I used to love sleeping.
Obsessively and compulsively, I craved any spare moment I had to close my eyes and escape the world for a while, spending more and more time asleep to avoid the feeling of being alive.
Sleeping was an easy alternative to suicide: I could transiently end my life when I wanted, then choose to rejoin the rest of the world when I felt capable of living again. Whenever life felt like it was too much to deal with, or the thought of smiling was enough to make me feel nauseous, I could disappear to my bed and just sleep. There was too much time to pretend like nothing was wrong, so sleeping became a habit I adopted into my usual routine seamlessly.
And then the nightmares begun.
Everything that I detested about living began appearing in my dreams, starting off with subtle hints until eventually becoming full-blown replicas of my real life. I was no stranger to the odd nightmare... but these were different. Vividly realistic, I had woken up one too many times hyperventilating at a scenario before I realised it hadn't been real.
Life just couldn't stand to see me coping for one moment; it was as if the universe was programmed to help me up and then immediately crash me back down again, leaving me scrambling through the dark while I stumbled my way helplessly through. My greatest coping method had slipped through my hands, resulting in a downwards spiral so doomed even I hadn't been able to stop it myself.
Sleepless nights, waking up screaming in the dark or being mid-panic attack as I woke up gasping for air became every night realities that nearly pushed me to closer to the edge than I ever had been before. Without a way to silence my incessant thoughts and temporarily leave the life I was living, I began to free-fall into the darkness I'd become today, completely immersed as I struggled to find a way out. What once was a gift became a curse, and eventually I came to terms with my inability to have a peaceful night's sleep.
I suppose that's why, as I glanced down at Romeo's sleeping figure beside me, I felt the slightest bit of jealousy.
He had such easy access to the one thing I needed, and although he had good intentions, I'd found myself tense up when he'd suggested that I should sleep too. He didn't know that I was destined to wake up fighting for air with tears streaming down my face, or that I was too much of a coward to try and sleep because of the underlying fear that it wouldn't end well.
But maybe it'll be different tonight, the insane part of me reasoned. Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep normally. Whether it was Romeo's positivity rubbing off on me, or a part of me I might have always had, I didn't know, but I was still reluctant enough to not completely trust the new voice in my subconscious.
Romeo sat slouched beside me, the steady rise and fall of his chest the only giveaway that he was even still alive. His face was etched into a frown, as though there was something still troubling him that he wouldn't disclose. More prominent under normal light, the veins through his neck and his face seemed to glow through his skin, like pale blue rivers trying to escape their channels. His lips were still tinted blue, and he looked as though he hadn't seen the sun in years.
Taking my phone out from my pocket, I opened up my front camera, wondering if I too looked half as ghostly as Romeo did. My eyes weren't as sunken as his, but the bags under mine were more prevalent, and I looked empty as I stared back at myself, searching for the girl who was no longer there. I didn't even recognise myself anymore. My eyes had lost their spark, and the poor attempt I made at a smile barely crossed my cheeks. It was as though my loss of sleep had resulted in a loss of my character, and everything positive that I used to be.
Maybe I should just listen to Romeo and sleep... As though on cue, I let out a yawn, lifting my head up from Romeo's while I tried to fight my body's attempts at making me surrender. I knew the cons outweighed the pros, and yet I couldn't silence the part of me which was adamant on me receiving a peaceful sleep for once. Maybe tonight it will be different...
If not for Romeo's head on my shoulder I would have gotten up and paced around to shake off the sleep creeping up me, but I had no choice other than to stay seated and allow myself to gradually succumb to the tiredness I felt. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a good night's sleep, yet here I was, hedging my bets while seated on a platform in the London Underground, next to a sleeping stranger who somehow knew me more than anyone else.
Despite my internal protests, I leaned my head back against Romeo's as a soft sigh escaped me, letting my eyes flutter to a close while I hoped I wouldn't regret the decision I chose to make.
"Cassie?"
Groggily I opened my eyes, lifting my head off Romeo's shoulder as I tried to scan my surroundings, struggling to see anything in the almost pitch black. The only source of light came from a bright spotlight that was directly shining on me.
"Romeo?" I asked in a shaky voice as I felt the empty space beside me, wondering where he had gone since mere seconds before he had been by my side. "What's going on...?"
"We're going to do what you wanted to do in the first place..." a voice whispered to my right, but a thick mist had settled over what I assumed was the platform, leaving my vision blurry as I struggled to see who was there.
"You're finally going to get what you wanted..." a second murmured, sounding from my left, but once again I could only see the dense fog surrounding me, relentless in its pursuit to block my line of sight.
"Who are you?!" My voice broke at the end, my lungs suddenly feeling tight as I glanced frantically around me. Within the dark my vision was limited, and the intensity of the beam of light streaming down on me made it difficult to see anything but the mist in my surroundings. "Where's Romeo gone?"
"I'm right here-" He spoke, but before I could get a glimpse of him, all the light disappeared, leaving me in complete darkness as I heard numerous voices around me, whispering phrases in an unending loop:
"You'll never get better Cassie; you'll never escape it..."
"Why can't you just be good enough?"
"You don't have a purpose, you don't have a meaning, so why are you still here?"
The beam of light shone again, illuminating train tracks in front of me as the sound of an oncoming train filled my ears. I was back on the first platform of tonight, when Romeo had initially pulled me back and stopped me, except this time he was nowhere to be found.
"Just a couple more steps forward Cassie, and all this can end..."
A harsh shove from behind nudged me forward, causing me to tread dangerously close to the edge. In a futile attempt I tried to resist, but the force on my back was unrelenting in its aim to bring me to my demise, as if all the energy in the world was being used to push me closer to my death.
"Isn't this what you wanted?!" The voice spoke, sending shocks through my bones as I shook my head frantically, too frightened to use my voice in fear of it failing me. "Isn't this what you deserve?!"
No, no, no... I fell to my knees, holding onto my head as the voices just got louder and louder, taunting me as I rocked back and forth. "Stop!" Like a haunting chant, it rang continuously throughout my mind, impossible to block out no matter how much I tried to. "Leave me alone!"
And then it stopped. Perplexed, I glanced around with a hesitant gaze, fretful of what might come next. The blinding light strengthened its intensity, forcing me to cover my eyes until they adjusted to the new brightness. I was no longer on the train platform, but now stood within my school, watching the crowds of grey blazers brush past each other. Theo stood off at the side by the rows of lockers, mid-laugh with another one of our mutual friends as the two conversed together like we usually did.
"See how happy he is without you..." the voices carried on whispering, "You're his biggest inconvenience..."
Theo linked his arm through hers as they continued talking animatedly, strolling down the corridor with grins across both of their faces. Theo seemed lighter without me there weighing him down, a subtle spring in his steps and a more relaxed aura around him as he laughed again loudly. His honey eyes sparkled with a happiness that wasn't there around me, and he looked nowhere near as tired as he usually was.
It was like seeing how Theo could have been if I had just never been there in the first place.
"And it's how he could be now..." the voice continued my thoughts, lowering in volume to a mere whisper as everything around me begun to fade except Theo's echoing laughter. "If only you would just leave-"
The voice halted abruptly, only the sound of Theo's booming laughter still ringing through my ears, increasing in both pitch and volume as it sounded more manic with each passing second. Morphing into a sinister tone, the laughter no longer belonged to that of my best friend, becoming ominous and eerie while it resounded through the darkness.
And then out of the darkness, came light.
A tiny flame was set alight, belonging to a small tea candle placed on the ground of wherever I currently was. Beside the flame was a hand with blue tinted fingertips, attached to a familiar figure who was steadily moving towards me. Involuntarily I felt the corners of my lips tug upwards, and the area felt a little brighter when I caught sight of Romeo's welcoming onyx orbs.
"Thank God you're here," I sighed, relief flooding me at the sight of him. "Do you know what this is Romeo? How did we even get here...? Where are we?"
He sent me a sanguine smile, waving me over to him as he crouched down by the candle, watching as the flame flickered every so often. "We're in your mind Cassie. All this darkness around us," he motioned to the seemingly endless empty space, "Is all up there: within you."
I blinked back at him a few times, taking a second to process the absurdity of his words. "We're in my mind?"
He shrugged, glancing up at me as I neared him. "You're the one who's controlling this. I'm just trying to make it a little brighter by lighting a candle, that's all. But something keeps blowing it out..." he trailed off, his eyes critically scanning mine as his words took on a dire tone.
At the command of his voice, the flame extinguished itself, its glowing embers a dark crimson before the fire died out, taking the only source of light I had and my vision of Romeo away with it.
Abruptly, the blinding light flashed again, and the next thing I knew I was falling. All around me was darkness as my arms flailed helplessly in the air, trying to grab onto something, just anything, to cushion my fall. I landed with a heavy thud, my limbs aching before I sat up slowly and scanned the area around me.
I was at my house: the place I had once called my home.
Sat in the living room, I tried to remember how the prior moments had led me to this moment when an all too familiar sound drifted over to my ears. Wincing as second nature, I tried to move or get away or simply just leave, but I found that I was rooted to my spot, forced to endure the irrevocable tragedy set to unfold.
He was shouting - loud. Too loud.
Shivering with trepidation, I could feel my body react without even seeing Him near me, already feeling the vibrations of His ear-splitting volume reach me through the walls. Past the curtains and through the window I watched as the beginning of a storm began to play out, rain mercilessly slamming against the glass, the force of its hits no comparison to the verbal punches being thrown in my direction.
"Why can't you EVER do ANYTHING right Cassie?!" I flinched as the wall behind me shook, echoing through the room as even the foundations of the house seemed to tremble at His presence. "How did I even end up with you as my daughter?!"
Trying to block out His words, I focused on the scenery outside: the tumultuous wind wreaking havoc and the torrential downpour flooding down from the sky, but it still wasn't enough to distract from the sound of His nearing footsteps and heavy breathing as He paused in between His yells.
That was what I hated the most: more than the shouting, or the yelling, or the thudding footsteps, or the slamming of objects as they were tossed across the room. It was the heavy breathing I hated, the laboured breaths that haunted my subconscious, a clear warning of the horrifying events set to occur.
A part of me wished I could actually see Him, rather than Him being out of my view but knowing He was close enough to harm me. The malice in His voice was evident, and times like this I wished I had my mum with me to hide behind as I used to do. But she was barely here anymore – it was just me and Him.
My consternation was palpable, the anxieties I had visibly swirling through the air around me as I kept my head ducked and eyes low, no longer watching the raging storm outside. Increasing in volume, His footsteps amplified through the room until it was unbearable to listen to, combining with the noise of His heavy breathing to leave me murmuring incoherently for it to all please stop.
And then before He could reach me, it did stop, as abruptly as the times before.
He had been about to materialise from around the corner, our interaction on the brink of occurring, and then it all stopped. The inside of my house disappeared from around me, and I was back on the train platform, my hand clutching my chest as I tried to steady my erratic breathing. Stood on the platform edge as I stared down at a deathly drop, I was still attempting to regain my composure when I heard the comforting deep voice of Romeo:
"Were you going to jump?!"
A hand grabbed onto my wrist, yanking me back just as a train whizzed past us at an unnaturally fast speed. Finding myself in the arms of Romeo, I glanced up into his eyes, expecting to see warmth and care but instead was hit with a cold and callous expression, his ethereally dark eyes blinking back at me, completely devoid of all emotion.
And then the whispers started again. Louder and louder and louder until I was being suffocated by the noise, not realising I was screaming until I felt a hand clamp around my throat, dragging me back towards the platform edge.
Joining in the torture, the sound of His footsteps reverberated down the platform, His laboured breaths and shrieking yells adding to the cacophony of noise accumulating together to traumatise me. I knew He wasn't here but I could almost sense Him breathing down my neck, the ghost of His words still watching over the corners of my brain, reinstating His control over my mind.
I was writhing in the hands of whoever was holding me, kicking and screaming for them to let go, but they spared me no mercy, moving me past the illuminous yellow 'Mind the gap' sign that I had previously ignored. I glanced up at my attacker, seeing a pair of haunting jet-black eyes glaring back down at me while he held me by the edge.
"Romeo..." I wheezed out his name between breaths as he tightened his hold on my neck, "Romeo, please- you don't- you don't have to do this!" I continued to try and break out of his grip, my alarm raising as I saw an oncoming train rapidly approaching. "I thought you- I thought you wanted to help me!"
Romeo smirked, a malicious glint in his eyes as he bent down close to my face, whispering in my ear, "How could you expect a stranger to care for you, when even your own parents don't?"
Recoiling at his tone, I had no time to anticipate his next move when my worst nightmare came to fruition and he swiftly pushed me off the platform edge. Although, I never got to feel the impact of the train, or the electric shock from the train lines, since all I was hearing was the terrifying sound of my own blood-curdling screech in my ears. I realised too late what was happening, gaining consciousness of the petrifying fact that I was being forced to face my worst fear:
I was falling into the unknown – and I couldn't even save myself.