Companion piece to my seperate one-shot book; To Billie's New Male Roommate. So if you want read that one first:)
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To Brandon's New Female Roommate.
What's up.
I'm sure by now you've seen Brandon Adams, and I'm positive I know what you must be thinking. Holy shit, is this even a real guy? He's a model, he makes music and he's single? This must be the roommate of your dreams, right? What a perfect opportunity.
Wrong.
Here's my advice to you: if you value your ears and don't want to be nagged for the rest of your life, find a new roommate. Pronto.
I know I sound like I'm exaggerating, and you'll probably disregard it, because, fuck, this guy is hot. But I'm telling you to take this advice, because it'll save you months of nitpicking and badgering.
So to show you exactly what you won't be missing, I made you a list of the lifestyle, excuse me...torture, I've had to endure these past seven months living with him. The things I've had to deal with. The annoyances I've had to live with. Maybe if you read them all, you can make the right decision and find a new candidate before you get tied to him by a contract.
So here we go...
Brandon Adams As A Roommate:
1. Sets up annoying cleaning and chore schedules with stickers as rewards as if you're some kid.
2. Picks you up and tosses you on his shoulder if you forget to do designated chores. (Won't put you down till you promise you will do them.)
3. Uses your fancy body wash and justifies that it's better for himself.
4. Leaves little shaven chin hair bits all over the sink (which are incredibly hard and annoying to clean off)
5. Refuses to at least try to go vegan with you and cooks up meat right in front of you.
6. Eats so much food, and doesn't put an ounce of weight on.
7. Intimidates any guy you bring home to the point they can't finish (Side not: Do not ask him to be a fake date.)
8. Sleep walks and randomly ends up in your bed.
9. Doesn't understand your need to buy heaps of clothes and then takes them from you to wear himself.
10. Trashes all dates you have and won't shut up saying that you can do much better.
11. Back, foot, and shoulder massages: insanely amazing and will turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
12. Warm hugs and cuddles: insanely amazing and will turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
13. Running his fingers through your hair: insanely amazing and will turn you into goo. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
14. (If you don't avoid, once you've experienced any of the above three points, anyone else's will be inadequate, This is a problem.)
15. Sleeps in his boxers. Just boxers. (You've seen him, you know why it's problematic.)
16. Has more products and things in the bathroom cabinet that you do. (Don't expect much room for you stuff.)
17. Stingy about his car, his booze, his clothes. Everything!
18. Expects you to be nice to his bitchy dates who will automatically hate you for living with him.
19. Has the nerve to get irritated when you scare off those bimbo gold diggers. (Best method? Wear one of his shirts and a thong. Guaranteed success.)
20. Drinks when absolutely pissed off at his father. And then becomes a mopey, upset mess and won't do anything for the rest of the day. (Get ready to take care of him)
21. Leaves after shower in small towels around his waist. (Keep napkins on hand for your drool.)
22. Won't stop pinching your side and legs just to see you squirm because you're ticklish.
23. Implements some stupid rule when you can only get wasted three days a week. (You never used to drink, but you know, living with him takes a massive toll of you.)
24. Stops buying alcohol if you get drunk more than three days in one week.
25. Hides the alcohol if you protest. (Check the second to last drawer of the right side of his dresser. That's usually where he hides it.)
26. Likes deep, analytical thrillers when all you want to do is get wasted and watch idiotic comedies. (As a result, movie nights are usually spend arguing over a movie.)
27. Always, always, always out to prove you wrong or compete against you. (Granted, you will do the same, but semantics.)
28. Acts like a scared little boy when you're on your period. (Granted, you will probably be throwing fruit and remotes at him, but still.)
29. Can do your hair better than even you can.
30. Personal space doesn't exist with him. (Not totally unwelcome, but something to keep in mind if you bring a guy home. They will ask if you're sleeping together.)
31. Bitches for hours about you leaving your music notes everywhere. And then bitches for hours about the music notes he trips on. And then bitches for hours about his injured ass.
32. Ruins' your girls' nights by being utterly suave and charming and then all your friends will want to talk about the rest of the evening is how hot he is.
33. Goes topless when the AC breaks. (Too attractive for his own good so don't be surprised if you find yourself ogling him. It's perfectly normal.)
34. Plays basketball in your living room with the mini hoop he insisted on putting up on the weekend in the minimal clothing at ungodly hours of the early morning. (I'm talking 5-7 AM).
35. Invites his mom over twice a month. Said mother will continue to think you are his girlfriend so don't bother trying to correct her. It will do no good.
36. Gets oddly jealous and defensive when you mention running into exes.
37. Video game nights when his guy friends. Don't expect to get any work done.
38. Accidentally walks in on you in the shower at least twice a week because he doesn't pay attention. Learn to lock doors.
39. Some of his friends will hit on you. Don't try to fight it. It will happen regardless of the measures you take to avoid it.
40. Don't try to date anyone while living with him. They will get jealous. It is inevitable.
41. Leaves you stranded on the toilet with no toilet paper as punishment for forgetting to buy some.
42. Forces you to sleep, drink tea, and take medication when you're sick. Handcuffs you to the bed if you protest. (say goodbye to powering on.)
43. Get jealous, annoyed, and/or irritated when you hit on his friends. (So by all means, do it all the time.)
44. Turns into a huge, clingy puppy dog when he's sick and won't let go of you.
45. Nice and warm. Very, very warm. Beware if he ends up in your bed for whatever reason.
46. Gets really, really horny when wasted off his ass. Really horny. So steer clear because he'll get pretty touchy feely.
47. His morning wood. It will accidentally poke you at some point whether when making breakfast or passing you in the bathroom. Pretend it didn't happen or shit it will get awkward.
48. Don't provoke him by wearing a t-shirt and a thong. You'll get just as turned on when he's taking a cold shower, and then you'll both be frustrated all day.
49. Leaves passive aggressive post-it notes all over the apartment if you forget to do things around the place.
50. And whatever you do: Do not, for fuck's sake DO NOT bring up him insisting on being called Kane when he was younger. He will get mad.
Brandon Adams is an annoying son of a bitch. But...at least he cares, and he's going to be your best friend whether you want him to or not. So go easy on him. He's a great guy.
Best,
Billie O'Connell.
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Long time, no see. I will be trying to update this book a couple times a week from now on.
Cheeky Self Promo:
And I also have a new book called Untamed. So go check it out if you like!
Book Description:
Billie lives in a very small conservative early 20th century western town at the ripe age of 19, where all women do her age is get married, pop out a few children and watch as their husbands come home late from screwing absolutely anybody but there own wives. Billie never liked that idea, so when one night she meets a revenge crazy young cowboy seeking a mission, she decides to jump on board with his almost insane plan, hoping to find a way to seek her own vengeance.