All the pain, struggles and everything that I've experienced before suddenly appeared on my mind. Lahat nang iyon ay kusang pumasok sa isipan ko nang makaharap ang lalaking ngayon sa akin ay nakatitig na rin.
I saw his pictures but I didn't expecte him to be here. Ganoon pa rin ang uri ng titig niya sa akin noong huli niya akong iniwan. Seryoso at tila wala na akong nakikitang katiting ng pagmamahal sa kanya.
His hair's in a clean cut, with a similarity to Theo. His body seems into exercising because of the muscles that I can clearly see. Hindi na niya yata binalak pang pahabain ang buhok dahil pansin kong bagong gupit ito.
Namalayan ko na lang na kanina pa kami nakatitig sa isa't isa hanggang sa gumalaw ito at handa na naman akong iwan.
He turned his back on me and started walking like we just bumped into each other and never loved each other before.
I bit my lip to not feel the same pain that I've felt back then. Naroon na naman kasi at unti-unting lumilitaw sa loob ko.
Of all people and places, we are stuck on this large cruise ship. Nabuhay kaagad ang pangamba ko sa katotohanang baka sandaling magkrus ang landas nila ng anak ko.
Tumalikod ako saka hinabol ito. Hinigit ko ang kamay niya saka pinaharap sa akin. Nangunot ang noo niyang tinignan ang kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya na para bang isa akong estrangherong bigla-biglang nanghahatak.
"Can we talk?" tanong ko agad habang hinihingal. It took him few seconds before sighing and then nodding his head.
Ipinagkrus niya ang braso saka hinintay akong magsalita pero hindi ko ginawa. I was just staring and my lips were parted as if I can't believe that I am seeing him right now.
"Akala ko mag-uusap tayo? You can now talk."
Sinagot niya iyon na para bang isang professional na nakikipag-usap lang sa akin, na para bang nakalimutan ang pinagsamahan namin noon.
His voice was deep and then I can feel the coldness in it. Kung mayroon mang malamig rito, iyon ang hangin na dumadampi sa balat ko. Hindi ko naman inakalang pati pala ang boses niya ay mas malamig pa kumpara sa hangin.
"I think it's better to find a place," I suggested and then started walking. Naramdaman kong sumunod naman siya sa akin kaya dinala ko siya sa room namin.
I texted Mavy that I saw Joaquin here. Sinabihan kong mamaya na muna sila babalik rito sa stateroom dahil may pag-uusapan pa kami. I can't miss this chance to talk to him, lalo pa't baka ngayon lang talaga ako pinagkalooban tapos kinabukasan ay wala na.
"Uh... sorry, this is the safest place and uh... tahimik, walang istorbo."
He just nodded when I finally opened the door. Napapikit ako nang makita iyong balloons na nakakalat sa sahig na may pangalan ni Theo.
Take note, full name niya iyon!
Pumasok siya saka nakita ang mga iyon. Itinabi ko na lang saka inayos bago siya pinaupo sa couch.
His eyes wandered on our room until it reached our luggage. Kunot noo niyang pinakatitigan iyong kay Mavy na itim saka malaki kumpara sa akin.
"So what are we gonna talk?" he asked and then glanced on his watch again. Lihim akong nainis dahil parang itinuturing niya akong istorbo.
"Nagmamadali ka? Don't worry, this won't take long. I just want to talk about something important," I replied using my softest voice.
Sa huli ay pinilit nito ang sariling makasama ako rito. I sat in front of him and offered the coffee that I have. It's the Espresso Roast.
Napansin kong titig na titig siya sa lata niyon kaya nagsalita ako.
"It's the only coffee that I have."
He opened it while I'm still finding the words that I'm gonna say to him.
Anong uunahin ko? Kumusta? May pamilya ka na ba? Maayos ba buhay mo pagkatapos mo akong iwan?
Do you still love me?
Halos lahat nang iyon ay nasa isipan ko pero walang aprubado sa akin, lalo na iyong huli.
I forgot that he left me because he has no feelings anymore and got tired though we haven't started our relationship formally.
Paano ako magkakaroon ng tapang na tanungin sa kanya iyon kung iyon ang naging rason niya para tuluyang makawala sa akin?
"Joaquin--"
"You're not used on calling me that."
I cleared my throat.
"Iyon ang sabi mong pwede kong itawag sa'yo noon. I'm just following your rule."
His lips parted, out of words and then closed it again like he forgot what he said.
Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago inipon ang lakas sa sasabihin ko. This is for my son, for his birthday and for the sake of his rights as his father.
Kahit sa ganito man lang ay magawa ko para sa birthday niya. We're on the same place, breathing the same air and stepping on the same floor.
Ang gusto ko lang ay maging masaya ang anak ko. That's it. Seeing my child smiling while having his father on his special day is the priceless moment for me.
Pagkatapos noon, pwede na siyang bumalik sa kanyang pamilya. Okay lang naman ako basta mapasaya ko lang ang anak ko.
"Alam kong may pamilya ka na at ayokong makasira ng relasyon o anuman. Actually, masaya na rin naman ako. We're now both happy on our lives and I think that was the best part of leaving me. You made me realize that I can be happy without your presence. I stood alone and raised the source of my happiness now."
Napansin kong mataman na itong nakikinig sa akin. His hand turned into a fist but I never paid attention on it. Mas lalong nangunot ang noo niya sa mga sinasabi ko.
Well, I didn't invite him here to reminisce the past. Parte lang iyon ng pagsasalita ko sa harapan niya.
"Uhm... I know that you're busy with your family so I now apologize if I consumed your time for being with them instead of having me here. May hihingin lang sana ako sa'yo." Nagulat ako nang biglang inis nitong sinapo ang noo saka tila naghahanap ng hanging pwedeng mahingahan ng maayos.
He caressed his perfect jaw and then stood up, now looking down at me. Mas lalo kong napansin iyong malaki niyang katawan na nasa harapan ko at tila handa nang manapak sa kung sino man.
Does he have a problem? Bakit ganoon kaagad ang naging reaksyon niya?
"Ano... sorry kung naistorbo ko ang oras mo na dapat kasama ang pamilya--"
"Who the fuck told you that I have a family, huh?!" His voice roared which made me jumped a bit. Napahawak kaagad ako sa dibdib nang magulat sa naging lakas ng boses niya.
He's standing and yet here I am, sitting and then holding my chest like I am facing the beast now—no, I am facing the devil. The hot headed devil.
When he saw me, his face softened and then went back sitting again. Naroon pa rin ang inis sa mukha niya pero hindi na katulad kanina.
"Now tell me. Who told you that I have a family?" Napaatras ako nang ilapit niya iyong buong couch sa harapan ko. He carried it like it was just a light thing. Inusog ko ang upuan pero inusog niya rin palapit sa akin ang couch.
This man is really unbelievable! Akala niya ba nakikipaglaro ako sa kanya? Does he think that I brought him here to play with him?
"Answer me and don't distance yourself, Ria! I'm warning you."
Napalunok ako saka pilit siyang hinarap kahit na malapit na iyong couch sa akin. Kaunting espasyo lang ang nagiging pagitan namin kaya medyo nailang agad ako.
"Well... I saw one of your posts. You're with this red haired girl together with a baby. Kaya uhh... pamilya mo iyon?"
I almost wanted to swallow all the saliva that I have. Matiim siyang nakatitig habang pinagmamasdan ang mukha ko at ang sinasabi.
Iniwas niya ang tingin saka sinapo ang mukha bago tumawa ng bahagya. He sarcastically laughed and then his eyes went back on me.
"That's not my family. It's my cousin's wife."
"You even captioned it with 'love'. How can you not tell me that he's not your wife?"
"I just captioned it. Crush ko iyon dati kaso naging asawa na ng pinsan ko. There's no romantic relationship going on between us."
I threw him my sharpest stare. All this time, I thought he's now finally settled and then he has his own family! Tapos malalaman ko ngayong hindi niya pala asawa't anak iyon?
Pinaniwala ko ang sarili sa walang katotohanan at walang kwentang mga pictures niya! And why did I even stalked his account? Para mas lalong maipamukha sa sarili na may kanya-kanya na kaming buhay.
I drank my water and then faced him again with my serious face. He just stared at me naturally and then his eyes went again to the balloons.
"Who's Theodore Axcel? Your boyfriend? Celebrating your anniversary here?" he asked curiosly. Muntik na akong matawa nang mahimigan ang kaunting inis sa boses niya.
I pointed Mavy's luggage and showed the name written on the luggage tag. His jaw clenched when he finally read it.
"Ano 'yan? Thirdwheel sa inyo ng Theodore na 'yon?" Kumunot lalo ang noo ko sa inis ng kanyang tono.
Hate niya pa rin si Mavy!
"What? Of course not! I'm with Mavy!"
"Oh edi thirdwheel nga. Hilig talaga no'n ang laging nakasunod."
I rolled my eyes. Hindi ko naman siya inimbita rito para ipakita ang mga iyan.
"Don't act like you're my boyfriend. Wala kang pakialam sa status ko and please, we're not college anymore. Matanda na tayo."
He crossed his arms and then his legs. He has his smirk now. Mas lalo akong nairita dahil sa mapuputi at perpekto niyang mga ngipin.
"Uh-huh. We're not college anymore and yet Maverieck managed to be with you? Ano 'yon? Pagkatapos kitang pagsawaan, siya ang pumalit?"
I stared at him for a second, realizing what he said. I got my courage to finally slap him using my full force. Namula kaagad iyong maputi niyang mukha saka napahawak ang kamay doon.
Umigting ang panga ko sa irita sa kanya.
"Watch your words, Joaquin. Ano naman kung siya ang nandito para sa akin? At least, he stayed. Hindi katulad mo na duwag at basta-basta nang-iiwan! And don't you ever insult the man who took care of me! Wala kang alam sa lahat ng nangyari."
My hand's shaking after that slap. Mas namuo kaagad ang sakit at galit ko sa kanya.
How can he say those foul words in front of me? Bakit naman sa lahat, iyon pa? Pinagsawaan niya ba talaga ako?
He's different. Totally different now. He can finally insult and say those words against me without having any hesitations. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ko naisipang ngayon pa siya kausapin.
My mind was filled with the little celebration for my son for tomorrow. Siguro naisip ko rin iyon para makilala niya ang anak ko, ang anak niya. Tapos humantong sa ganito? Sa pag-uungkat ng nakaraan?
"I never thought that you'll be leaving me like that. Or maybe I wasn't important enough?Pinahalagahan mo rin ba ako noon?"
He licked his lip and then harshly brushed his hair. Tila nagulat at hindi inasahang gagawin ko iyon sa kanya.
He calmed himself first before closing the distance between us. Doon lang pumasok sa isip niya ang kanyang ginawa.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean--"
"Stop. Hanggang dyan ka lang."
He was about to embrace me but I stopped him. Why do people apologize and then doing the same mistake again? Para masabing nagsisi o hindi sinasadya ang ginawa? Para masabing nakapag-sorry lang tapos okay na ang lahat?
Inilayo ko lalo ang sarili sa kanya. Akala niya ba agad na hihilom ang lahat sa isang sorry lang?
Hindi naman ako nandito para sa ganito. He opened it first and then now, he managed to insult me, he insulted Mavy. Ang taong tumayong parang ama sa anak ko ay ininsulto niya. The man who substituted his position!
I wiped my face as the tear escaped on it. Tinawagan ko si Mavy na pumasok na rito dahil masyadong gabi na.
We still need to wake up early tomorrow for the surprise. Alam ko rin namang hinayaan niya akong makasama si Joaquin ng matagal rito. But things never went to the flow.
Siguro masyado lang akong na-excite dahil nandito siya dahil syempre, I was planning to make him as a surprise for my son too. Kaso hindi umayon ang oras. We ended up reminiscing the past.
Naibaba ko na ang phone nang nakatayo pa rin ito. He has the apologetic face but I remained my posture.
"I didn't mean saying that. I'm sorry. I was just carried away by my emotions."
"Never apologize again. I don't need that. Pasensya na sa istorbo. You can now leave."
I ordered him but he never moved. Ang unfair. Samantalang ako noong pinagtabuyan niya, umalis agad pati sa buhay niya. And now that I am saying those words back again to him, he never followed. He stayed still like I was telling a joke.
Umupo ako sa kama saka huminga ng malalim. I brushed my hair because of the frustrations.
After all these years, we saw each other again but he ended up hurting myself. Iniwan akong nasasaktan tapos bumalik para saktan na naman. Ganoon ba ang silbi niya sa buhay ko?Ang parati akong saktan?
"What about the important thing you wanna say?"
"Forget it. Not worth your time. Please, leave. I can't face you without getting frustrated now."
With that, he moved and then walked slowly. Pipihitin na niya sana ang pintuan nang bumukas iyon at pumasok si Mavy na buhat ang anak ko habang ang ulo ay nagpapahinga sa balikat niya.
Binigyan niya ng tingin si Joaquin na ngayon ay gulat sa nakikita.
I immediately carried Theo and then let him sleep on the bed. Siya na ang tumabi rito habang ako ay lumapit na sa pintuan at binuksan iyon, pinapalabas si Joaquin.
"Thanks for the time. You can now leave. My son's resting. We need some sleep."
Hindi niya maialis ang tingin kay Theo na ngayon ay mahimbing nang natutulog. I blocked his view and then his eyes diverted on me.
Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong kuryosidad niya, sa amin at sa anak ko. I bet he has a lot of questions running on his mind now. Wala na akong oras para sagutin pa iyon ngayon.
"Can we still... go back to the start?"
I was about to close the door but he interrupted. He's having some hopes.
"I'm not ready to be your mistake again. I'm sorry."
And I shut the door, leaving him speechless.