THEA
I felt a gentle rub, running circle on my back, making me feel calm. I was already awake but my eyes felt so heavy so I let them close. I was tired after crying, and I felt a headache started to kick in. I let out a sigh as I remembered my twin. I hadn't had a chance to meet her, to let her know that she was not alone, to let her know how happy I was to know that I actually had a sister.
Not being able to go back to sleep, I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Arthur's concern face staring at me.
"Hey," he brushed my cheek with thumb. "How are you feeling?"
"My head hurts." I pinched the bridge of my nose. "What time is it?"
"It's 3 am."
"You haven't slept?" I asked, looking at him. He shook his head in response. "Why are you still awake?"
"I couldn't sleep, knowing my wife is upset."
Snuggling into him, I let out a sigh. I needed to tell him about my twin sister. I had found the whole the truth, now I could tell him everything.
"Do you remember the photo I showed you who look like me?"
He seemed to remember it. "Yeah, what about it?"
"She was my twin sister."
At the first he didn't react at all, he just stared at me like I had grown two heads. Seeing that I was serious, he looked even more confused. "Twin sister? I thought you are an only child?"
"I thought so too but I found that photo along with some information about her. I even came to your mother to prove it, she told me the truth."
Now he looked even more confused. "What happened?"
I told him everything I knew about my twin sister, everything was still unreal to me. I still couldn't believe with what had happened to my family, why it was so messed up. Arthur listened to me silently, his expression was calm but surprised at the same time.
Truthfully, there was a time when I imagined having a twin sister, or at least a sister or a brother. I grew up mostly being alone without having many friends so sometimes I felt lonely in the house. Though that I felt the love and affections from my parents but still, I didn't really have someone to talk to or play with in the house.
By the time I told him that my twin sister had passed away, his calm expression turned into disbelief. I guess he didn't expect to find out that his sister in law had died. It brought me to tears to remember about my sister. I didn't get the chance to meet her. I lost my parents, and I lost my sister too.
Couldn't life even get more unfair to me?
"I'm so sorry, Thea. I really do." Arthur said after a while, holding me closer to him.
I just nodded in response as I kept letting all my tears fall. I was not sobbing, though I couldn't stop my tears either.
"You are so strong, you know. I never doubt that."
I sniffled. "Why is that?"
"You've been through a lot all these years," he brushed my hair softly with his fingers. "You know, when I came to the funeral, I may or may not watch you the whole time. You didn't cry at all, you had this.. little smile plastered on your face for the sake of everyone. You never let anyone knew how fragile you were at that time, your had your guards up around you. At that moment I knew, I knew you are a tough girl. And you still proved me to this day."
I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't expect he would think about me that way, didn't think he watched me at the funeral, I didn't know he could see right through me. Because he was so right, I didn't let my guard down at the funeral. I didn't let anyone knew how shattered I was that day. I didn't want any pity from them.
"I can't even imagine if I were in your shoes, I would probably have gone insane. But you are here. You may cry your tears sometimes, and it's perfectly okay because you are still grieving, and you're still healing from the loss. You are way stronger than me, Thea, you should be proud of yourself."
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. Somehow his words brought some strength in me.
"And I don't want to see those tears coming out of your eyes again. It's.. making me feel stuff" he added.
I looked at him. "What kind of stuff they are making you feel?"
"Well, stuff as in.. sadness. I feel sad when you are sad, and I hate that. I don't want to see you sad anymore."
"Well, what can I do? I have feelings, you know. I will cry when I'm sad, when I think about how I lost my parents and my twin sister. I can't help it."
He looked at me and caressed my cheek with his thumb. "It's alright. You can cry. But I want you to be kind to yourself too. Don't let the grieve shadow your whole life. Your parents and sister wouldn't want you to live in the past. Let them go. Continue living your life for you and for them. They may be gone but they live in you. So make them proud for staying strong."
I didn't think someone could talk through me like this. His words had awaken something in me. I lived my life by the grieve overshadow it. I let the grieve ruled my life. But now I realized that I could push the grieve away. It would still be there, for the rest of my life, but I could still live my life.
"You're right." I said after a while. "I'm too focused on losing them that I forgot how to live. But I'm willing to change, I will try."
He cracked a smile. "That's my girl."
Blood rushed into my cheeks when he said that, but I smiled at him. "Thank you, for talking through me. I really need that."
He kissed my forehead. "Anything for my Thea."
I smiled so wide.
*
Arthur fell asleep shortly after our talk as he didn't take any sleep last night. He snored so loud, something he did when he was tired. I decided to get up but not before I kissed his forehead.
My foot kicked something, it was the box where I found Olivia's photo. I crouched down and took the photo, staring at my twin sister.
I wished I could have found her sooner. I wished my parents would let me know that I had a twin sister. I wished they were all still here with me.
"I'm so sorry, Olivia." I muttered, looking at her photo. "I hope you meet mama and dad in heaven."
I was not so religious, but I prayed to God that my sister was happy up there, along with my parents. I prayed that one day they would meet again after being separated for years. They deserved that.
Feeling a bit upset, I decided to go for a swim in our pool. I didn't feel like putting my swimwear so I went with my nightdress. Testing the water temperature with my toe, I shivered a bit. It was way too cold, but the colder the better. Standing by the edge, I took a deep breath then jumped into the pool.
"Shit, it's fucking freezing!" I groaned to myself.
I dove into the water and swam to the end, then I swam back to the other end where I first jumped in. It was freezing but refreshing at the same time. It reminded me of the time I drowned due to the cold water. It was the time when I first learnt how to swim.
A few years back, my father taught me how to swim. It was a cold morning, and the water felt cold too. My father told me that the best time to learn how to swim was in an early morning, when the water was still cold from last night. He said it gave you focus. My feet went numb from the cold, and I was drowned in the middle of the pool. I still remembered the feeling of that day, when I sank into the bottom of the pool. The next few days, I tried to hold my breath as long as I could under the water. It was then I found peace and calm.
"Okay, let's try that again," I said to myself, then swam to the middle of the pool where it was deep enough.
I took a deep breath and slowly letting myself drowned into the pool until my feet reached the bottom. I stayed still, not moving. I closed my eyes and brought my legs to my chest, hugging them. I started to feel it, I felt the peace. I smiled, feeling the calm and peace, when suddenly I was yanked harshly to the surface, making me surprised and swallowed water in result.
"Come on breathe, Thea, breathe." I heard Arthur panicked whilst pressing down his hands on my chest.
I spit the water out of my throat and pushed his hands away from my chest. "Stop it."
"Oh thank God, you are awake. I was worried sick."
Wiping my face with my hands, I opened my eyes to see his worried face. "Arthur, I'm perfectly fine. Why did you pull me up of all sudden?"
He looked confused. "What? You're drowning. I saw you swam into the water for like.. a minute or two, and you were not appearing to the surface."
I coughed. "Arthur, I was just holding my breath."
"You what?"
"I was not drowning. I was just holding my breath into the water."
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"I-I just want to find some peace."
He gave me a look. "You find peace by drowning yourself into the water?"
I gave him the look too. "Okay first of all, I was not drowning yourself. Second, I did it on purpose so that's different."
"Why did you want to find peace?"
I looked everywhere but him. "I was upset."
He let out a sigh then kissed my forehead. "Next time you are upset, come to your husband, okay?"
"I didn't want to burden you with me being upset." I said truthfully. "And it's not a big deal to me, I'll get over it sooner or later."
He held both my shoulders. "You never burden me, Thea. I am your husband, it is my job to make you feel better when you are upset. Just.. try to open up to me when something bothers you, okay?"
I didn't want him to think that I didn't want to open up to him. I was used to bottle up my feelings. I grew up mostly being alone so talking about my feelings was not that easy, and I was still not used to it.
I nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry for not telling you."
"It's okay, don't worry about it." he pecked my cheek. "Now, will you please get cleaned up? I don't want you to get sick from being soaked."
I cracked a smile at his caring. "Okay, I'll get changed."
*
ARTHUR
I woke up to find an empty side beside me. It had been the 3rd day that I found her missing beside me when I woke up, and I knew exactly where she went. Sitting up on the bed, I rubbed my eyes with my hands and proceed to go to our pool to meet my wife.
Thea had been distracted the past 3 days ever since she told me her twin sister had passed away. She was upset, though she always tried to cover it but I still could see it in her eyes. And she had been getting up early in the morning and went for a swim, something new that I recently learnt about her whenever she was upset.
I tried everything to cheer her up but it seemed to only cheer her up shortly. She was not crying, she just seemed to have always lost on her thoughts whenever she was alone. She would look everywhere with an empty stare.
I saw her sitting by the pool, and again looking at the water with an empty stare. I sighed as I watched her. I wish I could have done something to make her happy again.
"Hey." I said, sitting next to her.
She turned her head and cracked a smile. "Hey."
"So.. swimming in an early morning has become your morning routine, huh?"
"Yeah, it's refreshing."
I nodded. "Anyway, do you wanna come with me today?"
"Where to?"
"Just hang out, or doing whatever you like." I was hoping I could take her out to cheer her up, and distracted her mind from whatever was on her mind, because it seemed that being in the house stressed her a little bit.
She nodded her head. "That's fine by me."
I had arranged something.. hopefully it would make her happy. And I couldn't wait to tell her about it, I was going to tell her tonight when we have dinner.
Even I was happy and excited just by thinking about it.
*****