TRIGGER WARNING
(S/A Trigger)
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Harry's touch, shower, see a face that isn't Harry's, self-punishment, finally be happy and spend my time with Harry, Harry's show, and then back to the hotel with Harry to just do it all over again. That's how the next day went and I knew that was how the rest of my days would be. And I as long as Harry was by my side through it all, I was fine with that. If I only knew what was about to happen I wouldn't have agreed to go to Canada with Harry. I would have never even came up with the stupid idea to follow Harry on tour for Gabby in the first place. I wasn't happy before but it wasn't like the pain I was about to feel.
***
"You ready for Boston?" Harry asked, as we drove towards were the bus was parked.
"I'm more excited to see the bus," I said. We were moving back to staying on a tour bus and Harry told me this one was different than the first one.
"You are so weird. You find enjoyment in the smallest of things, it's kind of a blessing."
"An attractive and funny kind of weird right?" Harry nodded throwing me a wink. "And it's more of a curse than a blessing, really."
"What do you mean? People go their whole lives trying to find the clarity and joy you have."
"I mean you have a point, but clarity is far from what I have," I said not wanting to tell him that I only had joy when I was with him.
***
"Harry Freaking Styles," I said as we step into the back of the bus. This one was different for sure. Instead of a game room and bunks the whole back was like a master suite in a hotel. It was bigger than my bedroom.
"That is my name, don't wear it out," Harry said with a laugh.
"How can a bus be so beautiful. How is that possible?" The last bus was amazing but this one was even better.
"It's just a bus, DJ, I don't think that is possible," Harry said taking a seat on the bed.
"You just don't see things the way I do," I said shaking my head.
"That's exactly what I mean, but you should probably sit down before they start moving," Harry said as I placed Seagull down on the pillow and I took a seat on the bed before flinging my body back on to it as the bus began it's decent.
"Okay if I ever said something was like laying on a cloud, I lied. This is like laying on a cloud."
"It is pretty nice, but the question now is what do we do for the next four hours?" Harry said raising his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes before closing them.
"Sleep. We could take a fine ass nap."
"Oh yeah that sounds good too," Harry said laying down next to me. He was such a good sport with me.
"I am just kidding you ninny," I said throwing my body on top of his. I squirmed trying to kiss him but every time I got close he would turn his head away or push on my face to get it away.
"Did you just call me a ninny?" He asked through the struggle.
"I did, now shut up and kiss me." Harry finally gave up the fight, kissing me with the most hunger I had felt yet.
***
"You know if you keep forcing me to eat food you soon won't be able to carry me anymore, like you seem to like to do," I said to Harry as he waved a food truck burrito in front of my face after I told him I didn't want anything.
"Oh shut up, I will too now eat your food," Harry said sticking the unwanted burrito into my hand. I reluctantly unwrapped the burrito a small bite from it, smiling at Harry.
"Happy now?" I asked the food still in my mouth.
"Ecstatic, now chew and swallow." Harry said taking a bite of his burrito and nodding at me to follow his lead.
"You're so mean to me," I said after swallowing my bite.
"No I care. Don't hate the player," Harry said motioning towards my food. I rolled my eyes at him.
"Whatever. It's your back that is going to hurt, not mine."
"Hey! No. You know what TPWK is right?" Harry asked a serious look on his face.
"Treat People with Kindness?"
"Yeah and you are people, so treat yourself with kindness please. Your beautiful, no matter what, so eat your food."
***
The cycle was bound to continue. Harry had his show in Boston today and I waited until last minute to get ready just because I didn't want to shower. I let Harry do whatever he needed to do alone, wanting some time just by myself. As much as I loved Harry and knew I would do anything or go through any pain for him, the daily pain I gave myself was getting to be almost to much for me to handle and the images I continued to see weren't fading any. I was laying on my stomach on the couch in the bus reading one of Harry's many books, when the door opened. Harry was in front of me in his all black outfit for the night.
"Hey you coming in tonight or do you just want to stay here?" Harry asked from the door way.
"No I'm coming in. I'll be in after I take a shower," I said my face still in the book. I didn't not want to go in but I also just wanted to go to bed. To bed in a bed of my own. Or somewhere Harry was not. I was scared to be away from him but I was also scared to have him touch me. He was the only man I have ever loved and the only person I had ever even let near my body or heart but my brain and past wouldn't let me have him. I didn't deserve to have him.
"Are you feeling alright?" Harry asked moving from the doorway closer to me. I stood up quickly moving backwards towards the bathroom.
"Yes, I am fine. Just need sometime. I'll be in soon," I said turning my back to him and moving to the back, closing the door behind me leaving Harry alone in the front. I placed my back against the door a sharp pain shooting down. I took a deep breath moving in the bathroom taking my clothes off taking my time to take off my shirt. There wasn't any visible marks on my body, yet, but I was starting to feel the lasting pain coming from my daily showers. I turned the shower on and stepping in. The minute I stepped in everything else melted away and all that was left was his dirty blonde hair and green eyes staring back at me. I began to remember the feeling of his hands on my body as I screamed no and for help, but no one came. No one came to help until after what he wanted was already done.
The tears began to fall from my eyes. I turned the heat up and stepped under it, the tears not stopping as I felt the water finally making sores on my back. I shut the water off as the tears continued to fall. I climbed out of the shower and turned my back towards the mirror so I could see the damage, but I couldn't see through my tears in my eyes. I moved out of the bathroom picking up my phone and calling the only person I could think of to call in that moment.
It only rang twice before she answered but my crying never stopped.
"DJ, honey, are you okay?"
"Emily," was all I could get out.
"It's okay, babe, just breath," she said taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out. I followed along as she continued to do it, until my hysterics slowed down. "Okay now, tell me his name?"
"How did you-" I began but of course I already knew. She knew more about me than I probably knew about myself, just from one time of meeting me. "Ryan. His name was Ryan," I breathed out.
Emily listened. She listened and told me the next steps of what I needed to do to get ready, and I listened and talked. I told her everything. From beginning to end. And she continued to listen, the only things leaving her mouth were "continue", "Now put on a cardigan over the tank top", "Oh honey", and "now wash your face." It was comforting just knowing she was there. I didn't need her to tell me how to handle the situation or where to go from here and she didn't offer it, she just acknowledged my pain, and that was enough. After I had finished getting ready and telling my tale I took a deep breath.
"Okay I'm all ready I think," I said into the phone speaker.
"Okay good, now honey, please just remember what I told you the first time we met," she said in her sweat melodic voice.
"Sometimes the smallest light shines so bright."
"Exactly. Now please call me anytime you need me, day or night, I am always here for you."
"Thank you Emily," I said. I owed her so much right now and forever.
"No, darling, thank you."
***
"There she is. We only have a few minutes before we go on. I was hoping you would make it in before," Harry said as I walked into the room. The whole band was in there seated wherever they could find a spot. The heat was almost over powering as I walked in. I took off my cardigan laying it on the arm of the couch closest to me.
"Well I made it," I said with a smile as Jeff popped his head in the door.
"It's time guys," he said as he peeked his head in and then back out. Everyone got up and began to exit the room as they each gave me a high five for luck. It had been an unspoken thing that got started before every show. Harry stayed in the back of the room until everyone left and then he walked up to me. He began to wrap his arms around me before I ducked underneath them.
"Everything okay? You have been off today," he said looking at me, a strange look on his face.
"Yes everything is fine, I just feel really hot. Maybe I just need some water," I said turning and heading for the mini fridge.
"DJ, what is that?" Harry asked as he followed behind me.
"What is what?" I asked pulling out a water and standing to face him.
"On your back. Turn around." I had forgotten about my back and that the cardigan was there to hide whatever it looked like.
"Oh that. That is nothing, it is fine." I began to walk backwards away from Harry in hopes that he would drop it but I knew he wouldn't.
"It didn't look fine. Let me see it," he said reaching for me but I pushed his hand away.
"No Harry just leave it alone. Just drop it!" I yelled at him automatically regretting it but it was to late.
"I wont drop it Dakota. Just tell me what is going on. You need to tell me. I can't help you work past whatever it is if you don't tell me. So please just tell me." I had never seen Harry mad and I wasn't sure if this was him mad or concerned but either way his voice was raised slightly. I could see the pain I was causing him and that was the last thing I wanted to do. The door opened and a crew member stood in the door. The noise of the screaming crowd came pouring in.
"Mr. Styles you need to go now," the man said.
"Yes, just one second," Harry said pleading with the man in the door who gave him a nod. He turned back towards me. His eyes scared. "DJ I'm sorry. Just please tell me how I can help you? I will do anything, just tell me what happened?" Harry said pleading with me but I didn't know how to give him what he wanted. I was terrified of the truth. I was scared of who I was and what it lead to. So in that moment I said the only thing I could think of that would save everyone from me.
"I think it will just be better if I'm not here when you get back."