smile written all over his face.
"Bhai! How are you? Wait, let me call Maa and Papa. I am good, how is London treating you? And please don't ask about food! Maa cooks below average quality food ever since you left! And now she is here and hitting me, and poor me, there is no one to protect me from her anymore! "
Arnav laughed out aloud. He could almost see the entire scene playing in front of eyes like a movie. It tugged at his heartstrings and his vision blurred with the film of tears, leaving him longing for that warmth that had abandoned him the day he had left home.
"Alright Bhai, before she snatches the receiver from my hand, you take care. And listen, have fun and do remind Maa that she has another son as well!" Kabir laughed and handed over the receiver to his mother.
Arnav's mother took over the phone call, and just like that, he felt much better after hearing the voices that mattered to him the most in the world.
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Note: I have not written a single note on Wattpad before. This is my first time, so let me take this opportunity to welcome you all to ODAAT. :) I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it :)
All readers, old and new, thank you all for being so patient while I find time and upload new chapters. :) As you can see, I will keep updating more chapters whenever I find time (like today lol). Thank you for reading and letting me know how you feel about the story so far. :)
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S